Realise

Verb: 1 - become fully aware of as a fact; understand clearly. 2 cause (something desired or anticipated) to happen; fulfil

No... There's a lot more to it than that.

I received a phone call on the Sunday after prom dress shopping from Lucy. Unfortunately, she called at eight in the morning. If there's one thing I don't do on weekend mornings, it's weekend mornings.

"Hullo?"

"Hey Amy." How the hell could she be so happy and chirpy at eight in the morning? I could just imagine her talking to the phone with a huge grin plastered across her face.

I groaned and rolled over, rubbing my eyes. "Lu, it's eight in the morning. Call me back at a respectable time of the morning. Some time after lunch might be ok."

"No, Amy, can I ask a favour? Urgent matters!"

I sat up in bed, wide awake now. "Why, what's wrong?"

"Billy threw himself down the stairs..."

"He did what?!"

"I wouldn't worry too much. He went down wearing all kinds of stupid protection."

"So then why the concern?"

"Well when he got to the bottom he quickly took off all the helmet and the shin pads and cushions and lay at the bottom screaming. I'd just arrived on the top of the stairs and he's accusing me of pushing him down the stairs. So he's off to hospital and my parents are furious with me, so I need to get out of the house for a while to make them feel bad so..."

"Let me guess." I muttered flopping back against my pillow. "You want to scrounge round here for the day."

"If that's ok..."

I sighed. I'd hoped to get some homework done today, but I'd probably have a lot more fun if I had Lucy round instead.

"That's fine." I said finally. "Just do me a favour, don't knock or ring the doorbell. I'll be waiting in the living room, knock on the window."

"Thank you Amy!" she said happily. "See you in ten minutes."

"See you..." I muttered, hanging up and closing my eyes, bracing myself for getting up, the most hellish part of the day. I pushed back the bedcovers and scrambled out of bed, sticking my feet into my slippers and wrapping a dressing gown around myself. Usually, I loved Sundays. It gave me an excuse to just lounge around the house. The last few Sundays I had slept in late before emerging from my room at lunchtime to watch music television on demand with Jenny and Xandrell, telling him who each celebrity was and the meaning of the songs and why they were famous. The most common reason I had discovered as the weeks went on for fame was having a tiny waist and an enormous bust. Sundays were almost the highlight of the week these days. Once upon a happier time before Xandrell had arrived, Jenny had been my best friend around the house, and we'd spend whole Sundays prancing around the front room holding in our stomachs, thrusting our chests out and singing in that stupid way where it's not really singing, more talking in a really stupid British accent. I missed the old days with my baby sister sometimes, but since Xandrell had come along, my sister had really seemed to turn into her true thirteen year old self, and seemed to just turn on me and bite my head off whenever I tried to talk to her, I wondered vaguely if my little sister was jealous of me because of Xandrell, but hey what did I know?

I unlocked my bedroom door and eased it open, just waiting for him to fling the door open and shout a cheery hello.

"Amy?"

I had not been expecting a whispered greeting. I opened the door and found myself face to face with him. "What's wrong?" I asked, immediately concerned. "You didn't greet me in a totally inappropriate hugging way."

"It's inappropriate now is it?" he hissed. "Anyway, your mum had a bad night, so I'm taking care of you and Jenny this morning."

Oh wonderful. My sister and I are being taken care of by an alien who can barely look after himself.

"Well good luck with that." I muttered pushing past him. "I'm going to put the kettle on, want a cuppa?"

"A 'cuppa' of what?" he asked in his usual confused voice that came when I used a phrase unknown to him.

"Tea." I muttered walking down the stairs and hurrying through into the kitchen and putting the kettle on boil.

He soon followed me down, still frowning. "Uh, ok sure... if you think I'll like it..."

"Well I don't know." I said. "I guess you could call it an acquired taste. Some of my friends hate it, but I'm not sure I could live without it."

"Then I'm sure I'll like it." he said happily.

