───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: [ Constantly ] Okay, Jen, I can't believe I'm saying this again, in only two years of friendship, but please put the gun down.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: Did it hurt?
          JEN: Did what hurt?
          JOSH: Breaking through the earths crust ascending from hell.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          LARA: I told you to do something about the raccoon living in the base!
          JOSH: I did!
          JOSH: I named her Jennifer, and she likes coco puffs.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          LARA: We need a ruse.
          JOSH: You had me at ruse.
          LARA: That was the last thing I said.
          JOSH: Well, good thing you said it.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          CHARLIE: Jen and Jasmine broke up.
          JOSH: !!!!!!!!
          CHARLIE: How did you say that out loud?

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
          JEN: Ew. Pump the brakes, Joshua.
          JOSH: Because I'm terrified of you and what you'll do to me.
          JEN: Oh, that's sweet.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: Come on, Scraps. This movie isn't that scary.
          LARA: JOSHUA HAYES!!!
          JOSH: Now that's scary.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: Uhh... guys? What does a pregnancy test look like?
          LYNN: Like a thin piece of plastic with a thing on the end of it.
          JOSH: [ Taking a gun out of Jen's bag ] Okay, so this is definitely a gun.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: Half of the time you're like "hee hoo I love my friends, I love tea, I love fun socks, what a simple life I lead" and the other half of the time you're like "I'm going to eat nothing except crack cocaine and draw Barry B Benson porn"
          JEN: I have never drawn Barry B Benson porn but for the low low price of $20 that can change.
          JOSH: [ fear ]

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: You're cute when you get angry.
          JEN: [ glares ]
          JOSH: But not when you're angry with me.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          LARA: We'd rather Josh die than open the portal!
          JOSH: I...would not rather Josh died.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: Can you take me to the shops to get a dress?
          CONNOR: Okay. First of all, I'm so glad you felt comfortable enough to come to me with that, and you know what? If this is something you want to explore-
          JOSH: Oh, it's not for me. It's for Jen, but you handled that very well.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JEN: What are you doing here?
          JOSH: I should ask you the same question.
          JEN: This is my bunk.
          JOSH: I should ask you a different question.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          DAVID: I tOLD SCRAPS I'D COOK DINNER FOR HER BUT I CAN'T COOK HELP
          JOSH: [ pouring milk directly into the cereal bag ] And you thought I could help?

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: I love disasters.
          EMILY: Self love is a healthy thing.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JEN: Come with me.
          JOSH: Uh, no. I'm never doing anything blindly with you again, I learned that at the Mexican border. Twice.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          ANNE: How long have you been in love with Jen?
          JOSH: That's disgusting. And wrong. I don't even get – why would – I've never been in love with anyone, anywhere. It's none of your - you have - the nerve, the audacity - Jen is my friend, technically. And she is terrible, face-wise. And how - how do I know, frankly, that you're not in love with her? Maybe you are. Maybe you're trying to throw me off. Hmm, check and mate.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          FURY: The information you're about to hear is top secret. Unauthorized publication or leaking of this information would be an act of high treason, for which you would be tried and convicted by a secret military tribunal and summarily executed. So no, Agent Hayes, I don't think a selfie would be appropriate.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: [ about Jen ] I'm gonna be honest, I have feelings for this girl, and I don't know what feelings.
          JOSH: But concern is definitely one of them

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JEN: You're losing blood. What's your type?
          JOSH: [ bleeding out ] Blond, muscular, good at fighting-
          JEN Your blood type, Joshua.
          JOSH: Oh, I don't know.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          HILL: What. the. FUCK. happened.
          JOSH: You want the short or the long?
          HILL: Short I guess
          JOSH: Long story short I'm alive, Charlie's alive, so it all worked out
          HILL: More detail. Now.
          JOSH: I continued to breath the entire time, Charlie only stopped breathing for a few seconds
          HILL: Longer.
          CHARLIE: I ACCIDENTLY ALMOST DROWNED TO DEATH AND JOSH REFUSED TO GIVE ME MOUTH TO MOUTH SO IM PRETTY SURE I LITERALLY MET GOD OR SOME SHIT BUT ITS FINE
          JOSH: I wasn't wearing socks you can't kiss the homies without socks on
          CHARLIE: SO YOU WERE GONNA LET ME DIE DUMBASS
          HILL: Are we ignoring the fact you almost drowned?!?!?
          CHARLIE: Potaytoes potahtoes

