i like the sad eyes, bad guys

Aurora Holland

It had been a few days since the date with Carter, and I had thought everything was fine. The date was wonderful, he walked me to the door, and even took the painting I made for him home. He texted me later on that night, not talking to me on the phone like he usually did since I had Katherine staying the night.

I'd never been on a date until that night, so I wasn't sure what went wrong. At least, it feels like something went wrong. Carter's barely talked to me, leaving me here to wonder what I did. He's distant, but then sometimes he talks to me like everything's okay.

Is this how it usually goes after dates? Or am I missing something?

I can't say that I'm not the type of person to sit up all night wondering what I did wrong, because I am. I've been up since he started acting differently, wondering what it was I said or did to make him uninterested. Unless he was, and I'm just overthinking it.

This is my problem.

Maybe there's someone else? Maybe he realized that it was getting too personal, and so instead of being up and honest with me, he's avoiding me.

My eyes trailed over to my journal, which I'd brought with me to school today. I was currently sitting in the public library, though, as the school day had gotten out a good couple of hours ago, and I had nothing else to do.

Katherine and Elijah were hanging out today, Paige and I still weren't on talking terms, and I just simply had nobody else willing or wanting to hang out. I'm not offended, but it definitely got my mind thinking about things I probably shouldn't.

Mostly Carter, if you couldn't tell.

Seeing something move in the distance caught my attention, and my mind completely forgot about the negative thoughts from only moments ago. I looked to see someone I'd been waiting to see for weeks now - the boy who had tried to help stick up for me to James Hanneman.

His name was Miles, as I gathered from Carter. He was the one who attempted to help me despite knowing he was no match for the much more athletic boy, and I couldn't have been more grateful. I hate that I haven't seen him until now - weeks after the incident.

Without a second thought, I pulled myself out of the library seat, racing my way to the bookshelf where he disappeared behind. I had no idea he came to the public library, as it was rare that I actually saw students here unless there was a big assignment throughout certain grades.

Abruptly turning around the corner, I jumped as Miles was much closer to the edge than I assumed he'd be. He jumped as well, his hand covering his chest as he hadn't expected to come around the corner like that. His brows pushed together in confusion, probably as we hadn't ever spoken up until now.

"Hi," I said softly, looking into his light-colored eyes.

He glanced around me as if expecting to see someone stand behind me before looking behind him, almost as if he were afraid someone else was going to pop out of nowhere. "Hi?" He spoke it as a question, his voice going a higher pitch at the end.

"I'm Rory," I said kindly, holding my hand out. He looked at it for a moment before taking it, his soft hand covering mine entirely.

"I know," He said simply. I let go of his hand, moving to twirl my ring as I spoke to him. "I see you with Carter Jackson all the time," He then added as if to explain himself, and I nodded in response.

I was sad at the mention of Carter, but thankful I wasn't associated with Paige for once. Sure, it still sucked being known due to someone else's presence, but it was much better than what I was used to hearing my entire life.

"Right," I said, realizing I hadn't responded. "I just wanted to thank you." I was quick to the point, earning a confused look from him. "You tried to stick up for me on one of my first days of school here at Riverway, and I never got to thank you for it."

"Oh, yeah." He said, realization hitting his features as he remembered what seemed like ages ago. "James is a nuisance, so it was an annoying sight to see." He explained, "But I didn't really do anything, it should be Carter you're thanking."

"No, no," I said, before realizing my choice of words. "I mean, yes! I've already thanked him." I watched as Miles continued to look at the books on the shelf, and so I followed in his footsteps. "I know he's the one that actually pulled James away from me, but you don't understand how much it meant that you kept trying despite knowing he could hurt you."

"A man should never hit a lady," He said with a shake of his head. "I wouldn't be surprised if he's the type of man to believe in those old-school ways. His father's just as much of a jerk as he is, maybe even worse."

"I could definitely believe it," I said. I watched as he pulled out a book over something for writing, and I smiled. "You like writing?"

