Spencer had found it hard to look at Ryan's mom ever since the night she left and removed herself from the situation that Ryan had somehow found the strength to stay in. Even though her leaving triggered something in Ryan that made him change, Spencer had still been the one who stayed with Ryan that night. He couldn't move past the fact that Ryan's mother had left her son even though she was aware of exactly what kind of state he had been in during the time leading up to her decision. He knew she loved Ryan, but that sudden act of abandonment had left Spencer feeling even more protective than before, as well as leaving Ryan with the lasting idea that he couldn't trust anyone to take care of him except himself. In a perfect world, Spencer knew he would be able to grab Ryan's mother by the neck and shake her, letting her know exactly how much danger in which she had been willing to put her son, but in a perfect world, Spencer's best friend would have never had to feel any pain at all. If Ryan had moved on so well, Spencer knew he had to reluctantly let go of the past.

"Liz, hey, is uh... is my mom here?" Spencer was busy taking in the sight of the once familiar living room. It wasn't back to normal, but the return of a couple chairs and lamps made it a lot more like it had been earlier in the year.

Ryan's mom looked up from the book she was reading and she placed it, open, over her knee. "She went home for a little bit, I think I'll head over there before too long, before I go back to my... the apartment, for the night. Where is he?"

Spencer shrugged and shook his head. "He was walking somewhere with Brendon."

"I don't think I know anything about this guy, so I'd rather you guys be with Ryan..."

Ellen spoke up before Spencer had a chance to make a comment about wondering why Elizabeth had such a sudden concern for Ryan. "Brendon's good..."

"Is he?"

"I wouldn't want Ryan to be with anyone else."

"Well, I was never really introduced..."

"He's a lot like Ry, they're... they're really close friends, and we like him too, so..."

"I just don't want him to end up stranded somewhere if this kid decides to go do something else."

Ellen was honestly offended by what she felt was a direct stab at Brendon, and she knew just how badly Ryan would react if he had heard the things his mother was saying. "Brendon doesn't even want that to happen to himself, so I know he would never do that to Ryan."

"I'll just have to trust you on that one because as long as he's okay, he needs to be happy."

Ellen nodded, glad that her boyfriend had retreated to Ryan's bedroom. Elizabeth picked up her book and leaned back into her soft chair when it became clear that Ellen couldn't say anything that had not already been said.

It was obvious where Ryan got some of his coping mechanisms. He shared his mother's preferences, choosing to be quiet and yet keep people close, but Ryan seemed to take it to extremes. While his mother liked to sit down with a book and have her friends on speed dial when life started to become overwhelming, Ryan would curl up in bed or on the floor and seal himself off, saying almost nothing, but not caring enough to hide any of his emotions. The things he did to himself and the way he would physically reach out and hold on to someone were enough to show Spencer and Ellen that Ryan couldn't be alone. It was odd for them to see Ryan talking as much as he had been ever since everything had overflowed at the dance. They knew he was talking to Brendon, and to do something like that was almost uncomfortably unlike Ryan. What was like Ryan, though, were the awkward silences where he gladly accepted any physical affection that was offered to him, as well as his apparent refusal to let go of someone. Ellen was okay with the fact that it was Brendon who Ryan did not want to let go of, and Spencer was okay with it as well, to a certain extent, because they knew that Brendon was making their friend feel things that he needed to feel. But Spencer was like a young mother dropping her child off at preschool for the first time, where the teacher is amazingly kind, beautiful, loving, and well certified, but the mother knows her son more than anyone else does; so much so that she can always read the expression on his face and know exactly what he needs. Like a mother trusting someone else with the life of her child for the first time, Spencer was starting to feel like there was too much at risk. It didn't help that Ryan was not the least bit hesitant, because all that mattered to him was knowing that Brendon cared about him in the same way that he cared about Brendon, whatever way that happened to be. Spencer wasn't prepared to see Ryan warm up to another friend so quickly.

With each sloppy step that they took, Brendon and Ryan gently collided with each other in a not-so-accidental moment of apparently normal contact. Usually it was their arms and elbows, as Ryan had his hands stuck in his pockets in an attempt to stop the picking and, despite the heat, Brendon hid his hands safely inside the front pockets of his hoodie.

"What all do we want from here?"

"Well, this..." Brendon grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator after deciding against a soda. "Coffee isle. Should work better than soda."

Ryan looked questioningly at Brendon, but Brendon was walking too quickly to notice. "Hun, I think it might take a little more than a bottle of water and coffee to make... coffee... unless we go over to appliances, and... okay, what in the world are we doing here again?"

Brendon scanned the shelves of whole coffee beans. "You said your head hurts."

"Yeah..."

"How long has it been since you had any sort of caffeine?"

"Oh, yeah... yeah, point taken. But I stand by my theory that we're gonna need to do just a little more than buy some coffee and water..."

"Nah, watch this." Brendon stuck his hand under one of the coffee bean dispensers and he quickly pressed a lever with his thumb. "Just eat them." He tilted his head back and tossed a few beans into his mouth, chewing quickly.

Ryan grinned and rolled his eyes. "God, what have I got myself into this time?"

