5/20/17

"YOU DOING ANYTHING this summer?" my coworker, Shay, asks as I clean up my station in the dressing room to make way for the next shift of girls at the club.

She sits down at the vanity next to me in only a silk robe with her curled hair pinned back. She just finished a private and knowing Shay she probably pulled in some major tips. Her long lean limbs and smooth mocha skin makes all the guys go gaga for her instantly.

A chill winds down my spine at the thought of doing a private. I haven't done one since that night three months ago. I've had a few requests here and there since then, but I always found a way out of them. Made excuses to not walk into that same room.

The thought of being in there with a man after what I did makes my stomach twist with uneasiness. The idea of another man touching me, kissing my neck, licking my skin, and making me fall over the edge with perfect hands and dirty words makes me nauseous. I don't even know that man's name and yet he's all I can think about. He's consumed me in a way that scares me. He saw me in a light few have and his dark eyes looked at me like he truly saw me when no one else did.

Like he knew all my secrets after one exchange. It was terrifying and exhilarating all wrapped into one wild experience. An experience that sits under my skin and begs to feel again, begs to be released.

I swallow the memory that heats me from the inside. "No plans yet," I simply say with a shrug. "But maybe, who knows. I think I just need a break from all of this, plus I just graduated," I tell her sliding on my shoes.

"Have you found a job?" Shay questions. A question everyone asks once you've walked across that stage and received your diploma. A seemingly innocent question that stirs inside me with dread and anxiety all warped into one singular fear.

Fear that I won't succeed outside of college. That I peaked and now have a degree and no where to go with it.

My eyes fall to the floor as a feeling similar to shame weaves its way through my chest. "Not yet," I mutter out weakly.

"You will," she encourages with a kind smile. "You're smart and graduated from a great college," she tells me.

The pressure builds within me at her words just waiting to combust. I know I graduated from a good school. I know I have a good degree and background with my classes and internship, and somehow I've never felt more lost. I don't have a set schedule anymore, and I have no set rules to guide me. I've done what no one in my family has, and I'm still somehow a disappointment.

"Yeah," I mumble gathering my things and hiking my duffle over my shoulder. "I'll see you later," I tell her a bit hastily as the need to run away strikes through me. To hide. I hate being seen. I hate people noticing me, and seeing behind the wall I so cleverly leave up. I don't want the pity and the questions. I want to be seen for what I've accomplished.

"Bye," she calls out after me and I know she wants to say more. Shay's a good person with a big heart, but she also knows that right now isn't the time. So she settles on the simple goodbye.

I head out the back door of the club to see the sun rising and the sky coming alive. I pulled a double shift and exhaustion begins to take over because my body is sore from the dancing, sticky from the spilled drinks and body glitter, and overall just completely tired.

My phone rings causing me to jump slightly as I make my way to my car. The rising sun is beginning to lighten the sky and warm the air around me slowly.

I grab my cellphone from the confines of my duffle to see it's my mother calling me. My eyebrows scrunch in confusion as to why she's calling me at this hour.

Worry instantly strikes through my veins and I swipe my finger across the screen.

"Hi mom," I answer quickly as I lean against my car and stare at the warming morning sun.

"Hey," she responds cheerily.

I pause at her relaxed response still tense with apprehension. "Is everything okay?" I question hesitantly.

"Of course!" she tells me. Her words instantly ease the rising nervousness in my blood.

"Why are you calling so early?" I ask still not sure as to why she's calling me at this hour.

"Why are you up so early?" she counters.

I roll my eyes at her attempt at a joke. "I worked the graveyard shift at the diner," I inform her as I set my duffle on the ground beside my feet. I hate lying to my mother about where I work, where I spend my nights. She pictures me serving fries and milkshakes, not serving drinks and lap dances half naked. 

But this job has allowed me to stay financially stable without her help. She would want to help more than she already is if I couldn't make rent one month or afford a textbook. My mother is already stretching herself thin covering the parts of my tuition the scholarship doesn't cover.

My mother sighs deeply. "It always worries me when you pull those shifts," she says expressing her concern.

"I'm okay don't worry," I say waving her off not wanting to focus on my job. Not wanting to lie to the woman who has given me everything. "I'm a big girl now," I tease.

"I know but you'll always be my little girl," she tells me, and I let her words wash over me making me smile. "Have you decided what you're doing for the summer yet?" her question instantly dumps a bucket of ice cold water turning me frigid and stiff against my beaten up car.

I hold in the groan that wants to fly from my lips at her question. "That's what you called to ask?" I question trying not to grind my teeth in annoyance. Annoyance that I'm disappointing her.

"I missed you and couldn't sleep," she replies.

"No, not yet," I admit answering her question. I have spent the last four years with every minute of my life mapped out. My classes scheduled, my internships perfectly timed and arranged, my entire college career has been one calculated step after another. Everything planned out so my future would follow and be everything my mother wanted for me. Everything I wanted for us. "And I miss you more," I add with a sad smile pulling at my lips.

