Before you all violently comment about the title of my Author's note--I'm not gonna stop writing this fic XD Nor am I saying goodbye to any of you, my dears.

...

...Let's just say, I'm saying goodbye to...my future.

Okay, that sounded awful, as well. Hahaha!

Maybe just saying goodbye to the path that I hesitantly took before.

Fine, I'll just say it. Remember that really important test that I told you guys about? Yeah.

I didn't pass. I failed.

I'm sorry :( I know all of you were cheering for me, and wished me all the best...and even went as far as sending me messages to help me get through that test. You all believed in me, yet I still failed.

That means, that I will be changing my course from Accountancy, to another course that will accept me. I've mentioned this to you guys, before, right?

Funny enough, my life has started turning into a real-life novel. It feels so dramatic, so unreal. Yet, here I am.

When I found out about the results, I even tried acting cool. Around last week, I invited a close friend of mine over to hang out at my house. And by late afternoon, our group chats on FB sent us the pictures of the list of those who passed. I'll tell you what happened that day in story form haha. We were speaking in Tagalog, but I'll just translate it into English haha.

-=-=-=-=-=-

My friend Tin and I were talking about writing fanfics and stories at the time, and we were on the topic of "plot twists" when suddenly, I felt my phone vibrate, telling me I have a notification on FB.

"Oh...The results were already posted." I told my friend Tin, as I was holding out my phone.

She gave a look that was a mix of nervousness and excitement. "Let me see!"

Scrolling through the pictures, she looked for her name. It was alphabetical, so she did not have a problem looking for it under "M".

"AHH! I passed!!!" she exclaimed happily. I smiled, "Congrats!"

Smiling back, she scrolled through the pics again, "Wait, I'll look for your name..."

"Okay," I told her, waiting expectantly.

But it seemed like a minute or two has passed, and she was still scrolling.

At that point, I knew.

"Tin, give me my phone." I said, trying to get my mobile device. She looked a bit panicked and said, "Wait, no..."

I took my phone back anyway and looked for the names under "L".

My name wasn't there.

I was starting to feel numb, empty, but...to make things worse, I somehow felt a tinge of relief. When I realised that it meant having to tell my mother about, was when pure fear came sweeping in. It was bound to happen. I won't lie about expecting it to happen.

It still hurt, though.

Turning to my friend, all she could say was, "Aiza..." in a tone that sounded like she was gonna cry. And she did. I have a really great friend, who cried before I could even comprehend the pain.

But as the consequences of the event dawned to me, I felt that lump in my throat.

I was the only one who didn't pass among all of my friends. I was the only one who was going to change to another course. I was the only one who was going to be separated from them in terms of department. I was the only one who wouldn't be with them as they march two years later in their togas, preparing themselves to be real accountants. I wouldn't be there with them as they jump and throw their caps during graduation day.

I lost all that.

Realising all that, I couldn't help but choke back a sob. I looked away as I felt the tears start streaming down from the corners of my eyes. It felt like those sad scenes in those stories. So that was how it felt, huh? If it were to be like this, might as well keep the novel-like atmosphere.

With a smile, I faced my friend and spoke, "That's what you call a 'plot twist', see?"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

....Hahaha, look at me, taking advantage of the situation to look cool. But yeah, I still kept my composure all throughout my friend's stay at home. She must've wondered why I wasn't breaking down and crying, but I just told her that I would do it after she heads home. It was comforting to have a friend there, though.

After I saw my friend off, I went back home and quietly crawled back to my room. Everything was still numb, and I decided to listen to "Lost One's Weeping".

That was when I started breaking down.

I cried and cried. Cried, and then cried some more.

I felt hurt, but I also felt scared because I had to tell my parents about it. I knew they would be so mad about it, since they were really hoping that I would finish Accountancy.

And they were really mad, of course.

My Dad was actually understanding and just said, "Well, if this isn't what God planned for you, then it just isn't." ... My Mom, though, talked a lot about how I wasn't studying enough and how I didn't do my best. She was right, though. I felt like I really didn't do enough... but it's just that... I couldn't do it. I couldn't really focus fully on it because, it wasn't really something I loved. It wasn't gonna be the job that I wanted to do my whole life. Selfish, I know. I just wanted to keep on with that course because I knew my family would be happy about it...but that was the problem. I was wrong. I had the wrong mindset. I should've aimed for it so that I would be happy of who I'd become. It was kind of too late for that, now.

So two days after that, I spent most of time either doing chores or locking myself up in my room. The thought of my family hating me for failing kept me quite on edge. I wouldn't lie about the thought of suicide crossing my mind during those times. I was purposely hitting or punching my arm to feel some sort of pain, as if to give myself punishment. I even held scissors when I slept during the afternoon. But don't worry, I knew that I was too much of a coward to do anything. Even if those horrible things flooded my mind at those times, I knew that I wouldn't dare take my life away. Instead, I ended up crying, contemplating, and looking up other courses.

