001

My mother-in-law is someone who possesses a great sense of humour; as Mr. F has commented on numerous occasions about the striking similarities between me and his mum, I asked him whether it was because both his mum and I liked to tease him.

In the past, Mr. F had a 'rumoured girlfriend' who happened to be the daughter of his neighbours. As my mother-in-law's greatest joy was to make a fool out of her very own son, she would frequently ask Mr. F hilarious questions, such as "Why don't you go play with my daughter-in-law?"

Initially, Mr. F would attempt to protest his unhappiness, "Don't spread such nonsense."

"Isn't she my daughter-in-law? Or are you telling me you have someone else?"

"That's not true!"

"Well, since you don't have anyone else, she's the only one left to be my daughter-in-law."

"......"

Once, she brought Mr. F out to purchase some clothes for him. As she was deciding between two different colours, she commented, "I'll just the blue one then, since my daughter-in-law ought to like the colour blue."

Mr. F replied in exasperation, "Who's your daughter-in-law? I didn't know you had one."

Subsequently, when I visited Mr. F's home to play, my mother-in-law smelt the scent of a 'secret affair'; from that day onwards, the annual parent-teacher meeting became the event that frightened Mr. F the most. When my mother-in-law saw my mum, she'd be extremely enthusiastic, "I'm going to go have a chat with my in-law."

"Don't!!!"

"Son, you're not going to be able to get the girl at this rate."

Even the perennially busy Mr. F's father found some time to talk to Mr. F, "I'm not entirely opposed to you entering into a relationship at such a young age, but you ought to know where to draw the line."

Mr. F wanted to howl in rage – I'm not in a relationship!! I know where to draw the line!! The one who doesn't know how to draw the line is your wife, not me!!!

002

When my mother-in-law and I discussed the topic of children, I said, "If I ever give birth to a child in the future, I don't need him to be extremely rich or successful. I just hope that he'd be a happy person."

My mother-in-law replied, "Yup. When I was pregnant with F, I thought the same way too. I didn't wish for anything else, and had only one single wish."

"What?"

"My child must be handsome."

"......."

She showed me Mr. F's baby photos, and said, "I always wondered whether I had mistakenly brought the wrong baby home from the hospital."

"Why?"

"How could someone as vibrant as me give birth to someone so dull and introverted?"

"Perhaps...he takes after his father."

"Subsequently, when he attended school, my suspicions grew even stronger."

"Why?"

"How could my son be so good in his studies?"

"......"

She continued flipping through the photographs, and muttered to herself, "But he's such a handsome boy...No one else would be capable of giving birth to him except me."

"......"

003

Mr. F told me that when he was still a child, his biggest wish was to escape his mother's "demonic claws". When I asked him why, Mr. F recalled with extreme grief, "My mother's desire to remain in control is the strongest I have seen in my entire life. Ever since I was young, she would interfere in all my matters, ranging from big matters – such as the school I was enrolling in – to small matters – such as the socks I would be wearing the next day. She would even decide, on a daily basis, the outfit I was to wear that day, from innerwear to outerwear, from head to toe. If I failed to follow her instructions, she would fly into a rage. It's crazily scary – I wonder how my dad manages to endure her antics."

Me: "The manner in which I endure your antics is probably the same manner in which Dad endures Mum's antics."

Him: "......"

Me: "How do you think Mum would react if she knew what you just told me?"

Him: "She would kill me."

Me: "Fantastic! I have already recorded all that you said!!I would be able to blackmail you in the future!"

Him: "......"

004

Mr. F's genius nephew came to Beijing during the summer holiday, and stayed with us for a period of time. Little Nephew was terribly obedient – he would wake up at 8AM every morning, and begin his day by memorising English words for half an hour before proceeding to practise calligraphy for another half an hour.

I asked Mr. F, "Did you follow the same schedule when you were young?"

Mr. F nodded his head, "The children in my family all follow the same schedule."

Enraged, I howled at him, "If that's the case, why do you only manage to wake up in the early afternoon during weekends, and even require me to deliver breakfast to your bed?! What happened to the traditional values and good habits that your family cultivated in you?!"

Mr. F smiled sheepishly, "I can't help it. He who stays near vermilion gets stained red; he who stays near ink gets stained black."[1]

005

I absolutely adore Little Nephew. Whenever I'm out shopping, I would always purchase delicious food or interesting toys for him.

