#JustTheStrings

Parker Adrian Palma

"Don't you like Imo?"

I shook my head. How could I ever like her if she's being shoved down my throat? For the longest time, my mom had been telling me that I was for Imo. That when I grew older, it's her I should fall in love with. She made me feel like I didn't have a choice anymore. At all. That sometimes, I wondered why did she ever give birth to me. Was it for me to continue the life of her brother that was cut short?

My life really was bullshit.

"I don't know..."

"She's cute! 'Di ba, Tripp?" Mama said and Papa just blindly nodded. I knew he hated this, as well, but couldn't really do anything. "She's growing up to be a really beautiful lady, Parker..."

I opted to remain silent. The more they're pushing, the more I'd be pulling.

"Parker, let's play!" Imo told me. I looked at her and sighed. She's really nice and I liked her... as my sister. And even though I hated the fact that we're being paired up by our parents, I couldn't blame Imo. She's innocent as I was in this matter.

Sometimes, I blame Tito Parker for dying. His death means the lost of my life. Wala na akong sariling desisyon. Everything I do, it should follow what he did before he was gone.

"Later," I told Imo. Iniwan ko siya at nagpunta kay Preston. I didn't really like the fact that we're always at Imo's place... I'd rather that they come to our house. At least there, I could hide inside my room. And maybe use the double lock if mom attempts to make me play with Imo. It's annoying.

"Labas tayo," I said to Preston.

"Kakain na mamaya, e."

"I'll treat you. Alis tayo."

There's nearby café just outside this village. We just needed to walk a little and it was not a problem since Preston and I were both athletes. And I'd rather go outside than to spend another minute here. Alam ko kasi na kapag kumakain na kami, ipipilit na naman nila Auntie Imo kaming dalawa ng anak niya. It's really getting tiresome.

"Okay," Preston said. Habang naglalakad kami, tinanong niya ako. "Ayaw mo talaga kay Imo, no?"

I shrugged. It's not like I didn't like her... I liked her as a person, just not as someone who's being paired with me. Those were two completely different things. If only she wasn't someone who's introduced to me as my future, we'd surely be close. But the opposite happened so I reckoned if we'd ever get past the awkward stage.

"It's not that I don't like her—"

"I get it," Preston interjected. "Nakaka-inis na palagi kayong pinagsasama, no? Kahit ako naiinis kay Mama, e."

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya. I knew Preston wasn't really a big fan of his mom... like me. Siguro kaya kami magkasundo. Pareho kami ng mga problema sa buhay. Pareho kaming pilit pinapabalik sa nakaraan. Why couldn't we just live in the present? Why bother live if all we'd ever do is look at the past?

"But don't blame Imo for that. She's just a kid, Parker," Preston said.

"I know... that's why I'm not doing anything to lead her on," I defended myself. If anything, I had been cold and unaccommodating towards her. I wanted her to know and to feel that nothing would ever happen between us. That whatever fantasy our mothers were having, I wasn't going to participate in that.

Hindi talaga.

The duration of my junior high was... fine. The first few years were really good since Imo's in a different building since she's still in the elementary. But just this year, she's already in the same vicinity with me. And again, it started to feel suffocating.

"Parker..." she said. She was looking at me and all I could do was sigh. How could I push her away so cruelly? She's like an angel. She's so nice. But I really hated being paired up with her. I didn't know what to do with her anymore. Because no matter how I tried to push her away, she kept on coming back. She always came back.

"Why?" I asked.

She smiled so sweetly. "Have you had lunch yet?"

I was torn. I already rejected her lunch invitation for days... And looking at her hopeful face, it was just hard to let her down again. "Hindi pa," I replied and smiled a little.

Maybe I was leading her on. Hindi ko alam. But my conscience didn't allow me to just break her without braking. It wasn't her fault that she fell for me... maybe she was pressured and she gave in. Maybe she unconsciously heeded our mothers' wishes. I wished the same happened to me. I wished I just fell for her, too, because hurting this little girl was really taking a toll on me.

"I read Imo's diary," Preston said. We just finished our soccer practice today and we were hanging around.

"Pakielamero ka talaga," Benj said, throwing grasses on Preston's face.

"Hindi ko sinasadya! Nakakalat kasi!" Preston said in defense. "Anyway, puro Parker ang nakalagay. Ang lala talaga ng tama ni Imo sa 'yo."

Natahimik ako. It was really awkward talking to Preston about Imo. What do I say, anyway? She's his sister, after all. I knew that even if Preston didn't say a word, he hated it whenever I was making Imo cry. Because I saw those tears... those fucking tears that I caused. Why me? Why did she fall for me? There were hundreds of guys out there. Hundreds of guys who were far more deserving than I was...

Fucking Tito Parker.

"Birthday wish niya raw na isayaw mo siya kagaya nung pagsayaw mo kay Charie nung prom," Preston continued.

I remained silent. It's her birthday next week. I had always been present in all her birthdays. Kahit na pinipilit lang ako nila Mama, gusto ko pa ring pumunta. Imo's smiling face whenever I gave her my gift made it worth it. She's appreciative of whatever it was that I gave her. She's always grateful. She's really a little angel.

"Pupunta ka?" Jackson asked. Napa-tingin ako sa kanya. He really didn't talk much but when he did, I figured I should listen.

I nodded. Of course, it's Imo's birthday. It's her special day. I wasn't that cruel to destroy her day.

"Papaasahin mo na naman 'yung bata," he said, looking at me. "If you really don't like her, stop leading her on, Parker. She'll just keep on hoping if you keep on looking her way."

Natahimik kaming lahat sa sinabi ni Jackson. We'd been friends for years, but this was the first time that he meddled on my affairs with Imo. He had always been the silent one, the observing one.

