"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." – Barbara De Angelis

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Chapter 46
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Luke

I took my package from the delivery driver with a nod of acknowledgment. "Thanks," I grumbled, earning a sideways glance in return.

I knew I earned it, and why I earned it. I'd been even more of an ass as of late.

Three days ago, I'd nearly fucked with the only good thing I'd ever had going for me.

By nearly kissing Maggie, I somehow created a multitude of disaster. Not to the public, but to myself. I'd say her, too, but she was as cool as a damn cucumber.

After I bitched out of the kiss, I drunk an entire case of beer, stumbled back into bed, then spent the entire night cursing myself while Maggie slept. The next morning, she got out of bed, and remained just as fine. As if nothing happened.

I didn't know why I was so upset about it, since technically, nothing did happen. I was the one who pussied out.

Yet, here I was, seventy-two hours later, and still stuck on the almost-kiss.

I couldn't even recall what, or how I'd been so captivated in her smile, her eyes...her. All I knew was that one moment I was telling myself to run away, to walk off before I gave in, and the next she was staring at my lips the same way I was hers, and I was leaning in.

Then, I chickened out. Like a little bitch.

The only reasoning that made a bit of sense was that...I was too scared of her, of how she looked at me, of how I looked, admired, thought of her.

It wasn't right, not in the slightest.

I'd been fighting a losing battle for so long, it was hard to imagine why I'd ever thought it up in the first place. It was inevitable.

Because, I knew, without a doubt...that I wanted her.

I wanted Maggie. I wanted her like I'd never wanted anything, or anyone in my fucking life.

I wanted her so fucking bad that it hurt.

Her smiles. Her scars. Her laughs. Her snort when she laughs. Her insults. Her dinner conversations. Her funny pronunciations. Her eyes. Her voice.

I wanted it all. I wanted all of her.

I couldn't have her.

It was impossible; it was nearly laughable to even imagine. There was no way in hell that she'd even consider the idea. That she'd even consider me.

I was all I had to offer, and it wasn't much. It didn't amount to her.

I'd never deserved anyone. I'd never gained, or really kept anyone for too long. My own family hated me; they wanted nothing to do with me. They were terrible, conceited, selfish people, and even when I acted the same, even when I tried my fucking hardest to act worst...I still wasn't worth their time.

So, what would make the most perfect girl on this planet think any differently?

She had been through so much. She endured so much, yet still held up strong. She had done it on her own, as well as so many other things.

Why would I come in, and ruin that?

It was what I did. I was a ruiner. It was the one thing I always got right without an ounce of regret.

I wanted to be wrong, though. For the first time in this wicked fucking life of mine, I wanted to be wrong about it.

I didn't want to ruin Maggie, not at all. I didn't want to ruin what we had, what I had. I didn't want to hurt her. Just the thought of losing her made my mind shrink into a pain I'd never experienced before.

I couldn't suppress, or deny anymore. It was impossible. It made me sick to my stomach to even try.

The only thing that I could do was hope. Hope, and plead, and beg that maybe, hopefully...she would consider me. That she would look over the bad that everyone else saw of me, and instead find the good.

I wasn't perfect. I was the opposite, really, but for her...

I wanted to be the best good she'd ever known, because I was trying to be for her. I wanted to be hers, and only hers.

I already was, even if she didn't know it. The girl had gotten me to the point of, if she added please to any sentence, I'd trip over how pretty her voice sounded asking it, then go to the ends of the earth to make sure that the demand was met.

I'd admit it.

Maggie was my idea of perfect. Of good, and beauty. Of strength, and life. She was the only light I'd ever found in the midst of it all. She was my idea of an angel.

She was everything that made me feel, and I wasn't just talking about basic ass shit. No, I was talking about wondering whether or not I should schedule an appointment with my cardiologist soon from the way my heart acts around her.

She was the person that made me forget all else. She was the person who I wanted to be my person. Any other thing, any other person, or feeling that didn't involve her, was nothing to me. Compared to her, who was my everything, anything else was simply a passing thought, if that at all.

Maggie Norris is exactly what I want the rest of my life to look like.

I'd take anything I could for the time being, though. Small glances, holding hands, bracelets...I'd take anything and accept it with nothing, but approbation.

Anything of her was the world to me. Anything she gives, chooses, or doesn't choose to give to me will always end in the same result: me falling even harder for her.

