Amatullah's diary.
April, 2014.

Dear diary,

Sometimes you might have to make a decision that will break your heart into pieces but will bring peace to your soul.

The decision i made was to avoid Mr handsome because that's the only way i can stay sane. But he didn't even show up again after that day or the day after or the next and that only proved my greatest fear, that he had a hand in that near assault.

I have never been so disappointed, angry, empty and heartbroken. I wonder how a person could feel all those profound emotions at the same time and not lose it completely. It sucks so much and it hurts and its so annoying.

Ya Jannah has been noticing some changes, she didn't tell me but whenever I look at her, i see it in her eyes because she has the most expressive eyes i have ever seen. And i also know she has noticed from the frequent calls she gives me whenever I'm out, the way she makes sure I don't skip a meal and how she wakes up from sleep every now and then to make sure I'm asleep.

She's a sweetheart i know, but i hate that she doesn't even give me the chance to cry into my pillow when i feel choked with my strong emotions. I only get that chance in the bathroom when I'm taking my bath. But i want to cry into my pillow because pillows are like confidantes, like a shoulder to cry on, crying always hits differently on them.

I'm tired of writing, no actually I'm tired of everything. I hope this period of heartache ends soon.

—

Amatullah's diary.
June, 2014.

Hello diary,

I think I'm a little bit over-obsessed with Mr handsome and his thoughts and our memories together.

I hate that because i know i should move on already and that always makes me cry because I know I can't just forget about someone who gave me so much to remember so easily, at least not anytime soon. But now i think it's turning into frustration because i realize i waste so many tears, more than I should over a heartbreak.

I cried over it today when i was trying to read for my test, i was quick enough to wipe the tears on my face when Ya Jannah walked into the room, but not quite sharp to hide my almost bloodshed eyes. So she noticed and them came the thousand questions I had been trying so hard to avoid.

I just gave her one answer, that things in school are getting pretty hard and I don't want to fail my first test.

I didn't think she would believe me, but surprisingly she did right away and even offered to help me study. It took everything in me to not let out a sigh of relief that moment.

Believe me, no one wants to get interrogated by Ya Jannah!

But i swear i love her past the moon and beyond the stars. I hope she will not stop loving me, even after she learns about all this in the future.

—

Amatullah's diary.
September, 2014.

Seven months, thirty weeks, two twenty five days. It's been that long since i set my eyes on Mr handsome. If not feeling the urge to cry into my pillow everyday or thinking about him every minute of my day and concentrating more in school count as moving on from a heartbreak then I'm marvelously moving on!

Or not! I thought when i saw Mr handsome today and relief immediately washed over me, and i relaxed. I felt like it was the first time I really relaxed since the last time i saw him.

The first thing i observed was his full ungroomed beard, an elephant could be hidden there... then his eyes, sunken and ridiculously sad. I remember how it hurt to look at those eyes.

Why was he sad though? I thought, because he didn't get what he wanted?

I almost laughed humorlessly at the thought.

"I'm sorry." He said, "I'm truly very sorry."

My heart was warming, and it was the last thing i wanted to feel around him. This man that could be capable of so many unspeakable things! So, i turned without saying a word and walked off.

I was utterly shocked when i got back home and received a call from him. I don't know how he got my number, i wouldn't have answered if I knew it was him, because i knew I shouldn't love him or have all the feelings i was having for him that moment, but i do. And that's what makes him more dangerous.

I was about to remove the phone from my ear and hang up when i heard him say, "Don't hang up. Please beauty."

I paused and breathed deeply, trying to curb my temper.

"No you're not sorry! How could you stoop so low?! You know what? You're a coward since you couldn't even face me and do it yourself, you had to send someone to do the job for you. You're a coward!" I paused again and rolled my lips, pushing back a sob. I was glad i was the only one at home and even gladder that he called. At least i would get this over and done with

"What are you talking about?" He asked and i laughed so hard, through my tears. Maybe i was turning mad. Maybe i needed to turn mad to free myself from the indescribable hurt and pangs.

