"Why would I want something that can chop garlic and make smoothies?"

Brendon laughed and continued to gently twist Ryan's ear. "I have no idea."

"I think what they want to say is 'hey guys, this little thing has a billion spinning blades of doom and therefore it can do just about anything you want it to do, but we're gonna stick with spices and smoothies.'... Really, now, do people really have so much money to spend that they have to by these?"

Brendon cleared his throat to speak more clearly. "I think I'm gonna buy you one."

"You will do no such thing."

"I'll buy you one and we'll make smoothies... garlic smoothies..."

Ryan lifted his head off of Brendon's lap for the first time in a couple hours and he propped himself up at an angle with his hand on Brendon's thigh. "I think you need sleep." He proceeded to start so sit up, but he stopped halfway, slinging his arm around Brendon and forcing it down between Brendon's back and the couch. "It's after three, you know... I don't know how you haven't passed out from making too many bad jokes about infomercials."

"Hey, I resent that! I just went along with what you said!"

Ryan smiled and slid his fingers under one of Brendon's hands. "You're funny."

"You just said my jokes are bad."

"You're still funny." Ryan lifted his feet up to the coffee table and he turned to face forward. He pulled his arm out from behind Brendon and he slid it underneath Brendon's left arm to grab his hand. "I can't believe we've been sitting here all night."

"Yeah, but I liked... well, yeah, me either."

"I liked it too."

Brendon laughed quietly, relieved, and he started to move his thumb along the side of Ryan's finger. "Can I uh... can I say something?"

"Sure."

"What you said tonight was beautiful."

"Oh, yeah... don't... say anything, then. Sorry."

"I'm sorry." Brendon looked away and shoved his thumb hard into the side of his leg.

"No, don't be, I'm just not thinking about it right now. I'm thinking about this." Ryan applied pressure to Brendon's hand and he adjusted his feet on the table.

"I'm thinking about this, too. I'm sorry."

"But thank you."

"You're welcome."

"You mean it?"

"Yeah."

"I was scared, though."

"I bet."

Ryan inhaled through his mouth while shaking his head and forcing some hair out of his face. "So how have you been?"

"I'm okay."

"Just okay?"

"Well, I don't..."

"Nah, I'm just trying to distract myself. Not fair to you, though."

"No, it's fine... do you want me to talk?"

Ryan closed his mouth so his lips were touching each other and he nodded, letting those few strands of hair fall back into his face.

"Well, you know, I sent my mom that email, so I'm kinda worried about that."

"You just wanna head over there after school, uh... today?"

"I guess I need to."

"I can stay with you, though... she said I can stay, right?"

"Of course, you'll stay with me. You can probably stay all week, from how she sounded. She likes you for some reason."

"For some reason?"

"Okay so that came out terrible." Brendon smiled and nervously wiped his mouth.

"Don't worry about it. I'm just making you feel awkward so I can laugh at something."

Brendon didn't have time to pretend to be offended before Ryan was already smiling at his surprise, and all Brendon could do was join him. "Did you fall asleep at all tonight?"

Ryan shook his head. "No... you? We didn't say anything for a while there."

"Nah. I thought you fell asleep and woke up when I laughed at that one chick on that thing... the one about the mop set that doubles as a jet engine or whatever."

Ryan grinned. "I was awake the whole time."

"You were quiet."

"So were you."

"I guess."

"Spencer's stayed up and watched infomercials with me all night before."

"Yeah."

"It's been a while, though. But sometimes I couldn't sleep and nothing else is on after two."

"Did you guys ever talk when you did that?"

"Sometimes. Not really, we just sat there."

"Did it help you?"

"All the time."

"I'm glad it did."

"Me too."

"I'm glad you're still here, Ryan."

Ryan brushed some hair out of his face and looked at Brendon's eyes. "Where'd that come from?"

Brendon made a small movement to lay a finger on his chest in a shy answer to Ryan's question. "I'm just... glad you're here, that's all. I don't like thinking about how I could have lost you before I even had you... I just know how hard it is to hold on sometimes..."

"I'm sorry you have to know that, though."

"I still just want to make this all better for you."

"You are, I'm sorry if I just seem gone... do you remember what I had you read when we got home tonight?"

"Yeah."

"I just need to stop trying for a while... stop acting for a while, I mean. I just want to spend this week in bed and have you with me so I can just not worry about anything... everything's so fucking confusing, you know?"

