"Can I exhale for a minute?
Can I get this out in the open?
Can I sit down for a second?
Can I breathe?"
....

I'm so fucking scared.

I'm standing backstage with Emily and Sam with a bunch of other performers and I really just want to run out of the place and lock myself in my room.

What even made me do this?

I was so sure yesterday when I said I wanted to perform a song myself, I was more than ready. I already pictured myself on stage singing to the audience with a bright smile on my face.

Right now all I want to do is puke…or run. I'm considering the second option. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to go home.

I just realise that a reason why I'm so scared to do this is because I might not be able to forgive myself when it's all over. It's not like I don't know what I'm doing. Even if I did something wrong and someone did this to me…I'd feel so hurt. Would I be able to live with the guilt? Should I stoop to his level?

You're not stooping to anyone's level. You're just doing what you want to do. What you feel is right. You're caring about your feelings.

Yes, thank you voice in my head that is so much more reasonable than me.

I know I wouldn't be able to run away from it anyway because my best friends are not going to let that happen. They both told me it was a bad idea in the beginning and that I didn't have to do it. They emphasised how crazy it was but I still begged and begged and then forced them to support me. And now they're forced to come here today to support me. They're not going to let me go. And somehow I'm grateful that I have them to support me as I'm scared even though it's kinda for their selfish reasons.

“Star…Star breathe,” Sam tells me. “You got this.”

I run my hands over the length of my light blue jeans and take deep breaths.

“I got this…I got this,” I repeat over and over to myself.

“Here, you can have my lucky hat,” Sam says, taking off a white cap that he wears to almost all his games from his head and handing to me.

It's a sweet gesture but I can't help but notice how terrible his hair is looking.

He notices Emily and I’s stares and purses his lips.

“I know…I'm having a really bad hair day. It happens okay? Are you taking the cap or not?”

“It's a sweet gesture, thanks,” I say with a smile and take the cap from him. He runs his hand through his hair to get it to look somewhat okay but it doesn't work.

Emily, who always loves when people look their best, is having a hard time trying to pretend it's fine. Yet, I notice how she stares at him longingly as he runs his hand through the hair. I smirk to myself. They're definitely not over each other.

“It fits your outfit perfectly!” she chirps and claps her hands excitedly.

“It does,” Sam agrees. “You look great, you'd do great. Now get yourself ready!”

I nod a take more deep breaths. Then I get my song book and go over the song. I wrote it the day before so there's a good chance I can forget a line or two…and that would be bad. I can't embarrass myself out there. It would ruin the whole thing, the whole point of this.

Which is to get back at Kyle.

I just can't stop thinking of him, thinking of our song, thinking of what he'll think after seeing what I'm about to do.

No, Kyle's a bad guy. Stop caring about his feelings. He didn't care about yours.

For the first time in a while I finally reason the whole situation. Maybe he really didn't mean to hurt me. But I knew that that wasn't the real reason I was mad. I wasn't mad because I didn't believe he was saying the truth…I mean he was crying.

I was mad because he cared more about May and what she was doing than me and what I'd think at first. That was it.

I'm drawn out of my mind by the sound of my best friends bringing me back to life.

“Star!”

I blink. “You're name! It's your turn to perform!”

My stomach churns at their words. I'm sweating a little but I can't back down now. I have to do this.

I drop my song book nearby and start walking towards the stage. I hear my best friends scream good luck at me and I smile.

The audience is actually so much bigger than I expected. The way Kyle talked about it, I expected not more than 50 people but this about 500.

I take deep breaths and walk up to the piano in the centre of the stage. I sit behind it I look out at the crowd. They're so much I can't even focus on one face. That's good. I look down at the piano.

I'm safe. I've played this instrument all my life.

“I'll be singing a song called black and white,” I tell the audience.

My fingers drop down on the keys immediately, playing the first chord of the song. The song has began.

I start off nice and I'm proud of myself. I'm sure Emily and Sam are too.

“Every time, it's like I've figured it all out
In my mind, I think I know what life is all about
And I try, to break it down, to know what I could try
To survive, the scorching sun, the winds and the night sky

The mornings I feel like there's nothing that matters
The feelings and thoughts in my head are all scattered
The colours are fading, get me out of the water
I'm drowning, I'm losing my touch, I feel lighter

Than a feather, the summer is the winter, my head is on fire, but my heart's getting colder…”

My voice suddenly hitches in my throat because I'm getting so comfortable that I have the sudden confidence to look into the crowd. And I spot him. I see his face from the multitude of faces in the crowd staring at the stage, at me. He catches my eyes and I'm suddenly paralysed.

