Erin McAfee

I took a deep breath and sighed for the nth time today.

I leaned back on to my couch and tried to think of anything other than what transpired yesterday. But everytime I tried to think of something, flashes of yesterday always win.

If there's only a delete button inside my brain, I would gladly push it to erase all of my memories with Zac and yesterday. Unfortunately, there's none, that's why I am still suffering.

It's easier for me if he just ignored me and be with someone else, that way it's easier to move forward. But he didn't. Instead, he acted all jealous and concern. The fucking look in his eyes whenever we looked into each other -- it displayed guilt, remorse, and longing.

The way he held me last night, I could feel the intense beating of his heart, just like the way it used to beat whenever he put my hand on them for me to feel my effect on him.

Why? Why the hell did I need to see and feel everything?

I shouldn't have come yesterday. I shouldn't have!

Good thing, my friends were there to console me. Fortunately, Olivia didn't ask me about anything last night. She just told me that she won't push me to tell her everything. When I'm ready to tell her everything, she's just a call away. That's what she said, and I think I'm ready now to tell her everything.

I mean, if there's someone who should know everything, it's her and it's only logical to tell her about what happened as she's also my best friend. It's not fair for her to be kept in the dark especially that I felt like she has a huge part in this but I'm also scared to know what her reaction will be. If she's going to be mad at me or not.

So, with a thumping heart, I took my phone and dialled her number.

She told me that she will be here in half an hour. Great! I still have time to compose myself.

I was nervously pacing around my living room when I heard my doorbell rang.

I took my last deep breath to calm myself because this is it! I am about to unravel everything.

As I opened the door, a whiff of liquor welcomed me. As I opened my door widely, that's when I stilled.

It was Zachary.

He was leaning on to the door frame to support himself from falling. He still have his clothes on from yesterday but the tie was not already gone. The top two buttons were unbuttoned and his blazer was hung on his right arm. His eyes were bloodshot red and a bruise was forming on the side of his left eyes. The blood on the cut on his lower lip were already dry but I could see that it's deep.

All in all, he still look handsome in this state.

Ugh. Oh my God, Erin! Get it together! This man hurt you!

Snippets of last night's brawl came back to me. Did Mason really got him last night?

"You have bags in your eyes. Did you not get sleep too?" Zac slurred stopping the silence between us. Here we go again, his eyes held guilt and longing.

"What are you doing?" I asked him in nonchalance instead of answering him. I didn't want him to see that he still has the effect on me. Actually, to be honest, what I wanted to do now was to treat his wounds and put an ice pack on his bruise.

But I won't.

"I'm here to see you. Are you okay?" He asked and tried to stand up but he wobbled and held on to the threshold.

I frowned at him. How much did he drink last night? Knowing him, he has a high tolerance in alcohol. Seeing him like this and knowing how much did he drink last night makes my heart ache for him. I just want to hug him and let all our sorrows go away.

If only that was easy.

"I'm fine. Now, go home." I answered him and tried to close the door but he held it forcefully.

"I said, go home." I repeated angrily to knock some sense to him.

He just looked at me with those sad eyes.

"I won't go home until I made sure that you're okay." He said.

"Didn't you hear what I just told you? I said, I'm fine! Now you have your answer, GO. HOME." I tried to close my door again but he let himself in.

He leaned on the wall next to my video intercom and frowned at the floor.

"What the hell, Get Out!" I said angrily. My patience is wearing thin. If he's annoyingly stubborn when sober, well, when drunk, he's a hundred times annoyingly stubborn.

"You looked beautiful yesterday." He said. Seriously?! Was he not hearing anything? But my heart! It skipped a beat when he said that. Geez, I need to get this man out of my apartment or else he will hurt me again.

"I don't fucking care. Get the hell out, Zac!" I repeated again but he quickly looked at me with a glint of happiness in his eyes.

"You called me! You called my name." He smiled widely then continued, "I've been missing you, you know. I followed you everywhere you go. To see you cry and not being yourself because of me hurts me. It pained me to see---"

I slapped him.

"Get out!" I shouted and I felt hot tears streaming down my face. Shit! This isn't what I want to happen!

"I'm sorry, Erin. I'm so sorry for what I did to you. You can slap me, punch me, or just hit me if you must. To relieve the hurt I caused you. I'm so sorry." He tried to held my hand but I swatted his hands and hit my fists on his chest.

"No!!! No amount of physical pain can match the pain you'd caused me. You left me! You left me after using me! You hurt me!" I repeatedly hit him and slap him but he never budged. It irate me even more.

"I'm so sorry, Erin. I really do." He hugged me. The familiar body heat I was craving for engulfed me and his strong arms enveloped me, I just want to snuggle up and return the hug but I'm stronger than that.

I tried to push him away from me but he didn't move. Instead, he tightened his hold on me and repeatedly said I'm sorry.

No!

