#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 47

Natigilan ako dahil sa sinabi ni Kuya. Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita dahil sa narinig ko. Hindi ko alam kung seryoso ba siya, at kung seryoso siya... bakit? Why would he even suggest that?

"C'mon, Imo. Kakayanin ba ng konsensya mo na iwanan siya?" he said.

"Kuya, hindi pwede," I reasoned.

"What? You can even invite Saint if you want. Just don't leave him alone."

I chewed on my lips again. Pakiramdam ko ay magkakasugat na ito dahil sa mga sinasabi sa akin ni Kuya. He knew that Parker's a sore spot. Hindi pa nga masyadong maayos iyong kay Saint. Although I assured him that Parker's no more than a friend to me, I knew that he still wasn't okay... It took him a lot of courage to admit that he was afraid of Parker. And I wouldn't betray Saint's trust. Hindi ko kaya. And I refuse.

"I'll call someone, okay? I'll look for someone to watch over him. Basta hindi ako, Kuya," I said.

"You really love Saint?"

"Yes, Kuya. And I don't want to hurt him. Lalaki ka rin naman. Ano ang iisipin mo kung ang girlfriend mo ay may kasamang ibang lalaki sa hotel room?"

Natahimik siya. I knew I sounded rude, but I just wanted to make my case. Ayoko na isipin niya na wala lang akong pakielam kay Parker kaya ko 'to ginagawa. I care about Parker, but I also care about Saint. I didn't want to do anything that might jeopardize our relationship. 

I promised that I wouldn't hurt him, and I was doing everything that I could to fulfill that promise. 

"I'll see you in a few minutes, Kuya," I said before ending the call.

Agad akong bumaba at saka hinanap si Manang. Pagkakita ko sa kanya, agad kong sinabi sa kanya na may kailangan ako pero sikreto lang namin dapat. Good thing Manang didn't ask questions because I had no time to answer. Agad ko siyang hinatak papunta sa sasakyan, and asked Manong to drive us to the hotel Kuya texted me. And while we were on the way, I was praying that Mama won't go to my room because she'd see that I wasn't there. Ayoko kasing magpaliwanag, at ayoko rin na magsinungaling. So it would be better if she wouldn't ask me.

When we arrived, we immediately went to the room number Kuya gave.

"Unbelievable," I muttered when I noticed that the door was ajar. Agad akong pumasok at nakita ko si Parker na nakahiga sa kama. Iniwan ba siya ni Kuya dito? And he left the door open! Paano kung may pumasok dito at kung ano ang ginawa kay Parker? Si Kuya naman!

Tinitigan ko si Parker. Hindi ako lumapit.

"Ma'am, e basang-basa po ng pawis si Sir Parker... Palitan kaya natin ng damit," Manang suggested. "At saka may sugat pa po sa labi. Gamutin po natin."

"Ah, oo nga po. Pero wala pong damit dito," I replied. Baka magkasakit si Parker kapag hinayaan namin na pawis lang siya.

"Kami na lang po ni Roger ang bibili," she said and I gladly gave her my wallet para mabili niya ang mga kailangan niya. Hindi ko rin kasi alam kung ano ang mga dapat kong bilhin.

And before I even knew it, I was alone in the room with Parker.

He was quietly sleeping. He just stirred a little and then went back to sleep. I just stared at him. I couldn't get too close. Naaawa ako sa kanya. It felt like he just lost everything. Si Cindy, si Auntie... his dad's dealing with his own problems. Parker's left all alone. And he didn't even want any help from any of us. He's enclosed, and he didn't want to let anyone in. And it was hard for me to see him destroying his own life.

My heart almost jumped out of my chest when my phone suddenly rang. Napapikit na lang ako nung makita ko iyong pangalan ni Saint. Hindi ko alam kung ilang segundo akong nakatingin doon nung biglang magsalita si Parker.

"Answer it," he mumbled.

Natigilan ako. Was he awake all this time?

"Are you alright? May masakit ba?" I asked him. The cut on the side of his lips looked painful. Nakipag-away ba siya?

He closed his eyes again.

"If you won't answer your phone, just turn it off," sabi niya. "Or better yet, leave," he briefly said before closing his eyes again.

Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako dahil sa kanya. My phone kept on ringing, though. I couldn't decide whether to drop Saint's call, or to answer it and be honest. We just had our talk about Parker... and I didn't want him thinking otherwise.

"Answer it or end the call. Hindi ako makatulog," he said, his eyes still closed.

It felt like we were back to where we were years ago. Iyong Parker na ayaw sa akin dahil pinipilit ako sa kanya ng mga magulang niya. I had worked so hard so that he'd like me... even as a friend. I was contented with that—I forced myself to be contented with that... And now, I was back to square one.

