Brendon didn't consider whether or not his smile was at all appropriate. Neither of them had many reasons to smile at this time, but with his hand resting against Ryan's heart, Brendon felt like everything bad had been taken away for just those few moments.

"I like seeing this." Ryan licked his lips after whispering, quickly drawing his bottom lip into his mouth.

"Seeing what?"

"This." Ryan lifted his other hand and brushed his thumb upward along the side of Brendon's mouth, ending with his thumb next to Brendon's eye. He was still taken by surprise whenever Brendon showed this kind of emotion because he thought it was incredible just how much the boy's face would change each time the corners of his mouth were raised in an honest smile.

Brendon blushed and ducked away shyly. His hand shot to his head and he moved his hair around nervously, quickly looking back up at Ryan with an even more vibrant smile than before.

Ryan took their hands away from his chest and he studied the bed for a moment before getting himself into a position to lay down. He brought his legs up onto the bed and he dug his elbow into the mattress, pulling himself up to have enough room to stretch out. He kept himself propped up on his elbow with his back against the wall until Brendon laid down on his back, staring up at him.

"Whatcha thinking, Ry?"

"I don't know." Ryan let his arm fall down and he was now using his own upper arm as a pillow. He curled his arm around the top of Brendon's head and he draped his other arm across Brendon's stomach. "Trying not to, I guess."

"I wish I could give you something good to think about."

"You are something good to think about. I guess I just get like you sometimes, just thinking that everything good is going to leave eventually." Ryan inhaled quickly, exhaling though his mouth and letting his muscles relax slightly from the sudden, sharp breath.

Brendon started to feel sick and he pushed his head sideways. He could feel Ryan's nose pressing against the side of his face, and Brendon's chest tingled when Ryan continued speaking without moving his face away.

"I don't know, I've always been used to not being able to have anything good since I knew something could come along and fuck it up, but I just... I got better and everything was great and I found you and I finally felt... something, I don't know... but I keep thinking I should have seen it coming."

"Ry, you can't think that."

"Like hell I can't. I'm used to this shit."

"You're not used to it. If you were, it would have had to happen before."

Ryan shook his head. "No, I'm just used to it."

Brendon sighed heavily and immediately realized that it probably wasn't the best thing for him to do. He squeezed his eyes shut to mentally beat himself up, and Ryan spoke before Brendon got a chance to. Brendon wasn't sure if he even had the words to apologize for having such a sudden short temper with the boy who had shown him so much patience and kindness.

"First it was my mom, and now this, and I'm well on my way to losing you too because I'm fucking crazy and you can do better anyways, and-"

Brendon didn't know what to address first. "You're not crazy and you're not losing me."

"I'm fucking insane and I'm not allowed to have anything this good."

"Ryan." Brendon distracted himself from his self hatred by forcing his left arm underneath Ryan, wrapping it around his back and pulling Ryan over to lay partially on top of him.

Ryan spoke in a shaky, audible whisper as he fell forward and his head landed in the crook of Brendon's neck. "I'm not allowed to have anything."

"You have me."

"I shouldn't." Ryan moved his arm away from Brendon's stomach and he used it to pull Brendon's head against his, pushing the side of Brendon's face against his own as he kept his face hidden in the space between Brendon's neck and shoulder.

Brendon kept his head forcefully in place after Ryan moved his hand down. Ryan's fingers dug into Brendon's upper arm, and Brendon disregarded the pain, choosing to only acknowledge the fact that Ryan was holding onto him once again. He knew he didn't mind this fact, but he still wasn't used to not being the one who was afraid of being abandoned. "I don't care if you don't think you should have me, I'm not going anywhere." Brendon had never experienced death, but he knew what it felt like to be betrayed and left alone, and he knew how empty and scared it made him feel. He knew he had at least a fraction of an idea of how Ryan felt, and Brendon could only base his words on what he himself would want to hear. "This will all get better and I'm going to stay with you until it does, and I fucking promise you , Ryan, we're going to be happy and we'll last forever, but you've got to believe me." Brendon turned his head and spoke with his mouth against Ryan's forehead. "You have to believe me, just like I believed you when you said this to me."