"And you want me to start by ditching her own birthday?" I couldn't believe what he was suggesting. It was one day. One day when I could allow myself to be nice to her. To stop making her feel like I didn't like her. One day.

He nodded. "It's her birthday. Maybe then, she'd realize that you and her? Not happening."

I looked at Preston's reaction but his face didn't say anything. Did he want this, too? Did they want me to ditch Imo's birthday when Imo's one wish was for her to dance with me? Did they really expect me to break her heart on her own birthday?

For the entire week, this bothered me. I tried to focus my attention on other things but it was hard. Tuwing makakasalubong ko si Imo, she'd smile at me. She would just greet me good morning or good afternoon. She wouldn't say anything about her birthday. It was an unspoken agreement between us that during her birthday, I'm always with her. For the entire day, I'm hers... but this year, maybe it's going to be different.

"Preston," I called. He looked at me. "Do you want me to ditch Imo's birthday?"

I wanted his opinion. I wanted to hear his thoughts. Because between the two of us, he's the one who cares the most for Imo's feelings. I didn't want to heed to Jackson's advice. I wanted to hear Preston saying that I should go to Imo's birthday. Because if he says it, I would go. In a fucking heartbeat.

"Yeah."

"Are you serious?"

He tucked his hands inside his pockets. "We're graduating this year, Parker. Pa-graduatin mo na rin si Imo sa 'yo."

My jaw clenched. Did he think it was fun for me? Did he think it was fun rejecting his sister time after time? Did he think it was fun seeing her cry because of me? Did he think I was having a great time with all of it?

"You're an asshole," I told him just as he was about to leave. Natigilan siya. He turned and looked at me. His eyes were angry—mirroring mine. Were we really doing this? Were we hurting Imo—a person who's been nothing but kind? Someone who has shown nothing but good to me?

"I'm just protecting my sister from an even bigger heartbreak, Parker," he said and then left.

Why the fuck was I feeling angry? Why did I want to punch Preston?

"Imo," I said when she answered the call. I was standing a few feet away from her. I couldn't tell it to her face. I couldn't look at her while I say what I had to say. Wasn't it ironic if I didn't have the heart to look at the very heart that I was about to break?

"Parker!" she happily said. I could see her smiling from where I was standing. Huminga ako nang malalim. "You called!"

"Ah... yeah..." I closed my eyes for a while. Paano ko ba gagawin 'to? Tangina naman.

"Bakit ka tumawag?" Seconds passed, I didn't say a word. I didn't know where to start. Hell, I didn't even want to start. Couldn't I just stand here and stare at her smiling?

"Imo..." And when I said her name, her smile just got even bigger. Fuck you talaga, Preston. "About your birthday..."

The smile on her face, I wasn't ready to wipe it away. I never wanted to take it away. I loved her smiles. I loved her innocence. I loved her but not the way everyone wanted for me to feel. Why couldn't they just respect my feelings? Why couldn't they stop pushing me and for once, maybe let me walk my own pace?

"I have a date tomorrow. Hindi ako makakapunta."

The smile was gone. I didn't want to look. I didn't want to watch what I would be doing to her. But maybe I needed this. I needed to see her break so that finally, I'd have the heart to save her from a bigger heartbreak. Maybe Preston was right. Maybe they're right. Maybe I should do this now. Maybe this was but a small sacrifice compared to the possibility of her completely falling for me. Because by then, I was afraid of how she might feel when she finally realizes that there's never going to be an us.

That us was an illusion. That us was a thing in the past.

That Imogen and Parker is never going to happen.

"K-kahit sa gabi?" she said, trying her best not to show that she's already crying. Tears slowly fell from her eyes... once and then it didn't stop. It just continued to fall. Like a rain in a storm. It continually fell. Like the pain I was continuously making her feel.

"No."

I watched her cry. I watched as those tears cascade down her face. I watched it all. I watched how I broke her—the person who knew nothing but to love me.

"O-okay... mag-enjoy ka sa date mo," she said, biting down her lips. And as she ended the call, she sat down and hugged her knees. And then cried some more.

She cried for minutes. I watched for an hour. I didn't leave until she was done shedding all those undeserved tears. I wished she'd stop crying. I wished she'd realize that there's more to life than me. I didn't deserve her. Someone better deserves her. Someone who'll see what a wonderful person she is. Because even if they say that magic doesn't exist, I believe that Imogen is the closest thing there is to magic.

I didn't want to follow her because I might just break my word and tell her that I was lying. I called Benj and asked him to look over Imo. My phone was turned off. I knew my mom would call and demand that I go to Imo's birthday. She's the reason for all of this. Why was she forcing me to do this? Did she really see me as her son or as the replacement of her brother? I wish she makes up her mind. Baka sumunod na lang din ako kay Tito Parker dahil sa mga ginagawa niya.

"You okay?"

"What do you think?"

Jackson shrugged. "Inom tayo?"

We didn't really drink. Coach didn't like his players getting drunk because it affects performance, he says. But today called for maybe a drink or two. Today, I officially broke a heart... or maybe mine, too. Just a little.

He bought beers in can while I waited in the car. We drove to nowhere.

"She'll move on," he said. "Eventually."

"What if she doesn't?" I asked. I feared that she'll forever hold on to me. I didn't want her to. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to be loved.

"She will," he repeated. "Someday, someone's going to see her worth. She's something special, you know?"

I nodded in agreement. Imo's special. She's nice unlike most girls I know. She works hard in silence. She's smart though she doesn't brag about it. She appreciates every little thing—what I like the most about her. She goes to church every week and helps in charities whenever she can. She re-defines perfection in my dictionary.

And she has the biggest heart and it fucking kills me to be the one to break it.