I rolled my eyes before pouring boiling water into two mugs with teabags in... When was he going to learn he didn't have to like everything I did?

"So, what are we doing today, my treasure?" he asked cheerfully. Oh God, today's forecast, annoying, with a chance of showers of affection. "I was hoping we could watch some television as usual and maybe if we get bored, do something together. I asked your mother to get in the ingredients needed for cakes."

"Lucy's coming over." I told him in a slightly harsher voice than I'd intended, handing him his mug of tea. "So for the love of God don't do anything embarrassing today."

"Oh..." he said, slightly sadly, and I felt a grim sort of satisfaction watching him almost deflating. "You... you find me... embarrassing?"

"Who doesn't?" I muttered darkly making my way into the front room and flopping down on the sofa before picking up the remote and flicking on the television.

"I didn't know that was how you really felt towards me." he said sitting carefully beside me, not taking his eyes off me.

I sighed. "I don't always." I said at last. "When you throw your arms around me every second of every day and people stare, yes that's embarrassing. When we're alone... you're not so bad... I just wish sometimes, you could act with me around my friends the way you act when it's just me."

He frowned. "If I were to do that, I'm afraid that I might lose you to someone... I can't lose you..."

I looked up at him. "Don't talk about it as if I'm dying for God's sake." I muttered darkly. "You need to realise that you can't have complete control over me and my life."

"And you need to realise that I need you with me." he whispered leaning towards me. I instinctively leaned away. "I'll never feel this way again, and I'm not just saying that, you know I'm not, my love."

His hands were right there beside my hips. I felt my heart thudding faster and faster, I could feel a part of me glowing, looking into his dark eyes, his longish dark hair hanging just over his eyes. I tried to comprehend these new amazing feelings sizzling in my veins as if I was being shot through with an electric current, and for all of a moment, I wanted to double check I wasn't sitting on a live wire... but then I considered, if it were an electric current making me feel like this, I was sure I would have been spasming, and I most definitely would not have a fierce desire burning all through me to simply throw my arms around Xandrell and kiss him.

If this isn't love, what do you call it?

Shut up mind.

No I will not shut up, because you know it's true don't you!

The only reason I feel like this is because I've not had anyone care for me like he does in four years.

Yeah, yeah, you keep telling yourself that love, but don't forget I know your innermost thoughts!

Of course you do, you're my mind.

Thus proves my point!

There was a sudden knocking on the window and Xandrell and I both looked up simultaneously. Lucy waved through the window grinning at us...

... oh crap...

I pushed Xandrell away and leapt up to answer the door. After fumbling with the lock for about thirty seconds I opened the door and Lucy darted in, as well as a gust of early morning breeze.

"Hey." said Lucy shivering out of her coat and hanging it on the rack by the front door. "You alright?"

"Fine." I shrugged locking the door again. "How's things with you aside from Billy throwing himself down the stairs?"

Lucy sniggered, but didn't answer, simply sitting down carefully and turning her eyes to the television. "What are we watching then?" she asked quietly.

"Uh..." I glanced at the screen before remembering what I'd put on. "Melvin Michaels."

"Oh, yeah." said Lucy quickly. "Didn't recognise him for a minute, what's wrong with me. He's good isn't he?"

"Favourite comedian." I grinned as Melvin began skipping around the stage singing a hymn in a strange voice, encouraging the audience to sing along. Lucy and I giggled as the camera man zoomed in on a seriously concerned looking emo guy sat in the front row.

"This is what passes as entertainment on Earth?" Xandrell whispered in my ear, so Lucy wouldn't hear.

I glared at him. "No-one's forcing you to watch it Xandrell."

He sighed and sat back folding his arms and an hour later when Melvin danced offstage, both mine and Lucy's sides were aching from laughing, while Xandrell simply sat looking furious.

"Well that was enjoyable." said Xandrell in a monotone.

"Like I said, Xandrell, no-one forced you to watch it." I said sternly, before picking up the remote and turning off the television. "What do you want to do now Lu?" I asked, turning to her.