"Quite a bit," He answered, not questioning the fact that I continued the conversation. "You?"

"Yes," I said quickly, my smile growing. "I love to write and read."

"Me too!" He spoke with a bright smile, the biggest smile I've seen the boy wear. This isn't saying much considering we just met, but his smile was very pretty, to say the least.

"That's cool," I said, not knowing how to continue the conversation. Even though I've been here as long as I have, I still can't seem to catch on to how to talk to people. Unless this person is Katherine, Elijah, or Carter, that is.

"I didn't take you as the type to study at the library," Miles said, changing the subject. "I don't mean that as an insult - or anything."

"What do you mean?" I asked, not taking much offense, trusting he didn't mean anything bad by it.

"I just mean-" He stopped, glancing around before looking back at me. "I don't want to say something that might make Carter beat me up." He then whispered, his cheeks turning rosy red.

"Why would Carter beat you up?" I couldn't help but let out a small laugh, brushing some hair behind my ear.

"I've seen how protective he is, I don't want to compliment you and have him pop out from behind that shelf over there." He partially joked, pointing to a random bookshelf.

"He-" I stopped, not knowing what to say. I thought about it before responding, feeling my cheeks heat up. "I don't know what he's doing, he's definitely not here."

"Oh-" Miles stopped this time, "I just assumed since I'd been seeing you guys around together, and the way he talked to James-" He stopped again, rubbing the back of his neck that wasn't holding the book. "I thought you were-you know."

"Oh!" I exclaimed, covering my mouth with my hand shortly after. "No, it's not like that. At least I don't think it is."

"Oh," He repeated, causing this to be a little game of us going 'oh' back and forth. His face twisted in confusion, and I watched as he looked at the book in his hand before looking back up at me. "Well, I was just going to say that you just seemed too cool to be studying like this."

"I study all the time, honestly." I didn't know how to respond to his compliment, but didn't want to ignore him. "I like it here. I like the different floors - much better than Point Prep's public library, that's for sure."

"Is it different here at Riverway than there?" Miles asked, tapping his fingers on the spine of the book. "I don't know much about Point Prep, except for overhearing a few things Paige Holland said after she moved here. But Paige seems a lot different from you."

"We're very different," I spoke, not offended by his words one bit. Although at times I do wish I were more like Paige, after all this time of being so mad at her - I realize there are things I do like that are different between us.

How we treat people, for example.

Miles nodded, his bottom lip poking out just a bit as he processed my words. "That's not always a bad thing, you know. To be different."

"Doesn't always feel like it," I admitted, despite this only being my first conversation with him. "But I know, it can be good and bad, I guess."

"I don't think it's bad," He said, disagreeing with me. "I just think it's harder to be yourself than it is to be the same as everyone else because when you're just like everyone else, more people notice you."

I took in his words, finding them genuine. Miles seemed different from a lot of people here, but I wouldn't take that as a bad thing. That only proves what he said is right, considering he's thinking the same of me by the sounds of what he's saying.

Before I could muster a response, I saw his eyes dart behind me. The small smile resting on his features was gone, and he cleared his throat as he looked back at me.

It was a sudden change from only moments before, and so I took a look behind me to see what he was looking at. I partially suspected it to be Carter, considering his thoughts from before about Carter popping up out of nowhere, but I was disappointed to see that it was only Logan.

"Hi, Rora," He greeted softly. He was timid, which was the opposite of what I was used to with Logan Jackson.

Even though we hadn't talked recently, he still kept himself together when it came to sitting at lunch or being with a group of people. I'd done my best to avoid him simply because I'm not good at confrontation, so I didn't understand why he seemed so... afraid.

Realizing that I just stood there staring at him, I closed my mouth and cleared my throat. "Logan," I greeted just as softly, seeming to have lost my voice despite talking to Miles normally only seconds before.