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: Look Connor, I caught that guy who works for Hydra.
          CONNOR: Nice work.
          JOSH: Thanks dad.
                    [ Everyone stops what they were doing and stares at Josh ]
          JOSH: Why is everyone staring at me?
          STEVE: You just called Harper dad. You said: thanks dad.
          JOSH: What? No, I didn't. I said: thanks man.
          CONNOR: Do you see me as a father figure?
          JOSH: No! If anything I see you as a bother figure cause your always bothering me.
          TONY.: Show your father some respect!
          JOSH: I didn't call him dad!
          CONNOR: No, no, no, no. Joshua, I take it as a compliment.
          LYNN: It's not a big deal. I sometimes call Lara mom.
          JOSH: Guys jump at that! Lynn has psychosexual issues!
          TONY: Old news. But your calling Connor daddy...
          JOSH: Daddy is not on a table here!
          RANDOM HYDRA AGENT: But you did call him dad...
          JOSH: You shut up! You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
          RANDOM HYDRA AGENT: All right, all right, I was lying about not knowing who Pandora was. But the "dad" thing- that happened.
          JOSH: AHA! He admitted! It was a trap! All part of my crazy, devious plan.
          CONNOR: I believe you...
          JOSH: Thank you!
          CONNOR: ....Son. Wanna talk about it later over a game of catch?
          JOSH: ...I'd like that.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          FURY: Tell me about Jennifer Carlyon.
          JOSH: [ taking a drag of his cigarette ] Ah, the one that got away.
          FURY: You are a prison guard! None of them should get away!

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: Sorry it took me so long. I broke down on the way here.
          CLINT: Oh, is your car okay?
          JOSH: Car?

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          COULSON: What do you know about Croatia?
          JOSH: It's full of crows. And it's in Asia.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

BENJI: [ Sweet and innocent, after being dragged along to a day out with Anne and watching the gang get up to their usual shenanigans ] What is wrong with this friend group?
          JOSH: [ Tired, done with his friends' shit ] You'll probably need a psychologist on that one.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JEN: Don't worry. If the bad man comes, I'll protect you.
          JOSH: If the bad man comes, I'll bravely give out a high-pitched scream to distract him. I may even bravely faint, to give him a false sense of security. That will be your signal to strike.
          JEN: We make a great team.
          JOSH: Just don't forget to stand in front of me the whole time.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: I'm a nice person. I only threw a child in a trash can once.
          JEN: Please tell me you didn't actually throw a child in a trash can.
          JOSH: I did.
          JEN: ...Was it Anne?
          JOSH: It was Anne.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: Fine... I admit it... I need an appointment with a doctor.
          ANNE: Oh, thank god, finally. How about eleven tomorrow?
          JOSH: No, I just need one
          ANNE:

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: [ While texting Connor, sends a voice message ]
          CONNOR: [ Texting back ] I'm a little busy, is it urgent?
          JOSH: No, don't worry, just listen later.
                    [ Later ]
          CONNOR: [ presses play ]
          JOSH'S VOICE MESSAGE: THERE'S A FIRE-

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: [ Sobbing ] It's just so beautiful how much they love each other!
          FURY:
          FURY: This is a commercial for a refrigerator.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you're succeeding!
          JOSH: Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          FURY: [ smacking bread onto both sides of Joshua's head ] What are you?
          JOSH: A snack
          FURY: No

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: [ drunkenly singing in a concert, to the rest of the Academy ] Now you sing!
          JEN: How 'bout you sing?! That's what I paid for!
          JOSH: Alright... Tough crowd

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JEN: We're like Batman and Robin.
          JOSH: If Batman and Robin were poor and engaged in petty crime.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          ANNE: Hey could you recommend some books that make you cry?
          JOSH: Advanced Behavioural Science, Volumes I — IV.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          FURY: Well, then, we've got to find a way to cut down on expenses. What can we live without?
          JEN: Probably Hayes.
          JOSH: :(

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          CONNOR: I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me.
          JOSH: Okay, but in my defense, Jen and Anne bet me a $5 that I couldn't drink all that shampoo.
          CONNOR: That's not what I wanted to-
          CONNOR: You drank SHAMPOO?

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          ACADEMY LECTURER: You were supposed to hand in an essay on current events.
          JOSH: Yeah, which I did.
          ACADEMY LECTURER: No. This is today's newspaper with your name written on top, in crayon.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JOSH: My #1 desire is to be left alone, my #2 desire is to not feel alone, and my #3 desire is to learn skateboard tricks

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

          JEN: So what did the paper in your fortune cookie say?
          JOSH: [ Eating the entire cookie ] The what in my what?

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────