5/17/17

"I CAN'T BELIEVE we are done with school," my friend Chase states as excitement tears through his voice. He takes a pull from the beer in his hand and leans a head on Brad, his boyfriend's shoulder.

"I can," Hayley groans playfully as we all sit in the living room of our apartment. Our bodies lazy and drained from the amount of drinking we did the past weekend in celebration of being done with school. "This last semester sucked," she adds with a sigh.

I nod in agreement to her words. "I'm honestly more surprised we all finished on time," I tease before taking a sip of my spiked seltzer. We joked one too many times about failing a course this last year, and having to retake it over the summer and in turn graduate in August instead.

"Cheers to that," Chase salutes with a raise of his bottle.

We all follow along and lift our drinks to tap against his in honor of graduating from college just four days ago.

"Hey, you don't count yet," Chase calls Brad out after we all clinked our drinks together.

Brad rolls his eyes at my friend. "I have a semester left," he points out. "I count," he tells him before knocking the neck of his beer against Chase's playfully.

I sit back in the armchair and watch my friends with a smile pulling at my lips. The familiar feeling of seeing Hayley and Chase back together once again strikes my chest. They were attached at the hip for so long, an understanding of this world that only they seemed to comprehend. But after the inevitable fall out from Hayley pretending to be Chase's girlfriend over winter break and then falling for his older brother and outing him to the rest of his family, well we honestly didn't know if their friendship would ever come back together.

A part of me realizes that their friendship isn't fully back to where it was, but we can all hang out now and not feel uncomfortable. Chase can bring his boyfriend around, and Hayley can speak about Chase's older brother, Clayton, without any tension filling the room like a dam bursting. It wasn't too long ago that we couldn't do this, hang out all together. Laugh together. Just be us, and I didn't know how much I missed that till right now.

But slowly we all came back together. Because our friendship is one that has filled our bones and bonded us in a way that is unbreakable.

My teeth tease the skin of my bottom lip. "I can't believe Grayson is already gone," I murmur relaxing into the soft suede of the chair. "The apartment seems different without her," I comment as my eyes flicker to her now empty room. We haven't decided what we are going to do with her room yet as our lease isn't up until August and she already agreed to pay till then.

"It does," Hayley agrees instantly. Grayson and Hayley have been inseparable since freshman year. They've been by each other's side through every major moment and decision, and now Grayson is gone. If it's hard on me, I know it has to be breaking her down inside.

"I knew she'd move to Easton for him, I just didn't know it would be this fast," Chase comments. Grayson moved to Florida to move in with her boyfriend, Chase's other brother, Cale. It makes me sad she's gone, but I also know her and her boyfriend have gone through a lot and she deserves to be happy with him.

"Easton's beautiful," Hayley says as her eyes fall to the rim of her wine glass. "I'd move there," she adds with a small whisper.

Chase's kind hazel eyes lock on mine as we both pause at my roommate's words. His eyebrows draw together in worry and my jaw clenches with a wince. I don't want to have to bring this up. I'm not one for confrontation. But I love Hayley and that means I have to speak up, even when it's not in my nature to.

I slowly lift my chin and lock my eyes on Hayley. Her light green eyes meet mine and her freckled nose scrunches as if she already knows what's going to happen next. What I'm going to say.

"Hayley," I start but before I can get another word out she cuts me off.

"I know, I know, I know," she groans whilst closing her eyes with a squeeze. "I'm not moving down there. It was just a thought," she tells us with a defensive tone. My shoulders drop at her words as the evident sadness that fills her pale eyes flows into me.

"He needs space still Hayley," Chase tells her hesitantly speaking about his brother and the man she loves, Clayton.

"I know," she groans again letting her head fall back against the top of the chair she's residing in. She lifts it slowly to look at me and Chase. "I just miss him," she admits with tears lining her eyes making them glimmer with sorrow.

