i've been drinking a lot lately. not dramatically, mind you, that wouldn't be a bad idea to lose myself once in a while. i just mean having a cider one night and maybe a glass of wine the next. i'm not using it to deal with my feelings though, i don't want to be like my father and end up abusing my own children. but that doesn't mean to say that getting drunk to forget all these feelings doesn't help. i've just been using it as a...sort of source of survival. something to look forward to at the end of the day. for example, managed to get through a day of school without hurting myself and having suicidal thoughts, congrats you win a glass of wine to last you to the next day....heh...it probably won't last that way, it'll probably just become routine to have a glass and not a victory to earn one, but you know. it doesn't hurt to try and save myself now and then...right? though i think i'll only keep this up until new year and then stop it....so one could say it's my last hurrah with alcohol.