I don't want to hear his apologies. I don't want to hear that he still cares for me. I don't want to feel his sincerity. I don't want to see him. I don't want his touches.

But my heart says otherwise. My heart softened when it heard his apologies, it sees the care for me, it felt the sincerity he's giving, and it gives in to his touches.

It's hard! It's so fucking hard! But I'll go with what my brain tells me.

So, I pushed him hard and slapped him harder on his right cheek where there was no bruise.

He tried to come closer to me but I halted him and pointed my index finger at him.

"You don't have the right to hold me! After everything you've done to me! Your apologies meant nothing to me anymore, Zac. You made me feel cheap and made me feel that I'm nothing when it comes to Olivia! You rubbed it in my face, Zac! You practically told me that I'm nothing to you. And then you proved it me that it was true when you left me that night and broke up with me after two weeks! Now, you're telling me that you followed me? How many times did I tell you that I didn't want to be followed! How many?!"

I was hyperventilating now and the tears were still uncontrollably streaming down my face.

My chest hurt. This amount of hurt I'm feeling made me struggle to breath. All the feelings that were bottled are beginning to surface to be heard.

But I'm not yet finish. I still have tons to tell him.

"Did you trust me? You didn't, right? Ever since you knew that I lied to you and didn't tell you why Olivia went to Dubai, you concluded everything! Didn't you think that I have this responsibility to your sister because I am her best friend? Didn't you think that it was hard for me to not tell you? Instead of asking me, you ordered Markus to spy on me, Zac. I tried fixing everything but you refused. You know why? Because you blamed everything on me and made me the bad guy. You were looking for someone to blame and unfortunately, it was me." I panted heavily because crying and lashing out were not a very good combination for your lungs.

Zac on the other hand stood in front of me completely not moving.

Then, what he said next shocked me.

"I love you." He whispered but I heard it.

But I heard right though? Or my ears were just fooling me? Or if he really was here or it was just a hallucination.

When I was certain that he's real and was not going to move nor contradict what he said, I walked towards the room I'm staying at to lock myself but as I passed him, he held my arm and hugged me tightly.

Then it dawned on me.

Those three words.

I was waiting for him to tell me those words but why now?

Why now?

Was it because he wanted to hurt me even more?

Or is it because he thinks that I'm already moving forward with Mason and him being a man whore he is, he's messing with my feelings?

"Liar!" I shouted and pushed him as I thought about my last realization. So, I thrashed and pushed him but it was futile, he didn't budge. He was stronger than me.

But it didn't deter me, I kept on pushing him and kept on telling him to leave me alone until he was forcefully removed from me.

I didn't know what happened but my bum got connected to my floor. Then someone assisted me to stand up and held me by my shoulder.

"Niccolo, get him out of here." I heard a feminine voice from my behind started to order Niccolo.

I looked at Niccolo and he was holding Zac's arms to stop him from getting away from his hold and then pushes Zac out of my apartment. Then Olivia closed the door and looked at me apologetically.

She was sprinting towards me in panic and was saying some stuff until darkness took over me.

***
My head hurts. It's like someone's hitting it with a baseball bat.

I willed my eyes to open slightly to protect it from the rays of the sun that seeped in through my curtains. However, instead of the glaring sun darkness welcomed me.

I reached for lamp beside me to turn it on, when the light filled the room, it dawned on me that I slept in my bedroom.

Confusion crossed me but when I recollected what happened before I slept or passed out, Zac was here apologising to me and then Olivia and Nick came.

Zac.

He apologised.

And he told me that he loves me.

Those three words.

Why did it hurts to hear it from him?

Was it because it gave me negative connotation when I said it to him? In this very bed?

How he rejected me and immediately left me here after we had sex...

It scarred me.

They said your first night will be the most memorable night of yours, it was true though, because my first night was when the man I love the most rejected me and left me after I gave myself to him.

How pathetic, I thought.

The tears fell out of my tear ducts again without a warning. My God! How much water does my eyes held?

I didn't know how long I was crying when I felt two thin arms around me.

"Let it out, Erin. Let it all out. I'm here for you." I heard Olivia said while rubbing my left arm to console me.

I hugged her tightly and cried my heart out to her.

It's nice to have her again.

Oh, Livy.

After God knows how long I was crying, Olivia offered me a glass of water and opened one of the lights in my room.

I squinted my eyes when it lit the room for it to be adjusted. Then, Olivia gave me a lukewarm towel for me to wipe my face clean.

"Are you hungry?" She asked after a minute of silence.

I looked at her and smiled.

"I am, but I'm not in the mood." I said quietly to her.

"Alright. I guess I'll have Nick's spaghetti all by myself then."

I gasped when I heard it.

Ugh!

Niccolo's spaghetti was the bomb! I don't know why but when Jowee and I had a taste of it, it was like some spell had casted on us and we never ordered spaghetti anymore unless it matches Nick's spaghetti.

