Zachary North

I was forcefully awoken by the extensive pain in my neck and in my head. As I lifted my body with my hands, I felt the uncomfortable feel of the leather I was laying on. Well, I guess that explains the stiffness in my neck.

I sighed and sat comfortably on my couch then leaned my head on it while still not opening my eyes.

But why is my head hurting? I opened my eyes and my dimly lit living room welcomed my sight. The only light that illuminates the whole room was from the two small LED drop lights positioned on either side of my huge TV.

What time is it? Or what day is it?

I looked down on my body and saw that I was still in my groomsmen tux.

Ugh. The more I think, the more my head hurts.

I clasped both of my hands on the sides of my head then, as I pressed my left wrist on my left temple, I winced because of the pain I felt there. Huh?! It's like a bruise has begun to show. What happe--- then, it all came back to me.

The wedding, the reception, the brawl, the bar where I drunk all my sorrows away until morning, Mason, Erin---

ERIN!

FUCK!

Now I remember everything.

I went to her intending to apologise about my actions last night, because it was totally uncalled for, as well as to promise to her that I will dissociate myself from her and to not cause any more trouble. However, as she opened her door, I saw the bags underneath her eyes and the tiredness her eyes displayed, the strings knotted in my heart tightened and my subconscious yelled at me for the additional pain I've caused her again.

That's why I lost myself and apologised.

When I did so, that's when she started thrashing --- it triggered the memories and feelings that she kept inside her. She slapped me, punched me, and hit me, it hurts but I didn't care. I know the pain I was feeling while she's hitting me was nothing compared to what I did to her.

But the pain in her voice when she told me everything made me crumbled inside. I know how much of a jerk I was to her and I was not oblivious about the things I did to her, but hearing her tell me that she felt dirty, that's when I realized the weight of my action that night.

Fuck!

Idiot!

Whilst I was busy loathing myself, I heard someone punching the passcode from my door. I stood up and opened some dim lights and to also take a look at my uninvited guest tonight. But as I fully turned myself towards my door, a hand flew to my face and my head was forcefully spun to my right.

Fucking hell, it hurts!

I tried to look at the person in front of me but my right cheek got slapped this time. Now, both of my cheeks stung from the person who plans on dying tonight! Who the fuck dares to disrespect me in my own home?!

Before I recollect myself, another hand was about to land on my face but I stopped it and gripped it harder. However, I failed to see the other hand that fell right on my right cheek.

I growled lowly and held the both of the hands and angrily spoke, "Olivia, ENOUGH!"

Yes, it was my sister. How did I know? I smelled her perfume and she's the only one who has the nerve to do this to me.

"No, you fucking asshole! This isn't enough for what you did to my best friend! You're an asshole! A fucking sick jerk of an asshole!" She screamed at me and pushed me hard, then forcefully removed her hands from my hold.

Oh, dear. I am not ready for this, especially now that I feel so dirty, sticky, I smell alcohol, and my head and neck fucking hurts!

But seeing my sister pace to and from my living room were enough for me to comprehend that tonight's the night I am to tell her everything. That tonight's the night I feared the most, facing myself --- uncovering everything and be vulnerable.

"If you're thinking of ways to get away with this tonight, then stop exhausting your brain because I will not let this slide tonight or ever! I need answers, Zac, I need explanations! Why did you hurt Erin?! Why did you hurt her BECAUSE OF ME?! WHY? WHY, ZAC?!" Olivia was now hyperventilating, I know in this state, using my default big brother tone at her will be futile as this is the temperament where Lorna and the other housekeepers are well acquainted of, which they identified as The Kraken. Being in this zone, Livy is Olivia, which means the scariest side of her is surfacing.

But I'm not afraid or scared by it. What I am scared of was stripping the hard persona I built for years and let her see my vulnerability. However, it's too late now, unconsciously though, since the beginning I chased away Alex from Erin, I knew this was coming, and I've been delaying this to happen ever since.

Barring those, I'm tired with everything that's going on in my mind thus, I've decided that I will end everything tonight.

"TELL ME! Don't just stand there and be mute!" She held both of my collar and for the second time in my life, I saw her light blue orbs turned into darkest blue that resembles the night. The first time I saw this was when Dad did not attend her college graduation.

