"Then I saw your face, your forgiving eyes
Looking back at me from the other side
Like you understood me
And I'm never letting you go, oh."
....

What's the point of having friends?

I think about it often.
And not just friends, companionship in general. I learnt in school and…from the world generally, that humans are social beings. We are programmed that way, we're meant to want companionship.

And then I also hear from a lot of places that us as humans are meant to be able to be okay alone… by ourselves. We're told that we shouldn't ever depend on others for our happiness and we should always live in a way that if everyone we had decided to leave us all of a sudden, we should be fine and we should be able to go on normally as if nothing happened.

Which should I believe? Or rather, which should I follow?

For once, I want to look within myself. I want to think of what I really want, irrespective of whatever the fuck is going on around me. I won't consider the circumstances, I won't think about experiences that I've had. I'll just think about what I want, what my heart craves.

My heart craves connection, real genuine connection. I want to have at least someone that I can always talk to, someone that I can be there for and who'll be there for me as well. I want to have someone who I can talk about anything with without getting bored, without caring about how much time has passed when I'm with them.

I want to have someone to tell me and make me feel like I'm special, like I'm so valuable and if I decide to leave, it will hurt them so badly. I want to feel relevant to someone. I want someone who will see all the sides of me, the beautiful and the ugly and still love me regardless.

I want someone who, even when they know it's unhealthy, they'll still need me, they get attached, they become addicted to me. Someone who will constantly tell me and show me how much they love, someone who will make me feel like I'm worth it, like I'm worth fighting for, worth getting jealous for, worth crying for, worth staying up all night thinking for. I want to have someone who will make me feel like I'm enough.

That's the honest, vulnerable truth. Whether anyone thinks it's healthy or right or good for my mental health, I don't care. We only get one life and that life isn't long enough. Lemme make the mistakes, lemme get hurt, let me learn bitter lessons, no problem. I just want to be loved and I want to be loved as much as I love.

***
“No no no!” Albert screams as he presses down violently on the buttons of the controller in his hands. “This is why we barely won whenever we played with Felix!”

I'm trying my best. Fighting games are not my thing. Heck, gaming in itself is not my thing. I just agree to play it because it's addictive and I want to win. Not like I ever do but whatever.

“Dude I'm trying! These guys are fucking good, I can't get past their defense. Are they using voodoo or something?” I press down on the buttons and flick the joysticks around violently, feeling beads of sweat appearing across my forehead.

“You’re too slow, goddamit! Move faster. Duck!!!”

One more strike…and I fall to the ground and the game turns black and white, giant blocks of letters in red that spell out defeat comes up on the screen afterwards to taunt us.

Like we can't already see my player's dead body lying on the ground.

Albert throws the controller in his hands on the table and proceeds to give me an expressionless stare.

“What the fuck dude…”

I drop the controller on the table in front of me.

“They were unnaturally fast…” I murmur, folding my arms in front of me and refusing to give him eye contact. His intense gaze pierces through the side of my head.

He sighs in resignation and picks up his phone.

“You are so useless in the gaming world.”

“Just like you in the friendship world,” I fire back, looking at him with a smirk.

The light of his phone shines brightly on his face in the darkness of his living room. I can see the lines and lines of words that he scrolls through reflecting on his glasses.

He turns to face me indignantly and places a hand on his chest in feigned shock.

“Well, considering you're the only friend I have, that's also an insult to you.”

“At least I have something stupid like a curse to blame it on,” I say with an eye roll and he chuckles.

“Fair point.”

“I hate you.”

“Oh, you hate me? That's alright, that's totally fine. I hate you too,” he adds with a smirk and I laugh lightly as I suddenly get the reference.

It's something Conan said once in an interview. Albert knows a lot of stuff about Conan, not just because I couldn't stop yapping about him back then but because Conan is just generally a really real and relatable guy. And of course, he's really funny.

Even if you don't fuck with his music, you'd like him from his personality and Albert watches a lot of Conan edits so I'm not surprised he knows about that one.

“Speaking of Conan, you know his tour for his latest album Found Heaven is close right?”

I smile. Albert and I attended Conan's last tour for his last album Superache. It was awesome and we had such a good time and I've been looking forward to seeing him live again so I was really excited when he announced the tour and the tour dates.

Unfortunately, it was announced towards the time when all my friends hated me and I know I could still go alone and vibe with other coneheads but it just didn't feel so appealing anymore. I knew the experience would be ruined with me thinking of how much a friend could be here with me.

It would be cool if Albert and I went to this one together. The venue closest to us was just a state away and it fell on a Saturday which was perfect. And according to the tour dates it was like a month away.

“Yeah, I'd love to go. Just…don't have anyone to go with.”

“Oh come on you idiot, I'm right here.”

“I was just making sure,” I say with a laugh. “It'll be cool if we went again. And I really want to see him sing some specific songs live, for example Never Ending Song. He has to do the little dance in the end.”

Albert nods with a laugh. “It'll be cool to see him do that live to be honest.”

“So…what do you say, we buy tickets?”

“Asap.”

“Awesome!” I say, unable to hide my enthusiasm and Albert only chuckles.

“The only other person I know you're that excited to see is that friend of yours, Star.”

My face, my shoulders and my entire mood drops at the mention of her name.
Damn, I hadn't thought of her in a while. And it felt so good not to.

“Hey I have a great idea,” he says as if not noticing the sudden shift in my mood. “She likes Conan too right, why don't you invite her?”

I wave my hands in the air for him to stop. “Woah, woah, woah, this is the girl I'm supposed to be getting over remember?”

He rolls his eyes at me and gives me a stare that I'll give a dense child.

“I'm trying to say you should go talk to her, make up and see if things will work out. You've spent considerable time away from her, now you need to go back for clarity. Get tickets for her and give her as a surprise. I'm sure she'd love to go. Trust me, if she still likes you, this will be perfect.”

I mull over it for a moment.

So we're just gonna forget about the curse.

“You know what?” I begin as I take a deep breath. “Fuck it. Fuck this stupid curse. Fuck Eliza. Fuck everything. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go out and be with the girl that I love. Fuck life. I deserve to be happy."

“Yeah that's what I'm talking about!” Albert says amidst cheerful laughter and I can't help but join in the laughter.

For real this time.

I'm letting go of everything holding me back. Life is short and from today onwards I'm gonna start doing things that make me truly happy. And I know just where to begin.