It's the summer season and my workmates are already excited for the company outing that we are doing every year. Laging mayroong team building tuwing summer at palagi rin nag-a-out of town. All expenses are on the company.

I used to be one of the most excited employees ever. Ngayon, nawawalan na ako ng pakialam.

"Bili tayong swimsuit, Ruth!"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin kay Maria na nakatayo sa harap ng cubicle ko. Ngumiti ako at tumango bilang tugon. Sumimangot siya sa akin, dahilan para makaramdam ako ng guilt.

"Ruth naman. You've been distant with us for the past weeks. What happened? Aren't you excited for the company outing?" nakasimangot na sabi niya.

Umiling ako bago ngumiti nang maliit. "Hindi. It's just that . . . I'm tired. I'm sorry, Maria."

She sighed before tapping my right shoulder. "Just talk to me if something's bothering you, okay?"

I nodded in response.

No one here knows about Enzo and I's break-up. Akala nila noon, ikakasal na kami when the right time comes. But I've been working here for five years already and no news about our marriage—or even an engagement—was made.

Did Enzo and I even plan for that? O ako lang talaga ang nag-isip na aabot kami sa puntong 'yon?

My eyes heated as I heaved a deep sigh. Uminom ako ng kape na binili ni Maria para sa akin bago ibinalik ang atensyon sa manuscript na ine-edit ko.

Mabuti pa sa story na 'to, ipinakita ang pagpaplano ng dalawang bida para sa kasal nila. I can't remember Enzo and I did that. We never planned for things like that.

I sighed. I'm getting tired of everything. I've never felt this way before. Pati ang trabahong mahal na mahal ko, naaapektuhan na.

Should I take a break? Should I ask for a vacation leave to cleanse my mind and come back as a better person?

I sighed again for the nth time.

Para saan naman? Para magmukmok ako sa bahay at maramdaman ang pag-iisa? Kung magti-take ako ng vacation leave, what good will it do to me? Natatakot akong baka mag-self-beating lang ako kapag ginawa ko 'yon.

Maybe I need this job to divert my attention, right?

I typed my comment in a passage where I found an inconsistency.

Shall we do a "find and replace" for the word 'kan'ya'? May 'kaniya' kasi at may 'kan'ya' rin. The latter suits your writing style since you often use apostrophes.

I focused on my work the whole day. The story is quite good and deserves to be published traditionally. I got envious when the main characters went on a beach as they found each other's love once again.

Buong araw, puro dagat ang naririnig at nababasa ko. I'm not in a mood to celebrate with my workmates so I don't think I'll join them, but . . . why am I suddenly thinking of taking a month-long leave and going to an island alone?

I shook my head as I finished editing the manuscript. It took me so many days before I finished this one. If I were the same Ruth today, two days would be the longest I would do for the first round of editing.

As I finished editing, I stretched my arms up and moved my head. The thoughts about going to an island haven't left my mind.

Bakit ba bigla kong naisip 'yon?

I organized my things and turned my computer off, before bidding goodbyes to my co-employees.

"Drive safely, Ruth!"

I smiled at them. "Okay. Ingat din kayo!"

I rode an elevator going down to the underground parking lot. Nang makarating, lumabas ako ng elevator at naglakad papunta sa sasakyan ko. Pinatunog ko ang car alarm bago sumakay sa driver's seat, saka nagsimulang mag-drive. Dederetso na sana ako sa bahay ng mga magulang ko nang mapagtanto na wala na pala akong isusuot para sa work. Most of my things are in the condo unit.

I had to go home to get some stuff.

I sighed as I turned left. Hanggang ngayon, iniisip ko pa rin kung anong magiging plano ko para sa condo unit na binili namin ni Enzo. Gusto kong pag-usapan naming dalawa 'yon pero hindi ko siya ma-contact.

It seems like he doesn't want to talk to me anymore . . . or so I thought.

Nang makarating ako sa parking lot ng building, nakaramdam ako ng kaba. I saw a familiar car, parked in a familiar parking space. I know because that was his favorite spot. Nagmamadali akong nag-park sa bakanteng pwesto bago lumabas ng sasakyan. Lakad-takbo ang ginawa ko para mabilis makarating sa elevator.

As I entered the elevator, nanginginig ang mga kamay kong pinindot ang floor number ng unit namin. My heart is beating so wild and that's because I know that Enzo's inside the unit. 

He's there! He came to see me!

Nang makarating sa palapag, nagmamadali akong naglakad papunta sa unit. I used my keys to enter inside. Oras na buksan ko ang pinto, I saw him sitting on the couch of the living room, probably waiting for me.

He smiled a little when he saw me. It feels like my heart melted because of that.

"Enzo . . ."

He stood up as I walked towards him. "Ruth . . ."

My tears started pooling in the corner of my eyes while the lumps were forming on my throat. 

"I missed you," I said. He sighed, looking straight in my eyes. He didn't talk so I took his hands and put it in my face. "Do you miss me too?"

He smiled. "Of course. It's been almost a month."

