Hiraeth - (n) a homesickness for a home you can't return to, or that never was. It's a word on the Welsh language without no direct translation.

1649 words. Warning: triggering material & sadness.

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Vikk's POV

Rushing through the streets of London was both difficult and loud. Street artist sat on a stool or on the ground with guitars or other instruments in their hands, people were rushing around to catch buses, trains or getting to work in time. Hearing a scream I stop my pace, walking around the corner. A mob of people were surrounding a few men. 6 men. I gasped as I saw their faces. Simon, Josh, JJ, Ethan, Tobi and Harry was standing just outside my work building. Unless I wanted to be late I had to get through the mob. Simon who was a head taller than most the girls in front of me, apparently saw that a worker was trying to get in their building.

He hushed the excited fangirls and fanboys in front of him and told people to move out the way so I could get inside. All eyes on me, a girl gasped, rushing forward to me. "Excuse me?" I asked as she just stood in front of me, staring at me wide eyed. "Vikk?" She whispered, in complete disbelief. Taking a step back I said a loud thank you and fled inside the building. I felt their eyes trained on me as I hit the button for the elevator and stepped in as soon as the doors opened. Taking a deep breath, I sacked together from my previous straight posture. Rushing out the elevator I headed for my desk, getting ready for a day of work.

About two hours later the main receptionist walked up to my desk, her heels clicking softly on the hardwood floors. "There's six men in the meeting room on the floor below that want's to meet you" the woman smiled at me "Thanks Cathy, anything specific they wanted to discuss? So I know what I should bring" "No, but grab your stuff in case" I nodded and Cathy walked back the way she came, down to ground floor.

Grabbing my iPad and a remote for the screen in the meeting room I waited for the elevator and went down a floor. Greeting my fellow coworkers on the way I reached the meeting room quickly. Opening the door I was met by the six faces from this morning. Screaming inwardly I closed the door behind me, sitting down in the chair at the end of the table, gesturing for the guys to sit down three on each side, facing each other.

"Gentlemen, why are you here today?" I went the professional route, the guys looking at me with surprised faces. "Vikk, is it really you?" Harry asked, wide eyes looking at me. "Hello Harry" I responded, a smile lighting up his face. "Boys, unless you're here to talk business I have work to get back to" I comment. "We're so sorry, can we at least meet up for a coffee sometimes to just talk?" Josh asks and I nod. Getting up and opening the door for the guys, they file out silently. "Vikk" Tobi said and I turned around facing him. "Yes Tobi?" He gestures for the guys to keep walking and I tell them how to get to the elevator. As soon as they've turned the corner Tobi wraps his arms around me. Surprised of his actions I stiffen, but slowly wrap my arms around him.

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3 weeks later

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Walking into the quaint cafe I walk up and order a latte, sitting down in the booth. Sipping my cup slowly I watched people rushing by outside. They're all going somewhere because of some reason. I resurface from my thoughts as the bell jingles. In they come with an additional Calfreezy. Taking a deep breath I watch as they order and retrieve their drinks one by one, Harry, spotting me and walking over. "Hello" I say as they sit down. "Wow your voice is so much darker" Cal says and I shoot him a soft smile. "It felt natural, I work with a gaming company professionally and no one takes a businessman with a squeaky voice seriously" I respond.

"Vikk, why did you run away?" Simon asks, seeming demure but curious. The guys quieted down, all wanting to know why. "Stress... Was one of the main things. I used to live in an inhumane way. You guys only saw the best of me" I murmur out, my eyes meeting Simon's blue ones. Even JJ was quiet and I took a deep breath, continuing. "I was insomniac and nocturnal. I was awake from about 9 am to 5 am a normal day. On top of that I was never able to handle the hate. I was depressed, hell I still am" I responded. "I tried to get help as a 16 year old, but nobody listened and nobody understood. I practically lived off of the statement 'Fake it until you make it'" I commented. Picking up the cup and raising it to my lips I took a gulp of the warm liquid. "Why didn't you tell us?" JJ asks, a serious and solemn expression on his face. "I'd rather have it destroy me than bothering any of you" I replied with a small smile. Reaching for the bag I had brought with me I took out the notebook bound with brown, well used leather. The Japanese kanji symbol for darkness imprinted with dark ink into the brown leather.