Ryan felt warm with the fact that Brendon had remembered what he said, but he wasn't sure which part of himself he wanted to believe. His words had been true enough for Brendon to remember them so well, yet Ryan was wondering just how possible it was going to be for him to keep all of his promises. Ryan honestly knew that he had a valid reason for feeling the way he did about life at this very moment, about himself and everything he had or didn't have, but it didn't stop him from being a complete failure. In his mind, regardless of what happened in his own life, he needed to continue to be the one person that Brendon could go to.

That past Friday night, soon after Ryan had learned that everything was suddenly different even though he didn't like change, Ryan was able to tell himself that he didn't deserve what was happening to him. However, after everything that had happened, as Ryan laid in this barely familiar bed with loving arms wrapped around him, he wasn't sure if he could honestly believe that he deserved the person who was next to him. This gave way to a sudden, painful question, one where Ryan could still feel the arms around him although he was starting to wonder if he could have prevented everything bad that had happened, just like he felt as if he had played a part in every smile that had crossed Brendon's face in that past week.

"You're tired, Ry."

"No, I'm just thinking. I'd rather sleep, though."

"You can try to."

"You'll need to talk to your mom."

"Doesn't matter." Brendon moved his hand away from Ryan's side and up to his head. He found Ryan's ear through his hair and he began to trace it with his fingers while he continued talking. "You can rest here while I take care of that."

"I need to stay with you."

"I just want you to be comfortable."

"I am. Just laying here is relaxing enough."

Brendon's head turned suddenly as he heard a sound in the doorway, and for a moment he was terrified, but his heart resumed beating again as soon as he realized that there was a perfectly logical explanation as to why Ryan's chest was laying on top of his. His body relaxed and he closed his eyes, relieved, before he spoke. "Knock next time."

Seth rested himself against the doorframe and sent a disrespectful smirk to his brother. "I knew you were weird, but what the hell are you guys doing?"

"Seth, just-"

"Now hey, I'm not gonna judge, I just wanna know if you guys can get any closer there. Might be possible..."

"Shut the fuck up."

"Hey." Seth walked into the room and sat down on the bottom corner of the bed. "I'm not trying to be a dick, but I'm not joining you guys anytime soon."

"Just go talk to Mom."

"Tell her you're laying on each other? Hell, if I can't have chicks in my room, I don't think you should have Ryans in your room, either."

"Seth, I'm fucking serious. Go downstairs and talk to Mom. I'm not even kidding. We're not just laying on each other, and she can fucking tell you why."

"Whatever you say." Seth heard the stress in his brother's voice and he knew that Brendon was trying to decide whether to cry or scream, so he decided not to push him further. Instead of mocking, Seth left the room with nothing more than a laugh, but it was still enough to keep Brendon on the defensive side with his heart pounding violently.

Brendon turned his head back to a comfortable position with his forehead matched evenly with Ryan's. "I'm so sorry."

"You didn't do anything. I expected worse from him, actually. But I wish he was right."

"About what?"

"He said we were laying on each other."

"Yeah." Brendon wasn't sure what Ryan was getting at.

"I wish we were. I mean, I wish it's all we were doing, with none of this shit getting in the way."

"I think we can, though."

"Maybe." Ryan closed his eyes and took a slow, deep breath.

"Do you want to?"

"More than anything."

"So that's it, then. We're just... we're just laying here?"

"Just laying here."

"And nothing's wrong, we're just laying here..."

"Nothing's wrong."

"So my brother was right about what he said?"

"Yeah."

"I think I like it when he's right."

"Me too." Ryan's voice was soft and distant, and Brendon moved to tangle their legs together.

"You wanna talk?"

"Not really."