One day, he told me in all seriousness, "Please stop buying things for me."

I asked him why.

He replied, "Even though I really like the things that you buy for me, I always feel that I'm devouring the elderly[2]."

I spat out a mouthful of water. My dear child, that really isn't how the phrase 'devouring the elderly' is used......

006

After Little Nephew and I familiarized ourselves with each other, he finally confessed some of his inner thoughts to me.

"There's a girl in my class who has a habit of stealing things."

"Ah?! What did she steal?"

"She stole a lot of things! My student card, my homework, my keys......"

"Wait a minute...... Does she take stuff from everyone, or does she only take your stuff?"

"She only takes my stuff."

Tickled, I laughed aloud. "The little lady probably likes you!"

Little Nephew's face reddened, "She's...... she's always doing something odd."

"Is she pretty?"

"I don't think so, but there are many male students in my class who like her."

"Do you like her?"

Little Nephew fell into silence and refused to say a single word, his face reddening even further. After some time, the mature Little Nephew propped his cheek up with his tiny fists and let out a long sigh, "But...... I'm worried that she is unable to keep up with my pace."[3]

I spat out another mouthful of water and gave Mr. F the side eye, "The children in your family all think the same way?"

Mr. F hurriedly asserted his innocence, "I don't."

007

Little Nephew asked me, "Why do you and Uncle F not want any children?"

Me: "Well...... It's because both Uncle F and I are extremely busy, and we have no time to take care of little children."

"But you take extremely good care of me."

Having heard that, I felt a sense of motherly gratification. Thus, I told him, "If I have a child next time, you must take care of my child in the same way that I take care of you."

"I promise!" He hooked his pinky finger with mine before continuing, "I'll definitely shower your daughter with lots of love and care."

"Why is my child a daughter? Why can't it be a son?"

"My mum told me that daughters are more similar to their fathers. Thus, you must definitely give birth to a daughter who's similar to Uncle F."

I nearly forgot that this fellow has an Uncle fetish......

008

In all honesty, I often feel a great sense of pity for Little Nephew. Little Nephew never ever experienced a wanton, carefree childhood. Instead, his childhood was packed to the brim with innumerable tuition classes and stacks of books which were so thick they had to be transported using a luggage.

Little Nephew once told me in secret that he loved to stay with me. When I asked him why, he replied that it was because staying with me was extremely fun. My house was akin to a child's heaven – You want to eat in bed? OK! You want watch television whilst lying down? OK! You want to procrastinate and complete your holiday homework only on the last day? OK! You want to eat fries from McDonalds at 11PM? OK! You want to write love letters to pretty female classmates? OK!

Mr. F told me in an aggrieved tone, "You're spoiling him. At this rate, he's going to transform into a chaotic Demon King."

I replied, "Do you want to interview the chaotic Demon King? I'm sure he leads a more blissful life compared to the bookworm."

Why are adults so focused on training their children into a typical factory-produced model product at the expense of sacrificing the creativity, imagination and independent thought process of the children?

[1] He who stays near vermilion gets stained red; he who stays near ink gets stained black is a Chinese saying which means that people will inevitably be influenced by their surroundings – thus, if you always hang out with good company (vermilion), you would be influenced into becoming a better person. Here, Mr. F is hinting that Joey is black ink (i.e. a bad influence on him), and has caused him to gradually lose his good lifestyle habits which he had cultivated when he was young.

[2] Devouring the elderly is Chinese slang which refers to young adults in China who are unable to earn an income sufficient to sustain their own lifestyles. Thus, these young adults have no choice but to rely on their elderly parents to fund their lifestyles and habits.

[3] Keep up with my pace refers to the ability of one party to progress simultaneously with the other party, such that they'd always be equally accomplished. Here, Little Nephew is expressing his worries that the lady would be unable to be an overachiever like him.

009

Every single time we return to our parents' home for Chinese New Year, the entire family would engage in a common recreational activity – mocking and laughing at me for failing to understand how to play Mahjong. In their eyes, my inability to play Mahjong is highly embarrassing and shameful.

Every Chinese New Year, the Mahjong table would be set up the moment the family has finished eating their meals, and four people would flock to the table and seat themselves down. Conversely, I'd be left to sit at the sofa by myself, and would have to shoulder the responsibility of entertaining the children. That was how my friendship with Little Nephew was built – when all the adults were busy playing Mahjong, I was the only one who remained by his side.

