Hate me today
      Hate me tomorrow
      Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Today I saw a guy being left behind, heartbroken and disappointed after his girlfriend made sure everyone around knew he wasn’t her top priority, that she rather spent time with anyone else than being with him for his birthday.  He had been waiting for her for two hours and when she arrived he was so happy, like all that time waiting didn’t matter, but then she didn’t even apologise, she just stumbled on the stool next to him and asked for more alcohol and started rambling about this crazy party she had been in before she saw all his calls. I could hear it all because I was the bartender giving them the drinks. I could see this guy’s humiliation and pain because she was just getting even more wasted instead of wishing him a happy birthday.

I thought of you. Of us.

Do you remember what happened for your graduation? What I did to you? I wasn’t very different from that girl today at the bar.

It was such an important day for you. You finally finished uni, got that degree you worked so hard for and now you could do all what you dreamt of, and where was I? Getting wasted at the local bar, forgetting your special event. I was supposed to be there, watching you, proud of you for doing what I couldn’t even try, clapping and congratulating you. I should’ve been there, taking pictures and looking so proud of the best girl on Earth. But no, I was drowning myself in alcohol and making you wait.

I never showed up. You were all alone because of me.

I didn’t only let you down and disappointed you on your graduation ceremony, I also isolated you from your loved ones. That was why you were all alone that day, because of me. Do you remember why you family wasn’t there? Your parents? Yes, because of me. Because I humiliated you over and over again when we went visiting them. Because I never respected them for being your parents, even if they were strict and I thought they were oppressing you, I should’ve still respected them. You’re alive because of them, how could I treat them like that?

Do you remember what I told your mother? I still regret my words, they haunt me every time.

“You don’t deserve my daughter,” said she the last day I ever saw her.

“Oh yeah?” I replied. “Maybe, but I still shag her every night and she comes back for more and more, like a lost dog. She prefers me instead of you so who’s worse?”

It wasn’t only disrespectful to your mother, it offended you as well. I treated you as an object and talked about you in such vulgar terms in front of your mother. And I wasn’t even drunk yet, I just hated her because she didn’t let you be with me, because she opposed and I was scared… scared she might make you realise how unworthy of you I was and you would finally leave me.

I’m so sorry. I’m still so sorry.

And you forgave me for that, you still let me have you after that. You even fought your mother after that and chose me, breaking all ties with your family. Because of me, because of the jackass who talked to your mother like that. I torn you apart from your family.

Why didn’t you hate me that day? Why didn’t you hate me before or later? I was awful to you, I was awful to your family. How could you love me if I always did things like those to you? I made you fight your family and turn your back on them to stay with me, and then on your graduation day, when they should’ve been with you, they weren’t but I wasn’t either. I isolated you and you still loved me.

You should’ve hated me then.

I should’ve been there for you. I should’ve supported you, I should’ve helped you with your family. I should’ve respected you and your mother, I should’ve never talked like that. I should’ve understood and try to behave instead of always making a scene. 

I should’ve helped you instead of burdening you like I did for so long.

You should’ve hated me. I sure hate myself for what I did. I was so lacking for you, I was just dragging you down, taking you from that path your parents so carefully helped you to follow. I took you from the secure and good road to a shady and turbulent path in which you lost yourself and which almost took you away forever. I did all that to you.

Do you hate me know? I hope you do. I hope you realise now when you look back that I did more harm than good to you. I let you down more times than I made you proud. I can pinpoint so many other times in which I wasn’t there for you, in which I didn’t help you and in which I only disappointed you but when I try to think of times in which I was actually your partner I can only come with a handful.

I was always making you cry, I was always hurting you somehow even if I never intended that. I was just that toxic to you and you still loved me. Even after I destroyed your world and took you to the edge of your own life, you still loved me.

Why, if I loved you so much, I could never make you happy? Why did I make you cry so much? Why since you met me it seemed like the light left your eyes? By the time I finally accepted I was killing you and stepped away, you were barely a shadow of the woman I met.

It was all my fault. I couldn’t love you like you deserved. Your mother was right, I didn’t deserve you and I never will.

I’m sorry for making you cry, for disappointing you, for not being there for you. I’m so sorry for making you feel like that poor guy felt today. I hate myself when I think you must’ve looked like that when I didn’t show up, when I chose alcohol over you. Did you eyes reflect so much heartache like this guy’s did? I’m so, so, so sorry. No matter how times I say that, it won’t be enough, will it? I hurt you so much and for so long.

I hope you never feel like that again, that you don’t love the next jerk that treats you like I did and that you hate the person that makes you cry. I’ll hate whoever hurts you, like I hate myself for the way I treated you.

But it’s okay now, isn’t it? I’m not hurting you anymore, I’m not disappointing you, I’m not breaking your heart. I’m giving you back the life you always deserved and that I threw away the moment I fell for you. 

I’m so sorry, my love. I’m so very sorry.