Just by thinking of it, my stomach growled loudly. Which I earned a smug look from the girlfriend.

"Fine." I rolled my eyes at her and stood up from my bed.

"That's my girl." She squealed and followed me out of my room.

Dinner was awkward as hell.

Livy tried to liven the sombre mood lurking around us but my mood automatically shut it even though I didn't intend to.

After a number of attempts, I guess she gave up and went on eating in silence.

After dinner, we had Crème Brûléeamd tea for dessert. I must admit, it cheered me up a little. The whole dinner lifted up my mood especially that Olivia's here.

However, I am still delaying what needs to discussed. I remembered that I called her to tell everything that happened between me and her brother. She should know---

"You know, if it's hard for you to tell me tonight, it's okay. I won't push you. Just know that I will always be here beside you to listen to you. And if you think that I will get mad and won't believe any word you'd say, trust me, love, I won't." She looked at me in the eyes seriously and smiled at me reassuringly.

"I know, Livy. It's just that I'm more scared of what you're reaction will be. I mean, I hid this from me. I should've told you from the start but I chose not to. With that, I'm really really sorry. And to tell you the truth, I don't know where to start." I said honestly.

"You know what, why don't you start from the very beginning." She suggested and I nodded.

I took a deep breath and started.

I told her the very beginning. The first time I saw Zac's picture was in his father's office. Then my crush grew to infatuation until I couldn't control it anymore.

As I told her how me and Zac started to date, she remained calm and understanding. Never did her facial features displayed annoyance or anger when I told her how we hid from her. But then I guess it's because she already knew it as she already saw him exiting my apartment with a swollen lip.

Then, the dreaded part of the story came. With a heavy heart, I told her some parts of it without of course painting Zac as bad man. I mean, what he did to me was bad but I can't hide the fact that he made me happy before.

As my story got heavier, her face started to show anger. I even paused twice to make sure that she's okay. But when I ventured on to the most sensitive part of the story, she stood up abruptly and paced the room.

"Fucking shit!"

"Oh my God!"

"Asshole!"

"He's way worst than Niccolo!"

She was pacing back and forth in my living room and from the looks of her face, she was beyond angry. She was livid.

I tried to stop her and calm her down but she just shook her head.

"What he did was too much! It was too much! I swear, I never knew this. I never knew about this!!" She stopped in front of me and held both of my arms.

Her eyes displayed sadness and melancholy.

"I'm so sorry, Erin. I'm so sorry for what he did to you. If I had known that it was everything my fault, I shouldn't have went to Dubai or I should've told him tha--"

"Shhh. Livy, no, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. It's my fault. If I didn't succumb to my feelings, I wouldn't be hurt like this. I should've respected our friendship by not having a relationship with your brother. I'm sorry, Olivia. I really do."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was when the waterworks started.

"No. It's not your fault, Erin. You love him. It's natural for a person to pursue the person they love. Why did you have to suppress your feelings because of me? I don't mind. I'm fine with it. Also, I'm your best friend, Erin, I know how much of a good woman you are." She said and wiped my tears.

"Thank you, Olivia. But can I ask you something?" She nodded and I went on, "why did it hurt so much when he told me that he loves me? Why instead of my hear skipping a beat, the know tightened? It's like a knife cut my heart deeper than it already is? Why?"

"That's because you're not ready to hear it from him and the situation is very different from the normal situation we dreamed of. You're not yet ready because the wound is still fresh. Instead of those three words could mend you, it became a salt that was doused on to your fresh wounds which was why it hurst even more. You know, the one thing I learned about love, is that love is not enough to mend everything. Love is only a feeling but what made it bearable is the trust it holds. When the trust is gone, love will only remain as a feeling. Nothing more, nothing less."

"You know, you'll have to step back from everything to gain yourself back. It may be hard but you'll have to detach yourself from your feelings. That way, it could help you rethink and mend your wounds." She added.

That makes sense though.

She's right.

I hugged her tightly.

"I'm so sorry, Erin. I really do." She apologised and when I looked into her eyes, it was full of sadness and guilt.

"What for?" I asked.

"For not being a good friend to you. For abandoning you when you needed me the most. I'm so sorry, Erin. If I had known that you're going through this, I should've arrived here earlier. I'm sorry." For the first time tonight, she shed a tear.

I shook my head to rebut her.

"No, Livy, don't. Stop blaming yourself."

I smiled at her and wiped her tears.

"You want cupcakes? I bought some awhile ago." Livy offered.

"Let's call Jowee." I suggested because I missed her.

"Sure!"

Hello, loves.

I know some of you received a notification a while ago about today's update. I'm sorry, I accidentally hit publish instead of save --- as I was drafting on my phone, not on my laptop. Hehe. Sorry.

Anyway, what do you think about this chapter? Please comment and don't forget to vote!

As always, thank you for reading my book.

xo,

kimmypatata