"I'm still chasin' feelings that I don't understand
I'm underwater, am I over you?"
....

I can't hear anything he’s saying to me because I'm having a silent panic attack at the edge of the dark elevator. My arm makes contact with the cold surface of the metal wall and I try to take in deep breaths.

I shut my eyes as I hear Kyle call out my name over and over again. He sounds concerned. I don't care, I just want him to leave me alone now. I'm not claustrophobic…I just don't need him close to me.

“Star…Star? Star!”

My eyes snap open and I realise that my breathing is concerning. Anyone would be worried by how shallow my breaths are.

My limbs freeze when I realise Kyle's hands are on me. He's trying to get me to calm down but it's actually making it worse.

“Just get off me please!” I cry and he backs off, his expression unreadable.

It helps. I'm breathing better now. I slump to the ground and take in huge breaths of air. As much as possible anyway. In a few minutes, my breathing comes back to normal and then I'm hit with the embarrassment of reacting the way I did. Yeah…I overreacted.

I look over at Kyle. He's standing silently in a corner, watching me. He's giving me the space I wanted. Thank goodness. At least he's doing something good for once.

The small, dark space is quiet and I'm still scared.
I’m thinking of Emily and Sam, I'm thinking about how long we might be in the elevator together, I'm thinking about why Kyle is still being nice to me after all I've done to him. After all the messages I've sent to him, physically, verbally and what not.

We hear a voice from a speaker and we both perk up.

“We are very sorry for the power failure that occurred a few minutes ago. We hope it didn't cause much inconvenience to you. In a few minutes, the power would be restored and you can go on smoothly with your shopping. Have a nice day.”

“The building would collapse and you'll still tell us to have a nice fucking day,” I mutter indistinctly under my breath.

Kyle chuckles.

I'm looking down at the floor. My heart twists at the sound of his laugh. God…I miss him. I can't believe it.

I don't say anything to him and he also doesn't say anything as we wait for the power to come back. I told him to leave me alone. I don't want him back in my life.
Yet…why am I bummed that he doesn't want to say anything?

He makes a sound and my heart soars with hope. But some seconds later I realise he's not speaking. He's singing. Or humming rather.

His hands are in his pockets and he's staring at the buttons on the wall in front of him. At first I can't make out what he's singing because it's faint and he's humming mostly to himself but then as I listen more closely, I realise it's our song.

If possible, my heart twists more. I get a bit angry. Why can't he just let it go? That song signified us. We're over so the song should be no more. Why is he singing it now? Well, humming but whatever. What is he trying to do?

I can't help myself. I suddenly blurt out, “why are you so cliché?”

There's so much disdain laced in my voice that I can't even try to hide. Yet he laughs.

“I don't disagree…but I really didn't know when I started to hum the song, honestly. I've been singing it so much in the past few days that it's now stuck in my head.”

I pause and take in his words. I can't help it anymore. I just can't ignore my feelings anymore. And especially when it's so clear he really likes me.

“You’re an idiot, you know that right?”

He smiles at me and I fight but I can't help the smile that tugs at my lips.

My eyes drift up to the top of his head and land on his curls. Why do I want so badly to run my fingers through it?

I freeze in shock at my thoughts.

“I know that. I've always been. But I wish I wasn't…to you. All the mistakes in my life I could have them except for just that one time I messed up with you, Star.”

My heart leaps as he says my name.

“Star, I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't want to hurt you, I promise. I thought I was doing the right thing but you were right. I should've prioritised your feelings before the competition. I didn't think about which was more important…but I swear I was doing it so you'd be happy. I was stupid to think you'll understand and everything would go on normally. I didn't…I didn't realise how much I liked spending time with you until you left. I miss you. I know once we leave this place we won't speak anymore but I just wanted you to know how I felt.”

I blink the tears that have welled up in my eyes away so rapidly I get dizzy for a while. I'm not gonna cry. I won't. I'm just gonna ignore him until we can leave…

My chest hurts with all the emotions I'm holding in. Honestly, I just want to hold him and cry and say that everything is alright. I've never ever even held him before but I just want to.

What's up with me?

“I forgive you…”

He's even more surprised than I am.

