I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
     They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
     Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
     Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

As I lie at night in my bed I can't stop thinking of you. You come to my mind over and over again. It's been almost a year since I left you and I still think of you. Of all that time together. I haven't seen you and I haven't heard of you, but I hope you're happy.

Don't get me wrong, I don't always do this. I've carried on with my life like I asked you to do. I think you'd be happy to know I'm doing better. Sometimes I go whole days without thinking of you, some others you're all that's in my mind. Sometimes the memories are so strong and overwhelming that I have to do anything in my power to block them out.

Sometimes I drown in the memories because you weren't just a girl I was with. You were so much more.

These memories haunt me and attack me, throwing at me scenes of you and I that leave me with open wounds. They play in my head like film scenes. You know how, like in those bad films in which the main character remembers their life together before he decides to go back to her. Well, I'm not going to do that but these films in my head only remind me that I'm alone. That I walked out on you.

I laugh when I remember even those nights between us two. Nights in which none of us would sleep and they leave me with my blood boiling. All those nights in which I loved you and your body, in which I learnt every curve of your body. I could still shape you if I close my mind. You're a burnt memory in my head. And when I open my eyes I only feel lonelier because I realise I'm alone. That my hands are not on your skin, that I don't have you to hide when the world is spinning and I only feel like screaming. I don't have you anymore. I'm all alone, but this was my choice. And even today I'm proud of what I did. It's the only thing I've ever done and that I feel proud of. It was the best. We couldn't keep going. It was killing you, and it was killing me. Maybe I was death inside already.

Today I'm not the man I used to be but I’m still not good for you. You have always deserved more and I'm still sorry I put you through so much. I should've realised sooner what I was doing to you.

I've got a stable job. I have my own small flat and I'm doing my best not to get in trouble. 

I'm alone. I haven't seriously been with another firl. I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again, you left a mark in me, but I'm not trying to. As you once said I’m learning to live with myself. I'm learning to handle my own destructive thoughts without collapsing.

I know I hurt you a lot. Maybe too much. I changed you for the worst and I'll never forgive myself for that, but it's a good thing that if I ever fall in love again, I won't make her go through all the shit I made you go through. I'll never hurt someone like I hurt you.

I know I won't take away the scars I left in your soul, but it's something.

Sometimes I think so much of you, of all the things I did and the ones I didn't do for you. Sometimes I can't even bear those thoughts and I have to fight myself not to do something stupid again. I'm doing all I in my power not to make the same mistakes but you know how hard is to change something that's part of your genes. To break an old habit is almost impossible. Fighting my own nature is the hardest thing I've ever done. Or maybe the second, leaving you was the most difficult one. Most of the time I succeed at fighting my nature, but some others I fail and to be honest it's when I fail that I think of you the most.

Like tonight. Tonight I met a girl at the bar I work at, and she liked me. I think she liked my tough appearance, the same that made it so difficult for you to accept me at the beginning, remember? I brought her here to my place but I only felt empty later. The physical satisfaction only lasts so little. And I pick it on her, I made her feel like rubbish and practically kicked her out. Now I feel terrible and that's why I can't stop thinking of you tonight.

How many times did I make you feel like that?

I'm sorry. Even after all this time, I'm still sorry.

-:-:-

AN: This story is just a bunch of memories so it doesn't follow a striclty chronological order at first. Thus, read carefully. Don't worry if it doesn't make sense yet and you don't know what exactlyhappen, with time all the pieces will be put together. It has 10 chapters, all very short and each one starts with parts of the lyrics of Hate Me. Once you read it all, you have the full song. 

Read conciously and don't hesitate to let me know your thoughts. Let's try not to be hopeless romantics and be sensible. Also, don't expect ANs on every chapter. I won't interrupt your reading, only this time and when it's extremelly important, if that happens.

Bel, xx