I glanced around my building with a huff. I hadn't done a damn thing except sit around, and sulk about Maggie from the moment I came in.

She had a couple exams today, so I'd been here all day to stop myself from losing my shit. Even having her out for a couple hours with her dads' friends out there fucked with me.

I checked for the umpteenth time to make sure her location had remained the same. When it loaded, I saw that she was still on campus.

I bit back a grin. I knew without a fact that she was passing all of them without a sweat. As much as I teased her about it, I knew how intelligent she was. And, as clever as could be.

That's my girl.

I blinked as the thought hit. I sounded delusional as shit.

As right as it sounded in my head, it was wrong. I was wrong. I shouldn't be laying claim to her without her permission.

I raised myself from the floor, sweeping over either side of my pants. I headed straight out of the shop without looking back, and went right for my car.

I was wasting my time. There was no way in hell I was getting anything done with my mind like this.

This was just another reason to stay quiet. It wasn't the right time for any of this, and I knew that. Her father was trying to kill her, and my own just tried to do the same to me only a couple days ago.

I'd expected the blowout much sooner, and accepted it for what it'd be. I knew my dad was coming, but I hadn't really cared, honestly. As long as Maggie was safe in her room, then I didn't care about anything else.

Until Maggie got out, then got ahold of the loaded gun.

I knew from the moment I saw it. I'd exchanged the empty one for that one after I took it back from her.

As angry as I'd been at Maggie for having it, I hadn't taken the time to think over the risk of her shooting herself to realize that she'd only done it to protect me. I hadn't even needed it, but she still did it, nonetheless.

It wasn't even anger, really. It was fear. It was a fear that I'd never known. I couldn't imagine the turn of events for my father and brother had a bullet even grazed her skin.

I knew what I'd promised her that day at the shack, that I'd respect her wish of 'letting things be.'

I wouldn't.

The moment her father, and his men come, I wasn't letting her near the fight. There was no fucking way I was risking her life in that way. I could handle them on my own, and when the time comes, I'll make sure it's safe enough for her to take the shot at her father.

I wasn't taking that away from her. The fucker deserves more than a quick, painless death, so before Maggie takes the shot, I plan on having my own fun with the bastard first. Either way, he wouldn't have a chance of touching her again before she takes the last laugh.

She was going to take back the things that he thought she'd never gain back, and as I promised, I was going to be right behind her, waiting with an extra bullet.

I believed in her, though; I always had. Maggie was one of the strongest women I'd ever known. She could do anything she wanted, and if she felt she couldn't, then I'd handle it for her until she felt like she could.

My heart thumped into my rib cage just at the thought of her. It'd been that way for a while now, yet every single time it happened, it still spooked the shit out of me.

I was new as shit to all of this. Feelings, good, fucking amazing feelings were never granted to me before Maggie. I didn't know how to sort or express them the right way, but I'd been trying to learn from the moment I realized they were there. I hoped I was doing good at it, but considering Maggie was still here, I guessed I was.

I spared a quick glance in the mirror, before thumbing at the turn signal. My head was beginning to hurt just at the thought of everything.

"I need a drink," I grumbled to myself.

The ride continued on in silence until I caught the first gas station in sight. I hadn't even realized that it was the one Maggie liked frozen slushies from.

I rolled my eyes at it, getting out of the car. After I put my card in, I pulled at I gas pump, then put it inside of my car.

While it filled, I glanced over the building.

Those slushies did make Maggie smile a lot...

I shook the thought away, mumbling a, "No."

Fuck that. I'm not doing it.

I'm going in for a case of beer, and that's it.

I left the pump to run in its own while I headed inside. As soon as I stepped into the building, my eyes followed up to the walk-in cooler. I caught sight of the beer from here. I could taste the cool liquid on the tip of my tongue, already.

Right to the side of it, were the frozen drinks.

My eyes skipped to the strawberry watermelon slushie; it was Maggie's favorite. She had brought one home for me the other day, and fuck, I was worried I'd fall out from how hard I blushed when she did.

She always gets this big grin when she drinks it,  though, and she makes this adorable face when the sourness catches up to her. She likes to mix it with the pink lemonade, too.

The tug was too hard to ignore.

I didn't want her to be thirsty after being inside the testing center for so long. I knew it would probably make her feel a little better if she was tired, too, so—

Fine.