"Yeah."

"I don't even know what I want anymore. I don't know what I am or what I'm doing—"

"I just want to help you."

"Bren, you are."

There was a good reason why Ryan enjoyed their seven hours in front of the television that night. They sat most of the time, occasionally eating random things from the kitchen, but Ryan's head always returned home to Brendon's lap and their hands always found their way back to each other. Silence came after a while and both of them were just glad to be where they were; somehow aware that things could be worse, and glad that they weren't going to have to know what that could feel like.

Ryan looked into Brendon's eyes to try to convince him that he was helping, but this required Ryan to think about how he felt. He knew it would be worse without his friend, but he couldn't stand the thought of anything feeling worse than it already did. The evening had taken its toll on Ryan and he found himself staring into Brendon's eyes and feeling emptier than he had ever felt before. He decided he was angry with himself and the fact that, with Brendon there, he was supposed to be happy. He was angry at the fact that everything else had to get in the way. Ryan was torn between two things: one of these things, if he had anyone else's life, would be the best thing to ever happen to him. The other thing was proving to be the second time Ryan would have to face something capable of completely burning him down. He knew it wasn't possible to explain to Brendon just how much he had enjoyed those seven hours, how much they meant to him, and how much they helped him, because the way his thoughts were starting to wear him down was hiding any bit of happiness that Ryan may have been feeling.

Brendon didn't like how Ryan seemed to sit there and fall back into himself, silently, and without tears. Ryan had looked away from him and laid back against the couch before inhaling loudly and standing up. "Come with me."

"Hun I think we should get Spencer up and—"

"Why?"

"...we'll talk to him."

"I can talk to you. Come here." Ryan forcefully pulled Brendon up from the couch and he clung to his friend's body. "Brendon, you need to promise me something."

"Anything."

"If I let go of myself for a while, don't let go of me."

"I would never do that."

"It's all over if you do."

"I'm here."

"I hate not having any fucking answers."

"It needs time, Hun."

"Not everything does."

"I'm sorry." Brendon was back to feeling helpless.

"Tell me the truth."

"Okay?"

"Do you like how we are?"

"I love how we are."

"That first night you stayed here and you woke up with me, we said it was weird, but what in the hell was it, really? What the hell was that?"

"It was us."

"And that, too... what are we, Brendon?"

"Fighters. I'm not letting go of you."

Ryan inhaled deeply and pulled away from their hug to look at Brendon and make sure that the boy in front of him was still real. He was able to find meaning in what was said sooner than Brendon himself was able to. Brendon had only said what came to mind first. He said what he knew described Ryan and he hoped it would hold some truth for himself as well, but he wasn't ready to get his hopes up. The last time Brendon got his hopes up, it was in anticipation for the best weekend of his life, but that weekend resulted in Ryan's life changing forever.

"Ry..." Ryan had leaned against Brendon again, silent and lost inside his own head. Even with his arms crossed and pressed between their chests, Ryan was still small enough for Brendon to wrap him in a hug. "I think we should go see Spencer."

"Don't bother him. He needs sleep."

"He's been asleep for a while, and I know you can't possibly bother him... he loves you so much..."

"So do you."

"I know."

"Just let me have this, then. Nothing's gonna fix..."

"Fix what?"

"I don't know."

"Just talk. I want to hear you." Brendon sat back down on the couch and he used Ryan's wrist to pull him down as well.

Ryan sat against the back of the couch and he threw his head back against it. He sighed, taking Brendon's hand, and he looked at his confused friend. "You okay?"

"You're kinda far... just used to you being closer."

"I'm right here."

Brendon didn't want to explain feeling empty without Ryan against him. He squeezed Ryan's hand and waited for him to speak.

"I think we need to sleep."

"I think you need to talk."

Ryan shook his head. "Don't know what to say, really. I'm just starting to feel like I used to and it's fucking scary."

Brendon knew it wouldn't be a good idea to let his feelings pour out in the way they threatened to. In the late hour and in his desperate state, he wanted to collapse and beg Ryan to believe that, with his friends beside him, he had nothing to worry about, but Brendon didn't think he was ready to hand Ryan's previous advice back to him. "I wish I knew what to say to you."

"It's not your job."

"No, it's what I want to do."

"I want you to sleep."

"Might be good for you, too."

"Yeah, I get like this sometimes when I'm tired."

Brendon laughed nervously. "I do too, but you know that already... maybe we shouldn't stay up so late tomorrow?"

