i'm a specialist at overthinkin' everything

Aurora Holland

Silence filled the car, not even the radio or Elijah's party music filling the tension. Nobody said anything, not even Elijah - who usually always had something to say. I know I screwed up by the way when I'd look at Carter, he wouldn't even send me glances as he drove.

Before, he was constantly making eye contact with me. For some stupid reason, that had given me hope that maybe, just maybe, he had a crush on me as well. I know I'm delusional, and I'm beginning to sound like Paige.

The fight with my cousin replayed in my head over and over again, and although I'd thought the alcohol had left my system the moment she said the words she did, I soon realized it hadn't as the car began to move.

I felt slightly queasy at the movements, feeling even worse anytime we braked roughly or went over any speed bumps. My stomach was definitely beginning to regret the alcohol I consumed, despite the fact that it was almost nothing compared to some of the others.

My palms pressed against my closed eyelids, trying to sort my thoughts out. I had a headache, my stomach hurt, and my chest hurt. My feelings were hurt more than anything else, but I knew that would be a problem for another time.

The last thing I needed to do was trauma dump to the group sitting in the car right now.

My palms continued to stay pressed to my eyes, ignoring the fact that I was in a car with other people right now. I felt like shit because not only did I cause Carter to get into a fight with someone, but I ruined the party for everyone and said things I'd never done before.

I've never been the type to just up and say the things I said to Paige. Not only that, the way I said it was unacceptable. I've done so well at keeping things to myself and taking my emotions out in other ways. I've never blown up on anyone like that, but it seems to be a recurring instance as it was my mother first and now Paige.

I've gone completely psycho since I moved to Riverway, no doubt about it.

Eventually, I felt the car come to a complete stop. I looked over to see that we were at an unknown house, and I watched Cameron and Griffin exit the car. I don't know whose house it was, but it was very similar in size to mine.

"See you guys later," Griffin spoke up first, unsure of what to say.

"Hey," Cameron then spoke up, poking his head through my rolled-down window. I don't even remember rolling it down, but then again, someone else could've done it in case I decided to hurl everywhere. "It'll be okay, okay?" He softly asked, his eyes searching my face.

I wasn't too sure if anyone else could hear, but I just looked between his pretty eyes with what I would assume was a look of sadness. Sadness was all I felt, so I wouldn't be surprised if I looked like a child right now.

"It won't, but thank you." I softly spoke, the first time I talked since Elijah brought me to the car.

"It will," He said, glancing around before looking back at me. "We heard everything, and we heard what Paige said. We're not on her side at all."

"I don't want sides," I admitted honestly, looking down at my lap. I scratched at the healing cuts, although they weren't very healed thanks to the fight with my mom yesterday.

Cameron didn't say anything, only nodding before stepping away from the van. They said one last goodbye to us before we pulled away, Carter not waiting until they got inside the house. He seemed to be in a rush, and it made me wonder how mad he was exactly.

He was obviously mad; that much was true. My question is how mad he was at me, because by the way he drove extremely fast to get to his destination, it seemed like he was extremely angry. I wonder if he was going to just leave my house the way he left Cameron and Griffin, without so much as a goodbye.

We arrived at another big house sometime after, and I immediately knew this was Elijah's house. I knew because the car I'd seen him driving multiple times to school sat in the driveway, not to mention that Katherine lived on the other side of town. I didn't know where exactly, I only knew as much as I did, simply because of the few times we've hung out and separated at the light.

"I'll get Katie home in the morning, and I'll bring my mum by to get the van!" Elijah exclaimed quickly, and the two of them got out of the van next. They stopped by my window as well, Elijah paying no mind to how cold Carter was acting.

I was glad he didn't mind, but I, on the other hand, was going crazy.

My stomach was twisted with nerves, icky butterflies swarming around like moths at a light. My hands trembled and my fingers felt fidgety, so I found myself constantly moving my hands around nervously. I wanted to twirl my ring, pick at my skin, scratch my hand, and pull at the roots of my hair all at the same time. It was a bad feeling, and it made me want to just crawl into a hole and die.

"Drink loads of water, okay?" Elijah asked, "You didn't drink much, so you shouldn't be too hungover."

"That's coming from you," Katherine softly said. "Make sure to sleep, drink plenty of liquids-"

"Especially water," Elijah cut the girl off.

"Water, yes, and make sure to eat, but not too much. You might throw up, but it's better to eat and then throw up than not eat at all and regret it later. Everyone's body reacts differently to alcohol, so just because eating might work for me, it might not for you." She explained, not really phased by Elijah's interruption.

"Thank you," I softly said, too nervous to say anything else.

"Have a lovely night, Rora." Elijah kissed me on the top of the head as he usually did, his icy blue eyes very distinguishable even though it was late at night.

I didn't say anything, and instead just watched as the two walked toward Elijah's quiet house. I was surprised to see Katherine going to his house tonight, but he probably offered her a place to stay since she was drunk and didn't want to bother her mom.