"And when someone finally looks at her, won't you regret it?" he asked.

"As long as he'll love her the way she deserves to be loved, I won't."

--

The night of her birthday—just a few minutes before it ended—I gave her a gift. I knew she loved anything Harry Potter so I gave her a wand. I just put it on her nightstand and placed a card. I just couldn't resist. She deserved a gift, at the very least.

When we were finally in college, I started to notice that Preston's being an ass to me. He volunteered me to all these weird projects and signed me up in all these out of the city excursions. Kapag may groupings naman, magkasama silang apat—si Preston, Benj, Jackson, at Jas, iyong girlfriend ni Jackson. And Preston's latest idea of fun was volunteering me to clean Ilog Pasig.

"Asshole, asshole," I kept on repeating habang tinutusok ko iyong mga kalat at nilalagay sa plastic. "Makaka-ganti rin ako sa 'yong gago ka."

Wala bang volunteer na magpupulot ng basura sa Payatas? Ilalagay ko ang pangalan ni Preston ng sampung beses para maka-ganti ako sa kanya. Tangina niya. Sana nasa bahay ako ngayon at nananahimik pero nandito ako sa Pasig at namumulot ng kalat.

"Hi!" Napatingin ako sa gilid ko. Kinunutan ko siya ng noo. Sino ba 'to? "I'm Cindy. You are?"

"Parker," I replied but there was a noise.

"Panther? Cool name!" What the fuck? Panther? Bakit naman ako ipapangalan sa hayop ng magulang ko? May sira yata sa ulo 'tong babaeng 'to.

I was about to correct her but she proceeded on talking about things. Her voice was nonstop. Ang dami niyang sinasabi. Lahat yata ng bagay sa mundo, may opinion siya.

"Know what? You're a pretty cool guy," she said after we were done for the day. Pagod na pagod na ako. At ang baho ko na.

"Why?" I asked as I looked for a bottled water inside my bag. I needed to wash my hands. I should've brought alcohol. Ang baho talaga tangina ni Preston.

"Wala kasing masyadong guys na nagvovolunteer because for them, caring for Mother Nature sucks. But you're different, Parker Palma," she said and then she smiled.

And before I knew it, I already voluntarily signed up for two months of cleaning Ilog Pasig. Shit.

"Hindi ka na naman sasama?" Benj asked. "Tuwing Sunday ba, hindi ka free?"

I nodded. We just finished our Saturday practice. And for some weird reasons, I was already looking forward for tomorrow.

"Dahil ba 'dun sa babae na lagi mong kasama?" Benj asked. "'Yung maputi at saka maganda?"

Napa-tingin sa amin si Preston. Agad na kumunot ang noo niya.

"Wala 'yun," I said. I didn't want them knowing about Cindy. Mas lalo na si Preston. Ano na naman ang gagawin niya sa akin kapag nalaman niya na may iba akong gustong ligawan? Baka hindi niya lang ako i-volunteer sa Ilog Pasig. Magulat ako, iyong summer ko ay ipapadala niya ako sa Africa para magpakain ng mga bata doon.

"Wag kame, Parker. Mukha mo."

Kinulit niya ako nang kinulit tungkol kay Cindy. For a week, iyon lang ang tinatanong nila sa akin. I kept on diverting the topic because I really didn't want to talk about her with them. I felt like Cindy's a part of my other world... iyong mas tahimik. Iyong walang nakikielam na magulang. Iyong iyong gusto ko lang ang nasusunod.

Sunday came, I was early for the volunteer work. It was the last. I was looking forward to see Cindy and maybe ask her to go out with me. It was hard to ask her because she's self-assured. She knows what she wants and knows how to get them. It's intimidating to be with someone like her. She made me question myself. She made me re-evaluate myself.

"Where's Cindy?" I asked the head volunteer when Cindy's still nowhere in sight.

"She called earlier. Hindi makakapunta. May sakit daw."

I ignored the head's voice as I walked away. I went to my car and sped away. I should've noticed! She was really pale last night when I asked her to eat dinner with me. Why was I so insensitive?! Hindi ko man lang napansin na may sakit siya! Pagdating ko sa bahay nila, nagulat ako dahil walang tao. It was a two-storey house.

"Cindy?" I said as I knock. I knew she's here. She's sick. She surely couldn't go somewhere else. I waited for minutes until she finally opened the door. And when she did, I almost hugged her.

"Parker?" I forced myself not to smile when she said my name. For a week, she kept on calling me Panther. It's a delight to hear her finally saying my right name. "What are you doing here?"

"Brought you food and medicine," I said with a small smile.

Her lips parted. And though her lips were pale, I was tempted to kiss her. What the hell did she do to me? Why did she make me want to take care of her? Why did it make me mad to know that she's sick and she didn't tell me?

"Why?" she asked, breathless.

"Because..."

"Because what?" she asked again, with those intense eyes of hers. I loved how intense her eyes were.

So I braced myself and just told her what I feel. This year was closing fast. I didn't know what will happen next year. I didn't know if I'd see her again. But I wanted to. I definitely wanted to see her again. I wanted her everyday, if I could have it my way.

"Because I like you, Cindy Ruiz. I like how you call me Panther. I like how opinionated you are. I like how caring you are. I like how strong you are. I like how smart you are. I like how picky you are. Hell, I even like it when you're being nosy about my things. And I hate it when someone messes with my things."

I went on. I poured everything out. I just wanted to say it all out—not to hold anything back. Because for so long, I kept it all in. I didn't want to have her because a part of me was afraid that my parents would meddle. They didn't want anyone for me... except for Imo. They only wanted her. And I was damn sure they'd only accept her.