Little Nephew asked me, "Why don't you play Mahjong with them?"

I replied, "It's because I want to accompany you. Otherwise, you'd be extremely bored."

A certain fellow who was sitting beside me mercilessly exposed me, "It's because she's stupid."

Me: "...... I just can't be bothered to learn."

A certain fellow: "If you're not stupid, your learning ability must be extremely poor."

Me: "......"

Mr. F's Mother: "Don't bother about him. Come and play after we finish this round."

A certain fellow protested instantly, "No way. If she joins us, there's no way I'd be able to recoup her losses regardless of how many games I win."

Me: "......"

010

We attended Jonathan Lee's concert together. The concert was titled Since We're Unable to Stop Our Youth From Fading Away. Ah, what a sorrowful title.

At the concert, Old Jonathan cracked a couple of jokes, "Everyone, sing along with me. Although...... the person whom you first heard this song with is no longer the same person who's currently at your side." The entire audience erupted into laughter.

On the way home, I asked Mr. F which of Mr Lee's songs did he like best. After giving it some thought, he replied, "I Really Do Love You. When I was in England studying, I never mustered enough courage to listen to this song."

Instantly, my imagination went into overdrive. I pictured a young Mr. F all alone in a foreign land, and when it was deep in the night, he would turn on the music and the song lyrics would flow out.

Ever since I met you, I suffered for love

I couldn't avoid it no matter how hard I tried

You became the most beautiful miracle in my life

I think I really do love you

Upon listening to these lyrics, tears would start flowing out of the youthful Mr. F's eyes.

Having conjured up the above scenario, my heart started to ache for Mr. F.
"Does the song express your heartfelt thoughts?"

"Yup."

"You must really hope that I would sing this song to you, right?"

"No."

"Ah?"

"When I listen to this song, I simply think about the various ways in which I can force you to sing this song to me."

"......"

My dear friend, couldn't you just continue the scene like how normal people would? It's very difficult for me to continue acting when you wilfully change the script at your own pleasure.

011

My company organized a recreational trip to Thailand. Since Mr. F was coincidentally on break for one week, he grabbed his luggage and toddled to Thailand with me.

This fellow was an extremely boring person – no matter which country we went, he neither visited the tourist attractions nor took any photographs, and his activities were all conducted within 100km from the location of the hotel. The moment he sat down at a café, an entire afternoon would be gone before I knew it. When I asked him to go for an elephant ride, he refused on the grounds that it was dirty. When I brought him to look at the temples, he would say that he was non-religious. When I asked him what he would like to eat, he would think about it extremely seriously before replying, "I want to eat water cooked meat slices [1]......" Ah, I truly had enough of him.

However, since he followed me all the way to Thailand, I simply couldn't bear to leave him behind at the hotel. As a result, I cancelled all my schedules. When he woke up the next morning and saw that I was still in the hotel room, he asked, "Where are you going today?"

I replied, "I'm not going anywhere, I'll accompany you."

His face lit up with joy, and he brought me to the café below for some coffee.

When my colleagues returned after spending the entire day outside, they found us sitting at the café face to face. He was reading the newspaper whilst I was rushing my drafts. My colleague shook her head and said, "You two must be the most boring couple in history."

Nonsense! I'm clearly an extremely fun person! It's all his fault!

[1] Water cooked meat slices is a Chinese dish that originated from the Sichuan province. Joey's exasperated because Mr. F isn't adventurous enough to try Thai food although he is in Thailand.

012

I have discovered that Mr. F's intellect varies in accordance with his mood; when he's in a good mood, his intellect would drastically decrease to become that of an infant's.

Whenever he heads out with me, his mood would be terribly good – thus, he would transform from Mr. F to Little Friend F. Last night, Little Friend F experienced a Thai massage at the hotel, and was extremely relaxed from head to toe. The moment he returned to our hotel room, he grabbed my hand and insisted, "Go and learn from the Thai masseuses, then you'd be able to give me a massage every night after I return from work."

Grinning from ear to ear, I replied, "Sure! I'll quit my job straightaway, and report to work at the hotel tomorrow. As training, I'll massage 100 other people first."

Instantly, he flew into a rage, "No way! How could you offer massage services for other people!"

Me: "But aren't you the one who wanted me to learn from others?"