Brendon swallowed and gave Ryan an exaggerated grin to show the multitude of brown specks that were stuck between his teeth. His tooth display turned into an honest smile as Ryan was unable to hold back a laugh and a grin that were shyly hidden with his hand, but Brendon wished Ryan hadn't hid what he hadn't seen him do enough of recently. "That's what this is for." Brendon twisted the cap off of the water and took a drink to rinse his mouth out. "Now grab a bag of these so I can pay for this crap and not get us arrested for eating things without paying."

Ryan continued to smile, or at least smirk, while he ran his eyes up and down the shelves. He was drawn to the familiar brand that was always at home, and while it wasn't the cheapest, it wasn't the most expensive. Brendon noticed him staring, and he took it upon himself to take what Ryan was looking at and head up to the front of the store.

They were halfway to Ryan's house when Ryan's phone rang. He had to clear his mouth with a drink of water before he could talk, which resulted in a delayed answer. "Hey you."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. What's wrong?"

"Just concerned."

"Don't be, we're fine. Where are you guys?"

"Just leaving your house. We went back for a bit... talked to your mom, but she just left as well..."

"How is she?"

"Alright. Reading, mainly, and I guess she was going to my house before going back to the apartment."

"Yeah. Well, we're on our way back, but if you're leaving..."

"We just wanted to go take showers and stuff; we weren't planning on being gone long. Just stopping by the houses for a bit."

"Just take your time."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, we'll be fine."

"Well hey, just... we'll have our phones on, so..."

"Alright. Can we use your computer?"

"Sure, why?"

"Brendon might get bored if he has to sit there and watch me so I figured he could use yours."

"Yeah, that's fine."

"Alright, we'll be at the house whenever you get back."

"We love you, Kid."

"Love ya too."

Ryan chuckled and stuck his phone back into his pocket. He reached for some more coffee beans and chose to not say anything, but looking at Brendon's fingers wrapped around the bag of coffee intrigued him enough to make him brush the back of his hand over them as he moved his hand away.

"What's goin' on with them?"

"They're going home for a bit."

"Why?"

Ryan laughed. "Well, aren't you bored from all this sitting around and doing nothing all weekend?"

"No, I'm... I'm fine with what we've been doing."

"You shouldn't be. We haven't done anything."

"Did you really want to do anything, though?"

Ryan shrugged and pulled the bottle of water away from Brendon's lips as soon as Brendon was done taking a drink. "I wanted to."

"I've liked being with you, so I haven't been..."

"I never thought I'd be eating coffee like peanuts. This can't be a good thing." Ryan grinned as he tossed a few more beans into his mouth.

Brendon moved along with the sudden change in subject. "Yeah, I do it a lot, but I learned to be careful. My mom had a fucking bitchfit when she saw me."

Ryan grinned and turned his head. "I shouldn't laugh, I'm sorry."

"No, it's... alright..."

"I just see you hovering over a bag of coffee and your mom runs in and starts throwing chairs."

Brendon only had to partially force a smile after he saw Ryan's visible amusement. "Yeah, I guess."

"I'll let you eat coffee if it makes you happy. I know you have me hooked."

"How's your head feel?"

"It's better."

"That's good." Seeing Ryan's house in the distance, Brendon rolled the top of the bag shut and he shoved it into his jacket pocket. He looked at the ground as he lifted his arm and wrapped it around Ryan's shoulders. Ryan instantly moved closer and the two of them looked like they were physically attached at the side as they walked. Seeing Ryan's fingers nervously twist the bottle cap around made Brendon feel uneasy. He folded his hand over and slowly, continuously rubbed his knuckles up and down a small section of Ryan's upper arm. "So where's Spencer going, exactly?"

"Home for a bit, probably to El's place as well. They wanna bathe or whatever. I say it's overrated. If everyone was filthy, nobody would mind the smell." Ryan nodded with a serious look on his face as he looked at Brendon, but he soon slipped into a quick fit of laughter as Brendon leaned over and pretended to smell him, but the pretending only came in the form of Brendon trying to act like Ryan smelled awful.

Brendon grinned and nervously tugged at his hair. "You mind if I take a shower when we get back?"

"Not at all."

"I hate feeling dirty."

"You're not, though."

"I just feel gross."

"Well, I wouldn't touch you if you were dirty." It was a blatant lie, but Ryan could bend the truth in harmless ways if it helped Brendon's confidence. "I have a lot of internet to catch up on, though. I'll do that while you're busy."

"Won't take me long."

Ryan nodded to acknowledge what was said and he gave the water to Brendon before folding his arms tightly. Brendon's arm was still around him, and Ryan slipped his fingers underneath Brendon's fingers that rested against his arm, as if he needed to give Brendon something to hold on to that would make him stay.

Brendon watched from the bedroom as Ryan pulled a towel out of the linen closet. Ryan walked toward him, unfolding the towel and holding it lengthwise. He spread his arms and wrapped the towel around Brendon's body as he pushed him down onto the bed, falling on top of him but rolling off to the side with the boy still in his arms. "Now you can't move. Whatcha gonna do now?"