"Yeah... maybe this won't happen again. I'm sorry I got like this."

Brendon didn't want to make anything worse by telling Ryan that he had every reason in the world to feel the way he was feeling. "It happens sometimes."

"I guess." Ryan let go of Brendon's hand, leaving both of their hands cold, and he leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. "But you know what's wrong with me. What's up with you?"

Again, Brendon had to remember Ellen's talk, and he smiled. "It's just late."

"Why don't we just go to bed, then... you have to be up in about... three hours..."

"God, I'm not gonna make it through school." Brendon leaned back and laughed at himself.

"Just eat some of that coffee and think about me... oh, wait, we're trying to keep you awake..."

"Hey!" Brendon leaned forward to be next to Ryan and he put his arm around his friend's back. "Don't say things like that."

"Nah, you'll be fine... I hope... God, I'll feel terrible if you're too tired."

"I'll be okay. But it's worth it, really."

"Why?"

"I liked tonight. Well, not all of it, but it was good... for us, you know?"

"I think."

"I never thought sitting on the couch, not thinking, and watching this crap could feel so good."

"Well, you were with me."

"I know that's why I liked it."

"Thanks for being there tonight."

"I wanted to be there with you."

"I don't know what it is about you..."

"Hmm?"

"I guess it's just nice not needing to explain things to someone."

"I know."

"I even had to explain things to Spencer and he still couldn't understand... it didn't change things, and he still tried to get it... I just never thought I'd meet someone like you that's... like me, really."

Brendon took some sort of initiative and turned off the television, leaving the two of them lit from the side by the light in the kitchen. Brendon's shadow cast itself upon Ryan as if he were part of the boy. "I just never thought I'd meet someone. I didn't even know anyone was like me, so that was never an option." He saw the calm smile on Ryan's face and he wanted to say anything he could say that would keep it there, even if it meant that he had to be too honest. "Then I started sitting with them at lunch, and we would talk... I just didn't know..." Brendon took a deep breath scratched his head with both hands. "Something about what they were telling me just made me feel like I wasn't completely alone. I mean, I know I was, but just knowing that someone else felt the way I did..."

"I know."

"Yeah." Brendon almost felt exhausted, almost like he used too much energy compared to what was really needed to say what he said.

"I never had that, you know?"

"What?"

"I had people on the computer, yeah... I knew I wasn't the only one, and it was enough just to know this... but none of it seemed real... did I seem real to you?"

"Yeah."

"Even though you never saw me?"

"Spencer and Ellen were real, everything they said was real..."

"But you never talked to them. About yourself, I mean."

"No... they were so concerned about you, and the way Ellen would bug me when I was upset, I knew they cared about me. I just didn't want to bother them."

"I'm sorry you were alone for so long." Ryan took one of Brendon's hands and tried to think of something to do with it, but he just laced their fingers together when he decided there was nothing to do.

"None of that matters now."

"Of course it does... you know, it's part of who you are..."

"I'd rather just forget about it."

Ryan slid Brendon's fingertips over the soft skin on his wrist. "That's like me saying this doesn't matter. It's not a problem anymore, but it's still real. It still made me like this... all those times you were alone, didn't they just make you want to be with someone?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"I don't know, it just means so much to me to have you with me because I'm so used to not having anyone that's like me."

"Yeah, I know. Kinda have to go without something before you can really appreciate it, you know?"

"Exactly... see, it all... not being able to relate to anyone until now just makes me need it even more."

"I never thought you'd need me."

"How could I make you think that?

"No, before I met you..." Brendon laughed and looked away. "Knowing what I know now, it's not that scary, but it's creepy how much I wanted to just know you back then. My own fault, really, for just... not saying anything... but they had so much... they gave you all the time you deserved, and they didn't need me and my pathetic problems to keep them away from you. Honestly, I knew you didn't deserve to have them distracted, either... I..." Brendon felt his hand being squeezed as Ryan started to sense his diminishing confidence. "I just wanted to know you, really, and then when Davis said your name in class last week, I almost had a heart attack because it... was you..."

Ryan's face felt warm as he smiled. "But you know me now."

"More than I ever thought I could."

"They really told you a lot, didn't they?"

"I think they did. Enough to make me worry."

"Well, you don't need to worry now."

"I'm just so sick of being lonely."

"You're not anymore, are you?"