"Of course you do," I tell her leaning forward in my seat. "You love him and he loves you," I say adamantly. She has to remember that. He. Loves. Her. He loves her.

"He just needs time," Chase repeats quietly. I know it's hard for him to see his best friend in pain, and I also know the idea of her dating his brother is one that still doesn't fully click for him. But I've seen them together, one of the only times he's visited Hayley. I've seen the notes he writes her in the books he still sends her.

He loves her in a way I've never seen. True, unadulterated love.

A love that almost makes me feel unworthy. Will a guy ever look at me like they look at each other? Will I ever find someone who sets me on fire? Who acts as if I'm their world? Their moon and stars?

A sudden flashback of dark eyes and sinful lips infiltrates my mind and I instantly push them away as heat floods my veins. The memory that should be muddled by now still sits clear as day in my head, and I internally blush at how many times a day clips of that night roll through my head like film on a movie.

With a blink I focus and pull my mind away from those idle thoughts and place them on my friends in front of me.

Hayley nods once before downing the rest of her glass of wine. Their relationship didn't have the most positive of starts and now that Clayton is going to AA he is working through the steps and being in a relationship with Hayley isn't the best idea right now. So he told her he needed some time to himself for now. He's even limited the amount of times they can see each other in person, as he worries they won't be able to control themselves.

A relationship that started in lies and alcohol and secret sex doesn't bode for one of health. Now in a clear state of mind he knows what he wants and who he wants, and that's Hayley and he wants to do right by her.

"Okay," she starts as she stands from the chair and moves to the kitchen. "Moving on," she sings as she pours herself another glass. "What are we doing this summer?" she questions with a raised eyebrow.

Chase and I look at each other for a few passing seconds before I lift my shoulders to let him know I don't have an answer for either of them. We live in one of the best cities in the country, we are young, and fun, and as of right now we are downright boring. I'm use to being the boring one, the one in the back who blends in, but I know for a fact Hayley doesn't do bland. I don't even think it's in her vocabulary.

Finally Chase speaks up. "I'm spending time with Brad," he says motioning to the gorgeous man next to him on the couch. Brad is classically handsome with his trimmed hair, square jaw, and vibrant blue eyes. He's extremely preppy, and he's even in a fraternity. He's very different from Chase's laid-back demeanor and I think that difference is what works for them. "He's interning in the city instead of going home," he informs us but Hayley and I can both tell he's leaving something out.

Hayley narrows her eyes in on Chase from behind the kitchen counter across the room. "Where is he staying?" she inquires with a knowing gleam lighting up her expression. He lives in his fraternity's house right now, and they close for the summer leaving him with really only one option.

Brad adjusts in his seat before glancing at Chase. "Well," he begins slowly "It's just a trial—"

He doesn't get to finish before Hayley cuts him off. "Ohmygosh you're moving in together?" she shrieks of happiness.

Brad's face flushes slightly as a tender smile takes up his entire face. "Like I said it's just a trial," he tries to play it off, but we can see how much they care for each other.

"You're in love," Hayley gushes rushing over with her now full glass of wine.

"Hayley," I chastise knowing even if they are in love they might not want to talk about it. Right now. In front of Hayley and myself.

"What they so love each other," she states with wide eyes. "Look at them," she points with her glass at the two men obviously trying to ignore her. But with Brad's arm around Chase, and their bodies relaxed into each other they seem so at ease. So happy.

So in love.

"Okay, they so are," I relent with a swig of my drink.

Hayley then fixes her attention on me. "Okay so Max what are we doing for the summer since Chase is going to be all annoying and in love," she rolls her eyes teasingly before sticking her tongue out at Chase who in turn flips her off. I can't help but laugh at their playful antics. I may be the quiet one, but I love being surrounded by their jokes and wildly obnoxious behavior.

It's entertaining and completely different from the quiet childhood I had growing up. Not that my mother didn't do an amazing job raising me, she did. But I think I was meant to meet these people, my people, to experience this side of life as well. To push me when I constantly want to hide in my shell.