"Stay here, I guess. I can live with this." Brendon looked up and gave Ryan a defiant smile, proving that this little instance of cause and effect had gone as according to plan for the both of them. "Are we staying here for the rest of the night?"

"Yeah, I..." Ryan's voice got quiet and he looked as if he was asking Brendon for some sort of permission. "I'd like to stay here."

"Me too, I'll just put my pajamas back on... your mom's not coming back over, then?"

"I guess not."

"Then I'm just gonna wear your shirt again."

"Yeah." Ryan sat up and pulled the towel off of Brendon. "Take your jacket off." He stood up and grabbed the shorts and shirt that Brendon had been wearing to bed. He wrapped them up inside the towel and sat them on the bed, turning his attention to Brendon's now naked arms. "Let me see..."

Brendon looked away while Ryan held both of his wrists and examined the skin on his arms. "Nothing's really open anymore. Does it hurt at all?"

"Not much, maybe a little. Kind of itchy, really."

"Well, I want you to do something for me... just scrub over it gently, and it won't hurt if you don't do it too hard. Just enough to clean it up a bit. Since it itches, it'll feel good while you do it... just clean it up a bit, and I have some stuff to put on it when you get done."

Brendon nodded and didn't feel like asking questions since he felt like Ryan knew what he was talking about. He picked up the clothes and towel, as well as his bag.

"Everything in that bathroom is mine, so go ahead and use anything you want."

"Alright. Hey, question..."

"Yeah?"

"Since my mom wants to talk to me, and since I am completely inept unless I'm talking to you, do you think I should email her with what I want to say so I don't have to say it to her face?"

"Oh, uh... I don't really know what kinda person she is, but in general, that should work... just tell her you'll still talk to her, but you wanted to write everything out so it would make sense, maybe?"

"Yeah. I just wanted to know what you thought before I started thinking of what to say."

"It's fine. Just go get clean and get back to me, Kid."

Brendon grinned and let his hand fall away from the doorknob as he walked away, letting the bathroom door click quietly as he pushed it shut, and Ryan was now alone. He stared at his open bedroom door and he didn't let himself think for very long about having it open or closed or needing to lock it. He instantly didn't like the fact that he had been left alone with himself, but he wasn't completely alone once his back was against the wall and his warm computer was sitting on his lap. He checked his usual things, and words from all the friends he had never met quickly flooded the screen. They were in the form of comments on the last thing he wrote, as everyone had understood everything he said, and it was obvious that people had a difficult time thinking of how to respond. One thing meant a lot to Ryan, though, and that was the fact that he had never before had so many people telling him that they believed that he could hold on. Everything in the past had always seemed to carry a message of pure apologetic sympathy, having almost no faith in Ryan's ability to not fall apart, but it was different this time. Everyone believed in him.

I feel like I owe you guys some sort of explanation. I know you all got the picture, and really, thank you guys. You are all too wonderful and you are beautiful people. I've been surrounded by nothing but beautiful people this weekend, both literally and figuratively. Words mean so much to me and you all know that, and I love you for it.

I still don't want to think. I'm sick of feeling and I'm sick of needing to realize certain things, so I kind of keep choosing not to. I can't say I haven't been scared at all. I'm not going to sit here and lie and pretend that I still feel like I have total control over my life like I felt back on Thursday. There's someone with me who I know (&hope) will never leave me, and without him, I would quit. It's amazing that someone can have such an affect on you that they make you want to breathe even when it hurts to, just because the pain lets you know that you're still awake enough to hold their hand. With him, I know that somehow this is all going to be worth it... in the end, I don't know. Okay, so I just hope because it's all I can do. I'll be honest, I have felt empty since that night. I will spare you the gory details about what it's like to feel like your entire chest has just been torn out and there is nothing you can do about it. I am fucking terrified but I can't say that I don't feel safe, at least somehow... I love love. "Ryan has the most incredible friends." It's true.

I still haven't thought about things enough. It will hit me sooner or later and you'll know when because I'll probably disappear for a few days. Estimate: tomorrow, probably. But as for now, I'm trying to look at a certain face whenever I have my eyes open just so I can smile as much as possible before I forget how to do it for a while. I see him and I hold his hand and I just think, 'yeah, this is why I live.' He's so unhappy, and I just want to fix it. He deserves so much better.

But I got on here to give an explanation, now that I'm a little more able to say things.

It was a car accident. Friday evening. Leaving work, someone was drunk, not him. Insert irony here, and insert Ryan cutting this short. <3

allalonerightnow

--RR

Ryan closed his computer and relied on the sound of water in the bathroom to remind him that he was not alone in his house. He had the computer against his chest and he listened to the fan humming quietly; the plastic warm against his arms to keep him from going numb. When the water stopped, for a moment, Ryan heard nothing. He waited to be reassured by the sound of the shower curtain and he once again felt safe enough to move. He leaned sideways and pressed his shoulder against the wall beside him, bending his knees in order to curl up and take up as little room as possible. He heard the bathroom door open and he closed his eyes in a failed attempt to think about anything other than what he had just written.

