Chapter 34

Bahagyang naka-kunot iyong noo niya na para bang nagulat siya sa pagtawag ko sa kanya. Magkakilala kaming dalawa, pero hindi kami close. Sure, we'd say hi, hello kapag nagkakasalubong kami, but it probably threw him off a little nang kausapin ko siya bigla. Kahit man ako ay nagulat at naguluhan sa sarili ko.

"I mean... yes, sure," sabi niya. "Is this work-related or hindi naman?" tanong niya sa akin habang hawak niya pa rin iyong mug niya. Kitang-kita ko iyong usok na nanggagaling doon.

"Work," sagot ko pagkatapos kong huminga nang malalim. It felt good. I felt like I needed that.

Bahagya siyang tumango. "I see," he replied. "I have a meeting in 20 minutes. Are you available to meet tomorrow?"

Tumango ako. "Yes."

"Okay. What time?"

"Lunch?"

"Lunch," he repeated what I said. "Is this about..." Huminto siya at tinignan akong mabuti. "Is this about a case?"

Tumango ako. "I think you know what we're talking about."

Bahagya ulit siyang tumango. "I see," muling sabi niya. "Probably lunch outside isn't the best idea."

"Agreed," sabi ko. "So, saan tayo magkikita?"

"Dito na lang, if it's alright with you?"

Tumango ako. "I'll see you tomorrow," sabi ko bago bahagyang ngumiti sa kanya at tumalikod. It was only when I was certain that I was already out of his eyeline that I felt my knees buckling. Agad akong napa-hawak sa may pader malapit sa elevator. "What the fuck was I thinking?" bulong ko sa sarili ko habang pilit na humihinga nang maayos.

Shit.

I just arranged to meet with Samuel's lawyer—I was pretty sure at this point na siya nga iyong abogado ni Samuel. Iñigo wouldn't lie to me. After nung nanyari sa kanila ni Kitty, I knew that he promised to himself na hindi na siya gagawa ng 'ganon.' He never actually defined what 'ganon' was but for some reason, we all understood what he meant. I knew that when he said those things, he really was looking out for me.

Okay.

Kaya ko 'to.

Dumiretso ako pabalik sa opisina. I finished my other works first. I kept on reminding myself that I shouldn't let myself get too sucked in the drama. This was just work—yes, this was their life, but for me, it's just my work. Pagkatapos nito ay babalik din ako sa dati kong buhay. I really needed to draw the line and respect the line.

"Hi, sorry for calling you so late," sabi ko nung sumagot si Shanelle sa tawag ko. It was already 11PM. Nandito pa rin ako sa opisina. Kaka-tapos ko lang sa ibang mga deliverables ko kaya naman ngayon ko pa lang inaayos iyong sa kanya.

"It's fine," sagot niya. "Why?"

"You said that you just want people out of your business, right?"

"Yes."

"You don't mind kung ma-grant iyong annulment?"

Hindi siya naka-sagot agad.

"You're doing it," she said, instead.

"I am."

"Did they agree?"

"Hindi pa, but I already set a meeting with Samuel's lawyer."

"Oh, so you've met with Yago."

"So, alam mo na siya iyong lawyer all along?"

"No. Just a hunch."

Napa-sandal ako sa swivel chair ko dahil sa sagot niya. Napa-hilot ako sa sentido ko. Kailangan ko na sigurong kausapin iyong doctor ko at magpa-prescribe ng anti-anxiety medicine dahil dito kay Shanelle. Mahal man ang bayad niya sa akin, pakiramdam ko ay deserve ko bawat sentimo dahil sa sakit ng ulo na binibigay niya sa akin.

"Pero tama ba ako?"

"Yes," sagot ko. "Question—bakit hindi ka pumunta kay Yago?" tanong ko sa kanya. Kasi kung ako ang nasa posisyon niya? I would definitely consider Yago first before considering myself. I mean... wasn't that the smart thing to do? And Shanelle's all kinds of things but stupid's not one of them.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because... he's a better lawyer than me?"

"By whose standards?" she asked.

"Ewan."

"You're good at your job. You're clearly dedicated. And I feel like you feel like you have something to prove—so that's definitely on my advantage."

Napa-hilot ako sa sentido ko. "Thanks, I guess?"

"No problem," sagot niya. "Do I need to be at the meeting?"

"Yes? Kasi kaso mo 'to?"

"But it's collusion—I want to have a plausible deniability."

Natawa akong bahagya. "Wow."

"Don't take it personally, Atty. Manjarrez. I need to protect myself first and foremost."

"Well, it's hard not to take that personally when I'm here risking my license and you want plausible deniability."