Brendon looked down at their hands, the only part of them that was touching, and it was enough. Smiling, Brendon looked at his friend and made a small motion to shake his head.

Ryan didn't bother turning off the kitchen light before going back to his bedroom. He put on his father's shirt but he left it unbuttoned in order to leave Brendon's red shirt exposed, and before laying down, he opened his computer and moved it to face the door, creating a dark glow that gave them just enough light to see. Ryan crawled into bed and pulled the blanket up under his chin after he turned to face the wall. Brendon quietly exchanged his slightly formal outfit for his now usual pair of gym shorts and the endearingly ugly polo shirt that Ryan had given him. Ryan seemed to be pushed against the wall while facing it, giving Brendon more than enough room to lay down.

Brendon folded his arm under his head to use the side of his arm as a pillow. He hesitated, not touching Ryan, but instead staring at the back of the boy's head. Ryan didn't move or even attempt to reach out for him. He just laid there, pressed against the cold wall, looking like he was alone. He looked strangely comfortable and his breathing was steady as Brendon concentrated on the gentle rise and fall of Ryan's shoulder and side, and for that moment Brendon felt as if, somehow, it was okay for things to be like this.

"Ry?"

"Night, Bren."

"No, I... can I ask you something first?"

"Of course."

"How can you trust me so much?"

"See those two kids sleeping on the floor over there?"

"Yeah."

"Because I trust them."

"Oh."

"I trust them with my life... just... I want you to talk to them if you ever need to, okay?"

"Yeah." Brendon kept his body in place while he slowly extended his arm and brushed the tips of his fingers against Ryan's back. Ryan didn't react, and the lack of a negative response told Brendon to continue, only with a gentle pressure behind his hand. "You like this?"

"Yes."

"Ry..."

"Night, Hun."

Brendon exhaled though his mouth. He knew he wasn't going to be able to do much. "Should I just keep—" He stopped talking when Ryan nodded his head quickly and he continued to run his hand along Ryan's back while letting his arm find a more comfortable position. Ryan shivered once, which Brendon found odd because it was comfortably warm in the room, but he let his eyes close so he could try to enjoy this time that they had. He didn't know exactly what Ryan was feeling that was making him lay against the wall, but Ryan had some sort of dignified composure about him that made Brendon feel okay. The truth was, though, that Ryan didn't know how to feel what it was that he was feeling. He had to let himself fall asleep while letting Brendon's hand try to make sense of everything for him.

***

Brendon woke up to Ellen's hand moving up and down the side of his arm. He inhaled and smelled Ryan, which made his eyes open a little sooner than normal. Sometime in their couple hours of sleep, Ryan and shifted the top half of his body away from the wall, and Brendon had been sleeping with his forehead pressed against the back of Ryan's head.

"Hey you... you need to get up."

Brendon started to moan, but he lowered his volume quickly. He didn't even feel like he had been given a chance to close his eyes after laying down, but it didn't take long for him to realize that he had to get out of bed and leave Ryan.

"Liz is here, there's stuff to eat in the kitchen if you—"

"No."

"Well, alright, but you need to get up, Hun. Let's... here, get up." Air stung Brendon's legs as Ellen took the blanket away from him and gently slid one of his legs off the bed. Ryan didn't move as Brendon sat up with Ellen's help. She sat down next to him to support his weight so he could lean against something. "You guys came in here pretty late."

"Thought you were sleeping."

"I was. Barely awake."

Brendon nodded and rubbed his eyes. "Spencer?"

"Kitchen. I still need to talk to him, he's being weird. He got pretty upset last night after we got back from dropping you guys off... he just sat with Liz for a while, and it was kinda... I don't know. We just didn't want Ryan to see us like that, really."

Brendon nodded. He was glad that Ellen was a good enough person to be able to take her own advice. His leaning against his friend turned into a hug as he began to wake up a little more. "I can't leave him."

"You're not leaving him, he knows you'll be back."

"I don't care."

"I'm gonna be there with you, Bren. I swear, if you need anything at all during the day, just go to the office and tell them what's going on. They know."

"El, you don't understand. I need to stay with him."

"Hun I do understand. We never used to go to the same school as this boy, remember. But he was all alone there. He'll be here today with Spence and he'll be so safe..." Ellen wasn't sure of what to say to make Brendon feel better about the situation. "You don't need to worry."

