Massive tw: Suicide and anorexia. Please, please talk to someone if you feel like this. It's important that you know you're not alone. I myself have had eating disorders and suicidal thoughts. If you ever are affected by this whether it's yourself or someone you know you can talk to me or if it's a friend then talk to them because they will need it even if they say they don't or if they say they're fine. If you are upset by either of these topics then please don't read this chapter.

Throwing his keys down violently into the wooden bowl, Geoff growled in frustration and slammed the door closed behind him.

In the living room a blue haired boy frowned at the noise and stood up from where he was previously squished into the corner of the sofa. Tentatively, Awsten walked into the hallway where Geoff was aggressively taking off his shoes.

"Hey." Awsten said softly so as not to anger Geoff even more. "Hi." The brunette replied tersely.

Awsten cowered slightly at the harshness in his husbands tone. Geoff saw Awsten flinch and his expression softened. He stood up straight and moved over to Awsten slowly.

The blue boy didn't move. Geoff took it as a good sign and continued forwards until Awsten was enclosed in his arms.

"Awsie I'm so sorry." Geoff breathed, rubbing Awsten's back gently. "I'm not angry with you baby. I've just had a rough day. I swear I'm fucking done with fat cunts. They're so fucking slow -and not to mention disgusting- my boss is a fucking bitch." The brunette sighed and shook his head.

He squeezed Awsten tightly and kissed his forehead before moving to the kitchen. The younger was left alone, shaking in the hallway.

Fat cunts.

They're so fucking slow and not to mention disgusting.

Was that really what Geoff thought? Did he hate people that were overweight. Awsten looked down at his own stomach. He thought of the three pieces of leftover pizza he had consumed earlier.

He thought about the contents sloshing around inside him. Bile rose in his throat and he clamped a hand over his mouth.

Geoff saw a flash of colour run past him into the downstairs bathroom. He thought nothing of it until he heard retching and sobbing.

Concerned, Geoff peered into the bathroom. He watched as Awsten leant against the wall and cried into his knees.

Geoff sat down beside Awsten and wrapped an arm around his shaking frame.

Awsten leant into his husband and tried to calm down. Geoff ran his fingers through Awsten's fading blueberry hair until the blue boy had to pull away to empty the rest of his stomach contents out.

"Ok sweetheart," Geoff murmered. "You're ok." The brunette rubbed circles on the small of Awsten's back as he spewed and shook and shivered.

The smaller man leant back into Geoff, sobbing. He felt disgusting. He knew Geoff was only looking after him because he had to; they were married, it was his job.

He doesn't care.

Awsten brought his hands to his face, sobbing quietly into them. Geoff slid his arms around Awsten's skinny waist.

He doesn't mean it.

Shaking his head softly Awsten's cries grew a little louder.

He doesn't love you.

With a loud shout Awsten leapt up and ran out the bathroom. Shocked and confused, it took Geoff a while to stand up and follow after him.

The upstairs bathroom was locked when the brunette reached it. After trying the handle he eventually gave up, leaving Awsten to sit on the cold floor covered in vomit and tears.

The younger sniffed and lowered his hand from the door handle. Geoff left before Awsten could open the door.

He really didn't care.

-

Awsten shut off the water and stepped out the shower. A large white fluffy towel sat on the edge of the sink, ready to envelop him in a warm hug. He wrapped the fabric around his bony shoulders and scooped up his puke covered clothes with a grimace.

Awsten opened the door and walked out into the hallway. Cold air tried to wrap around his frail body but the towel of protection guarded him.

The house was silent. Making his way downstairs, walking fast into the kitchen. It was empty. It seemed like all the rooms were. A plate of toast and a single note sat on the island.

Awsten trotted over and looked at the food. Two pieces of brown toast with melted butter sat next to a post-it.

I have to do another shift, will be late home. Hope you feel better - G x

A single kiss. A small note. Did he even care at all? Awsten honestly didn't care where Geoff was but an extra shift? Really? He should've just said he didn't want to look after Awsten. He didn't blame him though. Why would anyone look after a sick, annoying, fat, dyed blue man?

Tentatively Awsten poked the toast and sighed. He wasn't hungry. He picked up the plate and threw the food in the bin.

Sorry Gee. Awsten thought. Pulling the towel tighter around himself, he felt like he was shrinking into himself, slowly disappearing with every second.

He couldn't breathe. Suddenly the towel around his shoulders wasn't comforting anymore. It was restricting his movement and tightening around him. His airways were being crushed; he felt light headed and dizzy.

His grip loosened and the towel fell. Excited at the prospect of having a new victim, the cold air embraced his naked body forcing shivers down his back.

Awsten's teeth chattered. He wrapped his arms around his torso, feeling the bones under his skin. He could barely feel them, but they were there. Was there something wrong. Shouldn't he be able to feel his ribs? Shouldn't he be able to see them? Awsten felt sick again.

The people he worked with were slim and beautiful. He wasn't. They were proper models. He wasn't. Awsten thought back to the phone call he had received two days ago. His agent had called him to inform him of a job offer; he wasn't sure if he should've taken it.

Awsten let his hands roam over his stomach and down his sides, pinching and pulling the skin.

Fresh tears started to slide down his face, sobs slowly taking over his body. Awsten bent over to pick up the towel before running upstairs to his room. Throwing it in the corner, he flopped onto his bed and curled into a ball.

Within minutes sleep had enveloped his tired body, dragging him down into the darkness.