"What can I say? Every job has its risks," she said. I could imagine her shrugging and sarcastically smiling at me. Or maybe if we're outside, she'd say that with a stick of cigarette in between her teeth. "Plus I'm the client—I come first."

Huminga ako nang malalim. "Fine."

"Great. You already know what I want. I trust that you'll get the better end of the deal, Atty. Manjarrez," sabi niya bago ako babaan ng tawag. Pambihira. Akala mo hindi seryosong kaso iyong pinag-uusapan naming dalawa, e. May better end of the deal ba sa kaso ng annulment? Kasi based on experience, it's just worse or worst. Because at the end of the day, you are or were stuck in a bad marriage. There's nothing good about that.

I began to form my outline. Hindi pa naman sigurado lahat, pero ayoko lang na wala akong masabi bukas kapag nag-usap kami ni Yago. Besides... I appreciated what Shanelle said. Bakit nga ba hindi ako? Bakit ba ang baba ng tiwala ko sa sarili ko? Nagta-trabaho naman ako nang maayos. Ginagawa ko lahat. Kaya bakit nga ba hindi ako?

At around 1AM, napagod na ako sa ginagawa ko. I stood up and decided to call it a day. Dumaan muna ako sa bukas pa na kainan tapos ay nagtake out ako.

"Thank you," sabi ko sa nag-abot sa akin nung paper bag na mayroong laman na tapsilog. It's been years since I last ate this. Ewan ko. Hindi ko makain dati. Para kasing nababadtrip agad ako kahit makita ko lang 'yan sa menu. Pero ngayon? Parang hindi na.

Wow, growth ba 'to?

After kong magpark ng sasakyan, umikot na ako para pumasok sa building ng condo ko. Napa-kunot iyong noo ko nang parang may makita akong pamilyar na mukha mula sa malayo. Ilang beses kong ipinikit at idinilat ang mga mata ko—kinusut-kusot ko pa iyon dahil pakiramdam ko ay masyadong babad na ang mga mata ko kaka-tingin sa monitor ng computer ko kaya kung anu-ano na ang nakikita ko.

But when that figure started to walk towards me?

"Ano'ng... ginagawa mo rito?" I had to ask after kong tignan iyong relo ko at makita ko na quarter to two na.

He just shrugged as a response. "Ngayon ka lang naka-uwi?" he asked.

Naka-kunot ang noo ko. "Inaabangan mo ba ako?"

Bahagya siyang natawa. "Pangit ng term—parang may masamang balak ako."

"Well, it's 2AM. Malamang may masama ka ngang sadya kasi bakit ka nandito ng ganitong oras?" diretsong tanong ko sa kanya kasi hindi ko gets kung paanong nangyari na ilang taon na ni anino niya, hindi ko nakita tapos biglang ngayon, kahit saan ako tumingin ay nandoon ata siya. Either malakas ang trip ng tadhana o malakas ang amats ni Samuel.

"Hindi ako maka-tulog."

"Okay? Nandito ba iyong gatas at nandito ka dumiretso?" I asked. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sobrang pilosopo ko sa kanya. Basta ang unang pumapasok sa isip ko tuwing may sasabihin siya ay barahin siya. Simula pa lang, tigilan niya na.

Umayos siya ng tayo. Inilagay niya iyong dalawang kamay niya sa magkabilang bulsa niya. He looked like he came from work tapos ay dumiretso siya rito dahil sa suot niya.

"Naka-usap mo si Yago?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes. And this could've been a text kung iyan lang ang pinunta mo rito."

"Wala akong number mo."

Bahagya akong natigilan. That... sounded familiar. Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko para alalahanin, pero mabilis ko ring pinutol iyon. What we had—it's a thing of the past. Iyon na 'yon. Tama na. There's no need to rehash what happened because it already happened.

"There's a reason why you don't have my number," I replied.

"Ngayon ka pa lang magdidinner?" he asked instead nang mapa-tingin siya sa hawak kong paper bag.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga tapos ay tinignan siya ng diretso sa mga mata niya. "Samuel, we're both adults. Kilala natin ang isa't-isa. Just tell me what you want. No need to beat around the bush."

"Why did you set a meeting with my lawyer?" he asked.

"For my client," I replied.

"She finally told you?"

"Yes," I said. "That's all I'll say to you," I continued because I didn't want to discuss Shanelle's sexuality with him. Tama naman si Shanelle—it's not some topic na pwedeng pag-usapan ng ibang tao. It's her. It's her life. It's hers to discuss.

He nodded. "I know," he replied. "I just went here to talk to you because if I'm right... I don't want you risking anything," he added.

