Fiona parked the car outside Grove Road. She looked in the rearview mirror at her sleeping children. She felt the raw lump of emotion rise in her throat and the sobs began to take form.

She wasn't sure if she was crying for the loss of Jilly, for Emlyn's loss, sheer exhaustion or that Oliver had left her for the weekend.

She allowed herself to succumb to the tears. She sat watching the rain on her windscreen noting that the weather matched her mood.

David parked his motorbike behind what appeared to be Fiona's BMW. He was about to go straight into Grove Road when he peered into the car and saw Fiona crying.

Fiona nearly jumped out of her skin when David tapped on the car window and motioned for her to let him in.

She wiped the tears away and unlocked the passenger door.

"You ok?" David asked. He could see plainly that she was not.

Fiona rolled her eyes. "Nope." She managed to say between sobs.

"Oh Fi." David took her hand and squeezed.

This made Fiona's tears and sobs accelerate. Oliver should be here. She missed him. She was barely coping with him. Now she had to face the loss of her friend alone.

David looked around the car and noticed the sleeping children. He had seen Matilda before. She had her mother's features and her father's colouring. She was so cute. The big pile of messy curls around her face. Gripping her Teddy Bear for all she was worth.

He saw the new baby. He had a great head of blond curls and long dark eyelashes. He looked like a shrunken version of Oliver.

"Wow, Fi your kids are cute huh?" David stated.

"Thanks." She managed between sobs that were now beginning to slow.

"This is going to be a tough couple of nights," David admitted. 

"Poor Emlyn." Fiona began to gain control of her breathing. The lump had gone from her throat. The effort of the tears made her feel even more exhausted than before.

"Sure. Poor Jilly. When did you see her last?" David asked. He had heard from Bill that Fiona was suffering from baby blues.

Fiona looked at her reflection in the car mirror and was horrified. "I saw her two weeks ago. She looked better than I do now! Look at the state of me!"

"You look fine! Nothing that a cup of tea and some sleep won't cure. How's the baby?" David also heard that Henry was quite poorly.

"A loveable little shit. Don't be fooled he doesn't sleep for any longer than an hour and he is awake every 2 hours to be fed. He had a bit of pyloric stenosis. We took him to a clinic. Well to be fair Oliver cracked. Called in a favour and we had him reviewed by the Consultant at Guy's."

"Surgery?" David asked.

"No some medication for now. If that doesn't settle him then surgery."

"Where is the frog?" David could not believe that Oliver had left Fiona in that state with two small children.

"Copenhagen. At a conference. Presenting his paper on nerve blocks for lower extremity elective orthopaedics." Fiona answered. She blew her nose on her handkerchief.

David looked around the car. His sympathy with Fiona grew. "So he ups and leaves for the weekend and you are here with them to support Emlyn."

"I am not sure what support I will be in truth David," Fiona admitted.

Fiona noticed that neither she nor David had let go of their hands. She allowed herself to look at him. The pang of her heart never absent was like a gong that night. Sat in her car. With the rain battering down on the windscreen.

She had a U2 mixtape playing quietly in the car. With or without you began to play.

She looked so small and worn out. Her eyes were piercing into him. He wanted to kiss her. Taste her lips again. Comfort her.

Fiona moved closer to David and stroked his cheek. "I always think of you when I hear this song. It reminds me of when we split. I thought my heart would never heal. That was when I started to feel anything again. I went from being numb to overwhelmed when l was in treatment."

David gathered himself. Her touch was driving him wild. He felt a need for her that hadn't experienced for anyone for a very long time."How was the treatment?" 

"I was there for 3 months. It was horrible and great at the same time. I was about 6 weeks in when I had a session with my therapist..." Fiona looked out of the window recalling the events. She was searching for the right words to describe it to David.

David sat rooted to the spot. He wanted to know what had happened. He wanted to know how she had gone from a shell to the magnificent woman he saw in her Wedding photographs. Why did she pick Oliver? How did that happen?

"It hit me then that I had lost the love of my life. That I had lost you." Fiona admitted

David's heart was pounding in his chest. He fought the urge to kiss her.

"The pain was so acute that I had to have some cardiac tests to ensure that I wasn't having a heart attack. I grieved for you. I mourned us and our baby. Oh, I wanted to die. I could not live with the pain. It was a crushing horrid pain." Fiona spoke quietly.

"Fi. I didn't know...." David was overcome. 

"I have never told a living soul apart from you now. I owe you an explanation, David. I had no right to just up and leave but I was so traumatised."

"God Fiona I loved you so much. I wanted this with you so much." David looked at her children and at her again.

"I know....I wanted it too. So I had a lot of therapy. I refused medication. I talked it out. I felt so numb and then so overwhelmed that I had to find some balance. It was then that I was given this."

Fiona leant into her glove box and dug around to the back and pulled out a dog-eared piece of paper which she handed to David.