"Sorry."

"It's fine. I just want to be with you right now."

"You are."

"I feel like if you're going to leave me I just want to be with you as much as I can, I just... I wanna be happy while it lasts."

"You'll be happy forever, then."

"I can't be. I already told you, I'm not allowed."

"I don't like it when you sound like me."

"Brendon..."

"Yeah?"

"Nothing, I don't know."

Brendon exhaled and closed his eyes. "Do you really think I'll leave you if I'm so scared of losing you?"

"I don't know what I think."

"Ryan, you're my best friend. You've had friends that never left you... what makes you think I'll leave you?"

"You know how people say if it's too good to be true, it probably isn't?"

"Yeah."

"It's kinda like that, I guess."

"Ryan, I don't know how I can prove it to you. I need you, and I'm not leaving."

"I don't know."

"I do. I'm sorry if you don't believe me, and I'm sorry if I ever seemed unsure of if you were going to stay around, but I'm not going anywhere."

Ryan was saved from another speech when Spencer and Ellen came into the room. He knew he was going to have to just let his guard down and trust Brendon, and it was a little easier than he had expected, since Ryan knew how similar the two of them were. He hid his face with Brendon's head and he spoke softly against Brendon's ear. "Thank you."

Brendon's response was silent. While Spencer started talking, Brendon tightened his grip on Ryan's body and he turned his head to press his mouth against the skin between Ryan's hairline and eye.

"Your mom's ready to talk to ya."

"How pissed is she?"

"She's not, I don't think you should worry. She wants to see you alone, though, and I wanted to suck up a little, so she thinks I know you from student council. She seemed to like that."

Ryan shook his head, causing Brendon to close his eyes, feeling helpless once again. "Ryan, I need to. You wanted me to do this."

"I wanted to be with you while you did it."

"I'm sorry." Brendon sounded defeated and he turned his head back to put his face against Ryan's again.

"Ry, it's really... she's not mad at him, and I don't know what she's gonna say, but from what we talked about, he's fine."

"Is it so bad that I want him to st-that I want to stay with him?"

Ellen reached for Brendon's hand to help him up from the bed, and her hand was squeezed hard in return. "No, no, not at all... Ry, listen." Ryan fell over onto his stomach as soon as Brendon's body was out from under him. "If you want him to stay with you, he needs to go talk to his mom. Do you think I would tell him to go down there if I thought he was going to get hurt or anything?"

Ryan still didn't know what he thought, but he knew he had to start acting normal again before it was too late. He didn't watch while Spencer walked to the door with Brendon, and he let Ellen sit next to him as he pried himself off the mattress and into a sitting position, still on the bed, but less pathetic than before.

"His mom's really nice."

Ryan simply glanced over to Ellen with a disbelieving look.

"No, really. I mean, yeah, she's weird, but she was nice. She likes you."

Ryan nodded once, still looking at the door and chewing on his lip.

"It's good that she likes you. She doesn't mind you being around Bren, so I guess you guys... yeah, I know she's weird, though." Ellen made up for her lack of words by laying her open hand on Ryan's leg, quickly finding it wrapped in Ryan's long fingers.

Spencer exhaled and threw himself down on the bed on the other side of Ryan. He rested his head on Ryan's shoulder and almost instantly, Ryan's head came crashing down on top of his.

"I'm tired." Ryan sounded bored and he messed with Ellen's hand to busy himself.

"You probably need to move around after you guys were just laying there for a while."

"Maybe, I don't know."

"What did you guys talk about?"

"Just stuff, whatever."

"You can tell me if you don't wanna talk about it."

"Nothing to talk about. It was just random stuff."

"How come you didn't want him to go down there alone?"

Ryan shrugged. "I worry about him."

"He's a big boy, though, I know he's alright."

"Yeah and you don't know him like I do."

"I know, but he's-"

"Do you know how easy it is for him to hate himself?"

"I think I've noticed..."