With a stifled groan, I walked over to the station. I grabbed the largest cup they offered, then filled it to the brim. I made sure to mix the two flavors just like I'd seen her do it, too.

"There," I grumbled, snapping the top down with an eye roll. "She got her stupid drink."

Finally, I could get my beer. I had a couple left at home, but with the way my mess of a head was running, that as well as this was going to be gone by dinner time.

I looked to the cooler, but before I did, the sweets aisle caught my attention. It was stacked with a fuck-ton of candies goods, and from here, I could depict which ones were her favorite.

I turned to the cooler, again. No fucking way. I got her the damn slushie, and that was it.

That was it.

Then again...she would probably be all over my ass if I only got this, and this alone.

"I hate you, Norris," I mumbled under my breath as I stepped back from the beer, and to the candy. "I hate you so much."

After I had it all in my arms, I walked up to the cashier, who was waiting with a smile. Her blue eyes shone at me in feigned excitement. "Will this be all?"

I nodded once, glaring down at my wallet as I yanked my card out. "Yeah."

After I paid for it all, I was probably three feet away from the car when I realized:

I never even got my beer.

I paused in my tracks, my head falling with a groan. "Oh, for fucks sake."

Rolling back my shoulders, I shoved out an aggravated sigh. Norris wasn't even here, and I was already forgetting my own shit for hers. This was how it'd been for the past couple of months, now.

I turned on my heel for my drinks, but stopped myself.

Fuck the beer. If I went back in, I'd probably end up getting something else for the brat.

Once I put the pump back into its spot, I got in the chilly car. Since we were smack in the middle of summer, I embraced it. After placing everything down inside, I tore out of the lot so quickly, I nearly hit one of the pumps.

Maggie had argued up and down to drive her own car to campus instead of having me take her there, and just waiting in the car.

She claimed that she didn't want me to be bored, but I didn't give two shits. I would have waited all day in case something happens.

I would stop by her campus just to drop this shit off, go home to drink the last of my beers, then get a nap. That was it.

By the time I got there, the parking lot was nearly empty since most of the students were only taking one test today. I found a parking spot closer to the door so that I could make it quick.

I dared myself to get out of the car. To go leave her bags, and drink on top of the car, go home then get a cool drink.

Except I didn't.

An hour had went by, and I found myself still sitting here.

While the minutes passed, I decided to do something worthy of my time.

I'd seen her do it so many times, I wasn't even sure that she was aware of it. I found it funny, and cute as shit, though.

I bought four packages of skittles so that she would have plenty. Through every package, I went through and separated the pieces by color.

I made sure to give Maggie the green and red ones. Those were her favorites.

When she did it, she would give me the other colors. I didn't even like them, but the moment she laid those eyes on me, I shut the fuck up and ate them as if I did.

I'd just finished the last bag when I caught something in the corner of my eye. My head raised at it, immediately.

Maggie was heading straight to her car, a tired expression along her face. Her hair was up in a ponytail, and all she had on was her eyeliner, a hoodie, and a pair of jeans that hugged the shape of her ass beautifully.

I gulped at the sight of her, my jaw growing slack. My limbs turned into jelly. Just one look at her sent me into a messy puddle that only seemed to melt for her.

My other head was getting the same idea. I shoved out a sigh, allowing myself a couple of seconds to calm it back down. The fucker had the worst timing when it came to her.

I waited until the last possible minute to get out. By the time I reached her, she was nearly in the car.

I strode over to her. "Norris," I called, gaining her attention.

Her head snapped up, the shock evident. Between it, I caught notice of the fear, too.

I reeled back, immediately. I knew why it was there.

How badly I wanted to coax that fear from her was troubling. I wished that it had never been gotten there in the first place. Because for as long as I was here, it would never become reality, again.

Her kohl-lined, green eyes widened at the sight of me as she cupped her chest. "Crap." She blew out a breath. "You scared the shit out of me."

I managed to press the rage at her father away enough to muster a smile. "My bad."

I gazed her over, my smile growing genuine the longer I did so.

It wasn't just a physical thing with her, not at all. But, I couldn't help myself from admiring just how beautiful she was on the outside, too.

Because, fuck, she was.

Her body was beautiful in every single way, curvy and soft. Her glossy black hair that I loved to stroke at night just to get her to sleep. Her plump, glossed lips that gave way to the most prettiest smiles. My favorite smiles.

