"You don't have to lie to girls
If they like you they'll just lie to themselves
Like you, they'll just lie to themselves."
....

I know very well how it feels to be ignored.
I know what it can do to you and it's not a nice feeling. I won't ever want to ignore the people I care about but sometimes...it's necessary.

A few years after my parents divorced and I left our house, they tried to contact me. Years. They didn't bother to speak to me or know how I was doing for the years before then. The first few years I did try to call or text often but I never got a response.

Sometimes I think I'm the reason why they got divorced. Maybe I wasn't supposed to happen? Maybe they just needed me out of their lives so they wouldn't have to face the responsibility of raising me. Who knows, maybe they're back together now. That'll be funny.

Anyway, I didn't reply to them. I don't need their care or love anymore. They already showed me that they didn't give a shit about me. They don't need to say or do more. It's always going to be that way. I'm fine. My uncle and aunt are taking care of me pretty well. I have almost everything I want and need. And even if I didn't, I think sometimes you need to know when to let go of people.

Kyle has been flooding my phone with messages. They're all apologies and confessions and if I didn't know better, I'd say he actually liked me. Like...why is he going through all this stress? He should just forget about it. Forget about me. I'm trying to forget about him.

And my bffs are trying to make me forget about him by being the silliest people in the world.

"I spy with my little eye, something that begins with an S," Emily says.

"Hmm..." Sam hums and looks around the room with his small yet really observant eyes. "There are lots of things. Can you be more specific?"

"The thing is an idiot and has a terrible hair-"

Sam gasps and I burst out laughing.

"Emily!" I shreik amidst my laughter.

"How dare you? This is supposed to be a place where I am not judged!" Sam says indignantly.

"I was just teasing silly," Emily says while she batts her lashes.

I notice Sam's cheeks reddening slightly.

How can these two people not be together?!

I can't take it anymore. Even though it'll make everything so awkward...I have to ask. We have to talk about this.

"So...guys," I start and they turn their attention towards me like they forgot I was in my own room.

"Are you guys still...taking a break?"

Sam runs his hand through his already messed up hair.
"Yeah...we think it's best. For all of us."

"All of us?" I ask incredulously.

"Yeah," Emily tells me. "We didn't want to let out drama get into the way of all of us. And we're fine with it honestly. At least for now."

I nod with a sigh.
"I was so scared..."

They chuckle at me.
"Scared about?"

I raise my eyebrow at him.
"Our friendship being ruined because of the whole thing of course! But I also wanted you guys to be happy. I didn't know what to choose honestly."

"Well, you don't have to choose anymore. We're all good and that's what matters," Emily says.

"Yeah...and it's mostly because of you Star," Sam says. "You're like the glue holding us together."

My heart swells and my eyes water. "Really?"

"Of course," Emily agrees with a smile.

I've never felt more important in my life than when I'm with these people. They're just so special and I think everyone needs people or at least someone like that. Platonic love is so underrated.

"So, Star," Emily says in a tone that suggests that what is coming out of her mouth isn't something I'd like.
"We were thinking...that you need to talk to kyle."

"What?!"

Sam blinks at my outburst but he supports her.
"Yes...you need to talk to him. You need to say whatever you want to say and he needs to say whatever he wants to say. And you need to forgive him even if you don't want to have anything to do with him ever."

"We've already said everything we want to say to each other. He said he's sorry, I told him what I wanted to say and then I told him never to speak to me again. I just don't want to see him again!"
I feel anger bubbling up inside me.

"Star, you haven't forgiven him yet. We don't want you to carry that around with you. If you're letting go of him you have to let go of the resentment and anger."

"I'm not carrying anything," I say, folding my arms and looking downwards.

My phone buzzes with a text.

I don't read the message. I just roll my eyes before I look back up at them. They raise their brows at me.

"Star you need to really know what his own thoughts are on this, he's clearly sorry and he's clearly guilty-"

"I don't really need to know anything. He doesn't need to know anything, he's supposed to understand the situation as it is and then everyone should go on their own lives."

"Star, even if what he did didn't make sense...he might still be telling the truth. Do you think he'd bother to try to talk to you if he was lying?"

"I know he isn't lying. Or at least I believe him."

They stare at me, confusion etched on their faces.

"So why are you still mad at him? Why don't you want to talk to him?"

"Because I'm not ready for all the drama that has to do with him. I just can't do it. I'm cutting myself off from him because I want my peace of mind."

Sam shrugs.
"That's alright Star. But still...you have to talk with him. Just one last conversation. Closure."

"I don't need closure. May and the competition were more important than I was. What else is there to know?"

I see them exchange a glance.

"Alright then. If you think you don't need to speak with him...then you don't have to."

"Thank you..." I say slowly as I narrow my eyes at them. It seemed strange how they just agreed so simply and suddenly. But I won't question it. They're just trying to be supportive I guess.

An idea suddenly pops up in my head.

"Hey guys...since I didn't get the chance to actually sing the song I wrote on the day of the competition. I could sing it to you guys today."

"Oh that's a great idea," Emily says and gets up. "Come on let's go!"

I smile and hop off the bed, following them to the music room.

I end up not just singing and playing on the piano. I try out other instruments too because I just can't help it. When I'm in a room with instruments I want to play them all.

They tell me the song is great and I thank them. But they both have to leave soon. They go in their seperate ways though and as they leave I find it hard to accept that they're not together.

Afterwards, I walk back to the music room and stand in the middle of it. It's hard for me not to remember being in the one in school. With Kyle. It's like a curse. I can't pick up an instrument without thinking of him. I can't think of music without thinking of him. It's not fair. Why did he get to like music?

Would it always be this way?

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I take it out. All the other messages he sent didn't affect me except making me feel a bit guilty. But this once causes my heart to skip a beat.

I hope this makes you think of me even if for a second because it's not fair that you get to be on my mind all the time

I try to take deep breaths. I drop the phone on the piano next to me. He can't do that! That's not fair!

In the next few seconds my emotions and my logical reasoning are fighting a serious battle. In the end I just decide to be honest with myself.

I'm holding back my emotions. I'm acting like I don't care...just so I could be safe. But really...I do care. I still care. I still like him. So much. And I miss him. But I don't want to get hurt anymore.

I didn't block him. Why don't I block him? Why do I still want to see his messages? I think that's telling me something. A message. I think about all the silent messages. Messages from Sam to Emily, from Emily to Sam, from me to myself, from me to Kyle, from Kyle to me, from the world to me.

These unspoken messages that carry a lot. That are more important. Sometimes we need to focus on the unsent, silent messages to see what's actually true.

And I'm slowly beginning to understand how to understand mine.

♬♬♬
Lie to girls - Sabrina Carpenter