As much as I wanted to answer her, I can't will myself to speak. I didn't know where and how to start but somehow, I uttered two words.

"I can't."

She scoffed when she heard that.

"You can't? What the fuck is that?! Are you being such a coward and..." she couldn't finish what she was saying so, angrily combed her hair back and took a step back from me while giving me a disbelief look.

Looking into her eyes, I saw her feelings clearly --- displease, anger, confusion, disbelief, and disappointment.

"I am. I am a coward! Ever since I admitted to myself that I like Erin, I've been a coward! You know why? Because I am scared that I will hurt you and her! I am scared that two of the most precious women in my life will be hurt because of me. But I already did. I hurt her so much to the point that she loathes herself! You know how it does to me? It kills me, Olivia, it fucking kills me to know that I killed the light in her."

By the time I said the last part, I sat on the marble floor of my foyer and repeatedly punched the wall beside me. It hurts but it was nothing compared to what I am feeling right now. Then, I felt my sister's hands stopped me to further assault the wall and kneeled beside me.

"Stop it, Zachary, you're hurting yourself!" she said in a shaken voice but I still tried to removed her hands on my arm.

"No!!!! Let ME hurt myself!" I answered back with a strained voice. Clearly, the hurt I was feeling on my knuckles and the guilt in me was starting to get to me.

"Stop it. Don't do this, you jerk!" she held both of my shoulders and pulled me away from the wall, but I'm way more bigger than her so, she blocked the wall with her body instead.

"No. You don't understand, Olivia. This is the only thing I can do to myself. This is the only punishment I see fit for what I've done to Erin. Hurting myself is what I deserve. I shouldn't have give in to my feelings, Olivia, I should have stayed away and exerted more effort in controlling my feelings towards her. That way, I wouldn't have hurt her by choosing you." My voice cracked and the stinging in my eyes indicate that all the strings that I held on to were beginning to snap one by one and expose me to my dear sister and to myself.

I turned my gaze away from her when I saw the changing of expression in her face, from shock to slowly replaced by anger. True enough, I felt her hit my chest twice.

"You fucking idiot! Why did you do that? You know I would never ever let you choose. I am not---"

"I know but I promised my mom to take care of you!" I interrupted her.

"What? I mean, huh? What's got to do with this?!" She asked me in so much confusion. Her forehead creased so much as if what I said was a very complex answer to understand.

I sighed.

I guess I had to tell her everything from now on.

"After mom's funeral, I was a wreck! I was still in denial of mom's death so, I set aside my grief and surround myself with parties and women. I avoided you, dad's calls, and didn't want to come to the manor because talking to the both you will just make mom's death real to me, and I didn't want that. I didn't want to face the reality that mom left us. That mom lost her battle, and that she died all by herself in their room, without us three in the house."

A tear escaped my eye and I quickly wiped it with the back of my hand. Livy on the other hand was now weeping silently in front of me. When she saw me hesitating to continue, she gave me a firm nod to continue.

"Days later, Lorna sent a letter that mom personally wrote to me. In it, she said that she wants me to take care of you and dad, but more of you. She said that I have to step up and be the big brother who's always there for you, who will protect you from all the evils of the world, and who will take care of you. You know, Livy, when I read that, the look on your face when I came home in the manor the day mom died flashed in my brain. The grief, sadness, and pain were evident in your face. The way you wept and held on to me for support every night at the wake and in the funeral flashed to me."

"That's why I drove fast to the manor that night to see you and to check up on you. What I saw broke my heart. We left you alone in that big house that was full of mom's memories that me and dad were running away from. We neglected you, we left you, instead of being there with you and console you. I abandoned you, Livy when you needed me the most and I'm so sorry for that. I really do."

By the time I said that to her, tears were uncontrollably streaming down her face. I tried to wipe it away but it's useless because her eyes were like falls. As for me, I was crying too but in a steady pace as I was still ashamed of her seeing me in this state.

"The happiness in your eyes were gone, the cheery aura you had became dull, and most of all, the hate in your voice were audible upon seeing me. Among the three of us, you suffered the most, Olivia. You were the one who saw the pain mom endured in her treatment. You were the one who saw mom laying lifeless in their bed. You were the one who tried to keep our family together right after the funeral. But what did we do in return? Dad and I turned our backs to you and we tried to forget everything, the grief and pain that mom left us."