"I'll see you around, Rory," Miles said, causing me to remember he had been standing on the other side of me. I turned and looked at him with a soft smile, one showing I was sorry our conversation had been cut short.

He nodded to acknowledge my look, taking the book he'd been holding and walking away in the other direction.

I then turned back around, seeing Logan had been patiently waiting for me to finish with Miles. He didn't have his backpack, showing he hadn't planned on coming here to study.

"I was- can we talk? Please?" Logan asked quickly, catching me off guard. He'd yet to try to actually talk within the last couple of days. I wasn't sure if it was because he had a crush on me and Carter had taken me out on a date, because I was mad at him telling Paige things - or both.

Either way, he hadn't attempted since everything first went down.

"Sure," I said without thinking, knowing my nerves were going to explode at any given moment.

He smiled a tiny smile, not one that was half as big as I was used to seeing. His cheeks turned a rosy pink color, and I watched him carefully as he turned to look around the library.

It was getting pretty close to closing time, so there weren't many people here. It was a school night, so it had been pretty busy beforehand, but I much preferred it when it was like this.

"Would-" He stopped, turning to face me again. "Do you have a ride home? Maybe we could talk somewhere else since they close soon anyway."

"I guess, yeah." I awkwardly told him. I then watched as he stepped to the side, motioning a hand for me to walk ahead of him.

I did so, my stomach filling with butterflies. I was nervous, as I wasn't sure what he was planning to talk to me about. It could be anything - an apology, blaming me, trying to get me to forgive Paige. Anything, even something that I haven't even thought about yet.

Gathering my things up, I ignored the feeling in my stomach as Logan waited patiently for me to organize my backpack and put everything away. I took a little longer than I usually would, putting off the talk just a little bit longer. 

My mind likes to automatically put things in a bad place when things like this happen. I like to assume the worst, so that way, when the worst happens, I'd expect it from the beginning.

After I finished gathering my things, Logan followed me down to the first level of the library. I said goodbye to the librarian on my way out as I usually did when I came here, and almost instantly, as I exited the buildin,g I was greeted with cool autumn air.

I hugged my jacket closer to my body, following Logan where he'd parked his jeep. He hit the fob on his keys, and I was quick to get into the vehicle, wanting to get warm again.

As much as I love colder weather - I hate being in it for long periods of time.

Logan started the car after getting in, and the warmth from the heater warmed me instantly. It was awfully cold for September, but if anything, it was just preparing me for the cold months to come. I'm not complaining, as it can be quite nice.

"Are you wanting me to take you to my house, and we can talk there? Or-"

"We can go to mine," I quickly cut him off. The only reason I really wanted to go to mine was because I didn't want to run into Carter.

Well, don't get me wrong - I'm always hoping I run into Carter. But the thing is - we haven't talked in a while. I don't want him to see me with Logan, knowing how hurt I was after what Logan did to me, and assume the worst. I don't want him to think something's going on between Logan and me when there's not.

It's not like it should matter. We went on one date. No follow-ups, nothing. Nothing has changed - if anything, it's gone backwards.

"Okay," Logan said, not arguing. He was quick to pull out of the library parking lot, and I found myself staring at the ring on my index finger as he drove to my house.

It was silent in the car, and I hated it. Usually, if there was silence, Carter would put on music. Logan didn't bother, and so whatever awkward tension was going on between the two of us made it even worse because it was straight silent, minus the sounds from outside and the car itself.

When we pulled up to my house, I was grateful that both of my parents' cars were gone. I hopped out of the jeep and quickly walked to the door, unlocking it as fast as possible. I didn't look to see if Logan was right behind me or even see if he was out of the car yet, I just assumed he'd follow me as I made my way inside and to my room.

Once I was in and putting my backpack away, I heard Logan walk in shortly after. He shut the door to give us privacy, and I immediately felt awkward.

He glanced around the room, and I watched as he did so, his eyes landing on the photo Carter had painted for me the day of our date. He didn't say anything about it, and instead, he looked at me. "Thank you," He said. "For being willing to talk to me after everything going on."