"Not possible," my mother states as if it's a fact. "But I know you'll figure it all out. You know I'm so proud of you. You've done what I couldn't," she tells me her voice thick with emotion.

My skin flushes with a touch of chagrin. "Mom, you can always go back," I tell her earnestly. Her first year into college she got pregnant with me, and ended up dropping out when medical bills started to pile up and she needed a job. She gave up everything for me, and I hate that I'm struggling to show her that it was all worth it. That I wasn't a mistake.

"I know, but it's different. I always said I wanted you to have a better life than me. But I always feared I couldn't give it to you with just me," she admits her voice breaking off at the end.

Tears line my eyes and I have to clear the lump that begins to form in my throat. "You gave me more than enough my entire life," I tell her openly. She raised me through some of her darkest days, but she never let that take away the love she had for me. Gave me unconditionally.

She sniffles weakly. "Well go home and get some sleep I know you must be tired," she tells me pretending she didn't just get emotional over the phone. Putting up her motherly walls to protect me.

"I am," I confess with a small chuckle.

"Drive safe and text me when you're home," she tells me as she always does.

"I will," I agree. "Love you."

"To the moon and back?" she questions the saying we've had since I was a child. The saying that binds our love and relationship and has made us who we are. I may be quiet, but I am strong because of my mother.

"Times infinity," I say as always.

* * * * *

My alarm goes off and causes a protesting groan to escape me. I rotate onto my back to stare up at the ceiling in efforts to calm my racing heart and heated body. My mind races with the hazy remainder of the last few moments of my dream. My skin is covered in a sheen of sweat and my thighs clench as memories of that night haunt me.

I roll over to see it's late in the afternoon and my stomach growls if on cue. I pull myself out of bed letting the oversized t-shirt fall to my thighs as I make my way out of my room and head to the kitchen.

"Maxine?" Hayley calls out from her room as if she's been waiting for me.

"Yeah?" I question back as I pour myself a glass of water. Before looking through the fridge and pondering on what to make myself to eat.

I hear her footsteps and I turn around to see her standing in the doorway of her room buzzing with a bright smile. "Get packing," she tells eagerly.

My forehead wrinkles as I cast a questioning look at my roommate. "Um...to go where?" I ask completely confused about what I need to be packing for. I have a shift at the club tomorrow, I can't leave on an impromptu trip now.

"Easton," she states.

"Wait, what?" I ask taken back.

"We are going to Easton for one last hurrah before summer ends," she tells me as if I don't have a choice in the adventure she has planned for us.

"I still don't follow," I declare with a tilt of my head.

"You, me, Grayson," she states slowly. "A summer full of sun, beach, and fruity drinks at her family's beach house," she lists off with a wide, upbeat grin.

"But what about...." I begin to try and find some excuse on why I need to be here. Besides my job at the club, I have nothing holding me down for the summer.

But my friend cuts in not letting me make excuses for why I don't deserve a summer filled with fun with my best friends. "Neither of us have jobs yet. We don't have any commitments. Grayson doesn't start her job till August anyways. It's perfect," she tells me, almost pleading with me.

I pause as a part of me wants nothing more than to hide out in the familiarity of this city and our apartment until I can figure out the next steps of my life. But maybe a change of pace can actually help; maybe it can show me what I want out of life. What I need. "You're right," I say before I can think too hard about this decision and back out.

Hayley freezes obviously not realizing how easily I would give in. "You're down?" she questions as shock laces her words.

I nod once. "I am," I state with a smile growing across my lips.

"Damn, wow I thought I would have to persuade you a lot more than that," she laughs.

"Same," I agree with a chuckle. "But I think I need this," I tell my friend as I lean a hip against the edge of the counter.

Hayley's pale green eyes drop to the floor before lifting to meet mine. "I do also," she confesses quietly.

My teeth scrape against my bottom lip as concern runs through my veins. "Hayley...." I trail off not knowing the right words, but afraid she is setting herself up to get hurt.

Her shoulders sag. "What? This isn't about Clayton," she tells me adamantly. Though I can see in her eyes that it is a bit about him, but I can't blame her. She is in love with him. Every decision she makes from here on out will always be a bit about him.

"He'll be down there. He'll be around," I point out with a raised brow.

"I know," she whispers dropping her head.

"Can you handle that?" I ask awkwardly not wanting to push this, but also knowing my friend needs to have some one point out the aspects of life we so eagerly want to pretend don't exist. Don't hurt us. 

"We're just friends," she states standing her ground.

"Okay," I agree not wanting to argue with her. But also knowing that Hayley and Clayton will never just be friends. They may need this time apart to not drown themselves in the physical aspect of their relationship, but friends don't look at each other like they do.

Don't breathe for each other they way they do.

Hayley turns and heads back into her room, but not before shouting, "We leave in a week!"

A week. A week until I'm laying under the sun with my best friends. A week until I can step away from the anxiety that's beginning to cripple my life.

A week before I can take a break and maybe quiet the white noise that's growing in my brain with a quiet, fun, simple summer.

Simple. That's exactly what I need right now.