I loved hajiyaammi comments on the last chapter.
I think she's the only person that looked at it with a deeper meaning and understanding.

Aunty Amina this is for you🤗❤️✨🌹
Thank you 💕💕

JAWAHIR

Pain, ache, agony, anguish. These are the words that come close to describing how I feel.

I don't and can't love you, ever!!! You are a liability forced upon me, I will never love you!

I took pity on you!

I didn't ask you to mix your emotions in this, you cannot blame me!

YES! My plan was to blissfully ignore everything, I never asked you to involve your feelings!

—was a mistake! It meant nothing—

I wanted to write down exactly what I'm feeling but somehow the paper stayed empty, and I could not have described it any better. The worst kind of sad is not being able to explain why. Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through expectations, it hurts when you realize you aren't important to someone you thought you were. It hurts the worst when the person that made you feel so special yesterday, makes you feel unwanted today.

Sometimes it's better to keep silent than to tell others how you feel, because it hurts badly when you come to know that they never really cared. Hurting someone is easy as throwing a stone in a lake; but they never really know how deep the stone goes once it hits the water. Take care to remember that each stone thrown could be a ripple of hurt or a tidal wave of devastation.

It has been three days, three days since I got know what it's like to have your heart crushed, destroyed and broken. Three days and I've been leaving in nothing but agony and utter sadness. Three days since Aayan left this house and I haven't seen him ever since, but I'm quite sure he hasn't returned ever since, not even once. I have been operating on autopilot, cry, pray, sit down and stare at nothing, pray, cry again and again, repeat.

I haven't had a solid meal and I'm scared if I eat anything I'll end up throwing it out. My heads feels like there's a band and a zoo all together banging at once, it feels so heavy that I can't even move it properly, it hurts to move even to breathe.

I held back a wince when I stood up to go to the bathroom, I am currently in my room. I couldn't stay in that room, I won't be able to handle it, if I had my way I wouldn't be in this house. Just being inside it causes me so much anguish.

Someone make it stop, please.

Here I was thinking I've been accepted wholeheartedly, oh how wrong I was! It was stupid of a me to think he'll accept me, after all I was a liability forced upon him, he took pity on me. Pity.

Who will accept you? I warned you didn't I?

Why?! Why did they do this to me?! I was perfectly fine with my life then I was abruptly uprooted from it just because I didn't want to further my education. No one, this was not done to anyone, why me? What wrong did I do? My father couldn't or didn't do anything to stop it, to save me. And my mom, my mom thought she has saved me but unknowingly she has handed me on a silver platter to have my heart wrenched.

Emotional scars hurt the most, you can't see them but their depth knows no end. The most painful scars, the one that hurt the most are the ones that can't be seen. If it were a physical thing, painkillers would have sufficed but this, this torture, this agony, I don't know how to stop it.

Make it stop, please.

It didn't hurt this much when I was fourteen and got abducted, it didn't hurt this much when those men mercilessly hit me with sticks and irons, anything they could get their hands on, it didn't hurt this much when they put their filthy hands on me and it didn't hurt this much when I saw my life flash in front of me just when I was about to surrender to the abyss of darkness, death.

It hurts so much, so badly. Please make it stop.

He used me! And when he finally got what he wanted, he singlehandedly shattered my heart, into tons of tiny pieces.

Now tell me how will I start mending it? HOW?!

It is not the bruises on the body that hurts, it is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind.

I don't think I'm strong enough anymore. I'm tired, I'm shattered to the core. I just want to sleep. Make it stop, please!

I smiled when I saw the darkness waving at me, my loyal companion is here. It was stupid of me to think I'll be able to escape it, so I stood up and chased it with all my might. But it kept running, it must be very angry with me. I kept running and running until I caught up with it.

You will never be able to escape me. It said.

I smiled, I don't want to, now make it stop. So I wholeheartedly embraced it.

Instead of the faces I've been seeing for years, I saw Aayan brutally murdering my heart.

*******

I woke up disoriented, I have finally escaped! But my joyous moment was short lived when I discovered I'm still laying down on the bathroom floor. The pain came back with full force, more intense than before.