"She's going to completely tear him apart down there."

"No, she's not, Ry. She even feels bad for getting mad at him earlier."

"That doesn't matter. With Bren, there's... it doesn't matter if she's mad or not. How he sees it is totally different from how things are most of the time, and I need him to be with me so I can tell him when he's just being too sensitive..."

"You mean you need to be with him?"

"What'd I say?"

"You need him to be with you."

"Oh."

"Ryan, you just want him to be with you right now, don't you?"

Ryan didn't respond. He concentrated on Spencer's head underneath his own, and he didn't know if Spencer was even awake anymore after being so quiet.

Ellen leaned further against Ryan and he put more force behind his grip on her hand. "It's alright, Ry. He wants to be with you too, you don't need to worry about that."

"I know you and Spence are the only ones that aren't going to leave me. He won't be here for much longer."

"How could you say that?" Ellen kept her voice quiet. "I've talked to him, and I know that couldn't be farther from the truth."

"I don't know. It's gonna... he's... he's too good."

"I know he's good. He is a great person, Ryan, and that's why we want you to be friends with him. Hun, if I thought you would be hurt by this, I wouldn't have let it happen."

"He knows what all this feels like."

"He does."

"I guess, even more, I know what he feels like, and... I hate seeing someone feel like that..."

"I know you do. You can help him, you know."

"I just don't have any control over this."

"Over what?"

"I don't even know... see? I don't fucking know what's going on anymore. Every goddamn thing is completely falling apart, and fuck... just... goddammit, nevermind." Ryan pulled his hand away and it joined his other hand in squeezing the hair on his head as he leaned forward.

"No, Ry, what's up?"

"Nothing, I just need to take my own advice and relax or whatever."

"Talk to me, Kid. What are you thinking?"

"Nothing, just come here." Ryan extended his arms and wrapped them tightly around Ellen after Spencer sat up. He squeezed her tightly and she returned the hug, and she was sure to not be the first one to let go. "See, it's fine. I'm okay."

"You are okay, but you don't have to be happy right now."

"I'm going to be, though."

Seth appeared in the doorway with one hand in his pocket, and Ellen looked up from the hug and grumbled.

"Ryan, Ryan, hey..." Seth waited to make eye contact with Ryan before continuing, and he lifted his free hand in a small wave. "Sorry."

Ryan nodded and put his head back down next to Ellen's, which told Seth that he wasn't up for further discussion. He didn't mind that Seth watched for a second before leaving, because he was glad to have Seth see him and Ellen in a similar position to what he had been in with Brendon, but he started to feel guilty for thinking that he needed to justify what he and Brendon had been doing. He swallowed the guilt, though, along with almost everything else, although he wasn't able to completely hide the fact that he almost didn't want to talk to anyone other than Brendon for the foreseeable future.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Your father went out to the garage, you know how he gets. He's done with the conversation because he doesn't quite agree with me on this."

"Oh." Brendon joined his mother on the couch, but he let the cushions on the opposite end consume his body as opposed to sitting next to her.

"Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?"

Brendon shrugged and pulled a decorative pillow against his chest so he could have something to rest his chin on. Grace's voice was quiet, and Brendon mentally repeated to himself everything that Ryan had told him about calming down.

"I called you on Saturday, is that why you were so snippy on the phone?"

Brendon nodded instinctively. He was used to agreeing with his mother as much as possible to drastically cut down the length of confrontations.

"Well, your friends told me a little bit about Ryan, and everything that's happened." Grace's hand fell to the cushion that was between them with her cigarette held up between two fingers. Brendon had not even noticed that she lit it, but he recognized the warm feeling that the smell of the smoke gave him. "Are you going to talk to me?"

Brendon's head shot up, his face a mixture of fear glazed with defensiveness before his submissive side got the best of him. "Sorry."

"For what?"

"Anything?"