"Ry... oh, Ryan..." Brendon let his bag fall to the floor and he quickly moved to slide the computer out of Ryan's arms, leaving Ryan with nothing. "What... happened? Ryan, I'm here..." As he sat down next to Ryan, Ryan was almost expressionless with his head awkwardly pressed against the wall. Brendon forced him away from the wall and into his arms, into a close hug that allowed Ryan to cling to Brendon's body. Ryan inhaled, but Brendon didn't seem the same after the shower. Instead of smelling like himself, he smelled like the soap that Ryan always used, and Ryan was never the best at making himself feel better. He was okay, though, knowing that he couldn't wrap his arms around himself in the way that Brendon was able to. "I'm sorry it took me so long."

"It was only a few minutes."

"Well, it was still too long... Ryan, you shouldn't be alone..."

"I'm not."

"Not now, you're not." Brendon grabbed a fistful of Ryan's hair and held on to it, careful to not pull it in the slightest. "Talk to me, Ryan."

Ryan shook his head and forced himself away from Brendon just enough to be able to reach his computer, opening it and sitting it in front of Brendon. "Just read this." He stood up and walked over to his dresser and began to shuffle some things around in front of his mirror. Brendon was paying attention to the screen while Ryan came back over to him with a small bottle. "Here..." Ryan rubbed some lotion around between his hands and he held them near his mouth to warm it with his breath. "Arm."

Brendon sat one of his hands on Ryan's lap without looking while he continued to read. Ryan's hands slid gently up and down his left arm, followed by some more warmed lotion for his right arm. Ryan's long fingers were gentle and he ran them along Brendon's arms and over his hands for much longer than what was needed, but neither of them minded. At the first opportunity, Brendon lifted one hand to silently wipe his eyes.

Ryan looked up with a soft smile on his face. "It has vitamin E... it'll help the scars fade if you use it long enough."

Brendon sniffed loudly and smiled. He pointed his eyes toward the computer to indicate the cause of his words. "I'm not unhappy."

"You're crying."

"Because what you said just... you wrote it so well, and... I can't say anything that I haven't already said..."

"I just wanted you to read it." Ryan's fingers were still gently running along the top of Brendon's arm.

"I did, and you can... say things so well, even when it's this... I don't..." Brendon leaned forward with his face in his hands.

Ryan had to whisper because his throat wouldn't let him speak. "I just want to talk to you."

"Ryan, I want to listen to you."

"Take Spencer's computer out to the living room."

"I need to stay with you."

"You'll be here, I know you will... but we can talk like this and you can just lay on the couch."

Brendon didn't care about having a comfortable place to lay. "Are you sure you'll be okay if I'm out there?"

"As long as you're okay too."

Brendon smiled with the corner of his bottom lip inside his mouth. He didn't make any sound as he picked up Spencer's computer and let the cord drag on the floor behind him. He didn't want to leave Ryan again, but he had to go with what Ryan wanted and he had to convince himself that the distance was for the better because both of them just wanted to talk.

Ryan decided that he had to cave in a little bit and go with whatever instincts that he felt were starting to kick in. He couldn't change the fact that he was human. He kicked off his shoes and shoved his legs under the blanket and he pulled it up to his neck; lifting his arms above the covers and bending his knees upward so he could sit his computer against his legs and watch for Brendon's name pop up on his list.

winter we fell: hi you <3

thrd i brend: <33333

winter we fell: you cold?

thrd i brend: not really... why?

winter we fell: oh. i think it's cold in here.

thrd i brend: maybe, i guess im used to it. i think it feels fine. need more blankets?

winter we fell: no i'm good

thrd i brend: ok

thrd i brend: so...

winter we fell: yeah

thrd i brend: im sorry :/

winter we fell: why? don't be.

thrd i brend: i just dont know what to say

winter we fell: you don't have to say anything

winter we fell: i like knowing you're here

thrd i brend: why, though? dont ever think i will leave, but why do you like me so much? im just honestly curious... im sorry, i shouldnt be asking you this.

winter we fell: because you're incredible, that's why. and i don't want to argue with you about it because i know neither of us will ever win, and i will never change my mind. you are incredible, and that's why i want you here.

thrd i brend: <3

winter we fell: <3

thrd i brend: i think the same about you

thrd i brend: i hope you know that

winter we fell: i do, because you haven't acted differently yet... i don't know, you're so consistent that i have to believe you by this point.

thrd i brend: im just doing what i want to do... its how you should be treated, but its how i want to treat you

winter we fell: eh. i don't know. you should write that email to your mom, i think.

thrd i brend: i have the thing open. i just dont know what to say without freaking out.

winter we fell: well, if you want my opinion... i think you'll be really good at this. it should help you say things enough that when she does talk to you, you don't need to try to say the hard things without having thought stuff out...

winter we fell: you will have already said them, and she will know, so it won't be as bad for you.

thrd i brend: i guess

winter we fell: it should keep her from getting mad, too. if you're careful with what you write, you'll come across as calm and respectful so there's no chance of you getting nervous and saying or doing things that will hurt you in the end.

thrd i brend: yeah

winter we fell: you okay hun?

thrd i brend: yeah, just thinking. i dont think "hi mom: i hate this family and i hate you and i hate myself and i hate this house goodbye love brendon." is a very good way to go, so im trying to be a little more detailed.