-

"Sweetheart wake up," Geoff murmered softly. The alarm on Awsten's side grew louder becoming a high pitched whine. The brunette growled and shook Awsten a bit harder. "Babe wake up!" Awsten remained asleep, oblivious to the fact his husband was becoming increasingly more pissed off.

"Awsten get your ass up!" Geoff shouted. Startled, Awsten shot up waving his arms. "What? What's going on?" The younger asked in a blind panic.

"You're alarm's been going off for the past twenty minutes." Geoff told him, crawling off the bed. "Why didn't you just turn it off?" Awsten asked with a yawn. He twisted his torso to flip the switch. The wail was abruptly cut off.

Rolling his eyes Geoff pulled on a shirt and picked up his phone. "I'm late to work thanks to you. Why can't you just wake up? It's not that hard. For fucks sake, can't you do anything right?"

The older man scoffed and left, slamming the door loudly behind him. For the tenth time in two weeks, Awsten was left cold and alone.

-

"Ok I just need you to stand right over there and take off your shirt." The director ordered. Awsten nodded and pulled the soft fabric off his pale body. The shirt dropped to the floor behind Awsten's retreating body.

Standing in place, the blue boy shivered, his hands wandering over the bones protruding out of his skin.

"Are you cold?" The director asked from his chair. Awsten nodded again. "Can we turn the heating on?" The director shouted behind him. "But Sir it's already too warm!" Some blonde with a headset and clipboard replied.

"I don't care. My model is cold and I need him to have perfect conditions throughout the shoot so make it work people!"

Awsten felt bad. He was making all these people do extra just for his worthless ass and he knew he was a burden, all the dirty looks people gave him proved it.

A wave of dizziness washed over him and he had to throw his arms out to steady himself. Cold instantly rushed to his torso again and Awsten wished he had been able to keep the shirt on. It might not have been warm but it was a form of protection.

His ears began to ring and black spots danced in front of his vision. He could barely hear or see but yet he carried on and tried to stand in position.

Awsten felt like he was in the middle of a tornado. The room was spinning. He was falling.

-

"Hey sleeping beauty, how you doin'?"

Awsten glared at his husband and frowned. "Shut up." He muttered. Yawning, the younger looked around and rubbed his face. He was back in hospital. Of course. He seriously needed to stop passing out or there would be questions.

"You didn't answer my question." Geoff pressed. "I'm fine Gee." Awsten sighed, running a hand through his faded hair.

"Are you sure you're...you're..."

"You can say the word fine, you know." Awsten interrupted. Geoff stopped talking and nodded.

"I mean fine is a word that's been used so many times in so many context's that we've kinda become desensitized to it and it's our go-to word," the blue boy continued. "Most of the time we use it as a reflex. We don't meant to it's just automatic. 'I'm fine', 'it's fine', 'it'll be fine'. We end up being worried when someone says they're fine. Especially if they have a history of not being fine.

"If someone we love says they're fine we automatically worry don't we? We start asking them questions and constantly checking on them but, what if they are fine? What if they're honestly fine and are using it instead of ok or alright?

"Sometimes they don't mean it though. If you feel like they don't mean it then watch them but don't make it creepy. Don't ask questions just in case but make sure you always know they're ok. Should we really make people use a different word though? I always try and replace it with the word ok. If I'm not ok I'll say I'm fine but I feel like fine shouldn't be tossed aside. It should be cared for and used normally. People just need to find someone they trust and say they're not ok.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not fine Geoff. I'm really not fine at all, 'cause I'm not fine at all. I don't know how else to say it. I don't know why I'm not fine but goddamn do I want to be. Something is making me not fine and I don't know what it is but it's fucking with my head and I want it out!" Awsten stopped to breathe before carrying on.

"There are voices. Voices that won't leave. I wanna smash a rock over my head and watch the blood and voices drip down my skin and out my head. I wanna put a gun to my head and watch my brains and the voices splatter against the wall. I wanna fall to the floor in complete silence and peace and feel at rest. I want to feel nothing."

The whole time he was talking, Geoff sat there unblinking and unmoving. Awsten might not have known what the problem was but Geoff did. He was the problem. He was the reason his husband was in pain and in hospital. It was all his fault.

He refused to sit and watch, sit and listen to how Awsten wanted out. He wanted out of life because of Geoff even if he didn't realise it. So the brunette left. He didn't want to be the source of anyone's pain. He couldn't handle it. Neither of them could.

"I'm sorry Aws."

-

He was still alone. Geoff hadn't come back and Awsten was cursing the spaces between his fingers where for a time Geoff's had belonged.

Waves crashed against rocks and surged forwards, calming down by the time they reached Awsten's feet. The small man shivered. He wondered what it would be like to stop breathing. To have water flood his lungs. To drown internally.

Awsten closed his eyes and, for the last time, inhaled deeply, breathing in as much air as possible before holding it. He held it for a good few minutes until his head grew heavy. Awsten's body fell forwards, landing headfirst into the water.

Unconscious and unaware, the water lifted Awsten's body away from the shore and life.

Water seeped into his lungs, filling them up and blocking them completely. A small sigh left Awsten's fading lips. His body became still and heavy, dropping down into the darkness of the sea.

I'm sorry but I really like this and imma post it on my main account too. Hope y'all are ok and please give a shit ton of love to that_uk_army because he's my best friend and I love him. If you see this twice then I'm sorry xox