She immediately blushed and muttered something quickly about 'you decide.'

"Well, I tell you what." I said getting to my feet. "We've got stuff in to make cakes if you want to do something like that."

Lucy looked up curious. "Can we make cookies instead?" she asked.

I grinned. "Ok, blow it, we'll make cookies. Not sure we have any chocolate chips though." I checked my watch. It was half past nine. "Shops should be open now."

"I'll go!" chirruped Xandrell immediately jumping up and hurrying over to the mantel piece, taking out a few pound coins. He'd followed and seen me go to the shops often enough to know what to do. "I'll be back in a bit. Do you want to get a head start?"

"Sure." I shrugged as he smiled again and hurried out of the front door.

"He's very endearing isn't he." smiled Lucy, watching him go. "I mean, it's like some kind of little puppy or a kitten. When he's bad you can't stay mad at him."

"Well, I'm not much of an animal person." I grunted in response walking through to the kitchen, Lucy following me.

"Oh, shush." she laughed. "I've seen the way you go when there's a baby anything around. Baby human, baby dog, baby clothes, baby carrots, you start cooing all over them and saying how cute they are."

"I do not!" I snapped. "I marvel at how anything can be so small, yes, but I don't go all stupid and soppy."

"You so do." giggled Lucy. "Remember when we went bowling that time, and you and Tasha forgot your socks, and you went to buy a cheap pair, and you got distracted by the little pink baby dresses and the little blue dungarees for boys? And do you remember what you said as we dragged you out of the shop?"

"I don't remember, and neither do you!" I snapped getting the ingredients Xandrell had gotten for cakes out of the cupboard checking them off of my recipe list Xandrell had left me. "Flour, caster and brown sugar, vanilla essence, marmite, butter... wait a second, marmite? What kind of recipe is this?"

"You said you wanted a baby!" said Lucy triumphantly. "You said it, Amy, don't deny it."

I raised my eyes to the ceiling as I put the marmite back. "Yes, maybe I said that once but..."

"Is that the real reason you're with Xandrell?" asked Lucy eagerly. "Are you hoping that-"

"No I'm not!" I snapped. "I'm just gonna stop you there before you say something that could earn you a black eye, Lu."

Lucy sighed heavily. "Ok, fine it's just... well I saw you two through the window, he was practically lying on you."

"Well then you're a sneak Lu." I giggled, poking her with the wooden spoon as I got it out of the drawer. "Look, don't bring Xandrell up, or I might just start talking to you about Lewis." Lucy immediately blushed. "Are Helen and Sadie still taking the mick out of you?" I asked in a much more sympathetic voice.

"It's just so infuriating!" cried Lucy throwing her hands into the air exasperatedly while I put a bowl on the counter top and opened the bag of flour. Lucy picked up the bag and began to pour it into the bowl. "I mean some of the things Sadie's been saying. She, Helen and Ceci keep making like little air hearts around us with their fingers, which is really annoying in itself, but then there's the rest of it. Apparently we'd make the perfect couple, and apparently on the band trip after prom, me and him are going to have a romantic time on a gondola..."

"Lu, isn't that a bit much flour?"

"But then he's apparently my personal tennis tutor..." Lucy continued as if I'd said nothing. "And because we play the same instrument, we have instrumental links, which I'm sure is meant to be some kind of innuendo. And then you know that clarinet trio me, Lewis and James are doing, well according to Sadie, it's just a duet..."

"That doesn't even make sense!" I muttered cutting up lumps of butter. "Where's James then?"

"I don't know; this is just Sadie being stupid." shrugged Lucy as she emptied the bag of flour. She frowned. "You didn't have much of that did you?" she muttered, neglecting to actually look at the almost overflowing bowl of flour in front of her.