winter we fell: okay

winter we fell: listen to me

thrd i brend: ?

winter we fell: for one, you don't hate yourself. don't even try to tell me you do. if you hated yourself, you would think you DESERVE all the pain you have. the fact that you're miserable would not bother you, because if you hated yourself, you would think you deserve it.... think about it: if you hate a person, are you going to wish that someone would give them a pony? fuck no, you're going to want them to suffer...

thrd i brend: im sorry

winter we fell: when you cry because everything hurts and you're not happy, you're crying because you don't like how YOU feel and you know that you deserve BETTER (& you do). you're not crying because a person you hate is getting the pain they deserve. you're upset because you aren't getting what you know you should be getting. how could this be true if you hated yourself?

thrd i brend: i dont know

thrd i brend: im sorry ry

winter we fell: no, don't be sorry. i just want to know what you are REALLY feeling, what you feel that you think is hate... do you want to know something?

thrd i brend: yeah

winter we fell: i DID used to hate myself. honest to god hate.

winter we fell: i know this because there was a point where i 'knew' that i deserved everything that was wrong. i didn't even try to fix it and i didn't sit around and cry because i was miserable. you know what i did? i fucking laid there. honestly, in some sick way, it was easier than when i didn't hate myself, because when i hated myself, i gave up on everything. i just slept. i didn't focus on being unhappy because i didn't think that i deserved to be happy anyways. i just shut down, and if you honestly hated yourself, you would shut down too.

thrd i brend: <3

winter we fell: for the few weeks that i was like that, i didn't even hurt myself. like i said, it was strangely better than not hating myself because i just stopped existing. nothing hurt anymore because it hurt too much, if that makes sense. i just went numb. i don't see that in you, hun. i really don't. you have life in you and you WANT to live. you know you deserve to live and what you DO hate is the fact that you have a hard time feeling how you know you deserve to feel.

thrd i brend: im sorry

winter we fell: why would you be sorry?

thrd i brend: i just am

thrd i brend: im fucking awful for this

winter we fell: no you're not. you just have problems that not everyone has, and since i have had them, i know how you feel

thrd i brend: im just so sorry for doing this to you

winter we fell: doing what?

thrd i brend: making you think about all this

winter we fell: you're not doing anything to me. it was my decision to think about it. if it sounds like i was mad because i threw all that at you so quickly, i'm sorry, but i'm not mad... i have just had that on my mind for a long time and i kinda already knew what i wanted to say and it didn't take me long to say it. i've thought about you so much in the past few days

thrd i brend: why?

winter we fell: you're the only good thing that i can really think about right now

winter we fell: i can't ignore everything easily without something to think about

winter we fell: did i make you mad with all that, though? i'm sorry, sweetie... no matter how it sounds, i promise it was ALL good stuff that i said... none of it was meant to hurt you. i wanted you to feel good and know that someone (hi, i'm ryan) cares about you and knows--just like YOU know--that you deserve to be happy.

thrd i brend: i guess i just feel bad

winter we fell: please don't

thrd i brend: i believe you that youre not mad at me but it feels like you are

winter we fell: then how can you believe me?

thrd i brend: im just like this, im sorry.

winter we fell: bren?

thrd i brend: yeah?

winter we fell: i don't get mad at people i care about

winter we fell: and i care about you more than anything

winter we fell: i don't want you to feel bad

winter we fell: hun, please don't be so quiet. talk to me. what are you doing?

thrd i brend: staring at a blank email

winter we fell: there's something else i wanted to say but i don't want to hurt you again

thrd i brend: you didnt hurt me. just say it.

winter we fell: you said you hated your mom

thrd i brend: i dont, really. well sometimes i do. i dont know.

winter we fell: you don't hate her. i don't care what she says or does. you do not hate her.

thrd i brend: i came pretty close when she hit me the other night

winter we fell: NO you didn't

winter we fell: don't even get me started

winter we fell: you don't... oh my fucking god. no.

thrd i brend: ryan, what? im coming back there

winter we fell: NO

winter we fell: you're not

thrd i brend: ...

winter we fell: brendon, do you know how long i lived with that shit?

thrd i brend: fuck

winter we fell: i NEVER hated him, even when i hated myself.

thrd i brend: i know... ryan....

winter we fell: no, bren, i don't want you saying that you hate her. you'll regret it so much some day, and it's not fucking true.

thrd i brend: im so sorry

thrd i brend: i am so sorry

winter we fell: just please don't say that ever again

winter we fell: because it is NOT true. what she did is not enough of a reason to hate her. go ahead and hate what she did, fine... *i* hate what she did to you. but you do not hate your mother.

thrd i brend: please let me come back to you

thrd i brend: i wont stay for long. i will come back out here and we can keep talking.

winter we fell: do you need it?

thrd i brend: yes

winter we fell: come on, then. i'm here.

Ryan shut his computer and stood up to stretch. Brendon seemed to instantly appear in the doorway with his eyes pointed down to Ryan's feet while he walked toward him.

"I don't want to talk right now. I'm just sorry."

"Don't be, just come here." Ryan extended his arms and Brendon fell against him with his arms tightly around his neck. "You're okay."

