“Don't be scared, little child, of that feeling,
you're in love, you found heaven.”
....

I'm kinda not surprised that Kyle is acting like the whole thing that happened yesterday didn't happen.

I walk into the music room the next day, my stomach churning and my hands trembling. I expect everything between us to be awkward as hell. Maybe we won't even speak again?

At first I think…hey that's a good thing. It's an easier way of getting out of this mess. But then I realise no…it's not a good thing. If he never wants to have anything to do with me again, I'll be devastated.

I open up the door slowly and find him sitting behind a piano. He's scribbling in a notebook I recognise to be his song book and he's concentrating really hard on the thing he's writing.

I think about the first days when I'll just walk in abruptly or call out his name loudly, causing him to jump. I don't even feel like doing that now.

“Kyle?” I call softly and he whips his head around, his eyes widening. I guess no matter what, he'd always be startled to see me.

His eyes constrict and he gives me a small smile that really confuses me. “Hey Star.” He goes back to his writing.

I'm still thinking about the things he said the day before and it's the only thing in my head at the moment. As a result, everything is still weird and it's like there's this sort of tension that is in the room just like that time. But I think I'm the only one feeling that tension.

As much as I want to act like it never happened, it still annoys me that he can just pretend it never did. But I tell myself that it's okay. In the end it's better this way. It's easier.

“Um…you working on a song?”

I walk up to him. Standing that close to him makes me feel on edge but I try my best to ignore it.

I peer into the note and see that he's indeed working on a song. A new one. Oh, well I guess we aren't using mine.

“I see you're writing another song,” I continue with a hint of annoyance in my voice. “I thought you said you liked mine?”

He jots down one more word before he drops the pen and runs his hand through his curls. He looks up at me. His face is so nice to look at, I admit.

“I did. I really liked it but…”

Ah of course.

“...it doesn't really match the theme you know?”

I raise a brow. “There's a theme?”

“Yeah,” he tells me as I grab a chair and drag it over to where he is. I place it a few feet away and sit down.

“I guess I haven't told you much about the competition.”

“Yeah apparently. So what's the theme?”

“Something heartfelt, something positive…upbeat…” he explains.

“Oh…right. So…what do you have?”

“ I was thinking…” he takes the book from the piano and hands it over to me. I take it and stare down in interest. “Something about…change.”

He sees my forehead crease in confusion.

“Something about how a person who has been stuck in this monotony of his life suddenly discovers something…new and then their world changes because of this thing. And at first the change is terrifying as expected but then after all that, they realise how special this change is to them?” He raises an eyebrow at me as if saying, you understand?

I nod slowly. Why does this sound so familiar...

“So…do you like the lyrics? You can change up some lines you think aren't good enough. I also used some lines and suggestions from the past songs we've shared so it'll be...you know, our project."

My eyes skim the lines. I'm not really in the right headspace, using his words. I want to say but I just nod. “They're perfect.”

I can see some lines from my own song, some from the first song he showed me and some suggestions I made, like he said. It's actually perfect...I admit we work well together as a team.

His eyes light up. “Really? Everything?”

“Uh huh…” I hand the book back to him and he takes it, staring at me carefully. “When is this competition anyway?”

“Oh…” he scratches his head. “In about a week.”

My eyes widen. “What?”

He chuckles. “Come on, there's still time. And the registration is always open until the last day because they don't have many people signing up. But still, I registered for us yesterday. So yeah.”

“That was sooner than expected…” I admit, running my hand through the length of my hair.

He smiles at me knowingly. “Are you nervous?”

“Of course, you aren't?”

“For the competition? Not really. I'm used to performing for crowds...hey, it'll be fine. And like you said, even if we don't win, it doesn't change anything right?”

I nod and take a deep breath. “Yeah…”

“Great. Alright so I decided that we should sing with the piano since it goes with it more.”

“Oh yeah? I haven't heard it yet.”

“Shit. That's true. Alright here's how it goes.”

***

I don't know how it happened.

After he sings the song for me -which sounds great– I agree that it would go better with the piano and so we move over to one and sit down behind it.

We’re sitting so close that our thighs are touching. Well, I’m wearing shorts and he's wearing jeans but still. The closeness and physical contact foggs my brain up and muddles up my thoughts. It’s a serious battle I’m fighting here.

As for him, he doesn't seem to notice…or care. He starts showing me a little something he made. He says he didn't want to make everything up himself so he waited to show me.

“Aw that's so nice of you,” I purr, earning a chuckle from him. I like when he laughs at my jokes. Sometimes even when I'm not trying to be funny. I like the sound of his laugh. Makes me feel nice.