Elijah was a very good person, and although he can seem pretty reckless at times, it was very obvious he cared for the people around him. I loved that about him, and I found myself grateful he was my friend.

As soon as the van pulled away, however, my thoughts strayed from Elijah and back to the situation at hand. I was now alone in Elijah's mom's minivan with Carter, the boy who hadn't said anything since punching Garrett. He still looked angry, not phased at all by the blood drying up on his knuckles. He didn't look at me, not even a side glance.

I felt like throwing up, but it wasn't because of the alcohol in my system. It was simply because whatever friendship was going on between Carter and me, I completely ruined it by going at Paige the way I did.

I should've known the moment I spoke my truth, it would end horribly for me. Not only because of the horrible things Paige was telling me, but also because all of her friends were there witnessing it, meaning they'd no longer have to tolerate me after this.

Katherine was a different story because she was the only one who was genuinely just my friend and not just friends with me because Paige was around. Elijah, I wouldn't really count as well, considering he's already gone all the way with Paige and still makes an effort.

But even then, I still probably wouldn't be friends with him if it weren't for Paige. And being completely honest, I wouldn't be surprised if, after tonight, Katherine's the only friend I have.

I know Paige is angry about the fight, and if I thought she was being overdramatic when I told her Carter wasn't into her, I know it's going to be ten times worse since I actually spoke my true thoughts, more than just her feelings for Carter. This was much worse, and I know I was in for a rude awakening when Monday morning came.

No matter how much I knew Paige was going to be mad at me, and no matter how much I knew I'd regret that decision of starting a fight later, I found myself not as worried about that right now. All I worried about was Carter, and I began to feel tears pool in my waterline as I looked over and saw how angry he was.

I don't know why it bothers me so much, despite the fact that I like him. Maybe it's because I know I'd be hurt - drunk or not - so the fact that I'm still a little bit under the influence just makes my emotions flood to the surface instead of hiding deep inside me like usual.

Grabbing the end of my thick hair, I pulled at it lightly. I knew he'd notice if I continued to grab at my hand, and the last thing I needed was for him to be even angrier with me. I already hate people being angry at me in the first place, so now that Carter was angry at me, it was something I never wanted to see again.

He's always looked at me with this soft, cute expression. His eyebrows relaxed, the ghost of a smile resting on his face. His dimple popped out when he would smile, and his eyes showed that beautiful honey color mixed in his dark irises.

We pulled up to Carter's house, where he parked behind Logan's jeep and turned the van off. It was silent as I stayed still in my seat, and I watched as he rubbed his palm to his eye in frustration.

This action only made me even more upset, knowing I was the reason this was caused. I should've just kept my mouth shut, despite how upset I was at seeing him and Paige together. It's not even about me, Carter deserves to be with someone like Paige.

They're the same - pretty and popular.

Carter got out of the car, causing me to follow. My movements were much slower than his, and I just watched him with sad eyes as I took my time getting to his car while he started his. By the time I got to the passenger side and opened the door, he was already getting back out.

"I have to go run these inside, I'll be right back, okay?" He asked. His tone was soft, but the look on his face told me he was still angry. He probably just didn't want to take his anger out on me, which I still appreciated despite how bad I still felt.

I didn't respond, too scared to say anything. I felt as if I tried to speak, another waterfall of words would come out of my mouth and if anything I'd just make this entire situation worse. So instead I just sat my purse in the floorboard, sitting down in the seat after. I put the cardigan over my shoulders like a blanket and shut the door, too sad to even bother buckling up.

At this point, I just want to lie in my bed forever.

My thoughts only spiraled worse as Carter went inside his house. I stayed silent, a stray tear escaping here and there as my thoughts began to get the worst of me. My emotions began to overfill like water overfilling a cup, leaking out onto the counter and eventually on the floor.

Tear after tear fell, only causing me to feel even more upset. Not only was I crying again like the crybaby I am, but I was crying for something I did. All of this was my fault, and there's nobody to blame except for myself in this situation. I shoved my body forward, doubling over as I kept the article of clothing shoved on my face to prevent anyone from seeing what I looked like, despite the fact that nobody was outside except for me. 

I probably look stupid, like some stupid, whiny child who throws a fit whenever they don't get their way. It just made me hate myself more, but I couldn't get the tears to stop. If anything, they got heavier, and my head began to pound as I shoved my cardigan against my face to prevent the sounds coming out of my mouth from being so loud.

"Rory?" The sound of someone's voice echoed through my ears, but my cries drowned them out. I couldn't comprehend who it was, but it wasn't rocket science as to who it would be. I could hear the passenger car door open back up, but I didn't remove my cardigan from my face.

I was definitely smearing mascara all over it, but the stain will be something I worry about at another time.

"Rory," Carter's voice became more distinguishable, and it wasn't long until I felt a large hand on my back. It sent sparks flying through my body, the feeling of his hand against my exposed back lighting on fire at the touch. "Hey, it's okay." He cooed, his tone just as soft as it usually was with me.