David leant into the light from the street lamp and read the following

Sit in the sun without anything to do, feel the heat of the rays hit your skin, realise that this sunlight has travelled a very long way to reach you
Walk around barefoot and try to feel as much of the ground under your feet as you can, notice every rock and blade of grass
sit quietly for a while and notice the touch of breath in your nostrils, feel how the air gets cooler as you inhale and warmer as you exhale
Drive around aimlessly and blast some of your favourite songs, scream/sing along to them and feel the vibrations of your favourite lyrics as they change the air in your throat and around you, feel that the music is healing you from the inside out
Stay away from alcohol or drugs for a few days, try to be as aware and present as you can in every moment, stop trying to numb or dull your senses
Eat a few meals without any distractions, notice every bite and taste every flavour that covers your tongue, be grateful for it all
Look up at the stars and the moon, understand how small we all are and how immense the universe is, realise what a miracle everything is, let your heart swell with amazement and awe

Fiona watched his face whilst he read. He still was as handsome as the day she met him. His youthful features now more defined. She allowed herself a quick daydream about how great a lover he had been which then quickly made her breast milk begin to leak.

"So you left treatment with this?" David asked.

"I did. I keep it to remind me that I can never be in a place where I want to kill myself." Fiona confessed. She had read it every day for the last six weeks.

"Oh, Fiona. I am so sorry you were left feeling that way." David could not believe she had told him. 

"David. It wasn't your fault. It took the court case and the therapy for me to realise that I was just unlucky. Talking of which, that is why I went to Jersey. My family were great just so very hurt and angry. I needed a new start. The Hospital in Jersey kept in touch and they gave me a role in Quality and Audit."

"Sounds riveting!" David hated audit.

"So I went there and lived alone in this lovely holiday cottage. Every day I completed the list. Every day I would come home from work take off my shoes and walk through the grass to the beach. I would take some food. I would read a book and I would wait for dark and watch the stars.
One night I was walking back from the beach. I hadn't noticed a group of people coming towards me. They were from the hospital. They were having a beach barbeque. As I walked through them a hand touched mine. I looked up to say sorry and it was Oliver."

"He always was a Lucky bastard." David laughed.

"He was so shocked he actually fell over! I helped him up. He asked where I lived and could he call on me some time for a date." 

"So you did." David asked. He could not believe she was there so long before Oliver got there. He chided himself for not following his urge to go to Jersey the first time and find her.

"No. I said no. You can call around as a friend. Not interested in any romance. Anyway, bless him he spent three months coming to see me every night he was free. He would walk with me to the beach. We would eat food. Read books and watch the stars."

"After three months of that Fiona, I would shag him!" David confessed.

"He was very patient. He still is. He is a good man David. Like you." Fiona looked at David and confirmed his thoughts. Fiona was with a man who looked after her.

Fiona left out telling David that she cried for the whole night after she and Oliver made love for the first time. He held her and listened and soothed her.

"The Wedding was quick then?" David asked.

Fiona smiled for the first time that night. "He wanted the whole shebang in France. I wanted something small and intimate. So we married in Jersey. On the beach."

"You looked great. Radiant. I saw your pictures." David confessed

"Far from the woman beside you now!" She laughed. "So you and Suzie?"

"Similar. Suzie helped me after you left. After 12 weeks of fucking anything and I mean anything with a pulse she was there."

"Where you doing it like you were out for revenge?"

"Yup!" He laughed. David omitted to tell Fiona that he went on a self-destruct mission after she left. He wrecked his bedroom. Drank every night for 3 months. Suzie called his mother in Boston to come over. Just in time as he was about to be removed from his job.

They both staged an intervention. They spoke with the medical deanery and David had an intensive 3 months of therapy to help him get over his trauma.

"Oh, lucky girls! You were always a great lover David. When you and I had angry or makeup sex Jees Louise." Fiona fanned herself and looked down at her top. "The thought is making me leak breast milk."

"Oh God Fiona! You are the best lover I ever had. The nights I have had ..." David confessed. He watched the breast milk leak onto her top.

"I get it! Anyway marrying frost knickers?" Fiona quickly had to change the subject and stop her milk from leaking.

"After a while, it just felt right. I had lost you. She was there. The meaningless hook ups had lost their charm..." David admitted

Any jealousy  Fiona had ever felt towards Susie disappeared forever after that. Fiona understood that Suzie adored David and he had simply acquiesced.

"So big do?" Fiona smiled

"You know it was. We were in Hello magazine for fuck's sake!"

"I know. I cried when I saw it. I felt so jealous." Fiona admitted.

"I have never stopped loving you," David said quietly. "The day I got married my mother said that there was no shame in marrying number 2 if number 1 was gone forever. "

David let his ardour cool. He let Fiona's hand go with a small kiss.

"I will carry Mattie and your things into the house if you get the baby."

They both scooped up the children took them into the house and knew that a chapter had closed for both of them. The blanks had been filled in.

Emlyn had brought Jilly home to pass away her last days in Grove Road. He had Jilly placed in the old living room.