Stop! Please stop! I noticed a razor blade shining on the counter top, I have never hurt myself except that one time. It wouldn't hurt to try, I'm not doing anything wrong. Maybe, just maybe it'll take away this pain I'm feeling, even it's just for a little while.

So I crawled and picked the blade.

Don't do this Jawahir, you're stronger than this!

I gave out a short sarcastic laugh. Strong? I'm not strong, I am weak, pathetic. That's why I'm unlovable.

Do it! You want the pain to go away right? This is your chance.

I placed the sharp blade on my wrist but didn't apply pressure.

DO IT!

DON'T DO IT!

DO IT JAWAHIR!

YOU'RE STRONGER THAN THIS JAWAHIR! SATAN IS JUST MESSING WITH YOU, DON'T LET HIM WIN!

DO IT!

DON'T LET HIM! YOU'RE STRONGER THAN THIS, THAN HIM!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I let out an agonizing cry. I looked at the blade I was holding and hastily dropped it like it was burning me. How did I go from that little 5 year old, always happy and smiling to......this?

Ya Allah.

Never feel hopeless and useless. Get rid of such thoughts the moment they cross your mind. Satan is trying to trick you.

When you feel low and depressing thoughts seems to get you down, keep a smile on your face. Thank the Almighty you're alive. Seek forgiveness because regardless of your condition, someone out there is in a worse condition than yours. Be grateful to Him upon all conditions and He will increase your sustenance.

Allah will lift you up when you're down. He'll make you strong when you're weak. He'll guide your path when you're lost. Put your trust in Allah, Jawahir.

Allah mentions in the Qur'an that He returned Musa(AS) to his mother so she shouldn't be sad. Look at Allah's concern for the sorrow in her heart. Don't you ever think that He doesn't care about you. He's aware of your pain. He's taking care of you even if you can't see it. He is Al Wadud, the most loving. Your pain isn't trivial to Him. Hold on, keep going he's with you.

Mammie and Abu's words kept ringing in my head. What was I thinking?! What is wrong with me?! I hastily stood up and performed wud'uh. I prayed two units of prayer, I took my plea to Al Khabeer; the all aware.

I poured my heart out to the Almighty. 'Ya Rab. There's something inside me that scares me. It consumes me, my nafs overtakes me, and I fail again and again, I feel so lonely. Ya Allah, only you know, only you know my every thought, every sadness, every pain. All my darkness, you see it, only you understand me. Only you Ya Rab. Ya Allah save me from my darkness.'

As I sat down on the prayer mat with my hands raised and legs folded, I felt serene. The force that was tightening my throat wasn't their anymore, the fist that was clenching my heart is also gone and I could breathe freely. True indeed, for du'a is the believers weapon.

I fell asleep, this time nothing came to hunt me and I got the sleep I truly deserve.

The next time I woke up, I found myself on my bed. For a minute I was hopeful, maybe, just maybe Aayan is back and he's the one that put me there. Once again reality slammed hard on me when Kausar walked into the room holding a tray.

"Kausar," I couldn't recognize my voice, it was scratchy and croaky. "What are you doing here?"

"Alhamdulillah, you're awake Jawahir. For a minute, you scared me." She kept the tray on the bedside and sat beside me.

"How long was I out?"

"It's 9'o'clock."

Wow! I've been out for almost ten hours. "What are you doing here?" I asked again. Where is your brother?

"Akhi called this morning that you are sick, and that you're alone because he had to travel urgently so Ammiey asked to come and stay with you."

Of course he left the country, that's the only thing he's ever good at. He is nothing but a coward. At least he considered not leaving me alone. Because when I'm alone, I think. When I think, I remember. When I remember, I feel pain. When I feel pain, I cry. When I cry, I cannot stop.

"Thank you Kausar." I croaked. Kausar smiled at me. "Pray then come and it."

I performed ablution and offered my Maghrib and Isha prayer. I coupled that with some nafls. I returned and noticed that Kausar made chicken soup.

"Sorry, that's the best I could do." Kausar smiled sheepishly. I chuckled a bit. "It's okay. Thank you."

