"What if who I hoped to be was always me?
And the love I fought to feel was always free?
What if all the things I've done, yeah
Were just attempts at earning love? Yeah
'Cause the hole inside my heart is stupid deep"

- Jon Bellion, "Stupid Deep"

Chapter Forty-Six

My head jerked back. Once again, that wasn't what I was expecting.

"Excuse me?" I gasped.

"Look, I understand you've been through a lot. Hell, I need therapy just hearing it. You need to remind me to get you the number of that virtual therapy center, because I mean, geez, the party alone was traumatizing enough. But on the other side, and I mean this with all the love in the world, some of this isn't new. Some of these issues have existed for a long time. And quite frankly, you're an idiot for leaving."

"Leaving where? How am I an idiot?" I asked indignantly.

"You left him. You let your insecurities chase you away from happiness. You are so in doubt of yourself — and you know this. You've always known this. You have that self-awareness, and I know you do, because we've talked about this before. You don't let yourself live. I don't think you ever have. And now you've somehow doubted yourself so much you transferred that doubt to him. You left."

There was no pause, no break, just an avalanche. Just some spark that'd ignited into an unstoppable admission and paired chastisement.

"I don't—"

"No. I've watched you chase away happiness for years. Just so you can chase some idea of an ideal career that might not even match your expectations. You're always saying how you don't have time for a relationship, and now you're saying you're leaving for D.C., without even trying. So yeah, you're an idiot. You can have both. It's not D.C. or him. It's not one or the other. I've been trying to tell you for so long, but you're stubborn as hell. Again, I say it with love! But you need to know: you don't have to choose one, Avery. You don't have to leave him, and think that's the end."

I stared. This was obviously a long time coming. Like a misbehaving cat being sprayed with water, she sat across from me and pulled the trigger. It was clearly years of a bitten tongue finally being relinquished to the wild.

Yet she was voicing what I'd been thinking for years; what'd consumed my thoughts for weeks now. That maybe what I wanted wasn't black and white. That maybe there was something worth having waiting to be found in the grays.

"You don't need a man. That's great. But you can want one. As long as that's not the reason you're in a relationship, you can be open to one. You can let yourself want someone. And I know you. You give yourself one-hundred percent to whatever you do, Avery. I admire that, but I don't think you have to limit yourself to only one thing. Years ago I told you the best piece of relationship advice I had was to find someone who matches what you give or resentment will grow. I tell that to everyone. To find someone who matches what you put in and is willing to fill in when you can't, and vice versa. No relationship can be imbalanced in effort forever. I stand by that, and it sounds like you did. You found someone who puts the effort in, who could be willing to go the distance to make it work."

She looked hard into my eyes.

"Just because you tend to give everything you have, that doesn't mean you can't have anything else or that you're limited. I wasn't saying you had to pick something to give one hundred percent to, or that the other person has to give it instead. You need to figure out how to have both. You give your all, and that's great, but you can give your all to more than one thing. I really believe that. You just need someone who can love what you give and forgive what you can't. If you can't give your all to everything, that's fine. No one expects you to never make sacrifices. There will be times you have to prioritize, but that doesn't mean you can't have a career, too."

I sat in that messy puddle of truth, soaking in the words to my bones.

"I don't know how to balance it," I said slowly.

I didn't know how to say yes. I didn't know how to pursue what I wanted when it wasn't a step in my career.

Kennedy turned to Oliver and pulled his hand into hers. She looked at him, her eyes holding an emotion I was familiar with; not just because I'd seen it between them for years, but because I'd felt it first-hand. It was a sticky, all-consuming emotion that was unforgettable. It carved itself into one's being when felt, digging in so it could never be discarded or forgotten.

"You learn. And you do it together." She turned to me, shrugging slightly. "And maybe this guy isn't the one or whatever. I'm not saying he's your soul mate. Maybe it's a shit show and it's messy. Maybe it works out. But doesn't he deserve a chance? Don't you?"

"Of course he does. And I want to say yes. I think... I think there's something there. But I'm scared out of my mind," I confessed. I felt silly. I was saying how scary it was to be in love to someone who was in love. Who'd been in love for years. Who'd already said yes.

Not every relationship was like Oliver and Kennedy's, but I was starting to think I was never destined for easy love. I was never meant to have what they had. No, I was meant for one kind of love; the kind of love only provided by one person. Now, then, and forever.

I was meant for his love.