Then, a certain course caught my eye.

"Communications Research"

I know I've been thinking of Journalism before, but the job targets of this course really got me xD

•Research analyst
•Broadcast Journalist/Researcher
•Writer/Researcher

•Book writer

The thought of those jobs just clicked with me as if my heart said, "Eureka!"

The next day, surprisingly, my mom woke me up and made amends with me. Then, she asked me what course I was planning on taking instead, and I said "Communications Research"

And, as if I was dreaming, my mom said that it was a good course and I should take it because I'm good at writing and it fits my passion.

Not only was I in good terms with my mom again, but she actually agreed to let me follow my dreams.

I felt so happy!

But here comes another plot twist.

To get accepted at the College of Communications, I needed a signature from their chairperson.

I kept going to their office, but the chairperson's never there!

Then, I came across a staff and asked him where the chaiperson was, and he said, "he's at the Main Campus" and gave me the room number. What luck!

When I went to the room at the Main Campus, the secretary told me he was at some conference and said he'd be back two days after or by Thursday.

So I did come back there Thursday morning after our exams.

And yet, another crazy scenario happened!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
((Office))

Me: Good morning. I'm looking for the chairperson. Is he here already?

Secretary: Ah, yes. But he went to a meeting in Makati City, so he'll be back this afternoon. Drop by here again, later.

Me: Oh, okay. Thank you, sir!

****
((Office, 3:45pm))

Me: Good afternoon, sir. Is the chairperson back yet?

Secretary: Oh, sorry. He had to drop by other places for work matters, but he'll be back by 6pm. Drop by here again, later.

Me: O-Okay... Thank you, I'll come back later.

****
((Office, 6:01pm))

Me: Good evening, sir. Is the chairperson here already?

Secretary: Oh, yeah!

Me: :D

Secretary: Yeah, he's said he got caught up in a little traffic. You can still wait for him if you want, though.

Me: ... (=_=) ... Uhm, thanks.. Would it be okay if I come back here tomorrow?

Secretary: Oh no, hun. The chairperson's going to fly to America tomorrow for work/vacation--he'll be back by June.

Me: Ahh... (IS THIS FOR REAL?! What is this, a TV drama?! Do you guys expect me to chase after him at the airport or something???)

Secretary: You can still wait for him, though.

Me: I will. I don't care if I have to wait til your office hours are over. I need that signature. N e e d.

Secretary: Hm?

Me: I said, I'll wait outside :)

****
((Outside, by the office door, 6:29))

Student 1: Is he here yet? They said 6pm?

Student 2: Not yet, but they did say that Sir Don's on the way back, though.

Me: ((Who's Sir Don?))

Student 3: He better be.. We need him to sign this for our thesis.

Me: ((Sign??))

Student 2: Ahh, wait look! There he is.

Student 1: Hi, Sir!

The man that was greeted smiled and entered the office.

Student 3: Let's go!

Me: Uhm, excuse me, kuya.. who was that?

Student 1: Ah. Sir Don, ate.

Me: Who is he?

Student 1: Why, he's the chairperson.

Me: oH.

****

After that, we all got the chaiperson's signature.

As I was leaving the office, I couldn't help but squeal and mutter.

Me: "Success!! :D"

Secretary: Yieee. Congratulations hahaha!

Me: Thanks! ((Oh don't you act all nice, I swear you knew he'd be back by evening you lil shit.))

Me: :)

****

So yeah XD I was pretty happy on the way home. The next day, I went to the College of Communications and looked for someone the chairperson told me about.

And then, yet another surreal thing happened.

****

Staff: Huh? So the chaiperson sent you here?

Me: Yes.

Staff: ...And you want to shift to Communications Research.

Me: Yes!

Staff: Huh. Did he not tell you?

Me: Wh-What?

Staff: This course does not have first year classes because of K12. Not having 1st year classes means you can't take the major subject for first years of this course. And not taking that major means you can't advance to the next years, because you are required to take the major first.

Simply put, it's impossible for you to take Communications Research.

Me: .........what......? But....

Staff: We're sorry, but that's the effect of K12.

Me: Isn't...there a way for me to get that class?

Staff: Hmm... I don't think so.

Me: .............

Staff: : Ah, wait. There is.

Me: R-Really?! What is it?

Staff: You could take a tutorial class.

Me: A tutorial class?

Staff: Yeah, you just have to apply for a tutorial class for each subject you miss.