Brendon's noises and facial expressions were proving that he was unable to act any older than five when he was tired, but Ellen had an unnaturally high tolerance for the way Brendon was starting to act. She stood up and wrapped her arms around his head to pull him against her. "You don't need to do this, Hun. We'll be alright today."

"Can't leave him." Brendon was too tired to feel so helpless and miserable.

"Hey." Ellen backed away from the bed and pulled Brendon up as she moved. "Spence's gonna take care of our Ryan, okay?"

Brendon's face was involuntarily somewhere between a pout and a grimace, and Ellen couldn't help but to think it was adorable, even given the situation. Brendon stumbled across the room to his jeans and jacket, but he paused for a moment and picked up the black hoodie that Ryan had been wearing when he first saw him. He looked at it in his hand for a few seconds before lifting his eyes to Ellen, hoping he wouldn't have to say anything.

"He wouldn't mind, go ahead. But hurry 'cause we need to get going."

Brendon nodded reluctantly and he disappeared into the bathroom to get dressed and do whatever he could to look the slightest bit presentable. Ryan's jacket hugged his body snugly, but just barely. It was more than comfortable for so many reasons. Walking back into the bedroom, he was greeted by a small hug from Ryan, who looked like he wanted to be awake just as much as Brendon did.

"Morning, Kid." Ryan took the gym shorts out of Brendon's hand and tossed them across the room. "You sleep okay?"

"I don't remember sleeping."

"Yeah I can't say I really do either."

"Why are you up?"

"Woke up when El was in here."

"Oh." Brendon didn't want to ask how much of their conversation Ryan was conscious enough to hear. "You need to go back to bed."

"It's not fair that you have to run on a couple hours, though."

"It doesn't matter, I'll be fine. It'd be good for you to just get some sleep."

"I just wanted this." Ryan hugged Brendon with a little more force than what was expected, pressing the side of his face into Brendon's neck. "I'm sorry we didn't do this after we laid down last night. I just needed to be on my own for a while."

"I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"I was rubbing your back."

"I needed that too, don't worry. You were fine."

Brendon exhaled and licked his lips when he noticed that the clock was telling him that he had to leave, even though part of him wondered just how angry Miss Davis would be if he was late.

"You should eat something."

"I'm not hungry."

"Brendon..."

"I'm really not hungry, seriously. I really don't feel that good."

"Why?"

Brendon shrugged and pulled his glasses out of his bag, slipping them on his face and getting himself a quick grin from Ryan. "I just don't wanna leave."

"Yeah, school can suck."

"No, I just want to be here. I can't leave."

"Bren, it's awful of me to say this, but I know you don't want to go and I don't want you to go but can't we just make this quick? I'm sorry, I know it's bad, but the longer I beg you to stay and you insist on not going, the harder it's gonna be because you still need to go."

Brendon was surprised and mildly hurt by how much sense Ryan was making. He wasn't mad at him, but the truth in what was said was not comfortable to hear. "I know... you're right, I just..."

"Spencer will be here and I'm okay. I'm okay, just... be okay too, alright?"

"I'll try."

"Have a good day, really, just... please be okay." Ryan hugged his friend again and his arms around Brendon's head seemed to be trying to make sure that they would remember what this felt like. "Take care of Ellen today."

"Yeah, she's... I will, Ry. I can do this."

"You can."

Ellen appeared in the doorway with her bag over her shoulder. She waited until Ryan and Brendon separated and she came forward, lacing her small hand together with Ryan's long fingers. "Spencer will be back as soon as he can... he's gonna go in and grab all the homework you guys have for this week."

"Yeah."

"So you guys'll be able to let it sit around until next Sunday night at ten."

Ryan laughed quietly but audibly, and Brendon decided that there was no way he wanted to leave the bedroom.

"Your mom said she'll stick around for a while... I bet she'd like it if you went and hung out with her until Spencer gets back."

"Maybe."

"Well, that's up to you. We're gonna head out, just... get some rest." Ellen took her hand back and she hugged Ryan with her mouth next to his ear so she could whisper. "Don't worry about him, I've got it. He's fine."

Ryan forced his lips into a small, straight semblance of a smile as she pulled away. "I'll see ya later, I guess."

Brendon had picked up his bag and walked toward the door, but he stopped as Ellen kept walking. "Ry..."

"Just go on." Ryan reached his arm out and grabbed Brendon's hand, contradicting what he just asked him to do, but he needed it one last time before Brendon left. They both squeezed despite their lack of energy, but their faces never changed and their eyes never broke apart. "Later."

