A Year 

August 20th: I'm losing my appetite, it's hard to eat but talking to you makes it easier to keep it down.

August 29th: You get mad at me for being supportive and telling you to take your time in whatever you were trying to tell me. I never told you that I knew what you were going to say. You never ended up telling me.

August 30th: The day is both as clear as can be and a blur of movement and emotion. You tell me you want to stop talking. I have a panic attack and break down after my match.

August 31st: I can't get out of bed. I'm tired.

August 31st - September 12: You periodically text me apologies, I ignore them and ask for time to think. I'm still crying but anger and bitterness is building.

September 12th: You want to talk. We do. You say that a mutual said that there was probably nothing you could do anymore. There's not. I don't say as much.

September 14th: We are at a sleepover together, you cried because I was avoiding you and I fell asleep to avoid you.

September 15th: We are purposely distanced by our friends. You text me later asking if I was actually avoiding you. I lie. You want to try again, I say it would never work. We fight. We stop talking.

September 16th - November 25: Things are always easier to answer in hindsight, but I'm not sure I can answer why I was so deeply angry and bitter. I'm almost still ashamed of how angry and hateful I was.

I'm so very tired, and sometimes I still cry. No matter what I tried to tell myself, I really did care once.

November 26th: The dance. I built high and mighty walls, preparing to see you once more. I felt beautiful, confident, maybe arrogant even. I even went so far to seek you out. I only got passing glances, and the walls I built weren't strong enough to stop the wounds from reopening.

November 27th: I'm tired. I'm so close to giving up.

November 29th: I decide to try out dating despite not having much of an interest ever. Hindsight me says I was lonely and needed a distraction. I'm still so sorry.

December 22nd: I'm crumbling. I can't eat, I have migraines too often, I can never remember anything. I'm going through the motions and sometimes I wonder if everyone else could tell too. A coat of bitter sits thick in my throat, a taste that I can never swallow.

December 26th - 27th: My friends finally hold an intervention. Saying they are worried is an understatement. Guilt plagues me because they're right. I'm too tired to do anything though. I'm giving up.

December 29th - 30th: I'm scared, my health is declining fast. My friends are right, this needs to stop. I break up with you. I'm still sorry, but so thankful that you were understanding and willing to be friends with me still.

December 31st - January 1st: I decide enough is enough. I'm tired of being angry and bitter, I'm tired of being too tired. I want to be better. I vow to myself that I will dedicate this next year, this next decade, I will spend it learning how to love myself and take care of myself. It will be hard, but I refuse to let the past repeat itself without trying to enact change. Kim Seokjin belts out, "I'm the one I should love, in this world" as the clock strikes twelve. The new year, the new decade begins. A small weight lifts from my shoulder.

January: Getting up is hard, so is eating. I'm so tired but I know I need to keep going. Eight migraines in a matter of two weeks. I find fleeting happiness in the small things. I have to remind myself nearly daily to love myself in anyway I can that day. My wound is still raw and I still think about you too often.

February: Getting up is getting easier, eating hasn't been. Migraines are replaced by headaches. One panic attack left me with a physical reminder of my struggle with my mind. My friends are more obvious with how they are watching over me and helping me despite not knowing what triggered this mess. I appreciate that they don't pry too much.

March 8th: A ray of happiness appears without me fully realizing.

March 12th: School shuts down, I have almost a week of free time so I spend it cleaning and decorating my room.

March 14th: The load on my shoulders has gotten lighter, the pain has slowly lessened as I tend to myself. I still think about you, and I've managed to swallow the last of my bitterness, but now I miss you and I regret how I reacted to you. Guilt sits heavy on my shoulders again.

March 20th: I've been the happiest I've been in the last year in the last few weeks. I've come to accept that you are gone from my life but I want to part with something that I need to say. An apology. Thinking about you really hurts sometimes, and I end up crying again.

March 24th: I text you to apologize for my behavior and tell you I want us to leave it behind so we can move forward in our lives. You ask to be friends after relentlessly apologizing. I shrug and say "I guess".

March 26th: You text after a mutual tells you to (several times), we catch up.

March 31st: You text after the same mutual tells you to do it again. I'm told that you're scared of me. I begin to believe you just want me there for whenever you're bored. It hurts, but not as much anymore. I've accepted it.

April 14th: I text you, several times. I'm left on read. I stare at it before closing the app and going back to what I was doing prior.

April 29th: I ask what happened, you apologize (surprise, surprise). It was your bf's birthday so you forgot to respond to a simple few "hey"s. I accept it and move on. I can't bring myself to care anymore.

April 30th - May 8th: You don't say anything; I don't notice. I'm happy and busy with school and talking with my real friends.

May 11th: I ask our mutual to remind me to block you by the end of the week if you don't text me; she happily accepts.

May 15th: I block you. Guilt and pain lifts from my shoulders. I can breathe.

May 23rd: You text me over a different platform, guess I forgot to check all my bases. I ignore you for 12 hours just so you have a taste of what you did to me. It's petty but I don't care.

May 24th: The arguing begins. It settles after a sarcastic "okay" from me, but you don't catch the sarcasm. I don't bother to correct you, I'm just left with questions that I don't know if I want the answers to. How did you ever forget about me? My old friend, pain, comes knocking at my door.

May 25th: You text me; I ignore you. I'm tired again.

June 4th: And the fighting begins. We stop talking again. I hope its the last time.

June 5th: I'm bogged down by exhaustion, I don't try getting up.

July: I'm happier, pain took their leave, guilt doesn't sit heavy on my shoulders.

August: I'm happy, I can eat, I smile and laugh. August 30th goes by without me noticing or thinking of you, I've moved on.

September 6th: I decide it's time to lay down the hatchet and write about you for one last time.

September 12th: I'm finishing this and, I feel light, happy. I don't miss you, I have no desire to be angry or see you again. I'm thinking that this might not be the last time I write about you, but it can be so I part with you with this. I don't miss you, nor do I miss us. I made mistakes and so have you, and don't give another apology, I might gag if I hear yet another from you. It's over and I want it to stay that way. I'm happy where I am, and with who I am with. You are not one of those people, and you don't need to be.

"you did it again. overgave. overstretched. overextended. hoping this time it would be different. hoping this time the outcome would feel better but you just got more of the same. more of the nothing. no matter how hard no matter your effort no matter what you do you can't change them. you can't change anyone. but that doesn't mean stop being you. it just means stop bending and breaking and efforting for people who won't do the same for you. take your love elsewhere. always give. but only give to a point. protect the house of you." - adrian michael

Note: if you are here, if you are reading this, why? we are over, our love is gone. leave. i left and you should too. you know everything there is to know, spill my secrets, i am not ashamed. rather, be ashamed that those words spill from your lips, for those words are not yours to spill. say what you wish about me, i will say what i think about you. i am unlike any other that you have crossed, don't dare compare me to the destruction of your past. i have said this before and i will say it again. i will continue to speak it until you learn it. but i will speak of you no longer, so purge my name from thy lips as well so the past no longer sits heavy on any's mind.