CHAPTER THIRTEEN - I DON'T WANT TO LIVE FOREVER

There were stages.

You know, like there are stages for grief.

I did wake up, much to my disappoint, and I felt empty. I think the shock of it all was causing me to not feel anything at all - and I didn't realize it at the time, but that was a blessing. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't leave the bed unless I absolutely had to. I stared at the wall in silence, almost waiting for my body to give up, because God knew I had no hope left.

The next stage was when I felt everything. Anger, sadness, helpless, confusion, dread. I was a ball of emotion, crying and destroying things wherever I went. One minute, I was angry and the next, I was bawling my eyes out. I remember pleading for the emptiness, the numbness, to come back, but it didn't. 

The stage after that was the worst. This stage was complete and utter depression. It hit me as hard and as fast as a cement block falling onto me. It was so overwhelming and it was so painful that I couldn't take it anymore. 

I crawled out the bedroom window and I climbed up the stack of logs against the house and onto the roof. 

On my feet, I looked out at the trees, momentarily feeling invincible. Because for once, I had control of what happened next. I was in control of this very moment.

But, this wasn't my end. This is not where I die. 

I made the step to topple off that roof and fall to the ground, but Maurice had alerted Roarke in his office about what was happening. He came running outside, his shoulders stiff. He slowly moved forward until stopping in the grassy area below me. 

"Chloe."

I flinched at the sound of my name.

Then, I cracked a sad grin. "You're going to catch me."

"Yes."

My hand came up, lightly touching my injured neck. The bite mark still stung whenever I touched it. It was just a reminder of what was to come. "I don't want this."

"I know," Roarke said, softly. "But, you don't get to leave me." My bottom lip started to quiver as more tears pooled from my eyes. He noticed the hesitation, the need for peace, on my face and he quickly spoke up, "What's your favorite food?"

I was startled by his question. 

"Tell me your favorite food."

"Why?"

"Because, I still have so much to learn about you," he responded, shaking his head. "And, I thought that we had this silent agreement that you would give me time, so I can know you better." The moment in the bathroom came to my mind, shortly after the first attack. "So, I can figure out how to make you happy."

"You can make me happy by letting me go," I told him, before glancing at the awaiting ground. "Or, letting me fall."

There was a flicker of hurt in his eyes. "I can't let you go. You're going to be enduring your first transition any day now. You're going to need me - without me, it will be extremely painful and you will most likely hurt somebody. You don't want that, do you?"

"You're right," I murmured, stepping backwards. "It's decided then."

Instead of falling forward, right to where he was standing, I abruptly fell backwards off the other side of the roof. There was a brief moment of my stomach knotting and a weightless feeling rushing through me. 

Roarke was fast - I should've expected him catching me, no matter where I fell. When I landed in his arms, his relief was instantly replaced by rage. "Stop this!"

He angrily carried me back into the house where Maurice was nervously waiting. As soon as she saw me in his arms, safe and unharmed, she sighed in relief. 

Roarke dropped me onto his bed, barricaded the single window with heavy furniture, then stomped out of the bedroom, locking the door behind him.

About an hour later, I heard a familiar voice in the hallway, arguing with Roarke. I tiptoed over to the bedroom door, pressing my ear against the wood to eavesdrop. 

"You are keeping her here for the wrong reasons," Dr. Burnett said, harshly. "They are not the same."

He growled. "I know that."

"Really?" she retorted, her tone surprising me. "You failed your sister - and now, you've come across a woman who resembles her. So, you feel this need to protect her, to care for her, because in a way, you consider this your second chance. You can't tell me that none of this has to do with Luna."

"Her resemblance to my sister caught my attention, yes," Roarke admitted, irritated. "But, I truly do care for her. You need to keep her alive."

"You cannot simply force someone to have the will to live," Dr. Burnett replied, almost appalled. "I believe this is her second suicide attempt since she's been here, isn't it?"

He wasn't happy. "You will keep her alive."

"She does not want to live," she told him, quietly. "After everything she's been through, I don't blame her. I understand you want to save her, but this is not the way."

"There is no other way," he argued, his voice rumbling the door. "I have chosen her as my female. She must be strong. She must survive this." I bit my bottom lip, my heart pounding in my chest. "It's hard enough on me knowing that I wasn't here to save her. I could've prevented this and I have to live with that."

"And, she has to live with what she is now?" Dr. Burnett responded, questionably. She awaited a response from Roarke, but he didn't say anything. "She wasn't adjusting to our ways when she was human - she certainly won't adjust as one of us. The odds are against her."

"I can help her."

"The problem is, is she doesn't want your help," she said, taking the thoughts from my mind. "And, with all due respect, you are anything but gentle - and she is fragile. She needs gentleness. She needs love. This environment isn't for her."

He growled once again. "If you're suggesting that I let her go - "

"I'm suggesting that you think of what is best for her," Dr. Burnett interrupted, trying to get her point across. "And, think of her needs." 

"What she needs is help," he told her, bitterly. "And, I can give that to her. I'm an Alpha. I'm the best help she can get. I'm also her male - I should be taking care of her."

There was a moment of silence. "I hate to say this, but Chloe was turned by Julius Monclaw. I know you understand the risks of what that means. You should consider the possibility that her mind is no longer with you."

A loud snarl caused me to jump.

"Julius Monclaw will be dead in a matter of days," Roarke stated, seriously. "He is nothing, but a thoughtless Alpha who made the mistake of coming after us." 

