September 19, 1993

Dear Diary,

Hey. What can I say about this weekend. Man, I don't know, I guess trouble just likes to follow me around. Let's see, well, first; school was OK. Min and I have been having a blast in Art class. It's the first class of the morning and it's just so perfect not to really have to concentrate or take notes at all. It's still work, but it's a different type of concentration, like a quietness, or almost a relaxation when you get into your work.

This week was cool because we're drawing perspective so we got to go sit outside and draw parts of the school or neighbourhood. Min and I went out to the smokers alcove and she sat one way to draw and I sat the other. We couldn't smoke obviously, but a few seniors were in and out and they were checking out what we were doing.

Drama has been weird. I decided that I was going to perform my own monologue. I've started writing it a little bit. It's mostly just a poem, but our teacher said that was fine, as long as it was relate-able to the audience. He said this week we'll be paired off to practice. I'm just worried about memorizing it. I should probably work on that tonight after I finish updating you. 

Rick wasn't in class a couple days this week. Way to go, Rick, already skipping out. He said he was sick, but I know him. Sometimes he just doesn't give a fuck about school. I can't really blame him, he's super smart so he doesn't really need school, but he still has to graduate just like everybody else.

We are sort of talking now. I at least acknowledge him now when I walk into class. Sometimes I want to grab him by the hair and shake the cute out of him. The way he looks up at me with his eyes when I walk in and gives me a little wave always seems to get my heart pumping. All I have to do though is remember what he did, then I'm over it. But I have something I need to tell you about that, I'll get to it afterwards. 

Now before I get to this weekend, let me just say that Dylan didn't call me at all this week. It kinda bummed me out, but also made for a bit of a stress free week. That is, until Friday night at Devon Woods.

There was a bush party Friday. Everyone was talking about it at school. Rick even asked me if we were all going. Right then I should have taken it as a sign, but my stupidity and his gaze when he asked me lured me in to convince the girls to go. I guess I sort of miss hanging out with him and everyone else, just being out in a crowd of people who don't give a shit about what I'm doing or saying and everyone is having fun, that's a good feeling. I wanted to feel that again.

So me, Parker and Min walked there from the mall. Everyone parks at the mall or takes the bus so we don't let on that there is a party going on in the woods. Devon Woods is just a few acres of forest in the middle of a subdivision behind the mall. There is a trail that you can walk on that sort of takes you around the perimeter, but we all meet in the middle where there is kind of a clearing. Years ago some guys dragged over a few logs to sit on and made a fire pit. So now, generations of high school kids use it to party.

So we get there and some of the younger, dumber assholes were running and jumping over the fire. Rick, Brewster, Mike and Steve were there. They were laughing at the dumb assholes. One of them tripped up and pretty much landed in it, luckily he was quick enough and not too drunk that he was able to scurry out of it before catching on fire. That put an end to their fun though.

What was cool this weekend was that someone actually brought a ghetto blaster out with a bunch of old mixed tapes, so we had music! Thank god for battery operated hand held stereos.  Everyone was drinking beer and there were doobies floating around. Parker brought wine coolers so we drank those. Min was driving so she just had a few tokes here and there but she brought a couple cans of coke to sip on. But it was pretty chill, I was actually having fun.

I didn't recognize half the people there. Some were from our school and the others were from public school I guess. A few of the guys we didn't recognize came and sat with us and talked with us for awhile. One dude named Scott was trying to pick up on Min, but I don't really think he was her type. I was a little buzzed at that point so I was a bit flirty with them. Hey, why the fuck not? OK, maybe I was trying to make Rick jealous, but it sort of worked I think because they actually ended up leaving.

But you will never guess what happened next.

Dylan showed up. 

My stomach dropped. Not in a good way either. Not butterflies. More like somebody had shoved me off the roof of the mall.

What? That doesn't surprise you. Ok, guess who he showed up with? No, not his crazy ass girlfriend or ex girlfriend or whatever the fuck she is now. Nope. He came strolling into the bush with fucking backstabber!

Ok, so maybe they weren't together, together. But he was with his friends and she was with a few girls I didn't know and they all walked in together. Like, really Dylan? Do you do this to me just to fuck with me, or are you really that dumb?

Ok, right, now just remember that I was tipsy. I don't necessarily regret what I did just then, but if I was sober I probably would have just walked away and left the party. But what did I do? Well, first I just sat there and watched with my mouth open. Min and Parker were chirping next to me, maybe talking to me, maybe to the guys we were sitting with, I don't really know. I just sat there for a few moments while my blood boiled.

