Chapter 32

Dream

After I stayed for some more minutes outside, I decided to go back to the bar. I saw my friends looking for me so I just faked a smile at them and ordered more hard drinks. 

"Zee, are you okay?" Faye asked as she watched me drink the glass of rum in one shot.

"Yes, of course! I am," sagot ko agad sa kanya tsaka tumawa para maitago ang sakit na patuloy parin nararamdaman sa loob ko.

"Did something happen?" she asked worriedly.

"I'm fine Faye come on, party!" 

"What happened?" nag aalalang tanong ni Drift na nasa kabilang side ko.

"Nothing!" giit ko agad.

"Stop lying, Zee."

I looked at Faye after she said that, I smiled sadly and shook my head.

"What the hell is happening Zita?" mas nag aalalang tanong ni Drift.

Hindi ko pa din sila sinasagot pero nag uunahan ng tumulo ang luha ko kaya kinuha ko ulit ang isang shot ng rum at inubos iyon.

"You're drinking too much," giit ni Drift at pinigilan ako sa pag kuha sa isang glass ng tequilla.

"Zee," mahinang tawag sa akin ni Faye. Lumingon naman ako sa kanya at lalo lang naiyak ng makitang sobra sobra ang pag aalala niya sa akin.

"H-he's here," iyon lang ang nasabi ko pero agad na n'yang naintindihan.

"Zee, oh my god."

"Did he hurt you?" Drift asked.

Umiling naman ako bago nag salita.

"H-he found me," ngumiti ako ng sabihin iyon kahit pa malungkot. Agad naman akong niyakap Faye, sa gilid ko ay naririnig ko naman ang pag mumura ni Drift.

"Shh, tahan na Zee."

"I-I wanted to protect him, Faye. I wanted him to find someone who is not a burden to him. I d-don't want to be selfish and end up losing him like how I lost our best friend and my dad, Faye. I don't want to hurt him," umiiyak na sabi ko habang yakap pa din niya.

"I know, Zee. I understand you."

Hindi ko na alam kung gaano katagal niya akong yakap habang umiiyak ako. Ang alam ko lang ay ng kumalma ako ay nag decide silang ihatid na ako pauwi. Hindi na ako kumontra pa dahil wala na din naman akong lakas para doon. Faye and Drift guided me to my room, gusto pa nilang mag stay pero sinabi ko na gusto kong mapag-isa  na naintindihan naman nila.

Isiniksik ko ang sarili sa kama at doon ulit umiyak ng umiyak. Kung dati ay hirap na hirap akong ilabas ang mga luha para man lang mabawasan iyong bigat, ngayon naman ay hirap akong patahanin ang sarili. Para akong hindi nauubusan ng luha at kahit sobrang sakit na nito ay hindi parin tumigilik ang pag iyak ko.

Saturn's image suddenly flashed to my mind. Those deep eyes that he have as he looked at me hurt and lost, when he said all of that and he turned his back on me, hindi ko alam na ganito pala kasakit.

Is it really this painful? Does protecting me hurt this bad too, Daddy and Thunder?

Lalo lang akong naiyak dahil sa naisip. No matter how hard I wanted to let myself love Saturn freely, the past wouldn't let me. It was as if I was cursed and meant to be alone. That every time someone will be close to me and give so much importance to me, they will end up dying just to protect me.

"You shouldn't blame yourself, Zee."

I look at his feature, he's always handsome as before.

"How can I do that?" I asked trying to wipe my tears.

"It was never your fault. We protected you because we know you deserve this world. Don't blame yourself anymore."

"I-I can't lose him, Thunder."

He smiled at me and nodded.

"You better not. Don't stop yourself, Zee. We didn't save you for you to waste your life."

"What if I lose him too the way I lost you and my daddy?" kumikirot ang puso na tanong ko sa kanya.

"You'll only lose him when you keep on running away from him. Free yourself, you are not a burden nor a curse."

"Thunder!" sapo sapo ko ang dibdib dahil sa pag habol ng hininga. I saw him, it was Thunder. He was in my dream. Nang hihina akong napasandal sa head board. 

My eyes started to tear up again. I miss him so much. Until now he never leaves me, he always show up when I needed him the most, like before.

It was already 3:00 am and my eyes feels heavy and sore but my tears won't stop. In my dreams Thunder told me to free myself. Should I?

I can't lose him that's why I'm scared of taking a risk. I don't want to end up crying and regret that I let myself love him. And besides it seems like the universe has cursed me, they wouldn't allow someone to be with me.

But is really doing this will keep him?

I was busy asking myself that when I saw Saturn's image again as he said that he wouldn't bother me anymore. That I should be happy. I remember how he looked pained as he told me that I was his hope, I was his courage and I told him to leave me alone.

Will I be happy knowing he wouldn't bother me anymore? That he won't be finding me anymore.

Muli kong naramdaman ang pangingilid ng luha ko.

The truth is, I wasn't that scared to left him that night because I know deep in me that he will find me. Even though I never admit it to myself, I am hoping for that. And those years, I was silently waiting for him because he said he'll find me no matter what.

But after last night, when he turned his back on me I feel like my whole world crumpled. He wouldn't bother me anymore, he won't find me anymore. I only wanted to keep him but why does it seems like I lost him completely now.

I didn't think twice anymore. I got my phone and called Tony. 

"Tony, I'm glad you picked up. Sorry for waking you up. I just need your help," I said right away.

"Paano po ako makakatulong, Miss?" magalang pa din na tanong sa akin.

"Can you please send me where I could find him," I said nervously.

"Sure miss, I'll send it to you now."

"Thank you," I said before ending the call.

I know this might be wrong but I want to take a risk. He was right, I love him. I don't care anymore if I mess up, this time I will protect him beside me. I will not runaway from him anymore, I just hope I could find him. I hope he'll be there, as I walk to him.

Wait for me please, wait for me.

"Thank you for waking me up, Thunder. I'll protect your brother, I promise. Please help me find him."

I said that as I look at Thunder's picture beside my bed table.