Interview with the Vampire

A/N: The following is an interview with the lead character from Prettiest Vampire. The questions were suggested by my good friend @AndreaPorcelainDoll, and are in fact the questions she regularly uses to interview characters and authors in her Wattpad novel, “Interview Me, Baby”.

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AndreaPorcelainDoll: Good evening. Or perhaps I should say Gooood Eeeevening, as my guest tonight is Lilian Van Schattigdame, star of Prettiest Vampire, the latest novel by Lori Ellis. Welcome, Lilian. Maybe you could start off by just telling us a bit about yourself. Lilian is an unusual name for a guy, is it not?

Lilian: Thank you, Andrea. As you’ve said, my name is Lilian, which is unusual for a guy. I looked it up on the internet, and only 0.01% of people named Lilian are guys, so that means…

Daciana: Lilian, our beautiful Lilian! Whatever are you doing? And who is this charming young lady?

Lilian: Daciana! And Ilinca. I thought you would be out all night. Um, this is AndreaPorcelainDoll, from Wattpad. She wants to interview me.

Ilinca: Ooooh, wonderful! We can tell you so much about our beautiful Lilian. Isn’t she lovely?

Lilian: Daciana and Ilinca are the two sirens who kidnap, torment, and generally terrorize me throughout the book. And they are under the unfortunate impression that I am a girl.

Daciana: Don’t be ridiculous, Lilian. We know exactly what you are. And when have we been anything less than kind and generous toward you?

Lilian: (grimaces and makes silent pleading gestures toward AndreaPorcelainDoll)

AndreaPorcelainDoll: Maybe I could just ask my next question…

Count Dodrescu: DAUGHTERS OF THE NIGHT! What is going on here?!

AndreaPorcelainDoll: Could you please just be quiet and sit down!

Dodrescu: (sits) Did she just tell me to be quiet?

AndreaPorcelainDoll: So Lilian, would you consider yourself to be good, or bad?

Lilian: Good or bad at what (laughs)? My boss, Mr. Dilworth would tell you that I’m bad. Possibly the worst salesman he ever had.

Ilinca: He is wrong! Our Lilian is darling.

Lilian: Fortunately Mr. Dilworth seems to be one character who hasn’t shown up tonight. In general, I try to do my best. Certainly compared to all the demons in the story who murder, kidnap and terrorize without the least hint of compassion, I am very good.

Dodrescu: I myself am a very good character.

Daciana: How can you possibly even say that? You throw others about like twigs in a storm! You burst into flames at the least provocation!

Dodrescu: I’m complicated. You need to examine my motivation.

AndreaPorcelainDoll: Lilian! What is your favourite color?

Lilian: Oh, um, I’d have to say…

Ilinca: White! She is so adorable in a flowing white gown. With a touch of pink!

Dodrescu: I like green. (Everyone stares) What? I like it. That’s all!

AndreaPorcelainDoll: Lilian, I’d very much like to know about your bedtime rituals (winks!). Tell me what you do just before you go to bed at night.

Lilian: There’s not much I can do. I’ve tried everything. Locking the doors and windows means nothing to them. I’ll still wake up with the doors open and Dodrescu standing on my balcony, or Daciana and Ilinca sitting on the bed right beside me!

AndreaPorcelainDoll: Have you tried garlic?

Daciana: Such a quaint, old-fashioned girl you are.

AndreaPorcelainDoll: So tell me, Lilian. Truthfully… What do you think about (whispers) the author?

Lilian: Oh, well, she and I…

Daciana: We don’t like her.

AndreaPorcelainDoll: No?

Dodrescu: (whispers to Ilinca) Who are they talking about?

Ilinca: They are talking about Lori.

Dodrescu: Who?

Ilinca: Lori! The author! LivingDeadGirlxox?

Dodrescu: Oh, her. (To AndreaPorcelainDoll) She is very small, and hardly worth mentioning.

AndreaPorcelainDoll: Really?

Dodrescu: I don’t mean to be rude. She is of course a lovely girl, very pretty. But is she a timeless beauty, that I might offer her immortality? No, she is not. She is, after all, a mere child.

Lilian: Only compared to a 500 year old vampire would anyone say she is a child! She is an adult, you know.

Dodrescu: Then she should act like one.

Lilian: (to Daciana) And how can you say we don’t like her?

Daciana: It would be nice if she dressed up once in a while. Put on a little makeup. All she ever wears is blue jeans.

Ilinca: She has some nice blouses. And sometimes she wears a blue skirt.

Daciana: (sniffs) Of course, you refer to the ‘interview’ skirt.

Lilian: I guess she’s always been there for me. I mean, she puts me into some pretty horrible situations, but I always feel as if she’s got a plan for me.

AndreaPorcelainDoll: If you could be any other character in the story, who would you be?

Ilinca, Daciana, Dodrescu: (together) Me!

Lilian: (with all three staring, waiting for his answer) Um, much of the story revolves around various demons and vampires trying to turn me into someone or something I’m not. So I think I would have to say, (cowering) whoever they want me to be at any given moment?

Ilinca: Thank you Lilian, that is so sweet!

AndreaPorcelainDoll: Lilian, would you rather kiss a dead frog or inject goat placenta in yo’ face?

Dodrescu: What did she just say?

Daciana: I don’t think you want to know. I don’t think I want to know.

Ilinca: Oh, oh! Lilian, pick the dead frog! It is as I always say; you have to kiss a lot of dead frogs before you find a dead prince.

Lilian: (looks aghast at Ilinca, then turns to AndreaPorcelainDoll and nods) Dead frog, please.

AndreaPorcelainDoll: And which do you prefer, whipped cream or chocolate syrup? You know what I mean (winks)! “baum chicka wau wau”

Dodrescu, Daciana, Ilinca: (say nothing, just stare, shake heads, shrug shoulders toward each other)

Lilian: Whipped cream, I guess?

AndreaPorcelainDoll: Okay thanks guys. Way to leave me hanging. So next question; hablas Espanol?

Dodrescu: Only enough to get my face slapped (laughs and slaps knee)! (Dismissive eye-rolls from Daciana and Ilinca)

Lilian: Um, no, sorry. There’s some German spoken in the story, and a little Latin, and I think the sequel might even have some Romanian, but I don’t think Lori actually speaks any of those languages. I’m pretty sure she just Googles it all.

AndreaPorcelainDoll: So Lilian, tell me, what is the wildest, craziest thing you’ve ever had to do?

Lilian: I would have to say, scaling the outside of a castle built above a thousand foot precipice, wearing a wedding dress and high heels.

AndreaPorcelainDoll: Wow, okay. That’s a little wilder and crazier than I was expecting, actually.

Dodrescu: Shouldn’t someone have said spoiler alert??

AndreaPorcelainDoll: We’re getting close to the end (under her breath) *thank god*. Only a couple questions left. So, cat or dog?

Ilinca: Oh, cat please. May I have the drumstick?

AndreaPorcelainDoll: And… ‘nuff said! So how do you like your fans?

Dodrescu: With a side order of fries to go, please.

AndreaPorcelainDoll: And my last question: Lilian, are you in love?

Dodrescu, Ilinca, Daciana: (watch Lilian with great anticipation, each hoping he will look at them while jumping up and down on the couch)

Lilian: (looking at the three demons looking at him) Um, yes. Yes, I am in love, up to my neck!