Xandrell soon arrived home with the chocolate chips. We quickly finished the cookie mixture and put them in the oven. Xandrell set the timer and we went back into the front room, and for a laugh put on Sunday morning cartoons. We quickly lost track of time, having too much fun pointing out the continuity errors on the crudely drawn animations. Some time later I suddenly asked, whether we should check on the cookies.

When we opened the door to the kitchen, all three of us began choking as the black smoke billowed out of the room. Coughing, Xandrell and I darted around opening the windows and such while Lucy checked the timer.

"Xandrell, you set this thing for two and a half hours!" she yelped.

"Well it said in the book to set it for a hundred and fifty minutes!" he cried. "Don't blame me if the book printed it wrong!"

It wouldn't surprise me if it had. This was the same book that has suggested putting marmite in the cookies. I picked up the book and read it quickly. "... Xandrell..." I said slowly. "There's a smudge of chocolate there. The cookies were only meant to be in the oven for fifteen minutes."

Xandrell blushed and looked at his feet. "Sorry."

"Doesn't matter." I said putting on oven gloves opening the oven door. I pulled out the tray of unusually large ominously quivering cookies. "Uh... well they look..."

But before I could say what the cookies looked like, they promptly exploded. Burnt cookie mixture and crumbs spattered the room. All over the walls, all over the windows, all over the oven, and the floor, and all over Lucy, Xandrell and me.

And then, typically, the smoke alarm went off. I glared up at the screaming machine on the ceiling. "Thanks for the warning." I muttered.

Shockingly, my mother didn't take the fact that her kitchen was completely covered in cookie gunk too badly. In fact she simply laughed and told us in a cheery voice that we'd need to clean it up or we'd have to get a take-away for dinner. Of course, after pointing out that we usually got takeaways anyway on Sunday, she shut up and let us get on with it. By the time the kitchen was clean, which had taken most of the day and had involved, picking up the horrible gritty bits off the floor, flicking dough balls at each other and Xandrell pointing out that I had a bit of cookie dough on me before wiping it off with his finger and licking it before chuckling and saying 'you taste good', which of course got some giggles from Lucy, it was dinner time. After eating the Chinese food Mum brought home, Lucy began getting urgent texts from her mother asking where she was. Lucy didn't text back, still trying to make her mother feel bad, but typically Mum phoned her mother to stop her worrying, and within five minutes, her mother was on the doorstep ready to whisk Lucy away. Before her mother dragged her away, Lucy gave me a quick hug, and to my utter amazement, hugged Xandrell too. Believe me, if Lucy hugs someone, you have to believe she likes them. She's very reserved.

"Thanks for today guys." she said with a grin as she ran out after her mother to her car. "Sorry again for suggesting making cookies."

"No problem." I said returning the grin. "It was a laugh."

Lucy grinned and waved until her mother drove up the road and turned around the corner. Then we closed out the cold night.

"Today was fun." said Xandrell quietly sitting down on the sofa and motioning for me to sit beside him. "Wasn't it?"

"Yeah." I said just as quietly sitting down on the sofa.

"Truth be told, when you said Miss Lucy was coming round, I thought I would have to hold you off her, after all that she's done." he said frowning down at me.

I glared at him. "You really think I'm like that? That I'd go round beating up my friends?"

"She's still going to Prom with Master James." Xandrell reminded me. "Remember what that made you feel?"

I glared at him before getting to my feet and stomping towards the stairs. "You don't have to remind me about that!" I cried. "I'd conveniently forgotten about that until five seconds ago!"

He bit his lip and got up to follow me. "Amy, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought that back up! I'm sorry."

"Shut up!" I snapped running up the stairs.

I didn't want stupid 'sorry this and that's' I just wanted him to not say these things in the first place. He'd known something like that would make me get tearful again. I ran into my bedroom and slammed the door, before pressing my back against the wood and sliding down onto the floor, trying to stop myself from crying. I heard him start knocking on the door, apologising again and again.

"Amy... there's a very sorry idiot outside your door." he called softly. "He's collecting donations of forgiveness. Come on, please give to the needy!"