Grace sighed and leaned forward to place her cigarette on the edge of an ashtray, and she spoke to her son who was unable to remove his eyes from the glowing tip of the stick. "Brendon, I still don't know what's going on with you. Your friends said you haven't been acting any different. They said they feel like you're thinking too much about school and the stress is getting to you a little bit, is that right?"

Brendon suppressed a smile that was brought on by his sudden desire to hug Spencer and Ellen for helping to perpetuate his ongoing lie. "I guess, I don't know."

Grace shook her head. "We still need to talk about what's going on with you. We don't talk anymore."

"And haven't since I was ten."

"What?"

"Sorry." Brendon returned his chin to the pillow while his mom went for another drag on her cigarette. "Can I just go sit with Ryan again?"

"That's what I wanted to discuss."

Brendon closed his eyes and slipped the inside of his cheek in between his top and bottom teeth, and he bit down. He tried to picture Ryan sitting next to him, preventing him from blowing up. Brendon didn't scream, but he felt like his heart was going to explode.

"Dad doesn't think you need to stay out again until at least next weekend, and he doesn't think you need to miss school. And honestly, I don't either, but-"

Brendon threw the pillow to the side and shot forward, hitting the coffee table with both hands and squirming as he spoke loudly. "Mom you have to fucking let me do this-"

"BRENDON!" Grace shouted and brought her hand to the back of Brendon's neck, and Brendon froze. He slowly leaned back into the couch and he stared at the table as she continued to talk, this time much more quietly than before. "Brendon, you need to watch how you talk to me. Now, your father and I both think you should stay home and go to school, but after I talked to your friends, I know it's best for you and Ryan if you stay with him."

Brendon stared helplessly at his mother, her hand still resting gently on his neck. He inhaled deeply and the smoke filled his lungs once again. He didn't realize how much he missed it after being away from home for so long.

"I didn't know you were so good with helping people."

"Huh?"

"Your friends; they said you've been helping Ryan more than they have been able to."

"Oh."

"I just didn't know you were like that. You keep to yourself so much that I figured you didn't deal with things like this too well."

"Well, I guess if you care about someone, you kinda need to do what you need to do sometimes."

"Yes, and they were just saying how much Ryan enjoyed having you with him Friday night and Saturday..."

Brendon nodded and continued to wish he was still laying next to Ryan.

"I've decided that I don't mind if you stay with Ryan tonight and take a day off of school tomorrow, because it will be a hard day for him."

Brendon stopped moving in mid breath and he one again stared helplessly at his mother, knowing that he was totally at her mercy.

"I really don't like you missing school, but I see the need. Now, if I give you permission to stay with him tomorrow night as well, could you promise me that you would be at school on time come Tuesday?"

Brendon was motionless for a second before he nodded his head almost as if he was uncertain about whether or not she was serious. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you letting me do this?"

"Well, do you not want to?"

"No, I mean, yes I want to... I just don't know why you're letting me..."

"Well, Ryan needs his friends right now. This is such a terrible thing to happen to him, and there's no need to punish him by keeping his best friend away." Grace put out the remnants of her cigarette before reaching for another from the pack. "I'm not doing this for you, I'm letting you do it because it's going to help Ryan. Like I said, Dad and I both would rather you just stay home."

With her disclaimer, Brendon suddenly felt much more at home. "So... tonight AND tomorrow? You're letting me stay?"

"As long as you're aware that the school will call me if you don't show up on Tuesday."

"I'll go, don't worry."

Grace nodded. "Is Ryan doing okay?"

"I guess."

"It's such an awful thing... have you seen any coverage of the accident?"

"No, I don't really want to."

"I guess the kid that hit him walked away with a broken collar bone."

"And a fucking death wish if I ever find out who it is..."

Grace looked cautiously at Brendon before deciding to ignore what he had said. "So, we still need to talk about some things. Would you like to get that out of the way now?"

Brendon resorted to the pillow and an image of Ryan again.

"Brendon, it's a question."