"Later."

Ryan retreated to the safe place between his mattress and his blanket so he could listen to the three car doors slam shut. He clasped his hands together tightly, but it still couldn't keep him from feeling alone. For several minutes, Ryan wondered if he really was meant to be alone, if he wasn't supposed to have anyone to really help him. He was used to having his friends for support, but when it came down to it, it was always up to Ryan himself to decide which direction he wanted to take. It was starting to feel like maybe, this time around, the decision wasn't totally his. The thought of Brendon's eyes begging him to hold on made Ryan feel like he may not have much of a choice.

Ryan felt himself waking up more and more as opposed to drifting back to sleep, despite getting only a couple hours of rest. His body was still programmed to embrace the morning, even if only for a little while, and he was unable to relax enough to go to sleep. The smell of coffee from the kitchen didn't help him in his quest to forget everything. He knew that the one thing he wanted would not be in the kitchen no matter how much it smelled and felt like it, but like Brendon, he knew he couldn't avoid his mother forever.

"I was hoping you'd come see me." Elizabeth's wishful thinking was evident in the fact that she sat alone at the kitchen table with two cups of coffee. One cup was in her hand, and a second was in front of the chair that was at the other edge of the table, just around the corner from her.

Ryan didn't speak as he sat down. He quickly moved his legs as they collided with his mothers and he drew them underneath his chair, crossing his ankles.

"Sleep well last night?"

Ryan shrugged. He was eager to find hidden, cruel meaning in what his mother said, but he knew none of it would be true. "I guess." He brought the cup to his lips and took a drink, cringing and quickly sitting it back down on the table.

"What's wong?"

"Tastes like water."

"Oh? I thought you liked coffee?"

"Yeah, when there's coffee in it. It's not strong enough." Ryan didn't like the fact that he was almost being moved to tears by a cup of coffee. He took a deep breath and pressed his fingertips into his forehead with is elbows digging into the table.

"I'm trying, Baby."

"Sorry."

"Don't be sorry."

"Coffee's fine, I'm just used to it being different."

"You wanna talk?"

Ryan looked at his mother like she was crazy. "I don't know what there is to talk about."

The look was reflected. "Ryan, there's plenty."

Ryan shook his head and forced himself to occupy his mouth with some coffee in order to avoid talking.

"Baby," Elizabeth forced one of Ryan's hands away and she held it tightly on top of the table. "I know you're mad at me."

"Not mad at you."

"Then, what... I don't know what I want to say, Ryan. I know I can't apologize enough."

"What would you apologize for?"

"Letting all this happen."

"You weren't driving that car."

"Baby, I know. But I'm supposed to be your mother, and for the past few months, you haven't had that."

"Well, do I have it now?"

"I don't blame you if you don't want it. There's no excuse for what I did to you."

"And him."

"Ryan, I am so sorry."

"It's fine."

"Nobody ever sees these things coming, and I just... I always thought I'd have more time... Baby, I promise you, I never meant for it to be like this. I thought he'd get better right after I left so I could come back to you guys, and when it didn't happen, I just thought I could give it time."

"I thought I had more time, too."

"Time for what?"

"To save him."

"Sweetie, that was never your job."

"I don't care, I made it my job."

"But Ryan—"

"And it was working. I know you won't believe me because you weren't here to see it."

"How was it working? I want to believe you, Honey. I'd be an even worse parent if I couldn't even trust my own son in regards to my husband..."

"I wasn't very happy the other night and he just kinda knew it."

"What was wrong?"

"Brendon's parents suck."

"How? Why would you be upset?"

"They made him miserable and he wanted to do shit to himself and I couldn't stay and help him."

Elizabeth wrapped her other hand gently around Ryan's wrist. "So Brendon's like you, then..."

"In a few ways. You probably didn't even notice that I stopped, but whatever. I was just worried about him and I couldn't do fuck all to fix it."

"Oh, um... well, what did Dad do, Baby?"

Ryan shrugged as we watched his mother's long fingernails gently tickle the skin on his wrist. "It was late and I went in his room because I thought he'd sleep through it. He just rubbed my back for a while and we never talked... he just let me sit with him, and that was it."

Elizabeth closed her eyes and inhaled before speaking. "You needed that."

"Yeah."

"Sweetie, just know that I understand if you hate me right now."

"I don't hate you, Mom."

"You should."