Me: Oh, thank goodness. I don't mind taking the tutorial.

Staff: But...

Me: .....what is it?

Staff: You have to pay for that class.

Me: Oh, okay. How much?

Staff: 3500 pesos per subject, per semester.

Me: WHAT?! That's like 4 times as much as the tuition fee per semester??!!

Staff: It is. But there's really nothing else you can do. Unless you want a different course.

Me: I see...

Staff: Think about it and come back here next week.

Me: O-Okay...Thank you, sir.

****

((On the way home))

Me: Ahhhhh why. Everything was working out so well. I've been through all those trials and obstacles...but still...still...

I was so excited and so sure that I would finally take a course that will suit me, and that I'll enjoy after I graduate. My parents were already supportive of this ..and yet...

Why does life hate me?

I was already happy about how things were working out despite the horrible results of those exams.

I was already glad that I was starting to get up after falling because of my failures.

Why now?

Why does it have to happen to me?

The tutorials are so expensive, there's no way my parents would agree...

****
((Home))

Mom: So, how did it go?

Me: ..Not so well.

Mom: Why?

Me: Well, they said they'd accept me there.. but I would have to take tutorials, like make up classes.

Mom: Oh, then take the tutorials.

Me: Mom, it costs...3500 pesos.

Mom: Is this course really what you want?

Me: ...Yes.

Mom: Then, we'll pay for it.

Me: WHAT?

Mom: If this is the course that you honestly and truly want, then we don't care if we have to pay that amount.

Me: ....It is. Thanks, Mom.

****
-=-=-=-=-=-

Maaaaaaan XD See? It freaks me out hahahaha!

....

Anyways, I'll be going back on Wednesday to continue the process. It's gonna be tiring and stressful, but I will push through with it.

I will do everything I can...for ny dream.

I can finally say how excited I am to be in my profession. To be a research analyst and a writer.

So that's why I said, "Goodbye"

"Goodbye" to the old me, the old ambition, the old dull flame fueled by fear and pressure...

...and "Hello" to the new me, the new ambition, the new fiert flame sparked by my own shortcomings and supported by my family and friends.

I admit that I'm still hurt by the fact that failing the qualifying exams changed my future tremendously, and that I brought a lot of disappointment and shame to many...

...but I also want to admit that I think it was meant to happen. That I was even relieved a little when I was free from that course.

I've mentioned a couple of times how I was having a lot of difficulty with Accounting and other related subjects. Mostly because it involves Math.

Yes, Math.

Not sure if anyone could relate, but I really think I have this sort of thing called "Math Anxiety"

Honestly, every time there's anything math related in class, I instantly get scared. I get anxious, uneasy. I mean, sure, I can answer homework because I have hours to absorb the lesson...but when it comes to instant application after the lesson at school--I panic. The lesson was simple, but somehow, I keep making mistakes and solve it wrong. It frustrates me, and it makes me feel so horrible that it was slowly turning to "Math Avoidance"

I really wasn't a fan of numbers, and I was scared, because I knew that accountants face numbers almost 100% of the time.

So I was so unsure of myself during class. Especially when my classmates get excited when they talk about being accountants one day...while I just keep quiet and hope they won't notice that I felt scared of it.

In a way, I knew.

There was always this invisible barrier between me and everyone else in my class. Usually, I'd blame my social awkwardness...but deep down, I knew.

I wasn't seeing things the same as they do. I wasn't holding on to the same dreams they have.

Back then, I felt down because I felt like, "I didn't belong"

I was right. I didn't. I don't.

But maybe it was because I was made to be somewhere else all along.

The road to becoming a research analyst and writer is rough and far from reach as of late, but I believe that I'll make it.

This time, I want to believe in myself, just like how you all believe in me.

I hope you guys don't mind this long A/N haha, but I wanted to share my story, my actual real-life story so that it can also serve as a lesson :')

Listen to your heart. Follow your dreams. Be where you are happy the most.

I know you guys are still young and college might not be creeping up at you guys yet... but I hope you guys learnt from my experience that college is a serious deal that decides a lot for your future.

Know yourself first before you choose a course/degree/major.

Because, as my mother said, "choosing a course is like choosing a husband/wife"

You choose the one you really love to be happy.

If you don't, things won't work out well, and you may end up hurt..or simply unhappy.

So, please, keep that in mind, my dears!

------

Anyways! XD I've went on for too long xD ((I'll be posting another A/N about some exciting stuff <3 so please stay tuned!!))

Thank you for everything, my dears! <3 You guys really are like my family, thanks for all the love and support :'>

Well, time for me to not say "Goodbye", but "See you again, soon" :>

I'll see you in the next update, my dears! <3

~flamehazelollipop