"You're welcome," I said, not knowing what else to say.

"I'm sorry for telling Paige." He started immediately, cutting right to the chase. My face grew red as emotions I tried so hard to conceal threatened to spill. "I was wrong to do it, and I realize that. Even though I thought Paige had been a good person to go to about it, I made a promise, and I broke that promise. I guess-" He stopped, running a hand through his hair. "I was just upset you were getting close with Carter, and I vented to Paige."

"I-"

"It's no excuse, I know. I'm not very good at keeping secrets, but I'm willing to work on that." He cut me off before I could say much, the words leaving his mouth reminding me of when Carter told me the same thing.

It was the night I had the really bad fight with my mom - when he admitted to me that Logan had told Paige about the way my mom treats me.

"Had I known Paige was going to turn and use it against you the way she did at the party, I would've never done it. No matter how mad I was." Logan continued once I didn't say anything, "My emotions got the best of me, which is rare and never usually happens. I just-" He stopped again, his cheeks growing a dark red. "I really like you, and I hated that you were getting close to my brother."

"Logan, I-"

"I know, you don't like me. Paige made that well aware to me." He cut me off again, and I just sat down on the side of my bed as I realized I wasn't going to be able to talk too much. "Even then, I screwed up the friendship we were gaining because I was selfish and jealous of my brother. I'm really sorry, Rora."

"It's okay," I forgave him quickly, twiddling my thumbs in circles. "I get it. I mean, it hurts, but I really do want to be friends."

"And I would like that as well." He nodded with a smile, "Even if you're not interested in me the same way I am you, I can accept that as long as you're my friend. I'll save the cheesy 'I can't live without you in my life at least as a friend' bullshit, but I really do appreciate you as a person."

"Thank you," I said awkwardly, not knowing what else to say. I've never been in a situation like this before. I'm not sure whether it's a good or a bad idea to forgive Logan, but I'm not the type of person to just not forgive someone.

Usually, I would use Paige as an example. If I'm able to forgive Paige for what she did with Asher, then I'm able to forgive Logan for saying something he shouldn't have, when it wasn't even my idea to tell him.

However, we all clearly know that I never truly forgave Paige for what she did. Whether I'm justified or not by her running off with Asher behind my back, it doesn't change the hurt I'd feel. It'd be different if I hadn't told her about my crush, or if she hadn't been trying so hard to get Asher and me to be a thing.

"I'm glad we had this talk, Rory," Logan said. The simple nickname reminded me of the day I first met Carter, the one where he'd given me the nickname despite both Logan and me telling him that wasn't my name.

It's funny because now I introduce myself as Rory to people. I much prefer it over Rora, which has been a nickname for as long as I can remember. How can something so simple make me think of him?

"I should probably get going, shouldn't I?" He then asked, picking up on the awkward tension. I nodded, not seeing a reason to lie to him. We were friends, and that was that. I didn't have any reason to have him here longer than he should, and he had no reason to stay.

After saying one last awkward goodbye, Logan let himself out. I didn't feel the need to let him out of the house, considering it was his idea to talk anyway. Call me a bad host, tell me I'm horrible for not walking him down the stairs at least. I just didn't feel the need and wanted some alone time.

I needed to think about the Carter situation. I really thought we were getting somewhere, but it looks to be he's decided I'm not what he wants. Why does something like this always happen? What is so bad about me that I can't do something as simple as date someone?

I understand I'm only seventeen, turning eighteen. I understand that I'm still young, and finding the love of my life while I'm in high school is still highly unlikely. But I can't help but see it everywhere - not including my romance movies. How can it happen for these people and not me? Am I selfish to think that I deserve it just as much as those people?

Part of me thought I should text him, but didn't due to the fear of coming across as needy. 

I'm surely overthinking it, and so instead of doing everything my heart wanted me to do, I just decided to take a shower and get ready for bed.

Things are going to get better, I'm sure of it.