"Then come back," I said, almost begging. My tears fell when I felt something's off. "Enzo, come back here. I missed you."

He shook his head. "I can't be unfair to you anymore."

"But why?" I sobbed.

His throat moved. "I'm not fine."

"I know! That's why I'm asking you to come back to me. We'll figure it out!"

He shook his head and that made me cry more. "Ruth . . ."

I threw his hand away. "Then why are you here?!"

He looked down, before taking something from his pocket. He took my hand and put the familiar keys on it, making me feel like I was thrown a bucket of cold water.

"It's up to you now on what you will do with this unit. If you want to sell this, go on and sell it. You don't have to think about the money I put into this. If you want to continue living here, you may do that too. It's all up to you, Ruth. Just forget that I became a part of this condo and live comfortably."

I shut my eyes and cried louder. I was about to sit on the floor when he held my arms for support.

"Ruth—"

"I fucking hate you!" I shouted as I glared at him. "I hate you so much! Fuck, I love you so much but why are you hurting me this way?!"

He gulped. "You'd be hurt more if we continue this relationship."

"No! Ikaw lang ang kailangan ko!"

"Ruth . . ." He looked down, sighing. "I can't love someone the same way anymore."

I shook my head repeatedly. "I don't need the same love. All I need is you." I sobbed. "Enzo, what did I do wrong, really?"

He pursed his lips while his eyes slowly turned red. "You invalidated me. And I can't see myself the same way ever again, after that."

I covered my mouth as sobs continued to come out of it.

Right . . . this is my fault. If I didn't tell him that, I guess we wouldn't be in this situation.

"I'm sorry, Ruth."

After he said that, he left the unit . . . making me feel a lot worse than I felt before.

I sat on the floor and cried out loud, holding the keys tighter.

Kasalanan mo ang lahat ng 'to, Ruth. If you didn't say those words . . . you wouldn't lose him.

***

The following days, I didn't go home to my parents. I didn't even go to work for three straight days. I only stayed inside my unit alone, crying and reminiscing about the days when Enzo and I were happy.

On the fourth day after Enzo gave me the keys, I went to the company to receive my punishment—my superior's yelling. Aside from that, I know that I became unfair because of the three-day straight AWOL that I did.

Hindi ko na rin alam paano mag-function katulad noon. I know that I am not doing well enough with my job. Hindi kaya ng pride ko ang ganito.

When I arrived at the company, I went straight to my boss' office. Sa bukas pa lang ng mukha niya, alam ko nang hindi maganda ang mood niya lalo na't nakita niya ako. I probably delayed the process of some books because I was absent, and I can't blame them for that.

"What happened to you?!" Ma'am Mia shouted, making me look down on the floor. "You were never like that! Alam mong may ire-release tayong aklat but you chose not to go to work! Paano kung kulang tayo sa tao?! Paano kung walang sumalo ng mga trabahong iniwan mo nang walang pasabi?!"

I gulped as I felt my heart beating wild. I have never been shouted at like this by her, and experiencing this right now doesn't feel so good . . . especially when I am not really fine.

"If you're not feeling fine, is it too hard for you to file a sick leave?!" I lightly shook my head in response. "Then, why didn't you do that?!"

"I'm sorry," is all I could say.

She sighed. I watched her lean on the back of his chair, still glaring at me. "Get back to work now! Don't let this happen again!"

I gulped before taking the envelope from my bag, putting it on her table. "I came for this."

Matagal niyang tinitigan ang envelope na alam kong alam niya ang nilalaman. I don't want to do this but it's been over a month and I am not doing great with my job. I am slowing the process of releasing a book. Naaapektuhan na sila ng mga personal kong problema.

"Why are you resigning?" kunot-noo niyang tanong.

"I just have to."

She sighed. "Ruth, you know that there is a first in everything. Is it because you expected that I'll yell at you, that's why you're leaving the company?!"

I shook my head again. "No. I just really have to do this. I can't work the same way anymore. I can't be that critical editor you once had. I can't do my job very well."

She sighed once again. "Ruth . . ."

Kinuha ko ang envelope at inilapit pa sa kan'ya. "Ma'am, please take my resignation letter. Malapit na po ako mabaliw dito kasi hindi ko po kayang pagsabayin ang personal kong problema, pati na po itong trabaho ko. I'm sorry that I have to do this. I just . . . I just really need to."

Sa huli, matapos kong ipaliwanag ang lahat ng nangyari, pinayagan na rin niya akong umalis. She wished for my healing and told me that I can come back whenever I can. She treasured every employee here like a family, and letting go of someone will probably hurt her.

I took my things from my office and bid goodbyes to my workmates. They were shocked but they didn't stop me because, apparently, they have a hunch of what's happening to me.

"You'll be fine, Ruth. We'll be waiting for you."

My tears pooled in the corner of my eyes as I hugged Maria.

After talking to my workmates, I left the company with my things I took from my office.

___

This chapter is dedicated to PolengApart! Thank you so much for supporting this story. I hope you liked this chapter. Thank you for always supporting me in everything. ♥

-mari 🌻