Tinignan ko iyong tawag ni Saint, bumuntong-hininga, at saka pinatay iyong tawag. 

"Gutom ka ba?" I asked a different question.

"Just leave."

"Pabalik na siguro sila Manang," I replied instead. "Gusto mo ba ng pagkain? I can text them to buy food, or magpa-room service na lang—"

Nagulat ako nung maupo si Parker. He was glaring at me.

"What do you want?" galit niyang sabi sa akin. He wasn't shouting. He didn't even raise his voice... but I felt scared. He felt so distant.

"Parker..."

"What do you want?" he said, his voice softer this time. He sounded tired. Gusto ko siyang lapitan. I wanted to console him... but how do I do that without hurting anyone in the process? Was it even possible?

I looked at him, and answered though my voice croaked.

"I want you to be okay," I whispered.

"I'll be okay. Even without your help, I'll be okay," he replied. Sasagot pa sana ako pero nagsalita ulit siya. "I won't kill myself. This is not enough for me to kill myself."

Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin. He was calm... but I still couldn't do anything.

"So... just please," he said, his voice pained. "Just leave me alone."

My heart ached inside my chest. Ilang beses niya ng hiniling sa akin na tigilan ko siya... And every time was harder than the last.

"Do you really mean that?" I asked him, as I stared right into his eyes. I wanted to see if he really meant every word he said. Na gusto niya talaga na iwanan ko siya... Na gusto niya talaga na tigilan ko siya.

The look on his face was too much.

"If it's about Saint—"

Bigla siyang tumawa.

"What the fúck, Imo? You think this is about Saint?" Hindi ako nakasagot. "This is not about him. I don't give a flying fúck anymore if it's him you want to be with. Okay na ako. Tanggap ko na kasi kasalanan ko naman. You loved me all these years and I took that for granted. Okay na. Alam ko na... But what I can't wrap around my head is that when I needed a friend... you weren't there."

Hindi ako maka-tingin sa kanya. Bawat salita niya ay tumatago sa puso ko.

"I just needed someone, Imo. I just needed someone to talk to. I didn't need you to love me. I just needed you to be my friend... pero hindi mo ginawa."

Tears started brimming on my eyes. Every word felt like a knife stabbing through my chest... but I needed to hear it.

"I just needed a friend. Hindi naman kita aagawin. Gusto ko lang ng kausap. I just needed someone with me while my mother slowly dies... while my father slowly withdraws from me. I just needed someone, Imo. Iyon lang. Pero wala akong narinig galing sa 'yo."

Tears began to fall. I couldn't move. Sumisikip iyong dibdib ko sa bawat salita niya.

"When mom died, alam mo ba? Ang sabi niya sa akin, alagaan daw kita... Pero bakit pa kita aalagaan? May iba namang mag-aalaga sa 'yo. Sabi niya rin, 'wag daw akong mag-alala kasi nandyan ka naman. Hindi mo raw ako papabayaan kasi nangako ka raw sa kanya na nandyan ka lang para sa akin. And you know what? I just lied to my mom until she died. Because I didn't want her to worry about me anymore. I didn't want her to worry that you won't be able to keep your promises." And then he looked at me again, and his eyes looked tired and resigned. "I don't want you as a friend... I don't want you in my life." 

Tuluy-tuloy lang iyong pagtulo ng luha ko habang nakatingin siya. Wala akong pakielam kung umiiyak ako sa harap niya. I wanted him to know that it was hard for me, too... Na hindi lang siya ang nahihirapan.

"So, just please... Tama na. Pagod na ako."

Biglang sumikip lalo ang dibdib ko.

"Okay..." I said in between sobs. "But promise me you won't destroy your life."

Nakatingin lang siya sa akin.

"Stop smoking, Parker... Don't drink too much... Don't get into fights... Please don't destroy everything just because you're hurting now."

I couldn't read him, but I could read myself. And I knew that it hurt too much.

"And I'm sorry if I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry. Hindi ko alam kung ilang sorry ang dapat kong sabihin para mapatawad mo ako... Sobrang nagsisisi ako na wala ako kung kailan kailangan mo ako, Parker. Habang buhay kong pagsisisihan na wala ako nung nawala si Auntie... But please don't destroy your life. It's okay to blame me, to blame the world, but don't do this to yourself..."

I looked at him.

"Okay?"

Slowly, he nodded. Ngumiti ako at saka pinunasan iyong luha ko.

"Okay, then... I promise to stay out of your way," I said and walk away before tears start to fall down again.

I felt like I really lost him for good this time. And it hurt.