“You do?”

All my emotions are fighting with each other within me. My anger for him, my feeling of fondness, my jealousy for May, my feeling of betrayal. And they're all strong. Stronger than ever. And I'm so confused…I don't know which of them to follow.

There's one that's obviously stronger than the rest. That's the feeling of fondness, of care… I surrender to the feelings and let the strongest one take over me.

“I am. I want to be honest. With you. With myself…because I like honesty. You hurt me. And I cared about you. I trusted you…I don't know why.” I let out a short laugh. “Everyone told me not to trust you. It was just in my face, from every direction. Even from myself. But you seemed so…I don't know. I know you changed. I noticed it. And I liked you so much…I don't know how or why. I liked you so much that I got a panic attack when we kissed. I liked you so much that I didn't even think for more than ten seconds to say yes when you asked me to be your girlfriend.

“I've known a lot of people and as much as you were so cocky and irritating at first you were also so charming and…I don't know, I could see something precious about you. I don't know…”

“Star–”

“No wait…I care about you. And I don't care anymore what anyone says about you. You are an amazing person. I can be a bitch so I know a good person when I see one. You're kind and charming and easy going and I realised it late but I enjoy being with you. I forgive you Kyle but…we can only be friends if anything. It's easier that way.”

I had to fight the tears from spilling from my eyes as I said the last line. I didn't want to just be friends with him. I wanted him to be mine. But I decided to rely not only on feelings and decided that it was best we remain friends.

Kyle nods slowly. “Still being friends with you is more than I thought I would get of course.” He runs his hands through his hair. “I'm happy you forgave me, you have no idea. I've never felt worse in my life Star. I'm just…I'm happy we're okay. I promise I won't hurt you like that again.”

I tilt my head to the side and give him a smirk. “Don't worry sweetheart, I won't give you that power anymore.”

A blush creeps up his cheeks as he chuckles then he opens his arms out for a hug.
“Hug it out?”

My heart warms at the thought of being in his arms. I've never ever been that close physically with him. But I want to be.

I get up slowly and fall into his arms. His chest feels hard yet hugging him feels so comfortable. I shut my eyes as he wraps his arms around my waist tightly. I wrap mine around his neck and we stay there for a while. I want us to stay there forever. It feels so good to be against him. I wrap my arms around him tighter. He's so still…like if he moves we'd break apart and it'll all be over. I understand completely.

Suddenly the power comes back and I pull away from him quickly. I immediately reach out and tap the button to go to the ground floor repeatedly. Kyle has to drag my arm away from the button.

Not long after, the door opens up. When we step out, I find Emily and Sam waiting for me by the corner.

I narrow my eyes at their weird expressions. Kyle hangs around for a bit but then he walks off with a small wave.

I turn back to the both of them.
Emily tries to act surprised that she saw me talking to Kyle.

“Omg Star, was that Kyle? You guys are talking?!”

“What is going on?”

“What're you talking about?”

“I'm talking about–”

“Okay fine it was kinda a set up,” Sam rushes out like he can't hold it in anymore.

I raise my eyebrows at them and fold my arms.
“What are you talking about? You guys did this?”

“Well…actually we set you and Kyle up to meet in the elevator. We didn't have anything to do with the power failure. It was just fate I guess,” Emily says with an innocent smile.

I blink at them.

“Look, we just wanted you guys to talk. We were going to let it go if it didn't work out this time, we promise,” Sam says.

I want to call them out for trying to mess with my life. Especially after I told them I didn't want to see Kyle again. But…I remember that in the end I liked the fact that we got to talk. I feel so much lighter than I felt the past days and Kyle and I are good now. So…although they disrespected me by ignoring my choices…they did something good for me.

“You're so fucking lucky we made up,” I say with an eye roll. Although a smile is tugging at my lips.

Emily's eyes light up at my words.
“Alright start talking. You're not skipping out any details!”

I laugh as we all walk away from the elevator and towards the mall's exit. They already have all the bags ready so we're set to leave.

“I had no idea you'd ever say those words to Star to be honest,” Sam says as he trails behind us with the bags.

♬♬♬
Under/over - Gracie Abrams