I look away, and back at the piano. It suddenly dawns on me…I've messed up. I can now hear the crowd murmur and whisper to themselves. My heart pounds in my chest and my throat clenches. I should go on. I should just finish the song.

But I can't. The urge to cry is so strong, tears have welled up in my eyes so much that I can't see properly. I try to blink them away but more and more are coming. My stomach turns and twists. I want to throw up. I can't throw up on stage. His face flashes through my head. And then I remember us sitting in the music room, practicing the song, I remember us at the park, back at school again, him telling me how much it means to him.

I can't do it anymore. The tears have already started to flow, they've already started to stream down my face. I'm crying. On stage.

I should get out of here.

So I do. I get up and run off the stage.

Emily and Sam are waiting for me, worry etched on their faces. Once I appear backstage they wrap their arms around me and I cry.

They don't ask me what happened, they just hold me.

“It's fine Star,” Emily tells me.

“No it's not,” I say through my tears. I don't tell them about Kyle. I pull away a few moments later and wipe the tears off of my face, feeling embarrassed about the whole thing. They can't wipe the confusion off their faces but they still don't want to ask. I can't believe that just happened. Everything ruined. I don't even want to think about it. I'm just tired.

“We should go,” Sam says.

“Yeah we don't have to stay here longer.”

I nod and as we leave I hear the host of the competition apologising for the whole drama.

Yeah go me.

We haven't taken more than five steps outside the building when I freeze. My heart begins to thud in my chest.

Emily and Sam notice.
“What is it?”

“My song book!” My voice cracks slightly out of fear that I would lose it.

They wait for me and I dash back into the building like a maniac. I try to recall the last place I was when I had it.

The place pops up in my head. It was at a corner backstage, close to the bathrooms. Once I arrive, I dash straight for the place, ignoring the stares and whispers of the other contestants around me.

But to my surprise…and maybe horror I see Kyle standing at that spot and he's holding the song book in his hands. He sees me run towards him and he steps aside so I don't crash I to him but luckily- for me- I stop on time and don't crash into a wall.

When I stop, I'm panting like crazy and I'm leaning on a wall. After I catch my breath I notice he's still standing, waiting for me.

I look up at him without a word. He hands me the book back.

“I came to…look for you and saw it lying here.”

I have so many things I want to say to him and at the same time I don't want it speak to him again. Everything that happened, it was his fault. If he wasn't stupid and didn't do what he did, I wouldn't have gotten mad and performed by myself. We would have performed together and maybe won. If he didn't show up today and I didn't see his stupid face in the crowd, I wouldn’t have stopped singing and run out of the stage crying like an idiot.

Why is he here? Why can't he just leave me alone?

I glare at him and then snatch the book out of his outstretched hands. I start to walk away but he calls me back. I don't answer.

“You sounded beautiful.”

I freeze. He can't do that. He can't. He can't make me like him and then break my heart, and then appear out of nowhere and say that.

I don't know why his words and actions make me so mad. If I looked at it from a different perspective, he's just sorry and wants to make it up to me by apologising, watching me play, finding my songbook and now telling me I sounded great even though I knew I fucked up on stage. He was just trying to be nice. Trying to prove that he cares.

But he proved that he cared too before. And I believed him and he did what he did and although I believe his story now, I'm still mad at him for falling into May's trap, for still having anything to do with her, for picking her over me in the one moment he was meant to choose what was more important. I'm still mad about him making me feel so vulnerable, making me give him the power to hurt me like that, messing with my feelings.
I'm also mad at myself for letting all of this happen, for getting myself hurt.

And then I realise something. I haven't officially broken up with him.

“We're over Kyle. Incase it's not clear.”

“What…?” He looks so lost, so confused. Perfect. Just how I felt.

I knew I was being unfair but honestly, this was the best thing to do. I'm not like his other girls, I'm not like any other person in fact and I don't want to get involved with him and all these games. He might truly like me but he's turning my already abnormal world upside down and I don't want it. I want my peace of mind.

“We're done Kyle. Don't speak to me again.”

And then I storm off. I did the right thing, I tell myself, yet it doesn't stop the tears from falling. As much as it hurts, it's for the best.

“What happened Star?” Emily asks as they rush over to me once I step outside. I know they're asking about now and during the performance as well. I'm gonna have to tell them eventually.

“It's a long story. Let's just go home,” I whisper and wipe my face with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. “I'm so exhausted.”

In every sense.

♬♬♬
Exhale - Sabrina Carpenter