Peeved, he thought over the idea for some time before sighing regretfully, "I guess we'll have to scrape the idea then, so you don't have to learn anymore......"

Satisfied, I smiled and turned off the lights in preparation for sleep. After a while, I suddenly said, "I think I ought to treat you better."

He asked, "Why?"

Me: "It is everybody's duty to care for people with mental disabilities."

013

Hanging out with Mr. F has one great advantage – there's absolutely no need to use maps, as this fellow's brain has an internal GPRS system. Thus, it doesn't matter where we go, as this fellow would always manage to accurately find a way back to the hotel.

One day, when I was accompanying my colleague to a night market, both of us somehow managed to lose our way, and were reduced to staring at each other helplessly. I whipped out my phone, "I'm going to ask my guide dog."

My colleague was extremely surprised, "You brought your guide dog out?"

I nodded my head, and sent Mr. F a message. Within two seconds, Mr. F's voice message rang out, "You lost your way again?"

My colleague doubled over in laughter. From that moment on, my colleague's shining and amazing impression of Mr. F was entirely destroyed. Our daily conversation gradually morphed into the following manner:

Her: "Why didn't you bring Mr. F out for a walk?"

Me: "He's sprawling at the café."

Her: "You must remember to take him out frequently for walks."

Me: "No worries. I even bought a Frisbee recently so as to enable him to play by himself."

...... At present, a certain fellow is still kept in the dark. If this fellow were to find out, I think he'd murder me without hesitation.

014

Since I was in Thailand, my colleagues and I decided to watch a gay performance. When I asked Mr. F whether he wanted to join us, Mr. F shook his head, "I have no interest in males."

I raised my eyebrow at him, "Oh? So you're interested in females? I suppose you must have taken the opportunity to admire other females whenever I'm not around."

He replied coolly without flinching, "I'm only interested in admiring my woman. Come home early."

Ah, this fellow's reaction time is way too short – I can never ever defeat him in verbal battles.

When I was in a restaurant having a meal, I spotted an extremely beautiful lady. As such, I whipped out my mobile phone and secretly snapped a photo of the lady. I sent the photo to Mr. F with the captions "Look at the great beauty!"

Mr. F replied, "The one who's snapping the photo is even more beautiful."

I stared at the screen of my mobile phone, a silly smile etched on my face. On noticing my strange reaction, my colleague sneaked a peek at my screen, and proceeded to whack me violently without a moment's hesitation. "I can't believe you said that Mr. F never ever engages in sweet-talk! He's clearly an expert amongst the experts!"

015

Mr. F always has various odd things which he continuously persists in. For instance, whenever Mr. F catches a cold, he would staunchly refuse to take any medication as he sincerely believes that he'd get better simply by drinking more water and exercising more.

"You have been sneezing for the past week! Would you just hurry and eat your medicine?"

"I won't eat any medication, I'd definitely get better." He replied calmly whilst wearing a face mask.

Another week had passed. Mr. F's still sneezing continuously.

"I'm going to drag you to the hospital if you're still going to refuse to take your medication."

"There's no need to bring me to the hospital, I'd definitely get better."

Another week had passed. Mr. F still obstinately refuses to take his medication.

When I asked him why he refused to take his medication, he replied, "My Grandmother is a doctor."

"So?"

"Ever since I was young, she always told me that all medicines had side effects. The human body has a natural immunity system – thus, one would definitely get better so long as one drinks more water and exercises regularly."

My palm instantly connected with his face, "Did your Grandmother also tell you, that if you don't listen to your wife you're going to die a horrible death?!"

016

I awoke on Saturday as a result of my hunger pangs. I recalled that I had some cheese left in the fridge, and asked Mr. F whether he wanted some. Mr. F nodded his head in response.

I asked Mr. F to get the cheese for us, but the lazy bum refused to move, instead suggesting a round of 'rock paper scissors' in an attempt to offload the task. I lost the game, but I too, didn't want to get out of bed as well. In the end, the two of us lazed round for ten minutes before finally deciding to simply endure the hunger and return to sleep.

Mr. F let out a long sigh, "I suppose it's time to give birth to a child whom we can order around......"

A crow flew over my head as my hyperactive imagination went into overdrive, and I started picturing a scene in the future when my child asks me innocently, "Mummy, why did you and daddy give birth to me?"

Answer: Because Mummy and Daddy are too lazy, and we need someone to do the household chores.