"I wanna get him back,
I wanna make him really jealous
Wanna make him feel bad oh."
....

I wish I could take my own anger out on him with you,” Emily says with a sigh.

“You're always welcome.”

I look over at her with sympathy. Emily has always had an interest in the world of fashion and modelling. Since she was a kid, she has always loved to dress up in cute, trendy clothes. In her early teens she started to design outfits so she spent most of her free time drawing them. She also liked the concept of modelling so she has always wanted to be one too.

She has always tried to get noticed for her skill and enthusiasm but she hasn't ever been no matter how many times she tries. A week ago she tried to audition for a modelling role but she didn't get it and it really bummed her out.

“He'd just probably die if I unleash all the anger in me on him.”

“Wouldn't that be a good thing?” I ask and shift on the grey, leather couch in her living room.

“It would but I don't want to commit murder.” She sighs and lays down at the edge of the chair, her blonde hair fanning out around her head.

There's a brief silence for while. I want to ask her about Sam. I don't see him around often and I definitely know the reason why. It's what I feared all along. If things keep going like this, Sam would drift farther and farther away from us and eventually just cut off from us completely. I don't want that. I don't want Sam to go.

But as I'm about to ask her about him, another thought pops into my head.

I suddenly remember the music club. I remember the competition. What happens to it?

Well I'm definitely not going to perform with him. I can't even look at him. Does this mean that it would just go? Everything we did?  Not like it was much but still.

I just realise at that moment that the competition actually means a lot to me. When Kyle and I were practising, it really didn't seem so important. It's now I realise that it symbolised something special. I love music. He loves music. We created music together. We were going to perform it together.

My heart aches from the thought. And then another thought from somewhere rushes into my head.

I'm gonna perform. I'm going to do it by myself. Not the song Kyle and I made. One I'll write myself.

“I'm still doing the competition.”

Emily turns her head to me. “What?”

“The music competition. I'm going to perform.”

“What?” She sits up now. “I thought you said you didn't want anything to do with Kyle again?”

“I did. I'm not performing with him. I'm going to enter the competition myself. He said the registration is always open until the last day…and it's tomorrow.”

I didn't realise it until I say it. I can't believe it's actually tomorrow. Tomorrow would've been the day Kyle and I would perform on the stage. The day we may or may not have won, the day when we would have been brought closer by our love for music.

But now things have changed. Tomorrow is going to be the day only I would perform on the stage, the day I might win, the day I'll prove something to the world and myself.

“Are you sure about this?” she asks. “You know you don't have to.”

“No, no I have to. I want to. I'm gonna.”

“Star, it will just remind you of Kyle. Aren't you trying to forget him? You're supposed to try and forget him. It'll just make things worse.”

“No, no, Emily, I just feel like I have to, you know?”

“Star,” she says strictly. I freeze and look at her. “Leave this. Leave the competition. Leave everything that has to do with Kyle. You'll just get hurt more and more instead of healing from the whole thing.”

“Emily, I'm not doing it for Kyle. He can fuck off. I'm doing it for me.”

“Okay, I understand.” She moves her hair out of her face. “but I don't really think that's a good idea.”

I sigh and lay back on the couch.
“Emily I know you're just trying to look out for me. You're trying to be a great friend and I appreciate that. I know that doing this thing would remind me of Kyle one way or another but I'll be honest here. These past few days, I've felt like…I'm not in control. Not in control of my thoughts, my body, the world around me. And you know me, you know that I'm always in control…at least in control of myself.

“I feel like I've just been tied up and someone is just playing with me like a puppet and I hate the feeling. I hate how I was decieved, how stupid I felt. I know it's okay to make mistakes but I just feel like I need to do something that reminds me that I'm in control of myself. I can't even write songs anymore, Emily. And maybe if I focus today, I might write one. So please, I need you to support me on this or I'll just keep feeling confused and disoriented.”

Emily gives me a long stare, her eyes focused like she's fighting between her emotions, her logic and her love for her best friend.

“Fine,” she says and my face lights up with joy. I strangle her in a hug and she begs to be released. I let her go, laughing.

“If you think it'll make you feel better then okay. But don't do anything stupid.”

“I won't I promise.”

She gets up and checks her phone.
“Well time's running out. Come on, if you don't want to miss it.”

I smile at her gratefully and we go on our way.

***

It's been about an hour since I got back. Emily stayed for a while but she had to leave.

I'm sitting at my table, my song book out in front of me.

What should I write about?

Why does the world work the way it does? I ask myself. I've always had this feeling of resentment towards the world. It always works the way it wants, it doesn't care if it affects anyone or not. And everyone just goes with it. Many people don't try to make it a better place. They see the bad things, the suffering, the evil yet they don't want to stop it in their own little way. They just do things based on selfish reasons.

I've always never liked people in general because it's so frustrating to deal with them, with their rudeness, cockiness, sense of entitlement, lack of empathy. Of course not everyone is like this but most people are.

You can't even really trust anyone besides yourself and you just have to take the risk. I've always been cynical. Everyone is selfish. Everyone thinks about themselves too much, the good person can also be evil, and even people that claim to be kind can be wicked and inconsiderate too.

And I know that there are good people. But they're so rare and they're also being corrupted by the world they're living in. So thinking about it all is so frustrating.

I hate the world. I hate people. Or maybe I just hate Kyle. All I know is I'm angry and I hate something…or someone….or everything.

I just sound so pathetic. But I know that singing at this competition, whether I win or not would make me feel like my normal self. I say I want to do it for myself and I know that's true but deep down I know that one reason why I want to do it is to get back at Kyle.

I want him to feel hurt. I want him to feel bad. I want him to feel betrayed. And if I win, it'll just make the revenge feel better because I know he really wants to win this. And he knows I know how much he wants to win it. I want him to feel double the pain I felt after what he did. I know revenge isn't the best thing, anger and resentment wouldn't help me heal but I just want to do this. After this I'll make sure to forget him, forget he ever existed and definitely leave the music club afterwards because as much as I love being in the club…I don't want to have anything to do with him again.

And that's when the inspiration strikes. My heart races in joy and I put my pen down on the paper immediately the first line pops into my head. When I write songs, I either write them in about five minutes or I don't ever finish it at all. It just flows like that until it's over. And I'm so satisfied that the words coming out are just exactly how I feel.

A few minutes later I drop my pen and go over the song again, tweaking some things here and there. I sing it out once more and then I smile to myself. It's perfect. And it's definitely the song I'm singing tomorrow.

♬♬♬
Get him back - Olivia Rodrigo