"I... don't... what do you want me to say?"

"I just want you to answer me, it's not supposed to be painful. Yes or no, are you ready to talk now or not?"

"I... no, I'm not..."

"Okay-"

"I'm sorry I just want to be with Ryan right now and I never should have left him up there and-"

"Brendon, settle. We don't need to talk right now, it's fine. Maybe sometime this week, though. That reminds me; your friends told me that Ryan is staying home from school this week, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I don't want you taking off more than tomorrow, but if Ryan would like to stay here any time this week, I'm okay with that."

"Huh?"

"He can stay here with you if he wants to. Same thing applies, though; you need to get to school on time. And you know better than to let your class work take a backseat to anything else."

Brendon nodded and sat the pillow aside. He now knew that Spencer and Ellen had spent their time down here fighting for him and Ryan, letting their acting abilities work wonders for the situation, and he knew that he never wanted to not have friends again.

Ryan snapped back to full consciousness at the sound of quick footsteps pounding on the stairs. He shifted his body and gently pushed Spencer away from him with his shoulder, causing Spencer to sit up quickly and shoot a quick glare at Ryan before controlling himself and folding his arms, sliding over to prop himself up in the corner against the wall. Ryan squeezed Ellen's hand quickly before placing it back in her lap and extending his arm as Brendon came into the room.

Brendon stood beside the bed, in front of his friends, and he took Ryan's hand. "I'm back now."

"What's wrong?" Ryan wrapped his other hand around the other side of Brendon's and he pulled gently.

"Nothing's wrong, why would you ask?"

"Just worried."

"Don't do that. Everything's fine." Brendon smiled at Spencer and he looked away quickly as soon as Spencer simply raised his eyebrows, seemingly annoyed for some reason. "You know," He didn't pull his hand away from Ryan's grip while he sat down next to him, crossing one ankle underneath his other thigh and pressing his lower leg against Ryan as he sat facing him. "Mom's actually making some sense today. It's weird."

"Are you staying with me?"

"Of course."

"No, I mean are you-"

"She's letting me stay with you tonight and tomorrow, don't worry."

The look on Ryan's face suggested that he had not expected any good news.

"I don't know, she just feels bad and she said I can stay home with you tomorrow and I can stay tomorrow night as long as I promise to go to school Tuesday."

Ryan grinned before pulling his lip into his mouth. "What about all week, though?"

"Well, she wants me home," Brendon gripped Ryan's hand tightly. "But she said she doesn't mind if you stay here if you want."

"Oh God, when?"

"She didn't really say. All week, I think. She mentioned that you were staying home from school all week, and she wants me to go; well, not tomorrow, but the rest of the week; and she said you can stay here if you want."

"But you have to go to school?"

"I'm sorry."

Ryan watched his fingers move as he copied something from earlier, repeatedly tracing a heart on the back of Brendon's hand and taking note of each ridge created by bones and veins and enjoying the unnatural softness of the skin. It fit perfectly with just how vulnerable Brendon seemed to be most of the time. "I just don't want you to be alone there."

"I don't want to eith-I... don't want you to be alone, either."

Spencer cracked his fingers against his upper arms while his arms were still crossed. "I'm staying with him."

Ryan looked at Spencer's face and smiled, dropping his eyes to Spencer's arms before looking back at Brendon. "I want you to be okay."

"You guys..." Ellen slid off the bed and adjusted her shirt while standing. "If it would help... anyone... I can go to school this week."

Brendon had to look away from Ryan's finger gliding across his hand. "With me?"

"Yeah. Spencer's staying home, so Ryan will have someone, and you... I can go, and we can at least see each other at lunch." Ellen searched for something that would make Ryan feel better about letting Brendon go. "I'd be in the building, too, so if you needed something, it might be easy..."

"You have the chance to stay home all week and you're giving it up?"

Ellen put her hand on the side of Brendon's head and gently messed with his hair. "It's alright. We can trust Spence to take care of things, and since we don't want you to be alone at school, I think this can work."