"I hate the fact that you left us. Or rather, the fact that you left him. I never really cared about what happened to me."

"Would it mean anything to you if I promise that I will never leave you again?"

Ryan watched his mother's face for any moment of insincerity, but he found none. He gently nodded his head and sat down his now empty cup in order to have a hand to place over his mother's.

"Do you still want to talk to me?"

Ryan couldn't remember ever saying he wanted to talk in the first place. "I don't mind."

"I don't want to rush you. I'm a stranger to you now."

"Mom. It's been what, three or four months?"

"I'm sorry, Baby."

"Stop saying you're sorry because it's not gonna fix anything."

"I just don't know what I'm supposed to do, and I just want to do whatever you want from me right now. I know I can't fix anything, but I should be able to."

"That's my job."

"Ryan, no. You don't ever have to fix anything."

"When you left, you left it up to me. It's all my job, trust me." Ryan pulled away from his mother and he stood to get more weak coffee, because he figured it was better than nothing at all.

"Baby, you're supposed to be the kid. You should have never felt that kind of responsibility, and I should have never left you with it."

"Yeah, well. Should, shouldn't..." Ryan surprised his mother by sitting down on the table, directly beside her, kicking his legs back and forth as soon as he sat down. "None of that has any meaning anymore, Mom. It's done." He took a gulp of his coffee and found himself trying to ignore the weak flavor.

"Ryan, I..." Elizabeth shook her head. "I don't like to know you think like that."

"It's how I think."

"You're too young to be such a pessimist." Elizabeth chuckled and looked up to her son's face for any sign of agreement, but all she found was a serious glare. "Baby, really, you still have some time... you need to let yourself loosen up a bit."

"I've learned differently."

"How so?"

"If I let myself go for a bit, things go to hell. It's simple. But if I keep my eyes open, I don't get hurt, and my friends don't get hurt either. I don't really know what you mean by 'loosen up' but I have a feeling it's something I'm too far removed from to do anymore."

Elizabeth wasn't ready to hear her son say something like this, and all she could do was reach for a closer look at his arm. "Can we talk about this?"

"Now there really isn't anything to talk about there."

"I know, Baby, and that's what I want to talk about."

"Whatever."

"You know I wanted to get you some help?"

"Wouldn't have worked."

"Well, I saw that you were sick, and I tried to talk your father into agreeing with me... you know why he didn't?"

Ryan shrugged while focusing on his cup.

"Baby, he knew you were sick, but he just kept telling me that... he knew you'd make it. He was so certain that you were going to pull through on your own, and there was no convincing him otherwise."

Ryan looked at his mother as if he were trying to figure out if she was kidding or not.

"I did notice that you stopped. He told me a while back that he hadn't seen any marks on you... Sweetie, he was so proud of you. I know he didn't say anything to you, but when he told me he thought you were getting better..." The sadness in Elizabeth's throat was overcome for a moment by a small laugh. "He sounded like he was bragging about your first words or your first steps... I hadn't heard him sound happy in so long, and it was the first time in a long time that we had a good conversation... he was so proud of you for this. I know it's a serious thing for you to do... that, to yourself... and I don't want you to think we just let it go... I wanted to get help for you, and Dad said you were a strong kid, but we both knew your friends would keep you safe, Baby."

Ryan nodded, chewing on the inside of his cheek to avoid showing any emotion.

"I don't know how I ended up with such a good kid. Lord knows I don't deserve it."

"You're fine, Mom."

"Baby, what do you want to do? It's just us, and... it's up to you, really..."

"No it's not. You just got done saying I'm the kid, so if you're the parent, it's your decision."

"I can't just come back home. I gave it up, and it's your place now. I just hope you'll let me back in."

"Mom? Who makes the house payments?"

Elizabeth sighed and looked at her hand while she continued to gently run her fingernails over the light scars on Ryan's arm.

"This is your house, and all this time, I kept thinking that you lived here. I just hated that you were never fucking home, Mom. Why can't you understand that?"

"Everything's changing so much for you right now, and if I come back home, it will just be changing even more... I want to give you some time, Ryan. You need some room to think."

"Mom, I know you don't want to come back because it reminds you too much of Dad." Ryan slid off of the table and sat his cup in the sink. "So how about you stay out for a while longer, but just keep reminding yourself of the fact that I have to live here and it's gonna remind me of him every day until I can manage to live on my own, alright?"