And I didn't want to make Cindy my secret girlfriend. She deserved more than that. She deserved to be shown around not only because she's amazing... but also because I could clearly see myself falling in love with her. Slowly, yes... but fucking surely.

"So please..." I said, staring at those eyes. "Date me."

She smiled... and tears fell. "Gosh! I thought you'd never ask!" she said as she hugged me.

--

Spending time with Cindy was probably the best thing there was. Everyday with her was unpredictable. She loved doing all things unplanned. She loved surprising me.

"Happy six months, love!" she greeted as she removed her hands on my eyes. My eyes widened as I saw how she prepared. There were petals everywhere and there were gold balloons on the wall that spelled 6 months. "You love it or you love it?"

I pulled her by the waist and kissed her. "I love it." I kissed her again. "I love you."

She squealed. "Gosh, you finally said it! I love you, too!" she said and then encircled her arms on my neck. "I love you so freaking much, Parker Adrian Palma," she said, gently smiling.

We'd been together for six months but we never said it. I didn't want to say it until I was sure... because before, I thought that maybe I had feelings for Imo. That maybe that's the reason why it was so hard for me to break her heart. Because maybe... just maybe... I had feelings for her, no matter how little. But spending time with Cindy? I realized that I hadn't felt love.

That this was what love is. It's fun. It's addicting. It's spontaneous. And it's everything that Cindy made me feel.

"I love you," she said in between kisses.

"I love you, too," I replied. It felt right saying it.

"I love you, three," she cheekily said. "Don't get tired of hearing it, okay? I just want to remind you everyday that you're loved, love."

We kissed. And kissed. And kissed some more. Clothes were discarded.

"Are you sure?" I asked her.

"With you? I'm always sure."

--

"Love..." she said. We were on her couch and watching TV. Her mom's not always around. Her dad, well, she really didn't see her dad often. She's an illegitimate child. We already talked about it and we understood each other's situation. She told me she couldn't introduce me to her parents because her family's messed up. I told her about my situation. And she understood why after a year of being together, I still hadn't brought her home. She's understanding and I love her more for that.

"Hmm?" I asked. I played with her fingers.

"I know I promised we'll go out of town this Friday but I kinda promised my dad that I'll come with their trip."

"Is it okay?" I asked. I knew her father's wife wasn't exactly fond of her.

"Yeah, it's okay. My half-sibs are nice to me naman, especially si Cohen. And it's not like Tita Anna will hurt me. She's nice naman though medyo masungit, but I understand that I'm her husband's child outside marriage. It's really nice of her to allow me to be a part of family trips."

I used to be friends with the GDL. After all, we belonged in the same circle. We're all part of the varsity and we often see each other. But when I learned about Cindy's situation, I started to get annoyed with them.

Since Cindy's out of town and Imo invited me to be her escort to the prom. I accepted. It had been almost a year. Maybe she moved on like I did.

"Wag na," Preston said.

"It's been a year, Preston. Okay na siguro. Andi it's her prom," I said.

Tinignan niya ako. "Maybe you're already okay... pero paano si Imo? Sigurado ka bang okay na siya?" he asked.

But Imo was very hopeful when she asked me. How could I say no? And besides, I was sure she's already over me. I wished.

"May hinihintay ka ba na text?" Imo asked. We were in her prom. She looked pretty in her dress. Mas tumangkad din siya. I kept on glancing at my phone. Cindy said that she'd text me once she gets there but there's still no text. Kinakabahan ako dahil parang racer magdrive si Cindy. Pakiramdam niya pwede siyang magdrifting palagi.

I shook my head and said, "None." I didn't want to blatantly lie. I humored her with dances until she got tired. While I, I was restless. Ano na ba ang nangyari kay Cindy?

"And this year's Prom Queen is our very own, Mary Imogen Suarez!"

But as she ascended, I received a text saying that Cindy got into an accident. I immediately rushed outside and went to my girlfriend.

"You motherfucking asshole!" sabi ni Preston at saka sinuntok ako. "Sinabi ko na sa 'yo na 'wag mong paasahin na naman 'yung kapatid ko, 'di ba?!" And then another punched. "I told you to stay clear, to stay as fucking far as possible!" Another. "May girlfriend ka ng gago ka tapos nilalandi mo na naman kapatid ko!"

I let him punch me. I deserved it. I heard Imo broke down during her prom. Everyone watched as she cried. Everyone pitied her because I left her. I deserved this beating.

"God, I want to kill you!"

And that was the last thing Preston said to me. Hindi niya na ako kinausap simula 'nun. Tuwing nagkikita kami, hindi na kami nag-uusap. O kung mag-uusap kami, puro kapag kailangan lang. Benj told me we'd be okay again. Jackson told me it's my fault. That I should've just stayed clear. That just because I moved on didn't mean Imo has, too.

Cindy became my solace. She's the only one I had. My friends were all on Imo's side and I didn't hold it against them. I didn't even want to have them on my side because I want them to comfort Imo. I knew she's hurting and I want her to have all the support she could get.

But as months passed, we started to become okay again. Imo talked to her brother and made him promise to be okay with me again. Napilit nila na magsama kaming lahat sa Batanes. Maybe they're hoping that we could be back again to normal after that. And it happened. Kind of. We weren't back to normal, but it's a start, at least.

"Cindy texted. Her driver's sick. Pwede bang sunduin natin siya?" I asked. Imo silently nodded. Mukhang okay naman na talaga siya. "Imo," I called. She looked at me, her eyes has always been sad... or maybe it's only the case when she's with me. "Can you move to the backseat?"

She nodded... and that's the last I saw of her—bago siya naging malapit doon kay Saint.