And if he'd give it to me, I would accept it. Maybe it was him. Maybe I was meant to lose my fears and gain love with Reed Sterling.

"Love can be scary. It's hard sometimes. It's also incredibly easy." Oliver was serious, and that was terrifying too. "You just have to remember it doesn't always have to be hard and it doesn't always have to be complicated either."

Kennedy agreed with his words and built on them. "You told me if you did fall in love one day it wouldn't be because you were lonely. Or because you were bored. You said you weren't looking for a relationship but if it found you, you'd be open to it. Well, guess what? It found you, Avery! He found you. So, why can't you accept it?"

Kennedy was taking no prisoners.

"I want to. I do. But it's not like I can flip some switch and magically be happy. I'm trying to figure out how to let myself do that, or be that, or whatever. I want to decide to be happy, and I understand the general steps involved. I understand in this moment how to choose it. I'm well aware that job might be there in ten years and he might not be. But what about the long term? What if he doesn't want me?"

"What if he does? Have you even asked him? All I'm hearing are excuses. Have you let yourself really consider and make room for the possibility that he could say yes?"

"Yes," I said defensively. I chewed on the insides of my cheek.

She really has that mom glare down-pat.

"No," I eventually sighed. My confession wasn't a surprise, neither was my defensive excuses. "This is a baby-step process. I'm working on it."

"You've done the baby steps. You're so far past that. In fact, you've been running for years. Stop running."

She pulled my hand back into hers.

"Look, I'm not trying to be mean or rag on you. But you need to hear this. Like Oliver said, it does not have to be this complicated. It really doesn't. You can take a risk and the world won't end. I promise. No one is asking you to jeopardize your career or marry the guy. It's a modern era, we have technology. You can call him. You won't be writing snail-mail Mr. Postman-style if you do this with him. Avery, all we're asking is for you to consider what you really want. And if what you really want is to move on and never talk about this again, then fine. We won't ever bring this up from here on out. But what do you want, Avery?"

I almost said 'I don't know'. It was half formed on my tongue before my brain finally settled.

I can overthink this to death, or I can tell the truth.

"I-I want to stop running. I want to be happy."

"Does he make you happy?" Oliver prodded.

I didn't need to think about that part. "Yes."

"Then what the hell are we still talking about this for?" Kennedy asked, exasperated.

"Well, I can't just call him and ask if he loves me. I can't just show up at his door." My elbows slammed on the table as I buried my head in my hands.

The concept of the situation wasn't beyond me. I understood. I did. I got it. I needed to let myself be happy and he was part of that. Or rather, letting myself say yes and take a risk was part of that. But I felt stuck. I felt trapped and overwhelmed, desperate and hopeless; I felt heartbroken and in love. I felt angry at myself. Anger at oneself was poisoning, and it stung deeper than one could put into words. It disrupted that bond between self and soul; it disrupted whatever identity was settled in place.

And it hurt like a bitch.

But as it turned out, I wasn't trapped. Maybe the universe worked in some mysterious way, or someone up above took pity on me, because my phone rang. It was an unknown number; I considered just letting it ring, but it seemed like an easy out. A call was a chance to breathe from a tense conversation. So, I rubbed my face, and pressed on my eyes, announcing I'd be back.

"Hello?" I sounded throaty and hoarse from both shed and unshed tears as I stepped into the kitchen.

"Avery?"

That voice.

It was soft and hesitant as it poured into my brain. It turned out the phone call was not a chance to breathe, as air caught in my chest and my heart rate accelerated. I felt lightheaded from the sudden symptoms; the symptoms of love. Of heartbreak. Of hearing him.

"Reed?" I pulled it together and pushed the phone harder against my ear. "Is something wrong?"

"No... Are you okay?" He asked, filling my every neuron with his sound. I couldn't believe he'd called.

This is your chance! Say something!

I cleared my throat, hoping I sounded normal. Despite the thoughts in my brain screaming at me to say something, I was hesitant to do so over the phone. "I'm fine."

"Okay. Good. I'm just calling because, er, well, I wanted to, well because — I'm calling because you forgot something here." He tripped over his words, rushing out the last portion of the sentence so it sounded jumbled and almost indecipherable.

Here's your chance! Meet up with him! Speak in person!

"Oh, okay. Thanks for letting me know. I can pick it up if that's alright. You know, so you don't have to mail it. Save you some trouble." My heart was beating in my throat. I was trying to sound nonchalant, but inside I was panicky and desperate. I was taking the chance.

