40
- Long Way Down; One Direction -
- r u ok; Tate McRae -
Aurora Holland
"You look like you haven't been sleeping," Katherine commented as she sat down next to me in homeroom. I just looked at her, my heart hurting from the comment.
She was right. I'd slept a total of three hours last night and around the same the night before. I just can't sleep. Even with my cartoons on in the background - nothing but nightmares.
Carter still hasn't talked much. He'll sit next to me in the classes we usually do, but other than that I'm lucky if I get a smile. If I wasn't overthinking before, I am now.
For what felt like the perfect first date to ever happen, I'm really feeling like I fucked something up.
Not to mention, now that the all-known Carter Jackson hasn't been seen around me much, and Logan's still hanging out with Paige - who I'm actively avoiding - James Hanneman has decided that means I'm all open to fuck with again.
"She's probably too busy fucking half of the school," James commented as if he heard me thinking about him.
I didn't say anything the way I usually would, and instead just looked down at the unfinished homework on my desk.
"Why don't you shut the fuck up, Hanneman? We didn't ask," Katherine snapped anyways. I ignored the blossoming argument between the two, and instead just yanked my earbuds from the front pocket of my backpack.
I didn't feel like talking. Nothing against Katherine, and everything against James. I just have no energy.
Call me stupid for feeling so down because Carter's avoiding me - I can't help it. I was opening up to him, and I opened up to him about a lot of dark shit. I told him things I've never told anyone, not even Paige. Things I'd never think about telling anyone at all. Sure, Katherine knows a lot to an extent, but even then I don't push my problems on her the way I want to.
Everyone I open up to and trust completely hurts me.
God, I'm such a baby. Thinking these things - Carter hasn't even fully left yet. Not to mention, there was nothing between us. We weren't official, we didn't even kiss or tell each other we liked each other. We didn't do any of that mushy stuff, I have no reason to be this destroyed.
Katherine noticed the way I turned my music up loud enough to not hear anyone, but instead of bothering me anymore about it she just turned further in her seat.
To make matters worse - I had PE next class. This meant not only did I have class with James, but Carter as well.
My mind's jumbled, and I can't seem to focus on anything but Carter. Despite the fact that we haven't really talked at all he still takes my mind up completely. I keep going over our date, wondering what it was. Was it because I painted him? What was it that drove him away so quickly?
I twirled the ring around my index finger, staring off into space as my music flowed through my ears. Despite it being loud enough to where I couldn't hear anyone, I wasn't listening. I couldn't even name the song or the artist blaring through my ears, my thoughts clouded with the fluffy-haired boy.
I'm such a fucking idiot, that's for sure.
Despite my music being loud, I was able to hear the bell when it went off. I threw everything into my backpack without care and shot up from the seat. Usually, I'd walk out with Katherine and Elijah would be waiting for her on the other side of the doors.
Usually.
Now, things are different. I can't stop thinking I'm going to fuck up another relationship with someone near me, so I just don't talk to anyone.
Maybe I'm even stupider for doing that, but I don't know what to do. I act like Paige, they don't like me. I act like myself, and they leave. What am I supposed to do if neither of those works?
Elijah was standing on the other side of the door per usual, but his smile fell as he saw me barrel right past him as if I didn't know him. Usually, I'd stop and at least say hi and give a hug, but I didn't want a hug. I didn't want to say hi.
I just want to know what I did wrong.
I didn't look back as I left, either. I knew Katherine and him would stand there, Elijah asking me what was wrong. She'd tell him she didn't know, simply because she doesn't. The conversation would end there, and they'd go back to doing what they planned to do before.
When I made it across the halls and to the women's locker room, I smiled in relief as Lila wasn't there. I didn't feel like talking to Katherine - who had grown to be one if not my best friend, meaning I didn't want to talk to Lila.
I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to get through PE and then walk home just like I'd walked to school.
Changing was quick. I changed just as Ashley and her two friends walked in, ignoring the dirty looks she'd given me.
She, along with James, has been the bane of my existence.
As I stepped foot in the gym, I frowned to see it mostly empty. Besides me, there was one person.
James.
"Well if it isn't the new meat?" He asked, stepping up to me.
I ignored him, moving to step around him. He just stepped to the same side, preventing me from getting anywhere.
"What? You go mute all of a sudden? Pretty sad that little whore had to stick up for you, you know?" He asked, my blood boiling at what he called my best friend. "I actually find it really hot when you talk back."
Disgust replaced the anger boiling through me, my face scrunching up at his words. "Leave me alone," I muttered. My mind's already all over the place, and my feelings are out of line. If James keeps talking, I'm going to blow up.