I gobbled down everything in less than five minutes, I was really famished. "Shukran." I thanked Kausar with a smile.

"You're welcome. Akhi was very worried, this seminar is very important that's why he had to leave. If not I'm sure he wouldn't have left your side."

I couldn't hold back the eye roll but luckily she didn't notice. I don't want to talk about him or anything related to him, I don't want to see anything that'll remind me of him. But sadly I'm in his house with his sister.

I gave Kausar a tight lipped smile. "Forget about that, we are finally having the sleepover you've always wanted,"

Kausar eyes went wide with excitement. Thank goodness, I've successfully stirred away the conversation from her brother. "Yes! I didn't even realize it Jawahir, I was so worried about you being sick. But," she stood up and did a weird happy dance. "I have finally get to stay over and Ya Aayan isn't here to disturb us."

I laughed genuinely at her enthusiasm, maybe having Kausar here is the best thing for my mental being. I don't what I'll do if I'm left alone.

Ya Jabbar, restore and mend what's broken in me.

I'm so sorry about the short chapter 😭🙏🏼🙏🏼

But I had a hard time writing this, I'm about to do a mini rant, bear with me🙏🏼

When I started writing JEWELS, I never had the intention of making mental health issues a vital part of the story. If you know me, you'd know that I shy away from tragedies and all those serious feelings stuffs (emotional stories) except a few exceptions here and there, I mostly read lighthearted stories not because I'm being ignorant but because I know I'll spend half of the time crying and feeling depressed than reading the actual story😂💔😭 So I'm as surprised as you are when I found myself writing heavy on depression, suicidal thoughts and all that....

When I got to that bathroom scene, it was honestly exhausting. I tried to put myself in her shoes, so that I'll be able to capture the emotions properly and by Allah it was mentally draining 😪 I was feeling down for the whole day 😔😔 It got me thinking, if I'm this exhausted whilst just pretending then I wonder how people living with it actually feel....💔💔

I've never had severe depression Alhamdulillah (well we've all had that 'Everyone hates me, I wish I was never born' phase once, I know I did) so please bear with me with what I'm writing, I'm sorry if I have offended anyone. I'm pouring my heart out on this.

We are in a community where mental health issues aren't taking seriously. When a young adult or a teenager says they are depressed, people are like 'what have you been through in life to be depressed?' And I hate that sentence/expression with a passion. You don't have to be a certain age to have struggles, struggles don't look at age, size or anything for that matter .....

So please and please 🙏🏼😭 if you're feeling down speak up. Don't bottle everything up, let it all out.

Again I'm sorry if I offended anyone knowingly or unknowingly —that was never my intention— I'm also sorry if I failed to capture what it really feels like, I'm so sorry. I know for a fact that I won't be able to write down exactly how it feels because you have to go through certain situations to understand, I also know that some of this things are just unexplainable. But I just want to use this opportunity I have to try and spread awareness about this issues.....

Again I am sorry 🙏🏼🤧

On a lighter note,

I want to thank each and everyone of you for 20+k views. Jazakumullahu khairan🌸❤️❤️ Thank you for the endless support, you have no idea how much it means to me😭💞
To all the new friends I made, thank you ☺️💕 The voters, the commenters, I appreciate you❣️❣️Even the silent readers, nagode💕 I hope you'll come out of hiding and at least vote, maybe even comment. I promise I don't bite😂❣️

I'm very very thankful🙂😌 Allah bar mun ku🤗❣️❤️

Oh and how many of you read Hausa novels? In gaya maku, I read my very first one some time last week 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻and it was💥🔥🔥🔥👌🏻🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 it's called Al'amarin Zuci by ummyasmeen  the book is sooooooooooooo awesome!!! I also read another one 'Akan so' by LubnaSufyan , it was really really good too👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻 I never knew they were this peng!!!!!!!

😂😂😂 okay leave some heart touching suggestions here.

Mehn this is longest author note I've ever written 😹😹😹 I won't blame you guys if you don't read it😂❤️❤️

Toh shikenan, I'm going ba se kun koreni ba🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️

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Yours truly
Memzyb✨🌹