"Why weren't you answering my calls?" tanong ko. I felt like she's ignoring me. Kasi kahit naman may girlfriend na ako, nag-uusap naman kami. Pero nitong nakaraang araw, pakiramdam ko ay iniiwasan niya ako. Kahit si Preston, kapag kinakausap ko nang matino ay wala akong makuhang matinong sagot. Walang kwentang kausap.

"Nasa class ako kanina," mahinang sagot niya. Didn't she know that she sucked at lying? "Ah-ano, pupunta kasi ako sa—"

"You know Saint?" I asked. That's what I wanted to know. Bakit niya kilala si Saint? Why was she associating herself with that guy? Cindy said he's a playboy. I didn't want his kind with Imo. Ayoko ng lalaki na pagsasamantalahan siya. She deserves so much more. I didn't want another undeserving guy for her.

"How?" I asked.

"C-church mate," she said.

"Church mate?" Was she serious? Of all places, sa simbahan niya pa makikilala iyong Santo na 'yun? Kaya nga hindi siya pinapapunta masyado ni Preston sa gym ay para hindi siya makita nung mga varsity player. Because as Imo grew older, she became more beautiful. She's stunning in a way she didn't understand how. She just turns head whenever she goes. She doesn't even know it and that makes her even more attractive.

I tried to warn her. I tried to pry her away from Saint but it seemed like the more I tried, the more she grew closer with him.

"Parker," Mama said. I looked at her. She was growing thin maybe because of stress. She almost lived at the office. I barely saw her home. "Who's this Saint?"

"What?"

"Imo said na may binabanggit daw iyong magkapatid na Saint ang pangalan. Do you know him?"

My jaw clenched. At nakarating na rin pala kila Auntie si Saint. It had barely been months since they met, nakaabot na agad siya sa magulang ni Imo? He moved so freaking fast.

And when Imo started posting pictures of her and Saint, I knew it was staring to become serious.

"Are you okay with Saint?" I asked Preston. Because between the two of us, he's the one who should be more worried.

He shrugged. "It's fine." My lips parted. This was his reaction?! Tapos nung ako, sinuntok niya ako?!

"What?"

He looked at me, his eyes serious again. "We may not like GDL as a human being, but let's respect the fact that he makes my sister smiles. I appreciate that."

"Seryoso ka ba?" hindi makapaniwala kong tanong. I expected a more hostile reaction from him. Tapos, ito lang ang makukuha ko?

"Have you seen her lately, Parker? She's smiling. After making her cry for a long time, she's finally smiling," Preston said with a little smile. And I didn't know what to make of what I was feeling.

I diverted my attention elsewhere. I tried to focus on soccer, on Cindy. But it felt like the universe was conspiring. Everywhere I go, I could see Saint and Imo. They're everywhere in this campus. So fucking everywhere that one time, I couldn't help but to kick the ball to his head. It was a petty thing to do, but I couldn't resist. He was standing too close to Imo.

When I got home, wala na naman sila Mama. Didiretso na sana ako sa kwarto dahil sanay naman na ako. I was pretty sure they're doing another all nighter. They're so immersed with their jobs that sometimes, I believe they already forgot that they have a son waiting at home. I felt bad before, when I was younger, but now, it was my new kind of normal.

"Parker..." tawag ni Manang. I faced her and when expression was rather scared, my forehead creased. "E... si Ma'am Kach e sinugod sa ospital."

My heart stopped inside my chest. My hands turned cold. I ran outside and drove my car to the hospital. When I arrived, my dad was outside. His eyes were bloodshot red. Mas lalong bumilis iyong tibok ng puso ko. What the fuck was happening?

"Pa..." Every step I was taking, my heart was beating faster. What was happening? Why was this happening? "Where's Ma? She's alright, right? She's just probably overworked..."

But Pa's eyes told me otherwise. They said she had cancer. And it's already in fucking stage 3. And it could've been prevented if my mother did checkups. But she's so in love with her job that she didn't notice that she was killing herself slowly. And I couldn't even go inside her room. I didn't think I could take it. It still felt surreal. It felt like a bad dream and I wanted to wake up.

I stayed outside. I sat on the chair. My vision was staring to be cloudy. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

"She'll get better," my dad lied.

"Don't lie to me. I'm not a kid."

He smiled. This sickness was already taking a toll on my dad. He barely ate. He barely slept. It felt like instead of losing a mother to cancer, I was already losing both parents... and there's nothing I could do but watch them be taken away from me.

I started to skip practices. I started to skip classes. I spent all my time in the hospital with my mom. I didn't tell anyone about it to respect my mom's wish. Ayaw niya na may makaalam na may sakit siya... she didn't even want Auntie Imo to know and she's her best friend. Sino ako para sabihin sa iba?

"Parker," she called. She was pale. She already lost her hair to chemo. I tried not to cry as I look at her. I wanted to be strong for her when in truth, I wanted to cry. I wanted to be in pain. I wanted to be scared... but I wasn't allowed. Because if I get scared, who would fight for us?

"Yes, Ma?" I asked. I was slicing an apple. I wanted to eat healthy. Ma told me stay healthy.

"It's Imo's debut... Hindi ka pa rin ba pupunta?"

How do you tell your dying mother that the girl she wants for you is already with someone else? Is there an easy way?

I told her I'd try, but I wouldn't. Imo's already happy with Saint. I had Cindy. Why would I make it harder for everyone?

"I'm sorry, Cindy. I can't," I said. She wanted me to come with her to the mall. My mom had another chemo session this afternoon and I wanted to be there for her.

"Parker... is there something wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing," I replied. "Next time na lang."