"No, I should never feel like that, and you don't need to hear me... fuck, Ryan, I am so sorry about this." Brendon pressed his face against Ryan's shoulder and tried to breathe.

"Bren, no, just... we'll talk later. Just calm down." Ryan put a hand on the back of Brendon's head while his other arm wrapped around his back and settled at his waist, and Ryan only wanted to hold him closer. "I'm not mad at you. I'm really not mad, I just want you to be happy... Bren, look at me." He lifted Brendon's head and Brendon had no choice but to look at Ryan. "Smile for me."

Brendon closed his eyes to keep himself from seeing anything that could make him smile. He didn't feel like he deserved that right now.

"Hey." Ryan brushed the back of his fingers down Brendon's cheek. "Please."

Brendon couldn't look at the face in front of him and not be happy. His lips curled into a hesitant smile that only grew when he saw Ryan's eyes watching them.

Ryan licked his lips and pulled Brendon's head back to his shoulder. "Because you're beautiful when you smile. I still wanna talk to you."

"I do to. I just don't want to leave this."

Ryan squeezed Brendon tightly before backing away. "We'll sleep for a long time tonight, don't worry."

Brendon smiled and studied his friend for a minute before he went back to the living room. Somehow, Ryan seemed okay. He knew that if Spencer and Ellen ever found out about how he made Ryan react based on what he said, they would strangle him. But Brendon started to think that Ryan might have needed the chance to say what he did. After all, what Brendon said was not overtly wrong, just mildly inappropriate. Ryan seemed to take a mile from the inch he was given and he used it as an excuse to let everything go, but it still didn't stop Brendon from feeling bad for being so upset about a small incident when Ryan was made to live with it for years.

winter we fell: i liked that

thrd i brend: me too

winter we fell: please don't think i'm mad at you

thrd i brend: i dont

thrd i brend: kinda mad at myself, though. but... do you feel better after having said that?

winter we fell: it depends. do you believe what i said, or at least trust me on it?

thrd i brend: yeah

thrd i brend: i do

winter we fell: you honestly do?

thrd i brend: yeah... ryan, what you say means the world to me

winter we fell: then yes, i do feel better

thrd i brend: i probably shouldnt say this, but i think i could manage to believe anything you tell me about myself. you know me more than i do.

winter we fell: i wouldn't say that

thrd i brend: i would

winter we fell: i just care about you. a lot.

thrd i brend: im glad you do. it makes me care about myself.

thrd i brend: whats up with you, ry?

winter we fell: not much. why?

thrd i brend: just wondering, because once again, weve only talked about me. heh. i wanted you to talk, too.

winter we fell: yeah you're probably not gonna let me put it off much more are ya

thrd i brend: its all up to you, hun. like ive said, anything you want... just... do what you need to do, okay?

winter we fell: i've wanted to talk to you all weekend, but i just can't use words right now.

thrd i brend: youre doing fine

winter we fell: i just feel so fucking helpless every time i start to think about things

winter we fell: i can't describe it as anything other than empty

thrd i brend: yeah

thrd i brend: just know that im listening... i just want to let you talk

winter we fell: i know you are. it's okay. work on that email.

thrd i brend: i will

winter we fell: i'm just so fucking scared

thrd i brend: about what, exactly?

winter we fell: tomorrow

thrd i brend: oh

winter we fell: i don't want to do it, brendon.

winter we fell: please don't tell anyone

winter we fell: they can't know how badly i don't want to do this

thrd i brend: i will be there. regardless, i am going to be right there with you.

winter we fell: and i need that more than anything

winter we fell: but i still don't want to go through with this

winter we fell: i don't know if i can. i don't think i can do this.

thrd i brend: youre a strong person, ry. and im going to be there. we will do this together, okay?

winter we fell: bren, i don't think i can keep it going like i have been

thrd i brend: what do you mean?

winter we fell: i think i've been pretty good this weekend

winter we fell: with just sealing myself off. aside from ruining the dance.

thrd i brend: you didnt ruin it. but ry, just so you know, i dont... well, i dont even know how to say it

winter we fell: just say it

thrd i brend: i dont expect you to act like nothings wrong

thrd i brend: i never did, and i never will. because something IS wrong. something happened thats worth feeling something over. you shouldnt ignore it because even if you think it helps, just look at what happened saturday. you tried to pretend that everything was okay.

winter we fell: i know i did

winter we fell: it worked for a while

thrd i brend: yeah, if by working you mean it scared your friends to death and made me afraid that when you finally crashed, id be alone and not know what to do

winter we fell: im sorry

winter we fell: you'd never not be able to help me

winter we fell: you're you, which means that you're always going to be able to help

thrd i brend: ryan?

thrd i brend: i care about you

winter we fell: and i care about you

thrd i brend: i really, really mean it

winter we fell: so do i

thrd i brend: i want to make everything go away

winter we fell: i'd let you

thrd i brend: you dont deserve this. you really dont.

winter we fell: i just still feel so fucking alone

winter we fell: i know i have you

winter we fell: it's not that kind of alone

winter we fell: i just don't know what's going to happen to me

thrd i brend: im going to stay with you. im going to be with you whenever i can. spencer/ellen will be with you when i cant be. and we are all going to love you. THAT is what will happen to you.