"I don't know," I reply with an unsure twist of my lips. "I still have work but I've been applying like crazy for any and every job," I say as annoyed expression coats my face. Why does looking for a job have to be so difficult? I graduated one of the top universities in the country, and yet here I sit four days graduated with no job offers. The pressure that's been growing inside me continues to weigh heavily on my chest at the idea of not getting a job after four years of hard work.

Hayley grimaces as her pointer finger runs around the rim of her glass. "And I've been putting off applying," Hayley confesses vulnerably. "So let's do something fun," she tries to add energetically with a smile, but I can sense the brokenness behind her words.

I try and play along, but I'm never the one who makes plans. I'm a follower, not a leader. "Like what?" I ask trying to sound hopeful and not break my friends spirit.

She shrugs easily. "I don't know but I need my mind taken off what I want to do," she tells us as she lets her fingers play with the ends of her dark wavy hair.

"And that is?" Brad questions from beside her.

Her teeth sink into her bottom lip for a second suppressing a smile. "Fly to Easton and jump Clay's bones," she divulges her inner thoughts.

I can't help the small chuckle that slips out at her words.

Chase snorts with a shake of his head. "Yeah, I didn't need to know that," he says as he sets his beer on the table next to him.

"Yeah, well I didn't need to walk in on you Brad last week but we can't all get what we want," Hayley says calling Chase and his boyfriend out. Laughter bubbles out around us at her words as everyone falls into a fit of giggles at her blunt words.

Chase slaps a hand over his face as he continues to let out belts of laughter. "And that's why the doorbell was invented," he tells her with a boyish grin taking over his handsome face. A face I've never seen happier than when he is with Brad. A face that is finally content and open with who he is, a face I have to admit a small part deep inside of me is jealous of.

I want that. I crave that.

I'm too scared to take that.

"Sorry," Hayley apologizes. "I'm still use to single Chase," she tells him with a tilt of her head.

Chase pulls Brad's arm back around him and leans into his boyfriend's arms. "Well get un-use to him," he tells her.

"Only cause you guys are cute," she plays back as she settles even more into her chair.

"You and Clayton are cute also," he tells her, and I know those words mean more to her than any of us can realize.

She sits back and a sad smile touches her expression. This is probably the most she's talked about Clayton in weeks, and while I know it isn't easy I also know she's appreciative of us listening to her. Of having someone to speak to about the man she loves more than anything in this world.

She told me once that to her he's the whole damn universe.

Hayley has the biggest personality of anyone I know. She's lively and energetic and wildly amazing. So for someone to be not just her world, but her entire universe. I know that she loves him in a way that can't ever be broken or replaced.

Her eyes then fall on me, and I immediately know where she's about to go with this. Anytime she wants to get away from the thoughts that cloud her she focuses her attention on me.

And my nonexistent love life.

"I know what we are going to do this summer," she announces with eyes locked on me and a smirk playing on her lips.

"What," I practically complain.

"Finding you a man," she states tossing me a wink.

I don't return the playful gesture. "I don't want a man," I mutter.

Brad instantly perks up at those words. "Really?" Brad questions. "If that's so I can take you to a fun lesbian bar," he suggests.

A blush coats my cheeks. "Not what I meant," I tell him as I stumble over my words slightly. "But thank you," I add letting him know I appreciate the offer at least.

"Come on," Hayley practically begs. "Please, it will be fun," she tells me as if that will change my mind.

"For you," I say with a roll of my eyes.

"Exactly," she responds with a cheeky grin.

"Fine," I relent knowing arguing with Hayley is a losing game.

"Do you have a type?" she asks as I can already tell she's trying to think of guys to set me up with.

Messy dark hair, and intense eyes to match. Tan skin with a stubbled jaw that I shouldn't know how it feels against my chest fills my head.

But I simply shake my head. "Nope."