Jesus, and those eyes. Nothing in the fucking world could account for the admiration I find every single time I see them, her.

I didn't even realize how long I'd been staring until I heard her call out my name. I blinked back into reality, and immediately tried to sink back into our conversation.

Her attention fell to my hands. "Is that for me, or were you just trying to show off your own things?"

I blinked at her, again, just mesmerized by the way she even breathed. It took her stepping closer to make me realize the original mission.

"Shit," I murmured, my eyes falling to her gifts. "Yeah, they're for you." I shoved them into her hands, my own trembling and shaking. I shoved them into my pocket to hide them, nodding at her. "Don't worry. I poisoned them real good for you."

A light grin danced across her lips before it started to grow.

Fuck. I was pretty sure my legs were about to give out on me at the sight.

"Thank you," she said, completely oblivious to my reaction to her. She swept through her bag, then looked to me with a laugh. "You gave me all of the red and green ones."

I shrugged. "I knew you hated them."

A chuckle slipped from her as she nodded. "Thank you. I really appreciate this."

My head bobbed on its own. I motioned toward the testing center. "How'd you do?"

Her eyes lit up as she shrugged. "A's on all four."

Pride blossomed in my chest, a grin following. "Did you?" I wasn't shocked, not in the slightest.

"I did. I was scared shitless, though," she added. "I just wanted to get them out of the way for spring break."

I wasn't sure why she'd been so nervous. She was the most intelligent girl I'd ever met in my life. I knew she was going to do just fine.

I pulled my arms over my chest, reeling my grin back in. "I knew that small brain of yours had something useful in it, Norris."

Maggie rolled her eyes, taking a sip from her drink. Her pretty lips wrapped around the straw so effortlessly, as if they, as if she weren't driving me fucking crazy.

I can't do this.

I needed to get the fuck out of here.

I took a step back, clearing my throat. "Let's get going. I'll be right behind you."

I jerked around so quickly, my vision blurred. I didn't even wait for a response before I was running away. Again.

I could feel her staring at me, even through the tinted windows. I kept my head down anyway, my fingers tight around the wheel as I waited for her to get in the car.

I couldn't understand why I couldn't just get this shit off of my back. I'd never in my life had to chase anyone, because I never found anyone worthy to chase after. It was a complete strangely feeling to me.

Except now.

I followed behind her car until we got to my house. Once we were at the gates, she typed in the code so quickly, it made me crack a smile. It made me hope that she was just as comfortable with me as I was with her.

All ideas of sleep were gone the moment we walked into the house. As always, I found myself following after her like a lost puppy, but I couldn't stop. I didn't want to miss a moment, not even a second, of what she had to say.

I was listening to her talk about one of the exam questions, cursing it, as well as the professor. While she did, she swept through her brother's recipe book for a dinner idea.

She had put her hair down the moment we got here. It grazed her shoulders, beautifully framing the outline of her pretty face. Just seeing it lifted my mood.

I leaned against the counter, my eyes stuck on her. She was on the other side of the kitchen island, elbows perched on the surface, and head hanging on her fists.

Even her doing that simple notion was fucking with me beyond measure. I was watching her as if she were the best sight in the world.

Because she was.

I nearly jumped out of my skin as she jerked around, a know-it-all expression on her face. She had caught me looking.

Her brow rose at me as she attempted to hide her smile. I blew out a breath as she shoved a couple of strands behind her ear. "Quit staring at my ass, dingus."

I actually wasn't. I wasn't looking at anything in particular along her body, just her in general. That was perfect enough to me.

I couldn't say that shit, though. I didn't know how she'd react, or if she'd even do so at all. I was too nervous to find out, so I settled on my usual tone.

Keeping up my image, I flicked my head at her. "Get over yourself, Norris. I was looking at..." my eyes jerked over to the first thing possible before finding her, again. "The wall."

The wall? Who the fuck says they're looking at the wall?

I'd never wanted to disappear as bad as I did right now.

An eye roll followed as she chuckled around the straw of her drink. "Whatever you say, pretty boy."

I nearly plastered my ass to the counter as she rounded the island to get to me. As soon as she was in front of me, she smacked me in the chest with the recipe book.

She smiled. "Pick something," she suggested, walking past me. "I'm going to go get a shower before dinner. Just get started on the basics."