winter we fell: im so glad i have you and our friends... but i still don't know where i'm going anymore. i focused so much of myself on one thing, and it's over. completely fucking over. and i never got to fix it. failure much?

thrd i brend: i dont want to say that anything will be a replacement, so just keep that in mind when you see what i say next, okay?

winter we fell: yeah

thrd i brend: you're such a dedicated person. dedicated to your friends, dedicated to living, dedicated to everything... i know my ryan will find so many more things to feel passionate about. it might take time, hun... but i promise you, there are too many things in you that will not let you stop forever.

winter we fell: you're beautiful

thrd i brend: so are you

thrd i brend: in so many ways. youll get through this... i know it wont be easy, but im here.

thrd i brend: what was that noise?

winter we fell: i shut my door

thrd i brend: why?

winter we fell: i wanted to

thrd i brend: hun are you okay?

winter we fell: i'll be fine. just keep talking.

thrd i brend: i want to be with you right now

winter we fell: you are. if you come back here, i'm just going to end up laying with you. believe me, i want that more than anything, but i need this

winter we fell: i'm okay, bren. let's just keep going. i'll be fine.

thrd i brend: i care about you

winter we fell: i care about you too

thrd i brend: *hugs*

winter we fell: *hugs*

winter we fell: god. the real thing is so much better. heh.

thrd i brend: yeah it is.

winter we fell: i just feel like i'm going to wake up soon and all this will be over

thrd i brend: what parts of this?

winter we fell: everything bad

winter we fell: it will all be over, he will come home, i'll eat more greasy chicken, and we will go fishing. i'm supposed to have muddy shoes and a sunburned face right now after fishing all day. today wasn't supposed to be like this.

winter we fell: all this is just like one huge fucking nightmare

thrd i brend: im here, ry

winter we fell: i know

winter we fell: you're not a nightmare

winter we fell: everything else, though... i just want it to be over with

thrd i brend: i do too

winter we fell: i can't go tomorrow, bren

winter we fell: there's no way

winter we fell: i'm not going to let him be gone like this

thrd i brend: ry

winter we fell: he has to get better first

thrd i brend: ryan, i think i can hear you from out here. you need me to come back.

winter we fell: no. you need to finish the email to your mom because you love her and we need to keep talking.

thrd i brend: im pretty much done with the email. i just listed things and apologized for not being able to put it together.

thrd i brend: we can keep talking, but you need me with you.

winter we fell: you are with me. i can only talk on here, bren. please.

thrd i brend: is this what you want?

winter we fell: yes

thrd i brend: ok

thrd i brend: im here, then. i want to hold you but i want you to be okay.

winter we fell: you can do that later and it will be a while before i'm okay, but i'll survive

winter we fell: everything just has to destroy me for a while, i think

thrd i brend: i dont want to let it

thrd i brend: im supposed to keep you together

thrd i brend: because i care about you

winter we fell: i don't think anyone could do that for me

winter we fell: did i tell you what happened thursday night?

thrd i brend: i dont think so

winter we fell: after i got back from your house

winter we fell: and after i called you

thrd i brend: i dont think you told me

winter we fell: well, i was too worried about you. and just... everything... everything was changing and i was just scared. i'm not sure why, but i was. and it didn't help that i was tired and sad for you and what happened to you and i was just exhausted, i guess. every day before that night, since i met you, i just felt so much... i loved it, but part of me was scared that things would change with me and spencer and ellen because i hate change and i was so used to how things were with us, and now everything was changing, and even though it was good, i just worry about everything....

thrd i brend: <3

winter we fell: and after i got off the phone with you, i called spencer. remember he was picking you up friday and i had to tell him? i called him and he did what he's good at and he got me to talk.

winter we fell: but it was all me, really. it was my problem. so i told him the truth: i needed to let myself lay there and be miserable in my own head for a while, and i'd be fine in the morning. so i promised to call him if things got too bad and that was the end of it. but as i laid there, and eventually started pacing around my room, i realized that i couldn't be as quiet as you when i got upset and i was just being a general mess...

thrd i brend: <3

winter we fell: so i went in and i sat on his bed

winter we fell: i just walked in there. i thought he was sleeping, and he probably was, but it's not like i could stay quiet.

thrd i brend: what did he say?

winter we fell: nothing. he said nothing. i sat there and i fucking cried for an hour. but a few seconds into it, he started rubbing my back. he kept doing it until i got up and left. that's all he did. he didn't say anything and he didn't need to.

thrd i brend: thats... wow...

winter we fell: he just... cared about me. it was late at night and he still just... fuck, i didn't even think he was going to be able to wake up, let alone do something like that for me.

thrd i brend: wow

winter we fell: it was incredible

winter we fell: it felt like he cared about me

thrd i brend: he did, hun. you know that.

winter we fell: i do

thrd i brend: that's what i love about you. or one thing i love about you, anyway. your endless love for him and everyone else regardless of what happens. even if he hurt you, you saw through it. even if im a disaster, you see through it... not many people can do things like this. people hate too much.