"By trying to get away from the manor, we forgot you. And I only realized that when I saw you sleeping on the corner of mom's walk-in closet hugging a bunch of her clothes. With that, I vowed to myself that I will prioritize you and your happiness over anything or anyone, even if it hurts me." I held her crying face with both of my hands but she shook her head.

"No, brother. No... You shouldn't have." She hiccuped and held my left hand with both of her hands.

"Livy, I am your brother, you are my responsibility and I promised mom that I will take care of you with all my li--"

"But it doesn't mean you'll have to sacrifice your happiness over me. Zac, mom doesn't want that. Mom wants US to be happy, not only me. Mom wants you to take care of me but also to take care of yourself. You made me happy, brother, you do, and I'm so grateful for that but if my happiness will be the cause of your loneliness and sorrow, I'm sorry but I won't permit you to do that." Olivia hiccuped and wiped the tears in my eyes.

I didn't know that my tears were uncontrollably streaming down my eyes until Olivia used her sleeves to wipe off the tears.

"And why did you think that being with Erin will make me sad?" She asked and I stilled. This is the question I didn't want to answer even to myself.

Why?

I don't know.

"Because she's your friend --- BEST FRIEND. And I know that no matter what, she'll end up hurting because of me and in the end, your friendship will be endangered because of me." Confusion marred her face so I expounded.

"I know how important and how much you love her, Olivia. She was there for you when you needed a shoulder to cry on, she was there when you needed someone to eat with, she was there when you wanted someone to listen to your girl talks, and most of all, she was the friend you've dreamt of having. She sees you as you."

"And I know, if I hurt her, that will be the end of your friendship. Or maybe not the end but a huge crack in it because of me. I shouldn't have succumbed to my feelings, Livy. I shouldn't have. I hurt her, I hurt you. I hurt everyone. I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry." I stood up from the floor when I felt the air in my lungs clouded as I prevent more tears to fall. And it's also my attempt to stop the conversation.

But my sister's words stopped me in walking away from her.

"It's because you're afraid, Zac." She said loud and clear, as if she hasn't been crying the whole night.

However, I made no move when I heard it, not because I want to but because my feet didn't want to.

"You're afraid that if you admit to yourself that you love her, everything will fall into pieces. You're afraid of losing her not to someone but to something. You're afraid that she will leave you just like how mom left dad. You're afraid to experience what dad's been experiencing." She stood in front of me and held both of my arms then uttered what I've been so afraid of hearing.

"It's not about my happiness, Zac. It's about your happiness."

I gasped for air because the pain my chest tightened when I heard that. The tears I've been controlling fell from my eyes like a broken dam.

My sister pulled me to her and engulfed me into hug. She rubbed my hair just like what mom did whenever she's trying to console me. It's like she's absorbing all the pain away from me.

I hugged Olivia tightly like my life was depended on it. What she said was true.

That's what I've been afraid of. I was scared of my love leaving me in this world permanently. What happened to our family scarred me especially seeing how devasted my dad was. It scared me that's why I kept changing women every night. I set the no-strings-attached rule to myself, but Erin came into the picture.

She made me feel the things I've yearned and dreamt of whenever I saw mom and dad together. She made me want to dream again what my mom and dad had. She awoken the desire in me to love. And when I realized that, I broke up with her like a coward.

I never wanted to hurt her, never. I would do everything for her, but I'm scared of losing her to something I can't control. Because if I did, everyone around me will get hurt, just like how dad hurt Livy.

But when Erin confessed to me that she loves, I got scared. Not because of commitment, but I'm scared for her. What if it's the other way around? What if I was the one to leave her forever?

That night, when she said those three words to me, flashes of her weeping in grief filled my mind. I kept dreaming of her weeping in her black dress while I was slowly descending 6 feet on the ground.

And thay made me scared. I didn't want her to experience that. I just don't. That's why even though it was hard for me to end things between us, I did. To protect her from grief.

Cancer is what killed my mom which means it is in my blood. There's a 10% chance that it can be passed down to me. And if it did passed on to me, it would make Erin devastated, which means I will be taking her happiness from her. Which I never want nor wish to happen to her because I love her so much.

Hello, loves.

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xo,
kimmypatata