He accepted quickly. "Of course. Did you want to meet up somewhere?"

I can't go back to Greystone, though. Not yet.

Even just thinking about that building put me on edge and spiked my anxiety levels. I wanted to have at least some shred of patience and calm when I confessed, so I'd prefer to meet elsewhere. However, I would go anywhere to see him. I would go, if I had to.

But I didn't have to.

"I won't ask you to come back to Greystone. We can meet somewhere else."

His words disrupted my thoughts, gentle and kind with their grace. I didn't need to worry about going back to Greystone. I didn't need to worry because Reed knew. Reed was looking out for me. He always did.

"Thanks," I said gratefully. "Uh, I would invite you over, but it's Kennedy's house. Is there somewhere else we can meet? I can get whatever it is and we can talk if possible. Somewhere private." In truth, Kennedy would be fine with Reed coming over, but I wasn't ready for him to meet the best friend. Not yet, but hopefully someday.

Even though I've already met his.

"Of course. I'll send you the address. Tomorrow, then? Eleven?" He still sounded nervous. Both of us sounded like pre-teens on the phone with their crush for the first time; I knew why I was nervous, but I didn't know why he was.

"See you then," I breathed. I hung up the phone, clutching it to my chest.

Alright. Game plan time. What am I going to say? It has to be honest and real, and not embarrassing. Wait no, I can't be worried about embarrassing myself or else it won't be honest. Love is freaking embarrassing. There's no way around it.

If it was embarrassing, or he said no, I'd just move to D.C. and probably never show my face on the West coast again. At least, not after Kennedy's wedding. I decided that'd be the plan if by some curse I didn't end up spontaneously combusting from embarrassment the moment he said no.

"Who was it?" Kennedy asked from behind me, startling me.

I spun around to see her standing in the doorway with a raised brow, Oliver peeking out sheepishly from behind her. "Oh my god, you guys! You can't just eavesdrop!"

"We weren't. We heard you end the call. So, who was it?"

"How did you hear me end the call if you weren't eavesdropping?" I narrowed my eyes accusingly. "I hope you guys don't do this to my future nieces or nephews."

"You're avoiding the question. Oliver, isn't she avoiding the question?"

"He's going to take your side! He's your fiancé!"

"Come on, Rolo, let's get out of here," Oliver muttered to my pup at his side. Both males swiftly disappeared.

"Fine. It was Reed. I left something at Greystone, and we're meeting tomorrow so I can get it back."

A look of satisfaction crossed Kennedy's face at my words. "Meeting where?"

"I don't know, mom. He's going to send me the address."

"Don't get an attitude with me!" Kennedy fought a grin as she joked, but I could see the gleam in her eye. "Now up to your room. There's not a lot of time, and we have a ton of shit to figure out. You're not professing your love looking like a mess tomorrow."

"Professing my love? I'm not—"

"You literally are, so knock it off." She shoved me towards the stairs. "But come on, we have to talk. Like how you're not going to overthink this, or stay up all night stressing or thinking about what you have to say. You can have a general idea, but you are not making a script. Nothing like that, got it? This isn't something you can practice. It happens in the moment."

"I wasn't going to!"

"I still know you, Avery. That hasn't changed in the last few minutes," she reminded. I pursed my lips, but I didn't disagree. In truth, I probably would've practiced what I was going to say or written something down.

No, I definitely would've done that. I'd already started before she interrupted.

But she was right, I couldn't overthink it. Maybe some bullet points, or a general understanding of what I wanted to say and what I wanted to get at, but I couldn't script it. I couldn't know what I was going to feel the next day or what would happen.

I realized that wasn't entirely true, though. I knew some of what I'd feel, I felt it all the time lately. But when faced with green, there were no monologues one could remember. There were some emotions that couldn't be put into words — at least not yet.

I couldn't know what the next day would bring.

This song, "Vienna" by Billy Joel, is one of those songs that really attaches to my soul. And I think the part of my soul it attaches to is the part that produced the beginnings of the character that is Avery. Her character then grew and evolved and became what it is. If I had to choose a single song for her, this is the one I would choose.

"Slow down, you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me,
Why are you still so afraid?"

Also, this chapter can be summed up as follows:

Kennedy: And what do we do when we feel that way?
Avery: Run away and pretend it didn't happen.
Kennedy: No

Or Jim Carrey's Grinch, where he shouts "I'm an idiot!" And the echo shouts back "you're an idiot!".

- H