My coach already told me that my game time would be taken from me if I continued missing practices. I didn't care. It wasn't even a priority anymore. Pumunta ako pabalik sa ospital. And when I got there, my mom was in a chemically induced coma. My father stood there and listened to the doctor's explanation. While I? I cried for the two of us. He couldn't cry? I'd cry for us both. Diretso lang ang tulo ng luha ko. Hindi ko alam na kaya ko pa lang umiyak nang ganito.

As I stared at my mom's face, I remembered her wish before she fell asleep. I kissed her forehead and went outside. Agad kong pinuntahan si Auntie at sinabi iyong plano ko. How did I even do it with my eyes full of tears? I was staring to feel like I was a girl. I kept on crying. I only cried when I was alone because when I was in front of my parents, I wanted to pretend that I was strong. I could see that they're already giving up. I wanted to give them a reason to hold on. Nandito pa kasi ako. May anak pa kasi sila na buhay. I still needed them.

I spent the entire day painting Imo's wall. It's her 18th birthday. She deserved something like this... or maybe something more. But she already got enough love to last her a lifetime. She got her family. And now, she has Saint, too.

"Cindy, I'm tired," I said. I was tired. And I just wanted to drink and get drunk. And maybe forget my problems, too. 

"You're always tired! You're always busy! You always have a reason why you're not talking to me!" she shouted.

"I can't," I croaked. I couldn't talk to her. Not to her. "I can't talk to you."

"That's bullshit, Parker! I'm your girlfriend! If you have a problem, talk to me instead of shutting me out!"

"You can't help." No one could.

"But maybe I can!"

"Hindi nga," I said. If I couldn't even help myself, how could she help me?

"You know what? Fuck you and your excuses! Just talk to me when you're ready to be my boyfriend again because now? You're just a drunk asshole."

I stayed there and got drunk some more. I wished that my drunkenness would take the pain away. Ang sakit na kasi talaga. Everyday felt like a nightmare and there was no way of waking up. I wished I could wake up.

"You're here," I said as I saw Imo. She looked like an angel.

"Hello," she awkwardly said and then sat beside me.

"GDL's not here?" I asked.

She shook her head. "Nasa Brunei." I nodded my head. Alam niya rin kung nasaan si Saint. Ganoon na ba talaga sila kalapit? Ano na ba sila? "Pasok na ako," she excused herself when she felt my stares. But even before she could leave, I reached for her arm.

"Wait," I said. "You're gonna leave me?"

"Papasok lang ako sa loob."

"Why do you have to leave me?" I asked. Why was she leaving me, too? Lahat na lang ba sila iiwan ako?

"Pupuntahan ko si Kuya," she calmly answered.

"Really? Baka naman si Saint ang pupuntahan mo." Ano bang meron sa santo na 'yun?! Why was Imo choosing him over me? I had been with her for so long! Why was she choosing someone else?! Why was everyone leaving me?!

"Wala nga rito si Saint—"

That fucking name! "Saint, Saint, Saint! Fuck that name!" Sinipa ko iyong bakal. "What does he have, huh? You've known him for what? 3 months? 3 months tapos in love ka na agad?" I said. "Are you that easy to get rid of your feelings for me that you'll fall in love with the first guy who shows motive?"

Why was it so easy to leave me? Didn't I have anything that makes people want to stay? Why was leaving always the easier option? Why couldn't my mom stay? Why couldn't Imo stay?

"Why, Imo? Huh? Why can't you just stay... Masaya naman dati, 'di ba? Bakit kailangan may magbago?"

When she cried, I wanted to say sorry. I didn't want to hurt her... But why would I say sorry for saying what I really feel? She kept on telling me how I hurt her. Siya lang ba ang nasasaktan? Nasasaktan din naman ako. Hindi ko lang pwedeng ipakita kasi kailangan palaging ako 'yung okay. Hindi ako pwedeng maging hindi ayos. It was suffocating.

--

Weeks passed. My mom's condition just got worse. It kept on getting worse each day. It was hard to see her drift away. It was hard to witness someone you love slowly wither away. But it was even harder to pretend that you're okay... because no one's okay. Because you're the one who should be okay.

I said sorry to Imo for everything that I said. I didn't want to hurt her... that's the last thing I would do. But it hurts me every time I think that I wasn't just losing my mom... my dad... and now, even Imo's already gone. Everyone's leaving me. It's making me want to give everything up. But talking to Imo... she made me feel like everything's going to be fine. A simple message from her was enough to lift my sunken spirit.

'Congrats, Imo. Be happy,' I told her. She's already with Saint. Wala na akong magagawa. I lost her. But I wanted her in my life. I just needed her... I just needed her in my life dahil kung wala siya, hindi ko na alam. Ang hirap na.

Sometimes, she's the only one who made me keep going... because if it's only for me, I would have given up a long time ago. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle... and at the end, I would be lost. And broken. And no one would be there to pick up the pieces.

"Parker..." my mom called. She looked so fragile.

"Bakit po?"

We were in the States for better treatment. The hospitals in the Philippines couldn't do anything for her anymore. And we wouldn't just give her up that easily. Hindi papayag si Papa. Hindi ako papayag. I was willing to give everything up just so she'd be okay again.

"Kapag wala na ako—"

"Ayokong pag-usapan," I cut her. Why did she keep on telling me that she'd die? Didn't she really have a heart for me? Wasn't I really her son? After controlling my life, she'd just leave without even a regard for what I was feeling?

"Parker, one day, I'll be gone," she said and then a tear fell from her eye. I didn't want to look at her. I didn't want to remember her as someone who's weak. I wanted to have a memory wherein she's the person I look up to. I didn't want to keep this memory. I didn't want a memory where she's weak and dying.

Pinilit ko na 'wag siyang pakinggan kasi masakit. Masakit na naririnig mo iiwan ka na ng magulang mo... masakit kasi wala kang magagawa. Pinapanood mo hanggang mawala sila.