"Please i want you to calm down and tell me what you're talking about. What happened? I really have no idea."

"I was wrong about you all along, i trusted you but you hit me with something i never expected! You sent someone to humiliate me and snatch away my dignity. I want you to stay out of my life. I don't want to see you or hear your voice ever again. Please!"

"I swear i don't have a hand in what you're talking about. You have to believe..."

I hung up the call. His audacity infuriated me beyond measure. I curled up on my bed, tears rolling down the side of my face and into my hair and ear.

When his call came through again, i switched off my phone completely.

When i turned it on the next few hours, i saw over ten messages from him.

"Please listen to me beauty. You have to believe me."

"You're one of the best things that has happened to me. I would never do such thing to you, i swear."

I kept reading the messages until i came to the last one.

"I just found out who did that to you. Please turn on your phone and let's talk. Give me that chance even if it's going to be the last thing you're going to do for me. I promise if i tell you and you're still not convinced, I will stay out of your life. I promise."

I sighed, many thoughts running in my head. For once, i calmed down and really pondered over the whole thing carefully. The masked-man sounded jealous of mr handsome, like he said all the things he said about him just to paint him black, maybe even turn me against him.

I thought for a moment. There was only one person that was trying to turn me against him.

I clasped my palm over my mouth as realization hit me. Even if Mr handsome didn't tell me, i already knew who the person was. It was Shamo.

Anger rippled through me, it still ripples through me. Betrayal! That is the saddest thing about betrayal, it never comes from your enemies it comes from friends and loved ones, the people you love the most.

What angers me the most is that I let myself believe him. That douchebag!

I swear my hate for him is inextinguishable, it would never stop.

—

Amatullah's diary.
October, 2014.

Hi diary,

I didn't pick any of mr handsome's calls or reply his messages because i wanted to collect myself first.

It was a month later that i finally agreed to meet him in my school. It felt extremely awkward but i was more ashamed for accusing him. He didn't deserve that from me.

I let him explain everything and it was exactly the same thing i thought. It was Shamo.

"I understand and I'm sorry for accusing you. I shouldn't have jumped into conclusion." I said, avoiding his gaze.

What he said next shocked me to stillness.

"I want to marry you Amatullah."

Of all the things I should have thought and said, my mouth only chose to ask him "Why?"

"Because I'm for the first time afraid because of you. I have never been so afraid to lose someone."

"Why?" I asked, yet again.

"Because there's something so different about you that I won't find in anyone else, even if I spend the rest of my life hunting."

I blinked for a few times, not believing his words. I wanted to tell him how in love i was with him, how i always dreamed of spending the rest of my life with him and how his mere presence made me whole but instead i said, "Marrying you will be like living in a world where I don't belong."

And it was true, i was just going to deceive him if i accepted his proposal. There was no way his family would accept a girl like me.

"You're going to be my wife very soon, in shaa Allah." He said, his voice purposeful, "And I'm coming to see your father to ask for permission to start seeing you the right way."

I felt tears brewing in my eyes, "I don't even know your full name and you don't know mine."

He laughed at that, "Let's start from a clean slate then. My full name is Ibrahim-Khaleel Abubakar Daggash. What else again?"

"You don't even know if I love you." I formed another excuse, but it was a good one.

"I knew no one would ever love me like you do from the time you accepted me despite all my flaws, mistakes, burnt past and all that comes with me."
 
I nodded, quietly agreeing with him.

Soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys. And keys to fit our locks.

I know my soulmate is Ibrahim-Khaleel Abubakar Daggash.

I trust this guy so much, and i hope he doesn't make me regret it.

***

Jannah always thought how absurd it was when people laugh hysterically in a moment they should lose their cool and break down in tears. Now she knew it wasn't absurd, because she found herself doing that and it felt like the only right thing to do.

That thing she just read was completely ridiculous, impossible to believe. She looked at Sheikh's complimentary card she brought out from her bag a few minutes ago and perused it for the second time, trying to make sure her eyes weren't really telling her lies.

