"That's just the way life goes
I like to slam doors closed
Trust me, I know it's always about me
I love you, I'm sorry."
....

I take a sip of my steaming latte and sigh as the hot, brown liquid runs down my throat.

God I missed coffee.

She's truly my girlfriend and although she is a bit toxic, she's also sweet and would always be there for me no matter what. That's why I love her.

A few more minutes and sips later, and I already feel the gears in my brain spinning. I'm never going to make the mistake of having excess of it again. I really do need it everyday and I can't risk making my anxiety or insomnia worse.

I'm scrolling through my phone as I sip my coffee in silence when the door to Callum's café opens and someone walks through. I lift my head up slightly, like I do whenever I hear the small jingle of the bell on the door.

I set my reusable paper cup down slowly as I take in the sight of Star as she stumbles into the café. The sun is shining brightly and its rays fall into the café through a side window, casting its light across some tables and a portion of the floor. As she strolls to the counter, the sun reflects on her face so I can barely make it out. She doesn't seem to see me.

I wait for her to order and watch her patiently as she does. She saunters back from the counter, her eyes trained on a table at the other end of the café. That’s when I call out her name.

She whips around, almost dropping the cup of coffee in her hand. Her eyes widen slightly as she sees me and a faint smile tugs at her lips before she walks over.

“Hi Jordan. I forgot you come here,” she says, pulling back a chair opposite me and taking a seat. She drops her phone and her coffee on the table before leaning her head on her hands and taking a deep, shaky breath.

“Well, I was taking a break from coffee,” I reply with a chuckle.

How didn't I notice her appearance before?

Her unbrushed hair is pulled back behind her head in a really messy bun, her eyes look puffy and red and have lost that usual fieriness they always have. She always dresses really casual but today it's a different type of casual. It's like homeless causal instead of cool casual, if that makes sense.

“Are you okay?” I blurt before she can say anything.

She blinks, probably just surprised by that abruptness of the question and not really the question per se.

“Why do you ask?” she murmurs, taking a sip of her coffee and gagging a second later.

I hold back my laugh.
“You look terrible.” I clamp my hand over my mouth immediately. “Sorry, no I meant–”

“It's fine. I know…” she says with a chuckle that doesn't really match the sadness in her voice.

“What's wrong?” Then I gasp. “Did anything bad happen with–”

Shit I totally forgot.

“Yeah. My best friends they…broke up with me?” She laughs slightly, taking another sip of the coffee like it's alcohol and she desperately needs to get it into her system to feel better.

My heart drops at this news.

“But you talked to them. You apologised–”

“Apologies don't always equal forgiveness, Jordan. And…besides, it was kinda my fault.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, taking a sip of my warm coffee and pushing my chair forward.

“They…told me that the only way we'd keep being best friends was if I stopped hanging out with you.”
She doesn't meet my eyes as she speaks.
“And I tried to explain to them that you were a good guy and it wasn't your fault–”

“Wait...you told them that?!”

She nods meekly.

“And you chose me?” I ask like she just admitted to choosing the devil over God.

“No…I tried to explain that we could all be happy tog–”

“No no no. Star why the fuck would you do that?”

Her eyes widen at me.
“What?”

I run my hands through my hair and take a deep breath, my heart pounding in my chest as thoughts swirl through my mind.

“Star…you had to choose between your best friends, who you've been with for a really long time and me who you've barely known. And you just–”

“I didn't get to choose yet,” she says quietly, her voice shaking and my heart breaking.

“Star, you don't get it. Why would you even think about this?!”

I can see her eyes gloss over as she fights to hold back her tears.
“Because I care about you. And I don't want to lose you too.”

My heart is pounding in my chest at a very abnormal rate as I stare at her.
“Your best friends are more important.”

“What if they're not?”

“What do you mean by that?” I sputter, the butterflies in my stomach fluttering wildly.

She drops her face into her palm and takes in a shaky breath. At least I hope that's what she's doing. I hope she isn't crying because if she is, I wouldn't be able to take it.

“I mean I really like you Jordan. Being with you makes me happier than I've ever been with anyone else. And…I love my best friends but, yeah…”

“Star–”

“Jordan, please…I need you to understand me,” she says as she begins to cry.

Fuck.

I bite my bottom lip and drag my hand through my curls.

She has no idea what those words mean to me. She has no idea the effect she has on me. God, I like her so much. Maybe a little too much…and if I was to follow my heart blindly, I could even decide to do some things as stupid as running away with her, destroying all her friendships, I wouldn't even care about anything just so I could be with her.

But I can't. I have to use my brain, we both do. We can't just ruin all the other parts of our lives just because we like each other. Yeah, feelings could make you think that you could and it'll be fine in the end but it really wouldn't.

She's known her best friends for a long time. I don't even know if the other people in her life would approve of me being with her. I don't think I'm good enough for her, or even anyone for that matter. And these things…relationships, they're complicated and could get really serious. And I don't think I'm ready for that. I'm not ready to be that vulnerable. I don't even think I could be. And most important of all, I don't want to hurt anyone because I know I will.

Heck, I've already caused her to lose her best friends. This is what I feared. And I know her best friends leaving her -even if it's definitely terrible- isn't the worst thing in the world but still. It could and will get worse. Like a domino effect, it's how it always is.

And I care about her so much not to allow that. I can't do this to her.

“Star…I'm sorry. But…I have to make the decision for you.” I take another sip of my lukewarm coffee and let out a shaky breath.

“What?”

“I'm not…going to be the reason you lose your best friends,” I say, my heart breaking with each word. “So, I'm going to choose for you.”

“Jordan, what are you saying?” she says, her voice growing alarmed. It gets increasingly difficult by the second and I almost back out but then I refuse to think of her feelings, or mine. I only focus on doing the right thing.

“I'm saying I'm choosing for you. Go and get your best friends back. They don't want me to hang out with you so it's gonna be like that.”

“I should go back?– Jordan, what are you–?”

“We can't hang out anymore…”

“Jordan, calm down,” she rushes out as more tears stream down her face. “Wait, we could talk about this.”

“You should leave.”

She doesn't budge, instead she sits there trying to tell me to wait, begging me to rewind. I can barely hear what she's saying through the ringing in my head. I'm struggling to keep myself together. I swallow to release the tightening in my throat.

I know I'm hurting her, very much. She has potentially lost her best friends and now she's losing me. It seems unfair but I know I'm doing the right thing.

I get up shakily and rush out of the café, my vision beginning to get dizzy.

I'm not gonna have a panic attack.
I'm not gonna have a panic attack.
I'm not gonna have a panic attack.

“Jordan, wait! Please…” I can hear the break in her voice as she yells.

I turn around hopelessly and stare as she runs towards me.
“Can we talk about this, please?” she sobs as she looks up at me with her adorable doe eyes.

I bite my bottom lip and look away.
“There's nothing to talk about, Star. Please, just make this easier for both of us.”

“Jordan…?” She looks so desperate, so vulnerable, so broken. I honestly don't know how I haven't broken down yet at the sight of her like that to be honest. It takes a lot of strength not to reach out and wrap my arms around her and hold her tightly because I know that if I do, I might change my mind about the whole thing.

“Yes?” I manage. I run my hands roughly through my hair and let out a sigh of frustration.

“Can you just tell me why?”

“...Everyone I love would get hurt,” I say tightly. She looks up at me, her eyes never leaving mine, begging me to stay and urging me to continue.

“That's why I can't get close to anyone.”