Zachary North

I fucked up.

I literally fucked up!

Everytime I close my eyes, all I could see was the hurt in her eyes and her walking away.

In that moment, I so wanted to chase her, hug her and tell her how sorry I was, but the woman I forgot the name of prevented me in doing so for I was naked. She said that, I would push her further away from me if I chase her butt naked.

Nevertheless, look how fate works. I didn't know if it was mocking me or helping me with my dilemma. I know I said I wanted to gain back the control I had to myself when it comes to Erin but I didn't want this! My conscience was eating me alive and I didn't have the courage to face her.

I mean, what would I tell her? Should I tell her that I am a ninny and couldn't even admit to myself that what I feel for her was more than attraction. Also, I was so afraid that I would hurt her and my sister in the end that's why I was doing what I was doing.

That's more than fucked up! How did I let this happen? How did my attraction towards her gotten deeper to the point that I couldn't control it anymore? That I lose all of my restraint I build up.

Why?

Why did a simple problem like this, I couldn't find a simple solution to? Why have I been running away ever since I admitted to myself that this was a problem? Why can't I just man up and ask her out like what Alex have been doing right now?

Why can't I just have an ounce of courage he has? I mean, look at him. You could clearly see in his face that he's happy walking her home from a simple dinner they had.

The way Erin kissed his cheek and hugged him, that's what I've been yearning for, that's my dream, honestly.

But being a coward I was, I did what I always do, follow and protect her without her knowledge. I've been doing this since our first kiss, but not always though. I do this personally whenever I knew she's wallowing into unwanted emotions. It may sound and look creepy but it was the only way I knew to accompany her whenever she's sad or lonely.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous seeing her and Alex together tonight. I mean trust me, I so wanted to hop off my car and tear his arms away from her and feed it to the K-9 dogs on-duty but since I was a fucking coward and didn't know how to face her, I remained seated in my car.

When I saw Erin got inside her building, that was the only time I calmed my demeanor and relaxed. Before I close my eyes, my phone disrupted the thick silence inside my car.

As I looked at the caller ID, I saw my Sanjay Gupta's name and I quickly answered it.

He is the Country Manager for Gupta's Flavors and Fragrances branch here in the country. He's the same age as me and a good friend. We are in a joint venture for one of NGC's division, which is a food chain.

"Sanjay." I answered briefly.

"Zachary, I'm glad you answered." His thick accent greeted me and continued, "You mentioned you wanted to schedule an ocular visit on our pepper farm in India, right?" He paused for a while and I hummed.

"I am going to have a vacation in India for a month, starting next week and I am inviting you to come as well so you could see it yourself." He said.

"That would be nice, I guess. But let me give you my answer tomorrow as I have to consider some stuff and whatnot. I'll call you tomorrow, Sanjay, and thank you for your offer." I said and he agreed and wished me goodnight. Likewise, I returned his wish and started my car to go home.

As I navigated the road, my mind was filled with Erin again. I know I've been saying this for quite a while now but I really didn't know what to do. It seems that the more I distance myself from her, the stronger the force is pushing me towards her.

Should I fight this off or succumbed to my feelings towards her?

Ugh.

This was so difficult.

Maybe Neil was right. That one way or another, I was hurting Erin because of my cowardness. That I was making everything difficult for her. And most importantly, that I was making everything so messed up between her and me.

Maybe it's time I should listen to what they had told me. That I should man up and face my feelings towards her.

But I don't know when, how, and where to start especially now that she saw me naked on a bed with her colleague. She'll probably think, if I confess to her, that I only see her as a one time thing just like what the whole world think of me. And with that, I don't think that she will give me a chance nor even believe me considering that she detests men who sees her as a fling only.

Ugh. But what about my sister? Their friendship? I don't think that I can risk that precious bond of them over my pathetic feelings toward Erin. Especially now that I am not 100% sure of what I am feeling towards her.

Whatever. I'll just think everything through once I went to India. Maybe I can get my answers there.

***
I was at a bar of Sanjay's sister's hotel here in India, drinking in solitude when Sanjay appeared out of nowhere.

"It was a woman, isn't it?" His thick Indian accent filled my ears and I just chuckled and drank the scotch I was holding.

"Yup. It is a woman. So, what is her name, if I may ask."

I looked at him and just shook my head thinking how the fuck did he know? Was there a sign written on my forehead?

"It's not." I lied.

"Of course. But a gentle advise, don't runaway from it because one way or another, you'll have to face it. Don't let it linger for long because the consequence is and probably be unbearable. Better face it now than evade it for long." He patted my shoulder and proceeded to drink his liquor.