“Hey, it's our song. It won't be fair if I did everything.”

“That's true,” I say and set my fingers on the keys, playing a chord. I make up something I really like on the spot and I guess he also really likes it too.

“That's brilliant,” he says amidst a gasp and I can't help but laugh. I watch as his mouth stretches into a grin as he looks down to try and redo what I just did.

He doesn't get it quite right and I don't think before I place my hands over his to teach him the right way. He freezes for a second and I do too once I realise what I've done.

My heart begins to thud in my chest at the feeling of his warm skin on mine. We are sitting so close. Why are we so close? I should shift away a little. Maybe just a tiny bit. One that wouldn't be noticeable.

I try to move but I’m frozen. Even my vocal chords can't work anymore.

Why isn't he doing or saying anything either?

The butterflies that swarms wildly in my stomach makes me realise what is going on at that moment.

I feel Kyle's surprisingly soft hands come up from under my own hands and rest atop it. And I think that's bad enough.

My breath hitches in my throat when I feel his fingers slowly intertwine with mine. He suddenly starts to feel so much more closer to me than I would prefer.

So close that I can even smell the faint scent of his perfume. Why am I still here?  Why can't I move my body? Just get up and run Star!

My hand drops slightly and the piano makes a small sound. This makes me to look over at him. The absolute worst mistake I could make at the moment.

He’s staring down at me, his eyes boring into mine, making me feel like melting, like ice-cream on a scorching day.

My heart is pounding so much in my chest that I am sure he can hear it. Yet he makes no indication. He's focused on something else.

Oh that's true…my lips.

Oh no. No no no. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. Help me! Anyone! I need help! SOMEONE FUCKING HELP ME OUT OF THIS ROOM!

I could've helped myself but I’m literally frozen. It feels like my limbs have seized. And I’m beginning to sweat.

I’m not in control anymore. And he has started to lean forward. He pauses for second, probably thinking if it was a good idea but then he probably reasoned, she's not running away, she's here. It's fine.

Then before I can take in another breath, I feel his soft, warm lips on mine and I temporarily evaporate. The feelings I experience at that moment, I can't explain. It's so fucking overwhelming.

A beat later and then I get control over myself back.

Oh great, it's now you fucking work!

I pull away, grab my backpack and dash out of the music room before he can even say anything, heading traight to the bathroom.

Fortunately, it’s empty. I run into a stall, lean on a wall and when I realise that it isn't strong enough to hold, I slide to the floor, taking in deep breaths, trying to calm down my pounding heart.

I feel tears well up in my eyes. My stomach churns and I feel like I would throw up.

I fumble for my phone and dial Emily's number. I'm sure I sound so paranoid because she arrives about ten minutes later, panting.

I am feeling a little better by the time she arrives, but my head is still spinning and my heart hasn't really gone back to it's normal rate.

“What happened?”

“He kissed me,” I rush out through my heavy breathing.

Emily's eyes widen. “What?!”

“I know I know, I'm overreacting. It's just…I'm so fucking scared Emily. I don't know why–” my voice brakes and I start to sob quietly.

“Omg Star…it's okay, it's okay.” She wraps her arms around me and tries to calm me down. She tries to tell me jokes and random stuff so I would take my mind off of it.

It mostly works. But my heart is still pounding in my chest and and my head is dizzy.

She walks me home and immediately I get to my room I slump on my bed. She stays here with me for about an hour before she says she has to go home.

“It's fine Star. It's okay. You talk with me tomorrow okay?” she assures, giving me one last hug before she leaves.

***

Hey, I'm really sorry for what happened today. Can we talk? Please :(

All the feelings that I think have mostly gone are now back again like they never left.

I'm overreacting. I'm overreacting. It's not a big deal. It happens all the time.

Yeah but not to me.

It definitely wasn't me reacting that way. It was my stupid emotions that have all come back to me in full force. And they were too damn strong.

I sit at my table with my head in my hands. I think of writing a song. One that would finally be about my emotions but I can't. I don't know why. Right now, I can't.

How can someone feel so terrible yet so happy at the same time? Why hasn't the fluttering in my stomach gone down yet?

Why is this boy doing all this to me? What the fuck is up with him?

I'm about to get angry at him but then I remember the image of his big brown eyes as they bore into mine, I remember his warm fingers intertwining with mine, his soft lips as they met mine. I remember his stupid message.

I think about how terrible he might be feeling. How confused he could be feeling. How confused I'm feeling.

I have to talk to him. I can't run forever.

♬♬♬
Found heaven - Conan Gray