"I have examined Chloe's injuries, but I have yet to sit down with her and figure out her mental damage," Dr. Burnett said, carefully. "So, I haven't been able to cross out the possibility that the bite affected her mentally. We both know that there are cases of - "

"Not her."

"Listen to me," she demanded, impatiently. "There is a reason why humans are only turned by wolves who have chosen them as mates. The bite can create a sense of dependency, of loyalty, between the two. Chloe might be feeling that towards Julius Monclaw. That's why I need to sit down with her."

There was a rumble from Roarke. "That's not necessary. He will be dead soon and she will have me."

"If you kill him, and she does indeed have a bond with him, it will destroy her," Dr. Burnett warned, angrily. "She will feel it."

"I'm not letting him live," Roarke told her, flatly. "I will grant him a fast death in honor of my sister."

Dr. Burnett wasn't having it. "Let me sit down with Chloe before you kill him. I need to make sure there is no bond - "

"Go home," he ordered, the floorboards creaking. "I will take care of my female from here." 

I had heard enough. I scampered back to the bed, curled underneath the covers, and closed my eyes. I resembled Roarke's sister, which explained why he took me from the alleyway. And, there was a chance that I had a bond to Julius Monclaw. All of this was fucked up on so many levels.

It wasn't until a couple hours later that Roarke returned to the bedroom and relaxed next to me on the bed. His hand rested on my hip and he breathed in my scent. There was a silence, one that I was grateful for, but it ended when he spoke.

"Something has changed in you," he started, oblivious to my lack of caring. "What you are going through - it was going to happen in time. I was supposed to turn you when you were ready." 

I frowned.

"It wasn't supposed to happen like this," he continued, quietly. "And, it should've been me. He took that from me." My stomach was knotting inside of me. "Even though he did this, I really need you to live."

"I don't want this," I repeated, for the millionth time. 

Roarke stiffened. "It's not so bad."

My eyes started watering. "When I was seventeen, I watched some werewolves massacre a family. I was hidden and I couldn't move without being caught, so I had to stay there and listen to the children scream. When I was twenty, I survived an attack by outrunning this other woman named Sandy. When I was twenty-one, I was almost dragged into some type of slavery among werewolves."

"When you found me, you had members of your pack kill my friend. Since I've been here, I've been attacked twice," I told him, not meeting his gaze. He inhaled sharply and I sunk farther down into the mattress. "I will not be a werewolf."

He was quiet for a minute. "I can't watch you die."

"Again?" I added, finally turning to look at him. "I'm not your sister. I'm not Luna. This is my choice - "

"I know you're not her," he interrupted, harshly. "Have you been eavesdropping on my conversations?"

I looked away. "It doesn't matter."

He released a frustrated growl. "Don't you realize that if you survive this, you're going to be so much stronger? So much faster? You won't be weak - "

"Just like you wanted," I said, recalling the celebration of us. "You said that you were going to kill this 'version' of me, that you were going to corrupt me. You said that I wouldn't survive in this world if I remained weak and you needed me to be strong to survive you."

"Not like this."

"Of course not," I responded, angrily. "Not by Julius Monclaw, but like you just said, this was going to happen eventually. You were going to ruin me. He just beat you to it." 

"You're not ruined," Roarke told me, his tone deepening. "You have the choice of what kind of werewolf you want to be. You can be kind. You can be caring. You can keep your hands clean of blood. You can be the same person you've always been, just a stronger, faster version."

I pondered his words. "If I can control the impulses, if I can fight the behavioral changes, if I can survive the pressure from your pack. So many ifs."

"You can."

I went silent as my thoughts overwhelmed me. Roarke nudged me in alarm, wanting to hear the next words out of my mouth. 

"I wish you killed me in that alleyway," I blurted, startling him. "You should've killed me." A rumble came from his chest as he wasn't happy with what he was hearing. "Because, if I do survive this, I am going to be stronger. I am going to be faster. And, I might just be powerful enough to defeat you and get my freedom back." 

He growled, his hand tightening on my hip. "Don't forget what else I said that night - don't ever try to challenge me when I make you strong."

"You aren't the one who has made me strong, though."

I almost shrieked when he flipped me onto my back, forcing me to look up at him. His dark eyes were swarming with anger. "A challenge against an Alpha means a fight to the death. It doesn't matter if I'm your male - if you challenge me, I will have to kill you."

"I'm not afraid," I told him, bravely. "Freedom is all I've ever wanted here. And, in my mind, freedom could be the peace of dying or the peace of being on my own again."

His eyes narrowed. "This is just part of the transition. You're getting cocky because you know you're becoming powerful - "

"Since I've been turned by an Alpha, does that make me more powerful?" I interrupted, just trying to piss him off. I had finally found the courage to speak up for myself. "Maybe I should ask Julius. After all, I could have a bond with him."

In a matter of seconds, Roarke was rolling off the bed with a roar, flinging the nearest pillow at the wall. On the inside, I was satisfied as he began pacing at my feet, shoving his hands into his hair. "You do not have a bond with him. He is nothing to you."

I sat upright, raising an eyebrow. "You sound jealous."

Roarke paused, looking at me. He took a deep breath, then jabbed a finger at me. "I know what you're doing. When you start thinking clearly, I'll be back."

I was relieved when he turned around and walked out of the bedroom, leaving me alone. 

I think that was our first official fight as a 'couple'.