"There she is, I missed her." He tilted his head with a pout, causing my insides to grow with more disgust.
"You're a disgusting prick," I told him, knowing my mother would want to wash my mouth out with soap had she heard the words leaving my mouth.
"Tell me more, baby." He begged, causing me to roll my eyes at his sudden advances.
"Get the fuck away from her Hanneman," An all-too-familiar voice spoke from behind me. James' eyes left mine and glanced to the entryway, his smirk falling.
I didn't even need to look. I knew for a fact it was Carter. But for him to come in here and protect me all of a sudden after avoiding me? What the fuck?
"My bad, Jackson, didn't realize this was still a thing-" He motioned between the two of us with a roll of his eyes.
"Well it is so why don't you move along?" Carter was next to me by now, his body awfully close to mine. Instead of shying into him the way I usually would - despite how much I wanted to - I pulled away.
James looked between the two of us, before rolling his eyes again and walking over to his friends who had finally walked through the doors.
My eyes stayed glued to the ground, hurt flowing through my body at how much Carter was affecting me. I shouldn't let someone mess with my feelings this much - but I am.
Ever since my mother began treating me the way she does, ever since I caught Asher and Paige. It's nothing but getting hurt over things that others wouldn't second guess.
"Sorry about him, I've been really trying to keep him away from you," Carter spoke up first, but I avoided eye contact. I didn't say anything, much like I hadn't said anything to Katherine.
"Hey," Carter said again after I didn't respond. He rested his hands on my arms, and it wasn't long before he tilted my chin up so I had to look at him.
As if it couldn't have gotten worse, tears pooled at my waterline. I was actually looking him in the eye for the first time since our date, as even when he was still talking to me he wouldn't look me in the eye.
What did I do?
"Rory, what's wrong?" He asked softly, ignoring the fact that there were other students flooding in.
"You can't do that," I whispered, shaking my head.
"Do what?" He asked, his dark brows pushing together.
"Y-you can't just-" I stopped, not knowing how to express what I feel. "That. This. You can't."
Without giving him another chance to take the conversation further, I turned and walked away. I was afraid he'd follow after me but knew that we wouldn't be able to talk about it even if he did. The bell rang, thankfully, and I sat next to Lila.
I didn't say anything to her, and instead just went along the rest of class on my own. I did the stretches as instructed, along with whatever activity the coach pulled out of his ass today.
Despite being a sports coach, this dude really makes things easy for us in here. He gives us the bare minimum to do, making him do less work.
Why be a PE teacher if you're not going to teach? Not that I'm complaining, though.
At the ten-minute mark until class ended, we were let go. I was thankful, as time couldn't have gone by any slower.
From the dirty looks from Ashley, the disgusting looks from James, and the sad looks from Carter - I was going to lose it.
"Looks like you've got quite the attention today," Lila made conversation as I walked side-by-side with her. She glanced at Ashley, who was passing by us. "The fuck you looking at? Get along!"
Ashley rolled her eyes but listened to the dark-haired girl. She disappeared out of the doors with her two friends, gossiping.
"God, she's so fucking entitled." Lila crossed her arms, "You good?"
"Yeah," I lied, breathing out. "Just not feeling well."
"Well-" Before Lila could say much else, I was yanked backward by the wrist. It wasn't a tough grip, the touch sending electricity through my arm. Her eyes were wide as she looked behind me, and I turned to see Carter waiting patiently for everyone to walk away.
"I'm going to go," She said, ignoring the pleading look in my eyes. The last thing I wanted was to be alone with Carter, my nerves bouncing all over the place.
Carter waited until she disappeared into the girl's locker room, the hallway empty of anyone else but us.
I didn't look at him. I couldn't. I know I can't because I'm too much of a crybaby. I'm hurt, without legitimate reason to be hurt. I'm sensitive, he knows that. The entire fucking world knows that for Christ's sake. So why go out of his way to do something to hurt me? He didn't have to take me on a date if he didn't like me, so I don't understand.
"Baby," He mumbled, almost quiet enough that I couldn't hear it.
"Baby?" I scoffed, looking up at him. "Baby? Seriously, Carter?"
"W-what?" He asked, taken off-guard by the sudden anger bubbling out of me like a faucet.
"Who says you can call me that?" I asked, yanking my hand from his as I realized it was still there. "Y-you say and do things then turn around and do what everyone else does. God forgive me for being hurt and being overdramatic, but you act like you like me then turn around and ignore me!"