"I guess it'll have to..." Brendon looked questioningly at Ryan. "I'm okay if you are."

Ryan studied Ellen's face for a moment. "I've always said I'd trust you with my life."

"I know, Kid." Ellen sat back down on the bed and rubbed Ryan's knee. "I'll take care of him."

"I guess I have to keep my word, just... yeah, I... I know you're good..."

"Hey, I get ya." Ellen intruded on Ryan's repetitive motion for a moment by putting her own hand on top of the pile of hands in Brendon's lap. Ryan looked down at them and smiled before she moved away, and he resumed what he had been doing.

Everyone seemed to be watching Ryan's fingers tell the truth on the back of Brendon's hand, but Ryan seemed too lost in himself to be able to notice their eyes. Watching his ruined fingers come in contact with something he thought was so perfect made Ryan feel like there was something beautiful about himself, and even if he didn't quite know what it was, he knew he liked seeing himself next to Brendon. Something about the proximity told Ryan he still had something to hold on to, and he searched for confirmation in Brendon's face. Proof came instantly while Ryan slowly lifted his hand and ran the side of his sore thumb along Brendon's chin. He stopped once he reached Brendon's lips and Ryan instinctively looked away as he smiled, holding his thumb against the lips that had kissed it earlier in the day. Silence was Ryan's way of begging for it to happen again, and he looked back up as he felt lips press against his fingernail before Brendon wrapped his fingers around his hand.

Ryan quickly glanced at his friends. Spencer appeared to be focused on something invisible on the floor, studying something with his eyes narrowed and the corner of his top lip sucked into his mouth. He might as well have been in another room with as detached as he seemed to be. Ellen respectfully looked away when Ryan's eyes reached her, but Ryan didn't mind that she had been watching him and Brendon with an unbroken gaze that told Ryan she was reading them, seeing them inside in out, and realizing that everything they did on the outside was finally starting to bring everything else together. His eyes made their way back home to Brendon, who was smiling, which was the only thing he could do. It hadn't taken him long to recognize when it was time for him to just sit back and enjoy Ryan while Ryan was able to smile with him. He longed for some emotion from Ryan like he saw earlier in the week, but he had learned that sometimes certain things are just too big for people, even when that person is Ryan. It was even starting to help him make sense of himself. Ryan opened his mouth to speak before Brendon was able to find the courage to let his own words come off his tongue, but he was comfortable with the fact that he was aware that Ryan knew the truth behind what he wanted to say.

"Let's go." Ryan's voice was quiet but firm, accompanied by what Brendon perceived as a hint of a hopeful smile.

Ryan and Brendon let their hands separate when they got halfway down the stairs. The two of them headed straight out the door, and while hey could hear Ellen speaking quickly to Brendon's mother, they didn't bother to concern themselves with it. They headed toward Spencer's car, but Brendon stopped and turned to his friends once he realized that Ryan was making his way down the sidewalk, away from the car.

"Bren." Spencer broke his long silence in order to grab Brendon's attention. He lifted his phone from his pocket and he seemed to hit a couple buttons. "Just call us."

"You're not coming?" Brendon glanced toward Ryan, who was still walking, hands in pockets, down the sidewalk. "You guys need to come..."

"Nah. You're good. Just let us know what's up."

"But you're..."

"We'll be at his house."

Ellen smiled calmly at Brendon and he knew he was being left alone with everything once again. Ryan continued walking, and Brendon did the only thing he could do. When he finally caught up with Ryan, he pulled on the boy's wrist, resulting in their hands being linked tightly as soon as Ryan's hand was out of his pocket.

Their piece of cement by the river was cool from the shade provided by the nearby trees. There was a light breeze that was getting in the way of the sound of the water as it blew the tall grass that stuck out several feet away from them. Ryan stared out at the water like a small child that couldn't find what he was looking for. It was a lost cause, and Ryan knew it, but things like that never stopped him from trying anyway.