"I want you to take care of yourself... do whatever you want, okay? Just please promise me that you'll be safe... and happy. Iyon lang ang mahalaga sa akin, anak."

Tears began to flow. Ang tagal kong pinigilan na hindi umiyak pero pakiramdam ko, bigla na lang siyang kukunin at ito na iyong huling pag-uusap namin. Gusto ko siyang hawakan pero natatakot ako na baka huli na 'to. Baka hindi ko na siya makiita. Baka hindi ko na siya makausap. Ngayon lang ako natakot nang ganito.

I had always hated her... I had always resented her for forcing me to do things I didn't want... but now, all I ever wanted to do was to beg her to stay. Kahit isang araw lang. O kahit ilang oras lang...

"Ma?" I called her name when she wasn't moving anymore. "Ma..."

Doctors and nurses rushed in. People shouted. They tried to revive her. I stared at her lifeless body. I couldn't feel anything anymore.

I went outside and quietly sat down. I reached for my phone.

'Hey... Can we talk? I need to talk to someone.'

But she never replied.

--

We left with my mom alive but we returned with her corpse. I hadn't cried a tear since she left. I couldn't feel anything anymore. I felt empty... and lost. People kept on saying condolence... and that things would eventually get better. What did they know? Did they even have an idea about what I was feeling? About what I lost? Because I didn't just lose a mother. I lost my father, too. I couldn't feel him anymore. It seemed like when my mom died, he died, too.

I wanted them to stop saying sorry. Sorry wouldn't fix me. Sorry wouldn't bring back what I lost. Tanginang sorry 'yan.

"Parker..." Imo said. She's here. Kung kailan hindi ko na siya kailangan. Kung kailan wala na akong pag-asa, at saka siya dumating. "I'm sorry..."

I needed her then... I needed her then the most. Hindi ko naman siya kukunin. Hindi ko naman hihilingin iyong puso niya. Kailangan ko lang ng kaibigan. I just needed to know that I still have someone. But she made me feel like I didn't have anyone.

"Get out."

But she stayed. Why didn't she do that when I was still holding on? Why didn't she stay when I still had hope?

"Parker naman..."

"Get out of my room, get out of my house, get out of my life."

I didn't need anyone anymore. I didn't want feelings anymore. I didn't want people who would just end up leaving me. I didn't want to feel that pain anymore.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. I didn't need her sorry. I didn't need anyone's apology. "I'm sorry if I wasn't there for you. Hindi ko naman alam."

"If you really care about me like you claim, stop bothering me. Please."

--

I tried to avoid her. I tried to ignore her. I wanted to pretend that she didn't exist. I wanted to get rid of anything that reminded me of her.

"Parker, you're wasting your life," my friends told me.

"It's none of your fucking business."

Was this still life? I just wanted to die. I wanted to follow everyone. But mom made me promise to take care of myself. Even in her death, she still wanted me to suffer. Why did she want me to live if all I could ever feel was pain? Did she want me to die everyday? Did she want me to slowly feel death?

"Umayos ka na," Preston said. "Tutulungan ka namin pero umayos ka, Parker."

Bakit ba ang daling sabihin na umayos na ako? Kung madali, gagawin ko naman. Hindi kasi. Araw-araw, tuwing gigising ako, maaalala ko na wala na. Iniwan na ako. Wala ng natitira. And even when I want to die, I still couldn't do it. I had no choice but to endure every fucking day of my life. Every miserable day I had to endure.

"Is it still about Imo?" he asked. "Because if it is, aayos ka na ba kapag wala na sila?"

I didn't answer. Why did they feel like my pain was answerable? Why did they feel like what was taken from me could be replaced by anything else? Why were they belittling the pain I was feeling?

I didn't know what happened. I just learned that a few days after, Saint and Mary broke up. I didn't want anything to do with her anymore. I wanted to remove her from my life. Seeing her reminded me of everything... because even in my mom's death, she still wanted me to take care of Imo. How would I ever look at her when she reminded me of everything that I wanted to forget?

"Get in," I said. When I saw her cry, I couldn't ignore her any longer. Why was she crying? Did she love him that much? "You are going to see him."

"I need to see him," she replied. She couldn't even speak clearly. Tears were flowing.

"He broke up with you."

"But I'm not done with him yet. I'm nowhere done with him. I won't stop hanggang hindi niya pinapakinggan iyong paliwanag ko. I deserve to be heard... wala naman akong ginawang masama."

Why was it so easy for her to forgive him? To go after him? Why was she going through all these trouble to see him? Why couldn't she do the same for me? Why was it so easy for her to discard me? Why was it easy for her to let me endure alone?

Why was she making me feel everything again?

I went to the ocean. My mom wanted her ashes scattered like Tito Parker's. If I die, I'd probably be in the ocean, too.

"Ma..." I said as I talked to the wind. "I'm sorry. I couldn't do anything for you anymore. I know I promised that I'll take care of myself but it's hard... I kept on drinking and smoking. I just wanted to follow you there... baka kasi ayos. Baka mas matahimik ako dyan. Baka mas masaya dyan. Nandyan ka... nandyan si Tito Parker... Pakiramdam ko, malapit na ring sumunod si Papa... Because I didn't even know where Papa is. You took him away from me, too. Sinama mo siya, e. Wala kang iniwan sa akin. Kinuha mo na rin siya... sana kinuha mo na rin ako."

The wind blew harshly against my skin. Napa-ngiti ako. I imagined her getting angry at me for saying such things.

"But I'll promise you one thing, Ma... I'll take care of Imo. I'll take care of her like you want me to..."

That's the last thing she said to me. Maybe that's my life's purpose. Maybe I was born for her... maybe I was really born for Imo. Because without her, I'm lost.