(AAD)
Abdullah Abubakar Daggash,
+2347099999990,
Ministry of Justice.

She sat there on the middle of her bed, not knowing what to do or how to feel. It all made sense now. She remembered all what Doctor Khalifah was trying to tell her but she stupidly put on a blindfold over her eyes.

Sheikh was just fooling her. Just like his brother fooled her sister. It was all carefully plotted! Every single thing!

This... it just dismantled her heart and the wound would last a lifetime. It was the kind of wound that hurt so bad that your whole body would cry. That your heart would ache so much, you can't even take a breath or a single word or even move. Your mind was just fixed on the pain.

"Your hands are shaking, what is wrong?"

Jannah didn't know when Binafa came in, and she didn't care to know. It was the least of her problem.

"You're scaring me." Now Binafa was sitting in front of her on the bed, "Should i call Hajiya or someone?"

"I hate men." Jannah finally breathed out.

"What happened?" Binafa asked, worry evident on her face, she looked down and saw the diary on jannah's lap. "Amatu left a diary? Oh my God!"

"Do men like those ever sit and think of the day of resurrection?" Jannah asked, then quickly shook her head, "I doubt they do! How do they inflict this much pain on someone and still live happily?"

"Jannah! Can you tell me what happened?" Binafa pleaded.

It took Binafa a few minutes before she got Jannah to stop shaking and finally tell her everything.

By the time Jannah was done, Binafa had her eyes expanded so wide, hand pressed to her chest. "You mean Sheikh the money guy is his brother? Ya Rahman! This has to be the most twisted thing i have ever heard."

"I'm going to call him, right now." Jannah said and began to scrabble for her phone.

"Wait, stop! You're not going to call him." Binafa stopped her, snatching away the phone, "This could be a coincidence!"

Jannah glared at her so hard, "A coincidence? This could never be a coincidence Binafa! I feel so stupid. I can't believe i went and confided in someone that shares blood with the person that destroyed my sister!"

"You need to calm down. Why would Sheikh just materialize into your life?"

"He wants to ruin me just like his brother did to my sister. That's probably their goal, to ruin two sisters from the same family! Psychopaths!"

Binafa took in a deep breath and slowly exhaled, that was the only reason she could also think of. But there might be another one, somewhere, if they calmed down and looked into this closer. Because this whole thing didn't make sense.

She took Amatullah's diary and flipped through the pages, "Jannah look, you aren't even done yet, there are a few pages left. We are not even sure if the guy is the rapist."

Jannah paused, realizing that too, she immediately let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. She quickly took the diary from Binafa and started reading. Her heart pounding.

Amatullah's diary.
October, 2014.

Hello diary,

Abbiey will be out of town for a couple of weeks, he retired from his job just recently, we are all not happy about it but he said it's for the best, so we just pray it is.

Mr handsome is going to meet him after he comes back and I can't wait. We don't meet frequently like we used to before but I'm happy that everything is going smoothly.

I told Ya Jannah about his proposal and she was very happy for me. I even showed her his pictures that he snapped on my phone and what she said still makes me laugh.

She said, "Indeed, he deserves his name, handsome."

I'm honestly so happy with everything and everyone in my life right now and I couldn't be more thankful for it.

—

Amatullah's diary
November, 2014.

I'm writing this as fast i can because death might come to me anytime and I really want to finish what I started.

When you're going through too much pain, you just wish for two things, death and peace.

These days I feel like I'm already dead. I'm living but dead inside. And i'd rather die than live like this. Every day i sleep i pray for my soul to be taken before i wake up. But it still hasn't happened, my heart is still beating in the broken piece it is left in. I felt too choked yesterday like i would explode, so i tried eating rat poison but Ya Jannah noticed so fast, before i even ingested it.

I was angry, angrier than i had ever been because i was tired of seeing them hurting because of me, tired of the sleepless nights, the bruises from scratching my body, the horrible frightening nightmares, vivid replays of the trauma and the tears, i was inexpressibly tired. But I promised to never try something like that again because she reminded that not only will the person who commits suicide not find peace when they kill themselves but they will be tortured for eternity by their weapon of choice when they committed suicide. 