After David and Fiona's arrival, Emlyn allocated them upstairs bedrooms and ran back down the stairs to be with Jilly.

Fiona changed Mattie and Henry into their nightclothes. Mattie woke up briefly and Fiona told her where they were and if she needed anything. She set up the baby monitor and took her turn in the all-night vigil.

Fiona brought all of Henry's things and set up in the day room next to Jilly in case Henry got noisy or needed feeding.

David walked into the room and sat next to Emlyn. He brought a cup of tea and some cake that Nikki had made with him.

Jilly was asleep. Her breathing was shallow and fast. He could count her ribs from the doorway she was so thin.

Emlyn dropped some fluid onto her dry lips that Jilly unconsciously swallowed. David knew by Jilly's appearance it would be hours not days that she would have left on earth.

David nudged Emlyn to take some tea and eat.

Emlyn nodded and silently ate whilst David took Jilly's limp hand and began to talk to her.

"Hey Jilly, you would love tonight's party. Nikki and Dan are in the kitchen feeding everyone. Heather and Bill will be here soon. Their little rascals will be with Nikki's, asleep or pretending to be asleep. Richard and Lyn are on their way. Lyn's Olivia and Hannah are gonna be bossing those boys around. Fi is here with her kids. Hey lady it's all because of you."

Jilly squeezed his hand gently. He thought he saw a brief smile appear across her face.

"You know I think Fiona has one of her mixtapes with her for you. It will no doubt be full of terrible music. I will make sure that she doesn't put it on."

Jilly squeezed his hand again.

"My mix tapes are superb. Knock it off Boston!" Fiona entered the room and smiled warmly at Emlyn. She kissed and hugged him and then she walked around the other side of Jilly and lightly kissed her. Fiona sat down on the chair beside her bed and took her other hand.

"I have made a tape that reminds me of you Jilly. You were the second person I met in this house. You kept my secrets. You guided me and I want to let you know how much you mean to me."

Fiona looked across at Emlyn and he nodded for Fiona to place her tape on the stereo.

Fiona let go of Jilly's hand and placed her tape on the deck

The tape played all through the night rotating through

Queen You're my best friend
The Rolling Stones Wild Horses
The Beach Boys God Only Knows
Tom Jones Green Green Grass of Home
The Who Fantastic Journey and Tommy
Jimmy Hendrix The Wind Cries Mary
Elton John Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
Led Zeppelin Going to California
David Bowie Starman
The Beatles Across the Universe
Dusty Springfield If you go away
Creme Sunshine of your Love
The Kinks Sunny Afternoon
The Animals House of the Rising Sun
Manfred Mann Pretty Flamingoes

During that night in the middle of Across the Universe Jilly took her last and final breath on earth.

All her friends were with her. Singing, crying, hugging and celebrating the life of a unique woman.

Fiona helped Emlyn call the undertakers. When they had been Fiona, Lyn and Nikki stripped the bed and washed the area.
Someone placed a pink rose on the bed during the night.

David woke suddenly from his sleep with a start caused by the small blond child staring at him.

"Mattie! You nearly gave me a heart attack!"

"My brother told me to come and get you."

"Who Henry the baby?" David sat up trying to get his brain to work.

"No, Joseph. He said to tell you that he and Jilly are in the day room and that you should come down and say goodbye to Jilly."

"Mattie where is your mom?" David asked.

"Feeding Henry in the day room." Mattie explained

"OK missy, let's go and find your mom." he stated.

Matilda ran on ahead. She was babbling away to someone. She turned around.

"You look like my brother. You are his daddy aren't you?" Matilda stated.

"Matilda you need to be careful telling anyone that information. They might think you mean Henry." David was astonished.

Matilda looked back at David confused.  "You are not Henry's daddy. My daddy is silly!"

"Silly indeed!" David trundled down the stairs and walked into the day room.

Fiona was fast asleep with the baby attached to her left breast feeding away. She was bathed in a golden light from the street. She looked so serene, so wonderful that he was taken aback.

Matilda pointed to the light.

"Jilly and Joseph are in there. They wanted to stay for a while. They are waiting for Emlyn to wake up. He will be here in a minute and then Steve is coming for them both."

"Who is Steve?" David asked Matilda.

"Jilly's ex who died," Emlyn said softly. Standing beside David.

Matilda took Emlyn's hand and walked him to the light. "She is there T'Uncle Emblyn. Look she is smiling. She isn't skinny anymore."

"Good. What is she saying, Matilda." Emlyn asked.

David looked between Matilda and Emlyn not sure of what to say or do.

Emlyn returned his look with a shrug. "I will take anything at this stage David."

"She says that you are the best." Matilda turned to Emlyn.

Emlyn sagged into David's side.

"They are going!" Matilda jumped up and down clapping and smiling.

The strangest thing happened and both David and Emlyn weren't sure if they really saw it.

Three lights moved from the main beam of light. They buzzed around the room and moved to the ceiling and disappeared.

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