I got up and opened the door, to look at his stupid sorry face. "Don't give me any crap!" I shouted, and I heard my mother bang on the kitchen ceiling below me with a broom, yelling something about foul language. "I don't want to hear it!"

I tried to slam the door on him, but he put his foot in the door. He yelped as the door hit it. I gritted my teeth and slammed the door on his foot again so he cried out again. I didn't really care to be honest, I was so mad at him, it felt like everything I hadn't been letting out in the past was coming out now, and believe me, there was a lot of anger with him I hadn't let out.

"Move your freaking foot you idiot!" I bellowed, opening the door wide to slam it on his foot as hard as I could.

He quickly darted inside just as I slammed the door. I turned to glare at him as he stood where he was staring at me. "I think you broke my foot, you stupid human female!"

"GET OUT OF MY ROOM ASSHOLE!" I screamed at him.

He folded his arms again, 'Amy Wren' style. "Make me."

I glowered at him before moving across the room to the door and trying to leave. He ran forwards and grabbed my hand to stop me. I tried to pull away, every so often lashing out at him, trying to make him let me go, until I felt tears dribbling down my face and I let myself just fall into his arms, crying. He sighed and picked me up carefully, and carrying me across the room to put me down on the bed, still holding me carefully.

"Look." he said gently wiping at the tear tracks on my face with his thumb. "I shouldn't have said it, it was stupid, and, truth be told, maybe I just wanted to remind you how Master James hurt you."

I looked at him incredulously. "Why the hell would you want to do that?"

"I don't know... just..." he hesitated for a moment before looking up at me. "...whenever I see you with him, it makes me feel all unhappy and bitter and like there's something inside me that wants to bite his head off."

"Somebody's jealous." I said quietly. "Why though? He's just my best friend, we're not in love."

"Yeah... for now..."

I sighed and shook my head. "Xandrell, I wish I could make you understand. I'm not going about looking for someone in that sense."

"And that's ok." he said quietly and I felt his hand touch my cheek before gently pulling it up so I was looking up at him. "Amy, I'm not the one so steeped in self assurance of my beliefs that I can give no way to change and new things."

"That's not what I'm like."

"I know that... it just seems it at times." His thumb was caressing my cheek very gently, the way he had in the hospital that relaxed me. "All I want to say is that it is ok. You are worth every second that I wait for you. When are you going to wake up and realise that you are more special than you think?"

His face was creeping closer and closer to mine. I felt my heart pounding in my chest as he gently pressed his lips against mine. I could feel my temperature rising, but not in a bad way, like I was angry, or about to throw up. This was not like any time he had tried to kiss me before. This time, it was innocent, shy, almost like a first kiss... and there was something else... there was nothing in me that wanted this to stop... there was nothing saying that this was wrong...

Finally he pulled away from me to sigh. "I just wish that you felt the same way about me as I do about..."

But he never completed his sentence, because of me reaching up and pulling his face back to mine...

I wondered vaguely if the warm feeling now rising in my chest was happiness or nausea. All those times, I'd been telling myself that he wasn't the one, that he was too immature and annoying for me to fall in love with...

I was a liar! Not just to him, and to my friends, but to myself. How hadn't I seen this?

Because I knew the truth now. Being here in his arms, looking into his eyes. This was not wrong. This was right. Right now, I wanted nothing more than to feel his lips moving in rhythm with mine. I only wanted his lips, his arms around me, his body pressed against me. I only wanted him.

"I'm an idiot." I whispered as I pulled away from him for breath before pressing my lips against his again. "I really am."

He very gently pulled me away from him to frown down at me. "Why are you an idiot?" he asked curiously.

"Only an idiot can fool themselves as long as I have been." I moaned. "Only an idiot can tell themselves over and over that there's nothing there when there so obviously is!" I wrapped my arms around his neck, bringing his face back to mine and pressing my lips to his again, and this time, he kissed me back, lovingly caressing my lips with his.