I became terrified.

I don't want any more suffering, i want peace. Just infinite peace!

Last week this time, i was trying mr handsome's number for the third time that day. We had agreed to meet after i was done with my afternoon class, i had waited for him for almost an hour but he didn't show up and he wasn't replying my messages or answering my calls.

It was so unusual and i was utterly worried. When i realized 5 o'clock was nearing i decided to leave. I told man muba to wait for me outside the school and i would trek to the gates, maybe before i made it there Mr handsome would show up.

Suddenly i heard the screeching of car tyres, the car stopped beside me on the road and horned. The windows were tinted black, even the rims were black, it was difficult to see the person behind the wheel.

But soon a man came out, I looked at the big gash across his left cheek, then his red eyes and lips probably darkened from too much cigarette intake. There was something about him that immediately alerted my defenses.

It was Thursday, the school was usually scanty on Thursdays, I realized people won't come to my rescue on time. So i gripped my side bag tightly, ready to bolt.

The man was too fast, he caught me right before i even took a step. I tried to free myself, i kicked, bit and screamed but all my attempts were in vain, his grasp was like a whip i knew if i endeavored a little more my fragile bones would be fractured. 

He brought out a handkerchief and put it over my nose. When the strong smell of chloroform hit my nostrils, i screamed with all the energy that was left in me but it came out muffled. I couldn't breath, i felt nauseous from the smell, i was tired of fighting.

When i opened my eyes next, i felt relief wash over me because I thought it was just a dream, one of those nightmares. But when i looked around I realized i wasn't in my bed next to Ya jannah, I wasn't even at home.

Indescribable fear gripped me, my breath hitched because the person that was sleeping beside me was a man. I craned forward to look clearly and the world stopped completely.

I didn't know for how long it stopped, but it was after i felt the pain between my legs that i resuscitated and the realization hit me, like thousand trucks just ran over me. Or more.

I have been dead since that second!

That second that squidged all the bones and the veins and the soul and the life in me.

I looked at my dress that was on the floor, ripped beyond recognition. Mr handsome woke up just then, holding his head between his hands, our eyes clashed when he looked up.

I remember how shocked he looked, even shocker than i was if possible. But i was no fool, that was his reaction when he hugged me, it was all intentional, planned.

Comprehension crossed his features, and he gripped his forehead, shaking his head, saying some words I couldn't grasp.

I snatched my dress from the floor, still under the blanket and quickly slipped into it. I wore my hijab too, it was still intact.

"Amatullah... I don't... i have no idea..." He slurred and held his head again.

I realized he wasn't even fully sober. Actually he was all the things I thought he wasn't. But all i could think of was to get out of that place. It hurt so much when i walked but the pain in my heart was million times graver.

I still don't know how i managed to make it home. But i wished i died on my way because maybe i could endure the stab of betrayal from someone i held so close to my heart, or the grief of getting rob off my dignity but i could never stand the agony i saw in my family's faces.

I wonder how one moment, just one single little moment could screw up everything.

Ya Jannah wanted to report to the police but there was no point. I know I'm going to die soon, and he's definitely going to die someday too, sooner or later, and when we meet again in there, justice will be served by The Most High. In the best way.

I wish all this could be temporary and i wish I could love myself through it but it's impossible. I am torn apart beyond mend. No one will ever know the kind of conflict raging inside me.

But you know what? I don't regret knowing mr handsome because he gave me the most beautiful memories in a short period of time, he evoked the feelings in me I didn't think i was capable of feeling but i will surely regret what he did to me for the rest of my life.

I hope he does too.

My hands are shaking right now, what I'm writing is so sloppy I can't even comprehend my words. I think I'm about to have a panic attack, i have been having them a lot lately.

I'm going to stop here, If i get better i might write again, if I don't then maybe that means I'm dead.

Ma'assalam diary.