I watched Tammy as she strutted around the party, saying hi to people she knew. Every time she laughed, I got angrier. Every time somebody stopped to talk to her, I got angrier. Every time she acted like she belonged there, like nothing had happened, I got angrier.

Dylan saw me so he and his friends walked over to us. Tammy saw him walk over and noticed me. She stopped dead in her tracks for a second and looked me in the eyes (huge fucking mistake) and then quickly walked to the other end of the party.

"Why the fuck are you here with that slut?!" I yelled at Dylan when he got to us. I realized that I was drunk because I tried to stand up too fast and fell back down hard on my ass. I tried again and succeeded.

"Whoa, they were just parking when we did, we didn't come together. But I know Julie, she's cool." She must have been one of the girls with Tammy. "Are you drunk?" Dylan laughed and smiled at me.

"Pfft. No." Dylan knew they guys we were sitting with so they sat next to us and said their hellos.

"Come sit." Dylan grabbed my hand and tried to pull me back down on his lap. Though I was a little less furious with him, I just couldn't let her be in the same space that I occupied. Just knowing she stood over there and was probably talking about me or wondering what I was going to do, hoping I would maybe leave, something inside me just snapped.

I pulled my hand away from Dylan and without saying a word I went to search for her. It didn't take long, she was just behind a few groups of people. Min and Parker were yelling at me to get back to them, but I didn't listen. I was on a mission. I had words for the bitch.

Well, turns out I had more than words. As soon as I walked up to her I pushed her and she fell on the ground. "Why the fuck are you here Tammy? You're not welcome." I sort of feel bad about that, cause I'm usually not a violent person at all. Sure I talk rough, but I tend to avoid conflict like the plague.

One of her friends grabbed me and held me back from her. "Hey! What the fuck, bitch!" I turned and literally punched this girl as hard as I could in the arm to let me go. She yelled and backed away. "You crazy cunt!"

"Fuck you, princess, this is between me and the slut." I kicked dirt at her. I am so embarrassed thinking about what I did. I mean, I'm not a mean person! At least I try not to be, even when I feel like I hate everyone, I always try to be polite. There was just something inside of me I needed to get out. All the frustration and anger I let boil in me all summer needed to be released. 

Tammy stood up and was standing there looking terrified, but also looking ready to throw down. I don't know if she was expecting me to attack her or if she really wanted to fight. "Rick's a loser, Sadie. Why do you care anymore, anyways."

"Because you're a fucking bitch. I'm surprised you're here and not somewhere with a set of cock and balls in your mouth."

"Get over yourself, Sadie. There's nothing you can do that will change what happened."

"Oh yeah, and what did happen, Tammy? Other than fucking over your friend by fucking her boyfriend."

She laughed. She laughed! "Rick and I never had sex, Sadie."

For a second I just stared at her. The woods seemed to go quiet. Even the music sounded farther away.

What?

"But you're too fucking crazy to even realize that. Sure, I liked him and thought maybe he was into it, but guess what?! He wasn't! Oh fucking well! Great job at keeping your relationship going, I heard you had a really great summer."

That was all I could take. I walked up to her and slapped her in the face. Well I tried to, but she sort of blocked my hand so I smacked her upside the head. So I grabbed her hair like Dylan's crazy girlfriend had done to me and I sort of swung her around a bit. I let her go and then I kicked her in the ass so she fell to the ground again.

I stood there breathing hard, my hands shaking. Tammy rubbed the side of her head where I'd grabbed her hair.

"You're fucking insane," one of her friends said.

"Come on, let's go," another one whispered.

But Tammy didn't move. She just stood there brushing dirt off her jeans. "Believe whatever you want, Sadie," she said. "I don't care anymore."

"Just stay the fuck away from me." I said and she turned around and walked away.

But I was still reeling. At least she had enough sense to leave. I stayed. I sat down on one of the logs and stared into the fire. Parker wouldn't stop asking me if I was okay. Min looked like she wanted to drive me home.

I couldn't stop hearing Tammy's stupid voice in my head. Not because I believed her. At least I don't think I did. But it was the first thing anyone had said all summer that didn't fit the story I'd been telling myself. For a split second I remembered Rick standing in the cafeteria with his mouth hanging open while I screamed at him.

Then I remembered all the times he tried to talk to me afterwards. Then I remembered him looking at me in Drama class this week.

Then I got angry all over again.

And that was just the first part of the Friday night. You won't believe what happened next, let alone Saturday night. This weekend was a doozy.