"You're going to Europe?" I asked. She nodded. "Why don't you run away with me?" Why couldn't we just run away from everything? Pagod na rin ako.

"Why? Because misery loves company?" she asked.

"Because I understand you," I replied. "In ways that he'll never be able to."

And I couldn't remove you from my life. You're the only constant thing. You're the one I kept on coming back to. But she didn't want to. She didn't want to run with me... she didn't want to stay with me. Why did it hurt again? Why was she making me feel again? I didn't want to have feelings again. I just wanted to be numb from everything.

"When you return, I'll be better."

Because by then, maybe she'd finally look my way.

--

I did everything to make myself better. I stopped drinking. I enrolled in law school. I killed myself by studying day and night just so I could be someone she could be proud of... I did everything. But why did my efforts always go to waste? Why did she still look at him when it was me who was with her?

Why was it still Saint after everything I did?

Why did she keep on making me feel inadequate?

"Can you forget me?" she asked. She didn't stop. She just kept on going. Parang gusto niya akong saktan ulit. Na kung kailan okay na ako... kung kailan pakiramdam ko may kwenta na ulit iyong buhay ko, at saka gusto niya na naman akong patayin.

"No," I answered. "Can't you love me again?"

Maybe my 'I love you' was too late. 

"I don't want to," she replied. Pakiramdam ko ay bigla niya akong sinaksak. Why did she have to be this cruel? Why did she have to hurt me with her words? Maybe I had hurt her... maybe I deserved this... maybe I deserved to get my heart crushed. Maybe I deserved to get my spirit crumbled.

But shit. Why did she have to do this when I finally had something that made me want to live again?

"Why can't you forget me?" she asked.

"Because I'm in love with you, Imo. Every fiber of my being is in love with you. I love you even though I know you're not in love with me. I love you even though I know that when you're with me, you think about someone else. I love you even though every time I look in your eyes, I could see it's him you want to be with. I love you even though it hurts. And I love you even though you're killing me by not even pretending that you can love me." I tried to stop myself. "So stop asking me to forget you. I would... if I fucking could."

But these traitor eyes betrayed me.

"Forget me... even if you fucking couldn't. Because I'm not in love with you anymore, Parker. I love Saint. I'm in love with him and I plan to continue to be in love with him. Stop doing this. Stop asking me to love you. I already spent years being in love with you. Tapos na 'yun, Parker. Even if you beg, I can't love you again. When you pushed me away, you made a space in my heart... a space Saint filled. And I don't have any plans of removing him from my heart. I love him... I'm still so in love with Saint. I'm in love with him... not with you."

Why didn't she just kill me instead?

--

I didn't know where to go. I didn't know what to do anymore. I kept on walking... and walking... and walking. I wanted to follow my mom but I knew she'd hate me if I do that. So I killed myself by studying instead, by working. I forgot everyone. I pushed everyone away. I didn't want anyone anymore. I didn't want feelings anymore. I didn't want to give anyone the authority to hurt me again.

Because I trusted someone once... twice... thrice... and I always ended up wounded.

"She's getting married," Benj said. I continued reading my book. "Wala ka man lang sasabihin?"

"I don't give a damn anymore."

He sighed. "Parker—"

I closed the book and looked at him. "I don't give a damn about her anymore, Benjamin. What the fuck can't you understand? Stop telling me news about her. I don't care anymore."

Tumayo ako para umalis pero sinundan niya ako.

"Why are you being unfair, Parker? Nasaktan ka lang, hindi ka namatay! Pinili niya lang iyong mahal niya, hindi ka niya pinatay! Why are you acting like she's dead to you? You're being so immature!"

Napatigil ako sa paglalakad.

"Hindi niya ako pinatay? Hindi nga, pero pinaasa niya ako! Sana sinabi niya dati pa na wala talaga, hindi 'yung pinagmukha niya akong tanga! Sana nung una pa lang, pinaliwanag niya na na wala! Hindi iyong itinaas niya ako para lang ibagsak ulit! And don't fucking talk to me about pain because you don't have a fucking idea about how I'm feeling! You didn't lose everyone you have, Benj! And I lost everyone!"

Nagsimula akong maglakad palayo.

"She's leaving," he said. "You probably won't see her for a long time... Magpaalam ka naman."

I didn't care anymore.

--

The day of her wedding, everyone urged me to come. I went to the school instead. Why were they asking me to attend their wedding? Wala na ba talaga silang pakielam sa nararamdaman ko?

Diretso akong naglakad papasok. I still had lots of reports to do. I still had lots of books to read. I wanted to keep myself occupied so that I wouldn't have to remember that today was their wedding.

"Miss, ID?" the guard said to the lady. Papasok na sana ako pero nakaharang siya. She didn't look like a student from here. She was wearing jeans. And we're not allowed to wear jeans here.

"Ah... naiwan ko po kasi," sabi nung babae. Didiretso na sana ako papasok dahil male-late na ako sa usapan namin ng kaklase ko. I promised them that I'd summarize the report for today. I volunteered myself to do everything because I just wanted to drown and not be able to feel or think at all. I just wanted to shut down.

"Uy, classmate!" the lady shouted just as I was about to get inside the building of law. It's already 5:04. Sabi ko, 5:10 ay nasa classroom na ako para sa meeting.

"What?" I asked. She was pointing at me. She nodded and then pulled my lanyard. Binasa niya iyong pangalan ko. Muntik na akong masakal.

I was about to pull my lanyard back when she anchored her arm with mine. She looked at me and grinned. "Male-late na tayo sa class natin, Parker Adrian Palma," she said as she pulled me away from the guard. 

(Continuation of Parker Palma's story on Just This Once)