"Ryan, come..." Elizabeth stood up and reached for her son, but he turned sharply away from her. "No, come here." She managed to get her arms around him, pinning his arms down to his sides in the process of trying to hug him. "Talk to me."

"I'm not going to bother you with my shit. My friends will listen, but chances are I won't say anything anyways."

"Baby, I'm still your mother even if I don't act like it, just... talk to me... what about your friends? How are they doing?"

"Fine."

Elizabeth let Ryan wiggle himself out of the stiff hug in hopes of him convincing himself to say more once he was free. "Well, how did that dance go?"

"Fine."

"Did you take a date?"

Ryan shrugged.

"You know if you had a date or not, Baby. Did you?"

"Yeah."

"Who was it?"

"No."

"What? Why wouldn't you tell me?"

Ryan looked at his mother with wide eyes and he shook his head. "I was gonna tell Dad. I don't even think he would have minded, but I'll never fucking know."

"Why would he have minded at all?"

"No."

Elizabeth studied the look on her son's face and started drawing conclusions. "So... your friend, Brendon... how is he?"

A smile brushed Ryan's face momentarily before he was able to hide it. "He's okay."

"He's a cute kid." Elizabeth smiled when she noticed Ryan's grin. "Ellie said he's a good guy."

Ryan hadn't heard Ellen referred to as Ellie since before his mom had left. "Yeah, he's... yeah."

"What do you think of him?"

Ryan couldn't exactly use the same defense he had used against Spencer when he did the same thing. "He's just not happy. Or really happy, I guess... he can be happy, but he's so... angry, I guess..."

"And he does what you used to do?"

"Sort of. Other stuff, though. He's just so sad, and... I've fixed some of it and I'm so afraid I won't be able to do enough..."

"I think you can do it." Elizabeth put her arms around Ryan again and the hug wasn't nearly as stiff this time. "Just don't give up on him. I know you like to help people... Ellie likes him, and I like her, so just... it's okay, Baby."

"You promise?"

"It makes you happy, doesn't it?"

"More than anything."

"Then just be happy. I haven't seen that in you for so long."

"Just come home."

"You want me to just come back soon?"

Ryan nodded against his mother's shoulder.

"I'll... work on it. You don't want me to give you some time?"

"I want my mother back."

Elizabeth kissed Ryan's cheek after pulling herself away to look at him. "Soon, then. I promise."

"Kinda wish you would've stayed here last night."

"I'm so sorry."

Ryan shook his head. "I think I'm staying with Bren this week. Just at night. I guess me and Spence will be here while he's at school."

"Well, Honey... Brendon is welcome to stay here at any time, okay? You don't even need to ask me. Just have him over whenever."

"You sure you want that?"

"Of course. I should probably get to know him, too, but I don't mind."

Ryan nodded once, slowly, and he started to walk toward his room. He wasn't in the mood to thank his mother properly.

"Sweetie, wait." Elizabeth entered Ryan's room just in time to see him zipping himself into Brendon's red hoodie. "I wanted to tell you that what you said last night was beautiful." Ryan looked away, but she put her arms around him anyways. "I know he heard you. I love you, Baby."

After another small kiss, Elizabeth left and quietly pulled the door shut behind her. Ryan curled up in his bed and he pulled the blanket up around him, not really minding the warmth created by the combination of the blanket and Brendon's jacket. Ryan had finally acquired Brendon's ability to just stay quiet, and he was glad, because he didn't want to worry his mother. He pulled his hand inside the sleeve—the sleeve that had hidden so much, but had shown him just enough to let him know that Brendon needed him—and he positioned the opening around his mouth and nose. Ryan inhaled, and he tried to let everything go. He knew it would take longer since he could make no sound.

Ryan was almost asleep by the time Spencer came back, but he knew he must have still been shaking. The pressure in his throat was too heavy, and as soon as he felt Spencer's hand on his side, he knew it was okay to let the slightest bit of sound leave his mouth. Seeing Brendon's jacket pressed against Ryan's face told Spencer that there really wasn't much he could do to help his friend. Spencer sighed as he laid down next to Ryan. He didn't move to touch him and he didn't speak. He just laid down behind the boy that was curled up, facing the wall.

Ryan slowly rolled over. He brought his arm away from his face and he laid his hand on Spencer's chest while he breathed in, and the sweet scent drew a little more sound out from Ryan's throat. Spencer didn't think he could do anything to help Ryan, but what he really didn't know was how much he was already helping.