I nodded, but my lips wouldn't allow a response. I didn't get nervous, but with this girl, Jesus. She had me stammering over the simplest terms the moment she looked at me.

She passed by me to get to the hallway. Her sweet, fruity scent wavered over me so quickly, I found myself having to pry my feet still in order to avoid trailing after her.

A second later, I heard her add around a chuckle, "And, please don't burn the house down, Luke!"

I blew out a tensed breath of relief. At least I'd have a few minutes to recover what little I could of myself.

The cooking provided a little bit of distraction. I didn't even flip through the recipes too much; the first one I landed on was what we would be having tonight.

Jax was heaven-sent, that was for sure. I didn't know shit about cooking, but by the way he described it for Maggie, it was simple. All we had to do was follow the instructions. It had worked out well for the other dinners, so this would, too.

Even though the food would be good on its own, the thought of another dinner with Maggie made me all giddy and shit. Ever since our first, it was now my favorite time of the day, other than when it was time for bed.

It was just us, and our conversations, and her smiles and laughter and—

No.

I shoved the chunks of potatoes to the side, glaring down at the counter. "Quit it," I murmured to myself. "Shut the fuck up, and quit thinking about her, Luke."

I repeated the chant until I forced myself to listen. There were a million other things that I should be thinking about that doesn't involve Maggie.

Shit. I thought about her, again.

I threw the potatoes into the boiler, murmuring a curse at myself. This was torture. This was soft as hell. This was what Maggie had managed to do to me.

I glanced up from the counter at the same time that Fang came barreling into me. The fucker almost took out my knees before I moved out of the way. He was having the zoomies now that he knew we were here.

Thank fuck. He could be my distraction for a minute.

Maggie loved him just as much he did her. The two had started to give me side-eyes together, and he never missed the chance to push me away from her when I was talking to her for too long. Little spoiled bastard.

I looked around for his leash, but came up short. It had to be in Maggie's room, then. She loved to take him out on walks with me.

I paused right at her door, my heart stuttering so badly, I had to catch myself. It was already half-way open, so all I had to do was push.

She claimed that she was fine with me just walking into her room, since she always did the same to me, but I knocked, anyway, just in case. I didn't receive a response.

My stomach tingled with nerves the longer I remained still. I shuffled in my spot, staring back at the door.

At my hesitation, Fang bumped into the back of my knees with a huff.

I rolled my eyes, jerking a glare down at him. "Fine, fine." At least one of us wasn't too chicken-shit to talk to her.

When I pushed it open, I nearly lost the contents of my stomach out of nerves. Fang went running right in without an ounce of fear.

Lucky son of a bitch.

The shower was still running, so I decided not to bother her and find the leash myself.

My eyes jerked over her room in search of it. When I glanced over her bed, there was a shirt, shorts, a sports bra, as well as a pair of panties atop it.

I moved away, immediately, my cheeks flushing with heat.

I was blushing.

Why the fuck was I blushing at a sports bra and underwear?

Finally, I found the black leash hanging from her nightstand. Her phone was on top, right next to the empty slushie container.

I stepped closer, lifting the phone to grab it. As soon as I did, Fang bumped into me, again, basically yelling at me to hurry the fuck up.

I chuckled at him, dropping my hand to scratch his ears. "Give me a second."

Just as I went to place the phone back down, it vibrated in my hand. On instinct, my eyes jumped to it. I tried to put it back, but I couldn't help myself when I saw it.

The first thing I caught sight of was an unknown number. That wasn't what really got me, though. It was what it said.

Don't worry, sugar. I'll see you soon.

The leash fell from my hand at it. Either one jumped to the phone, nearly crushing it from my grip.

What the fuck?

I clicked on the message without a second thought, then. She might be upset about me going through her phone, but I didn't give a damn right now. Privacy wasn't shit when it came to keeping her safe.

My eyes scanned over the writing on the screen, carefully. There were two messages, but when I checked her previous call log, I saw that they had called her.

The messages alone had my blood chilling. But, when I caught sight of the dates that they were sent, the anger overpowered it by a millstone. It didn't take much to realize.

She hid them from me.

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I decided to post these next two early today & the surprise one on Saturday because I feel bad making you guys wait lol!

I hope you guys enjoyed it!! I love my soft boy!🤍🤍