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          DANIEL: I used to think to myself, "How could another person kill someone?"
          DANIEL: And then I met Jen and I was like "oh okay".

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DANIEL: I'm busy.
SCRAPS: Do you think drinking thirty-six cans of redbull consecutively would make my senses more heightened or would I just die?
DANIEL:
DANIEL: I'm on my way.

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DANIEL: In my defense, I was the one telling them to stop hitting!

[ like ten minutes ago ]

DANIEL: [ watching Josh and Charlie fight ] Stop hitting! Kicking hurts more!

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DANIEL: For the last time, Charlie and I are just friends.
LYNN: [ sneezes ]
LYNN: Apologies, I'm allergic to bullshit.

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DANIEL: i don't have the energy for this.
KENDRA: the energy for what?
DANIEL: [ gestures vaguely ]

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JEN: The doctor said I only have 4 days to live.
CHARLIE: You're sick?!?!
JEN: No, he just doesn't like me.
DANIEL: [ Shouting from the other room ] I'm gonna fuck you up on Tuesday!

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[ How Daniel got his job with S.H.I.E.L.D ]

DANIEL: Well, sir, you'll be pleased to know I've officially found an absolutely foolproof method of determining if someone is truly evil.
FURY: And that is?
DANIEL: If they don't like Scraps, they're evil.
FURY:
FURY: You're hired.

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DANIEL: [ Pointing at the Science Gang ] These are my emotional support morons. I did not ask for them. I did not want them.
KENDRA: And now?
DANIEL: I still don't want them.

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DANIEL: [ To the Science Gang ] Alright, listen up you little shits.
DANIEL: [ To Scraps ] Not you, Scraps. You're an angel and we're thrilled you're here.

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DANIEL: This is so frustrating! I hate everything! I hate everyone!
SCRAPS: [ voice cracking ] Everyone?
DANIEL: [ sighing ] Everyone but you.

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DANIEL: I would kill for you.
CHARLIE: I know, Danny.
DANIEL: You just tell me who you want me to kill and I'll do it.
CHARLIE: ... okay.
DANIEL: [ slides a picture of Jen across the table ] Seriously, Charlie! Anyone. Just give me the name.

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DANIEL: I'm sorry to hear about Jen.
CHARLIE: What happened to Jen?
DANIEL: Nothing. I'm just sorry I have to hear about her.

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DAVID: My daughter is going to have so much fun hanging out with you! But I also know that if anything happened to me, you're responsible enough to take care of her.
DANIEL: Wait. That's what a godfather does?
DAVID:
DANIEL: I mean, I knew that. I can handle it. But just real quick, what's a good book on parenting that you could recommend?

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DANIEL: [ Meeting the Science Gang ] Oh shit! You guys are kids! I have to watch my damn mouth around you little bastards!
SCRAPS, KENDRA and ASHLEY: [ Gasp ]
DANIEL: I mean... oh shoot.
DANIEL: I gotta watch my damn mouth around you little bastards.

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LYNN: [ To Lara ] I love laying my head on your chest when you're sleeping so I can hear you breathe.
DANIEL: [ To Charlie ] I recorded you snoring so you can hear how fucking loud you are and why I can't fucking sleep.

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DAVID: Do you like Daniel?
CHARLIE: Sure, who doesn't?
DAVID: Over half the people that meet him.

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DANIEL: Hey, you think I can get this egg into that jar without it cracking?
CHARLIE: No.
DANIEL: [ throws the egg directly at Jen ]
DANIEL: Guess you're right.

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DANIEL: When I say "I understand," it doesn't mean I understand. It doesn't mean I agree. It doesn't even mean I'm listening.

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[ Texting ]

DANIEL: I'm here to help...
JEN: Wait.. you? Help? Me??
DANIEL: ...your situation to be worse :)))))

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BRUCE: Where's Scraps?
DANIEL: I thought I heard her tiny mouse feet pacing outside the lab.
DANIEL: But that could have been some mice

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DANIEL: When in doubt, whip it out... 'it' being hydrochloric acid.

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DANIEL: I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are
DANIEL:
DANIEL: Actually it's gonna bug me if I don't

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STEVE: Okay, I've called you all to this meeting because some of us don't seem to get along
DANIEL: Jennifer and I are literally the only ones you called here

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DANIEL: Hey, Carlyon! Jennifer!
JEN: What?
DANIEL: Try this coffee and tell me what it tastes like.
JEN: Okay.
JEN: [ Drinks the coffee ] Hazelnut?
DANIEL: I don't know, I found it in the garbage.

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DAVID: [ suggests something ]
DANIEL: Look we all have something to bring to this discussion and right now the best thing you should bring is silence.

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DANIEL: As president of the Scraps fanclub, I decree that today we are all going to go around in a circle and say something we admire about Scraps. Our Vice President has requested to go first.
KENDRA: [ clears throat and pulls out list ]

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DANIEL: [ Sitting on a bench looking sad ]
JEN: Hey, what's up dude?
DANIEL: Come sit on this bench, and I'll tell you
JEN: [ Sits on the bench ]
DANIEL: This bench is freshly painted

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DANIEL: I hate to say "I told you so"...
CHARLIE: No, you don't. You would marry "I told you so" and have a baby with it and buy adjoining burial plots.

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DANIEL: Ten years ago today, I married my best friend...
DANIEL: Charlie's still really mad about it but me and David were drunk and thought it was funny.

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DANIEL: [ having a conversation with Scraps and Kendra ] Bloody hell, S.H.I.E.L.D really is going through something, huh?
CONNOR: language, Doctor Choi
DANIEL:
DANIEL: I'm 41.

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