"Is this real?"

Brendon studied Ryan's face and rolled Ryan's words around in his head, but he came to no conclusion. "Is what real?"

Ryan shook his head. "All of it."

"I'm not sure what-"

"I feel like I'm not here."

"Oh."

"And I don't know if I want you to tell me I'm really here, or if I just wanna wake up."

Brendon moved his legs to try to show that he was attentive, but he had nothing that he felt was valuable enough to say.

"It's like one of those fucking dreams, but I'm not used to them having anything good at all... and now, this... I feel like I can't wish this wasn't real, you know?"

"How?"

"This wouldn't be happening." Ryan squeezed Brendon's hand to avoid describing everything.

"I think it would."

"I don't know."

"It... happened before everything, and I never... I didn't plan on not letting it happen again."

"But this, just everything... I mean, have you seen how good you can be?

Brendon shrugged.

"No, Bren, please tell me you see what I see. You have to know what you're doing, and you're fucking amazing for it. You're giving me everything, and... you have to know what I'm talking about."

"I guess."

"After all this happened, you've finally seen how good you can be... I'm just so glad that's happened and it's so hard for me to wish everything would go away."

"I'm sorry."

"What do you have to be sorry about?"

"No, just... that everything's happening to you like this."

Ryan exhaled. "It just follows me, but I'll live."

"I know you will, but I want to make everything else stop."

"I do too."

"I want to make it stop so bad, Ryan. It's like you wanting things to be different for me, I... I want it to be different, I'm sorry, but I do. I do wish none of this was real. Well, just everything else, I want this to be real." Another squeeze of the hand, another thousand unsaid words understood. "But I wish we could just wake up."

"I'll never finish anything."

Brendon remembered that silence worked well sometimes.

"Would you be... would you hate me if I said something?"

"I couldn't hate you."

"Would you be upset if I said I just feel completely fucking alone right now?"

Brendon felt his heart sink, but with Ryan's fingers digging into his hand, he knew what Ryan meant. "No, Ry... I mean, I don't want you to have to feel that, but... I understand..."

"I've been in bad places but I've never felt so... this..." Ryan licked his lips and shook his head gently to get his thoughts sorted. "Never felt like there's nothing inside me."

"Just empty..."

"You know what it's like?"

"A little. Ryan, I don't want to lie to you, I've never been here before. But I'm going here with you and I know... in a way, I do know what it's like... it's how I feel just knowing you feel like this."

"I'm fucking lost, Brendon."

"I know where you are."

"Then hold on to me because I have no goddamn idea where I am."

Brendon took this as his cue to break the bond between their hands and engulf Ryan's body in his arms with a quick, natural movement that didn't add any unneeded emotion. The force behind his indefinite hug was able to say everything. "Ryan, I've got you."

"You can't leave."

"I'm not going anywhere."

Ryan inhaled, finding the scent of the water in the warm air around him. "I wanted to say so much..."

"Then say it."

"He can't hear me."

"He can."

"No."

"If you talk, he'll listen, Hun, I promise..."

"I'm trying."

"Just give it time, you'll feel it."

"I want to stop being able to do that for a while."

"That's... that's fine, Hun. I know that might be good for a little bit."

"What's going to happen to me?"

"You're going to keep being my... my best friend, Ryan. The best thing that's ever happened to me."

"Just listen..."

"To what?"

Ryan lifted two fingers to Brendon's lips without saying anything, and Brendon understood right away. The sound of the water never changed. Only the ice of winter could bring about an eerie silence, and where they were now, the quiet roar of the water was never going to end. The impossible coldness of the situation that threatened to invade Ryan's mind was thawed just enough by the warmth of Brendon's breath against his fingers. The heat of the day wasn't what kept Ryan from freezing, because it was Brendon's arms around him that let Ryan forget about everything that had happened and was still to come.