"Malaki na ako. Kaya ko ang sarili ko," sagot ko sa kanya. "Iyon lang ba ang pinunta mo rito? Kasi magkikita naman kami ng abogado mo bukas—I mean mamayang lunch. You should've waited for a few more hours kaysa para kang tangang naghintay dito," diretsong sabi ko sa kanya kasi ayoko na nandito siya at naghihintay sa akin.

He's married.

That's reason enough para lumayo siya sa akin. Besides, siya iyong kasal at hindi ako... kaya nakaka-irita na ako pa iyong kailangang magpaalala sa kanya sa tigilan niya ako.

"I know you're mad at me—"

"Oh, my god, Samuel. Don't go here and make this about us," I said, cutting him off. "I am your wife's lawyer baka nalilimutan mo. Please don't go here and reminisce about the past kasi tangina napipikon na ako sa 'yo."

I loved him.

I loved him so much that at one point, I loved him more than I love myself...

Pero ngayon? I just hate him.

I hate him so much.

I kept on thinking about how I hate him.

And on some days, that's all I think about.

Hating him.

Mostly him.

But I got better with time. Kontrolado ko na iyong sarili ko. Kaya kahit nandito siya, kahit bumalik siya, kahit tawagin niya iyong pangalan ko, kahit magmakaawa siya, kahit umiyak siya, kahit lumuhod siya?

Hindi na.

Ayoko na.

"Deanne—" he said habang namumula iyong paligid ng mga mata niya. "I'm sorry..."

I had to avert my gaze.

I hated how this apology sounded so different from his past apology. Like this time, he meant it. Like this time, he finally realized the pain he caused me when he left me.

Mabilis kong pinahid iyong luha ko bago pa siya kumawala mula sa mga mata ko.

"Sorry... Sorry... Wala ng silbi 'yang sorry mo ngayon..."

We were standing there like idiots. Bakit ba kami umiiyak? Ano ba iyong iniiyakan namin? Iyong nakaraan? Iyong dapat na meron kami ngayon? Kasi bakit nga ba kami umabot sa ganito? Kasi tuwing iniisip ko...

Ang gulo. Ang sakit. Nakaka-galit.

Pero mas lamang 'yung nakaka-hinayang.

"Alam ko," mahinang sabi niya. "I don't know what more I can do."

"You can't do anything more. Kumbaga sa batas—you're fucking estopped. Naglapse na. Prescribed na. May laches na."

Ihinilamos ko iyong mga kamay ko sa mukha ko. I fucking hated that he's making me cry at this hour of the day.

"Let's... let's just try to be professional... Kaya mo ba 'yon?" seryosong tanong ko sa kanya. "Kasi matagal pa 'to... Alam mo naman 'yan... 'Wag mo naman akong pahirapan sa mga ganito..."

Tangina bakit ba naiiyak na naman ako? Bakit ba naiiyak ako dahil sa walang kwentang dahilan? Bakit ako umiiyak dahil sa lalaki na may asawa?

"Ayokong mahirapan ka."

"Bakit ka nandito?"

"Nahihirapan ka ba kapag nasa harapan mo ako?"

Para na siguro akong baliw na tumatawa habang umiiyak. Halos mapunit na iyong hawak kong paper bag dahil sa higpit ng hawak ko roon.

"Hindi ba halata? Mukhang bang umiiyak lang ako for fun?" sarkastikong tanong ko sa kanya. "Nahihirapan ako kasi it's been fucking years yet your simple presence is enough to bring tears to my eyes! Akalain mo 'yon—ganoon katindi iyong dating mo sa akin!"

Bahagyang bumuka iyong bibig niya na parang may sasabihin siya sa akin pero pinili niya na 'wag tumuloy.

"What?" I asked, taunting him to say whatever he wanted to say.

"Nothing," he said.

"No. Bakit hindi mo sabihin? After everything, ngayon ka pa ba mahihiya sa akin?"

He stared at me. "Wala..." sabi niya habang diretso lang sa mga mata ko iyong tingin niya. "Kasi kung umakto ka, akala mo ikaw lang 'yung nasaktan dati."

Napaawang iyong labi ko. "What?"

"We were in a relationship, Deanne. Tayong dalawa. Ikaw lang ba nasaktan?"

"Wow..." sabi ko nang tuluyan ko ng bitawan iyong hawak ko at pumalakpak ako sa kanya. "Seryoso ka ba d'yan?"

Tumingin lang siya sa akin. "I'm sorry you got hurt but you've got to stop acting like I reveled in your pain—"

I felt my body shaking as I tried so hard to control the tears but they just kept on falling and falling until I couldn't see anything anymore.

"Please leave..." mahinang sabi ko sa kanya. "Please... Iwan mo na ko..."

"Dea—"

"Please," I pleaded. "Please..." I asked once again because I didn't want to go back to the time when I felt like nothing but broken pieces of who I used to be. 

**
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