I handed it over to Josh, knowing that he'd be careful with it. "There's pictures there, and my new phone number is there too, call me if there's anything you're wondering over" I say, meeting Simon's intense stare. "What does the sign on the front mean?" Tobi asks, looking over Josh's shoulder. "It's the Japanese kanji sign for darkness" As soon as I finished my sentence Cal, who was sitting right next to me, threw his arms around me. "I'm sorry I never noticed" He commented, his voice thick with emotion. "It's okay, I hid it and had been for a few years when I got to know you guys" I shot a weak smile to the men in front of me. Josh gasps and the group shift their attention to him. I meet his saddened gaze, realizing quickly what he'd seen. "Can we head somewhere more private, I don't have anything to do until Monday, so that leaves the rest of today and tomorrow. I'll tell you myself and show you" I bite the inside of my cheek, knowing that this was going to be it. Two days and then no more.

We head off, back to the sidemen household. The guys walk in, I hesitate on the doorstep. There's so many memories from here. So many amazing ones, but there was a lot of bad ones too. In a way I missed it dearly, but on another page I was thankful for my entirely own space. Stepping inside, closing the door behind me I undressed myself from my outwear clothes, a hoodie and skinny-jeans clinging to my short and still thin frame. If anything, it was smaller than before. The guys we're all sitting in the kitchen and I almost jumped up and sat on the counter top, climbing up on a stool I sat down, waiting for the inevitable question coming from Josh. "Did you really?" He asks, staring right at me. I nod swallowing thickly. The rest of the guys stare at either me, or Josh's concerned facial expression. I nod and slowly remove my hoodie, letting them see the true me. Rows upon rows or scars, diagonal, straight, vertical and horizontal.

I put the hoodie on the stool and sit down on top of it. I'd seen them enough times to know every little bump and every small vein running underneath. Ethan takes one of my hands in his, flipping it over and revealing scars that were yet to heal. Biting my bottom lip I looked down in my lap. In shame? I don't know. Feeling their intense gazes on my skin made me want to crawl into a fetal position and cry, but I sat still, in a way wishing I never left. Simon reaches a hand out, softly stroking his index finger across one of the newer scars. "Did you do this while we were home?" I sheepishly nod, lifting my head just enough to meet Simon's gaze. "I don't know how the fuck we didn't notice, I fucking lived with you" he exclaims, angry at himself. "Si, I've been hiding it from people since I was 16. I knew what I was doing and how I should do it to hide it. But you never asked questions to why I wore hoodies all the time" I sigh and grab his hand, making him relax almost instantly. 

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2 days later

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The newspaper slid inside the small crack, the big bold letters at the front spelling out "Suicide shakes teenagers all across the world" Simon walks up to the door, bends down to pick it up. Swiftly reading over the front page, seeing the sad story line at the top. Turning the pages, he reads the article. The man was identified as Vikram Barn. The last sentence, he reads it over and over again, eventually the situation sinks in. He drops to his knees, sobbing uncontrollably. Josh and JJ hurry out of their rooms, hearing one of their housemates cry. They both rush down the stairs, navigating towards the sound. JJ hugs Simon and Josh picks up the newspaper lying by Simon's feet. He reads the article, his eyes filling with tears as he joins his two friends, letting JJ read the article. 

Sitting crying in a group hug they dial up the Sidemen group chat on skype through Josh's phone. Ethan, Harry and Tobi react immediately seeing their friends crying. Harry asks what's wrong. Josh swallows the lump in his throat and answers "Vikk committed suicide" 

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This oneshot was for FuzzyFeelings writing contest. 

Cover made by the amazing Ella @ew-people go give her some well deserved love.