What the hell? How did he know? Was it too obvious that I was thinking about a girl?

"Sanjay, I really don't know what you're talking about." I feigned ignorance, that's what I was good at when it comes to this topic.

"Zac, you know very well what I was talking about. I've been there before, you know. I ignored my feelings towards her because of some reservations I had, and when I finally had the guts to tell her my feelings for her, she's already engaged to someone. Dude, I am not telling you that I was not happy with Laura, my girlfriend right now, but what I am telling you was that it was so hard to see someone you loved secretly, marry someone that wasn't you. My only regrets was I never had told her, even for once, what I felt for her." He paused and took a sip from his glass.

"It was hard, you know. The only one I could blame was myself. There were a lot of 'if only' going on my mind and it was eating me alive that time so I requested to my Dad to transfer at our US branch to escape. But that didn't do any good for me. Instead, the blame game to myself intensified even more. Add in the loneliness and homesickness I felt. All those had been eating me alive, until of course, I met Laura." He smiled happily and proceeded to tell me his story.

"Of course it was a rocky start in the beginning. I saw her as a fling at first, not for commitment, you know, because that time I was still nursing my broken heart. But then she did not leave me, she helped me chase away those voices inside my head that kept blaming me from the mistake I did. I was thankful for her, you know."

"But what she said made sense to me though. That if you think about yourself for one time only and went for it, whatever happened in the end, be it a good or bad ending, at least you tried. At least you expressed yourself, you expressed your love to that person. You see, Zac, I don't know about your problem but as I see it, I could see myself from you. And whatever's holding you back, unchain yourself from it and start facing her."

"The only thing will matter is how you will take care, make you and her happy, and of course protect not only her but also the love you will eventually share once you two are in a relationship together. Just like what Laura and I have." While he was telling me those, the gleam in his eyes sparkled even more. I could tell that he really regret that he never told her his feelings but then when it comes to the last part, genuine love dominated his eyes.

But regarding what he had said, I don't think I could move on after how many years of feeling this towards Erin. I remembered how it hurts me when I knew Erin had a boyfriend back then. I was so mad at myself for letting it happen, all I did was to blame myself for being a chicken.

Now, I am in the same predicament but only it was way more different. I have shown her a quarter of my feelings and I was losing my self-control. Erin on the other hand, was not hard to read, I could tell that she was also and still attracted to me but she was not yet acknowledging it unless she has my word.

Is this the right time I tell her how I feel? I don't know but Sanjay and Neil was right, I should take the risk and man up for the sake of Erin's feelings.

I just hope that if something happened between us, her and Olivia's friendship won't get affected.

"I guess I'll have to go now, Laura's been waiting for me." He patted my back again and stood up but before he could leave, I spoke.

"Sanjay, what made you think that I was having a problem like this?" I asked wanting to know if this was so obvious in my face.

"Men know men. Especially when we have already experienced it beforehand. Also, Zachary, if it wasn't a girl's problem, you wouldn't simply abandon your tons of workload just to look at a pepper farm on the other side of the globe. So, I wish you good luck, brother." He had a look of astonishment in his eyes.

"Stop whatever you will say. I don't have to hear it." I told him off because I knew that he will tease me.

He put his hands in the air as if surrendering. "The day has come for you to be whipped."

I showed him my glass to tell him thay I will throw it to him but he just shrugged his shoulders and waved his hand.

"Good night, Zachary." He said.

I nodded at him.

After finishing my scotch, I went to my room with a light and somewhat cheerful feeling. I told to myself that when I came home, I will ask for Erin's forgiveness and will ask her if she would give me a chance to date her.

But, as I was having a good night sleep after how many nights of not having it, I received a call from Olivia who's crying non-stop, in the middle of the night, telling me that Dad was rushed to the hospital due to heart attack.

I dialed Niccolo's phone and after three rings, he answered.

"Nick, Dad had a heart attack again. Now, Olivia knew and she's driving to the hospital. Please go to her, assist her and take care of her." I said on the phone while absentmindedly putting my clothes on my luggage bag.

When I heard Nick replied, I hung up and I immediately called Archer, our family's personal pilot, to ready the jet for I will be heading home tonight.

Oh God. What has happened now?

Olivia, please be strong. I am on my way home.

Hello loves,

What are your thoughts? For those who haven't or did not read Olivia's Knights (OK), the ending of this chapter is somewhat linked to that but don't worry, you need not read OK for you to follow this story.

But it would be nice if you will read it also. 😉

Anyway, please vote for this chapter.

Thank you.

xo,
kimmypatata