The words leaving my mouth didn't make any sense whatsoever, but that's what happens when I blow up. Just like with my mom, and just like with Paige. I say what's on my mind without thinking first, too stubborn to think about the things I'm saying. I let my emotions take over, and although it doesn't make much sense to others - it does me.
I'm hurt, whether I have a right to be or not. He hurt my feelings, whether he intended to or not. It happened, and I'm not the type who can just get over shit.
Just ask Paige.
"I'm not ignoring you," Carter said.
"Oh really? Cause after our first date you kind of just slowly stopped talking to me. You don't hang out with me, call me, or even text me." Jesus Christ do I sound clingy.
"Rory-"
"Carter, I liked you a lot. Despite hearing about things I've never opened up to anyone about I opened up to you. Maybe you weren't interested in me the way I was you, I can accept that, but not when you're leading me on." I cut him off, my hands waving in the air dramatically.
"I'm not-"
"No," I cut him off again. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath, my breathing shaky from trying to stop myself from crying. "No," I said again.
I turned and walked to the women's locker room, rushing so he couldn't pull me back again.
I know I'm overdramatic, and I know that I shouldn't have blown up, but I did. I'm hurt, and I've been holding it in for days. I've ignored all my friends - which is ultimately my fault - but it's simply because I didn't want to make them run away the way Carter had.
Changing, I ignored the looks and laughs from Ashley, Kaya, and the other girl whose name I can never remember. They made smart comments about the way I looked sad, at the way James talked about me. Even about my body.
It only made me feel much more insecure, causing me to rush to change. It took a lot for me to change in front of people, and so when I changed I booked it out of the locker room.
Carter was nowhere to be seen, and I was thankful. The last thing I needed was to be stopped again because I barely kept my feelings under control.
Was that under control? Honestly, probably not. But it would have been worse had I stayed and let him speak.
Exiting the school, I found it mostly empty. I was glad, meaning the long walk to my house meant more time to myself. Nobody to stop me, nobody to make me feel shittier.
As much as I hated my life at Point Prep, I wish I could go back to being someone nobody talked to.
The walk was long. I found myself stopping multiple times, whether it be to sit on a bus bench or go into a convenience store to get myself something to drink. It was nice, but it made me think of the day I walked all the way to Carter's.
Despite it being one of the worst days I've ever experienced, I found myself fond of the memory because it was a day that Carter and I admitted things to each other that were hard to talk about.
How do I find myself still thinking of him even when I'm angry? Do I have a right to be angry? Am I overthinking?
Finally seeing my house in view, I realized how tired I was. My legs hurt all over, and my face was hot from speed-walking at points. Both of my parent's cars were gone from the driveway, causing me to frown.
I thought they had today off.
As I entered the house, I was greeted by warmth. I shut and locked the door behind me, walking and seeing nobody had been home.
They were probably doing something with Jason, as usual. Not that I mind, I just wish I would have been informed.
My room was chilly, thanks to my leaving the window cracked overnight. This made me feel better since I had a really long walk home, and I grabbed some comfortable clothes to change into.
I might as well shower since I don't plan on doing anything else for the night, plus I'm sweaty from both gym and walking all the way from the school to my house.
Plugging my phone into my speaker, I let the music blare loudly. It was loud enough to drown out my thoughts to the best of my abilities, and I peeled off my sweaty school clothes and hopped into the shower.
I avoided looking in the mirror as I did so, knowing I was just going to sit and tear myself down. I could hear everything Ashley was saying despite my mind being jumbled by what was happening with Carter, simply because I already think those things about myself daily.
Growing up with a mother like mine, I tend to hear comments like that all of the time.
The shower was nice and cool, cooling my skin off. The sound of Harry Styles playing through my speakers made me forget. I forgot about who I was, and the life I live. The fact that I'm unlikeable in a way that even I can't even like myself.
My shower lasted a long time. It was almost ice cold by the time I got out and turned it off, my skin covered in goosebumps from the fact that I stayed in there so long. My hands were wrinkled and pruney, but I just ignored them as I dressed into the T-Shirt and pajama shorts I brought with me.
The music continued to play, moving from Harry Styles to a sad Madison Beer song. It's as if my playlist knows I'm sad, as it seems to only be playing that type of music despite it being on shuffle of my liked songs.
Running my towel through my hair, I used my free hand to open the bathroom door. I walked into my bedroom, jumping back as I saw I wasn't alone.
What the fuck?
"Carter?"
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Sorry to leave you guys on a cliffhanger, it wasn't planned. But I won't be active for the weekend because I'm going on vacation <3
* This chapter is not edited *
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