winter we fell: i think i'm done talking about him for a while

winter we fell: there's so much i needed to say, and it's... i don't know. i'm sorry, i'm just going to stop for a while if you don't mind.

thrd i brend: anything you want, baby. whatever you need to do.

winter we fell: i need to breathe

thrd i brend: are you okay?

winter we fell: i will be.

thrd i brend: i think spencers here

winter we fell: yeah i heard a car door

thrd i brend: one thing. quick.

thrd i brend: youre helping me, ry. i will get into it later i guess. but that email i sent to my mom... im ready to talk to her now. im going to do it for myself, but i need to do it with you.

winter we fell: i'll be there

thrd i brend: youre my best... everything, ryan. thats what you are to me. everything.

winter we fell: you're mine

thrd i brend: should we do this again tomorrow night?

winter we fell: i'll need to

thrd i brend: we will

winter we fell: close out of this and tell spencer and ellen to find food in the refirgerator because there's tons of it. tell them to stay out there and heat something up for all of us because i want to talk to you for a minute

thrd i brend: you do?

winter we fell: sort of. i just want you here for a few minutes before they come back.

thrd i brend: okay. theyre inside. <333, ry.

winter we fell: <3

"Hey guys."

"Bren, hey, why are you out here?" Ellen sat her purse down on the end of the coffee table while Brendon frantically closed out of every window he had open on the computer.

"Just talking to Ry. Hey Spencer."

"Hi Kid. What's up?"

"Not too much... thanks for letting me use this. I had to email my mom since it's easier than talking to her."

"I know how that can be. Where's Ryan? "

"Bedroom. Hey, uh... could you guys heat up some food for us? I wanted to go talk to Ry for a minute..."

Spencer opened the refrigerator door. "Is he okay?"

"I think so. I just wanted to go talk to him really quick, if you don't..."

"Sure." Ellen grabbed a random baking dish out of the fully stocked refrigerator. "I'm sure some of the neighbors made some decent stuff, here. What we had earlier was pretty good. Go on and be with him, we'll be back in a bit."

"Thanks."

Brendon gave Ellen a hug, possibly a little stronger than she had expected, which let her know that things might not be as okay as Brendon has wanted them to believe. "You alright, B?"

"Yeah..." Brendon waited until Spencer was distracted before he gently shook his head while nodding toward Ryan's bedroom.

Ellen smiled and didn't make a scene for Spencer to react to. "Go ahead. We'll be back in a while."

Brendon mouthed the words "thank you" before he hurried off toward Ryan's bedroom. He didn't bother knocking, choosing instead to silently open the door. He was greeted by Ryan sitting in an unexpected place-on the floor at the foot of his bed.

"I'm here, Hun. Let's lay down."

"I don't wanna move."

"I wanna lay with you, please?"

Ryan looked up at Brendon as if he were expecting Brendon to be kidding, but he was responded to by his friend holding out both hands to him. Ryan shook his head and pathetically pulled himself up onto the bed with his arms. "I'm sorry for this."

"You can't be sorry for it, Ry. Now I think Ellen knows we just wanna be alone for a bit, so I think she's gonna keep Spencer from worrying about you for now, okay?"

Ryan nodded and tried to force some air into his lungs through his nose, but it was so stuffy that he had to breathe through his mouth to avoid suffocation. He made himself small on the bed, pushing his back against the wall and crossing his arms in front of him while he laid on his side and looked like he was hugging himself. He looked up at Brendon, who, by this point, was trying to control his own emotions that were telling him to do everything in his power to experience Ryan's pain so Ryan wouldn't have to.

"I don't know what I can do, Ryan. I really don't."

"Just come here."

Brendon slowly sat down on the bed and laid down on his side, sliding his arm under Ryan's neck and laying his other arm across Ryan's body. He wrapped his arms around him as much as he could, as tightly as he could without preventing Ryan from breathing, and Ryan pressed his forehead into his chest.

"I wanna talk, Bren."

"I'm listening."

"I can't do it. I can't... fucking... do it." Ryan's voice gave up on him and he couldn't choke out any more words.

"Can I talk to you then?"

"Yes."

"I'm not gonna say much." Brendon buried his face in Ryan's hair. "I just wanted to say it was nice talking to you like that. I don't care what anyone says, if we have to depend on the internet to let us talk like that, then we will. I needed to hear what you said to me, Ry... I promise I'm not mad, because you're right."

Ryan let out an unexpected, quiet chuckle. "Yeah I am."

Brendon felt part of himself melt. "See, you're still here... you're still okay..."

"I know."

"Ya know what else you know?"

"Mmm?"

"That I love you."

Ryan's wet face was taken over by a smile that he hoped Brendon could feel. He nodded forcefully as he brought his knees up closer to waist level in order to curl up against Brendon. He turned is head so his face could be exposed to the air, and it seemed much colder than it really was as the wetness was allowed to evaporate from his warm skin. The underside of Brendon's chin laid on the top of Ryan's head and Ryan wasn't uncomfortable with the fact that his face was no longer hidden, because with the side of his forehead resting against Brendon's neck, he could feel the vibrations against his skin as Brendon quietly hummed something beautiful. Ryan knew it was as close to disappearing as they could get.