I didn't speak, I couldn't. It was just a repeat of last night all over again, except this time it was a consequence of my own actions.

You deserve everything that happens to you, my mother's words replayed in my mind.

"Hey, come here." Carter continued to speak to me, despite the fact that I wasn't responding to him. He wrapped one hand around the back of my torso, the other hooking around my left knee to pull me closer to him.

I let him pull me without a fight, too afraid to take the cardigan away from my face. He gently pulled my legs over the side of the low-sitting car, pulling my body out completely and onto his.

From what it felt like, we were sitting on the concrete driveway, his body below mine as he held me in his arms. He wrapped his strong arms around me securely, one hand resting behind my neck while the other stayed hooked around my left leg.

He pressed his lips to the top of my head, silent as he held me in the driveway. If anyone were to pull up or drive by, they would probably think we look odd. I was sitting on his lap next to the open door of his car, a weird instance I never thought would happen.

Especially because all of this is my fault.

"Why are you crying, Rory?" He asked softly after a few moments of silence, the only sound in the late night being my muffled cries.

I finally pulled my face away from the cardigan to get some fresh air, ignoring the black smears on the light-colored fabric. "I ruin everything," I cried out, barely managing to get it out in one breath.

"What?" He asked, pulling his head away from mine. I looked at him through my blurry tears, the only thing able to be discerned was his dark brows pushed together. "What are you talking about, baby?"

"A-All I do is r-ruin everything." I cried, shaking my head. "I-I was s-so mad at you and Paige, I-I ruined everyone's n-night."

"You were mad at me?" He asked, his tone even softer than before. "What did I do wrong?"

"I-I saw you and Paige, and I-I didn't like it," I said. "She told me sh-she'd leave you alone and she didn't and all it made me think of w-was Asher."

Carter brushed some of my hair behind my ear, the strand wet with my tears. He didn't seem to mind, though, and instead moved his thumb under my eye to wipe my cheeks. He didn't say anything, seeming confused and a little lost in thought as he took in what I said.

Had I not had the alcohol in my system, I'd never have admitted as much as I did, let alone brought Asher up. But I'm so much of a lightweight that the simple drinks I had were enough to stay in my system for longer than I assumed they would.

"Paige was talking to me, but it wasn't like that." He assured me, pulling me closer to his body. The air was cold, and I felt goosebumps rising all over my arms.

"B-But you disappeared," I told him with furrowed eyebrows, sniffling as I wiped my cheeks.

"I went to the bathroom and Paige went with some college guy," He said.

"Sh-she touched you," I told him then, remembering the way she kept putting her hand on him. It was something she did often when flirting, I knew that from experience.

"And I shrugged her off every time," He said. "I wasn't even listening to half of what she was saying, Rory."

I shook my head, unable to believe it. Carter has no reason to lie to me, and I know that simply due to the harsh truths I've heard over the years. But this hit too close to home, reminding me too much of the whole Asher situation.

"Rory, did someone hurt you at Point Prep?" Carter asked, breaking the short silence between us.

"No," I lied, looking down at my fingers. I fiddled with the collar of his T-shirt, but he didn't seem to mind. He had goosebumps on his chest underneath the top of his shirt, although I don't understand how he could be cold when he was suddenly wearing the leather jacket I usually saw him wearing.

"Rory," Carter spoke again. He brought his right hand from my leg up to my face, tilting my head so I had to look at him.

"His name was Asher. But he didn't hurt me, at least I shouldn't have been hurt," I muttered. "I just really liked him, and he didn't like me."

"That's what Paige was saying," He mumbled, talking about the things that Paige mentioned in front of everyone at the party.

"It doesn't matter. He didn't like me, and I let my stupid little heart get hurt because I thought I had a chance," I bitterly spoke, my nose scrunching up at the memory. "It's something I never want to relive again."

"You won't," He said. "Whatever it was, you won't."

"You can't guarantee that," I shook my head. "Paige said things and-"

"Paige is a selfish person," He was quick to cut me off. "You heard the shit she was saying at the party."

"She had a point," I said with a shrug, wiping my cheek as another tear fell.

"No. I don't know Asher, and I don't know the whole situation but I know no matter what it was your feelings are valid." He shook his head this time, disagreeing with what I was saying.

"I don't care anymore," I said, despite it being the biggest lie I've ever told in my life. "I just hated that I upset you."

"You didn't upset me, Rory." Carter softly said. I avoided eye contact, staring at the collar of his shirt that I messed with. His hand moved from my cheek to my neck, resting on the side of it. "I was angry, but not with you. Never you."

My eyes shot up to his at his words, the sentence alone almost enough to make me cry again. He was looking at his thumb that rested on my neck, gently rubbing up and down in a straight line. "I was angry I lost you during the party, and I was angry with the things Paige said, and then when I saw Garrett pulling you the way I did-" He stopped, clearing his throat. "I just didn't like it."

"I didn't know that was the Garrett you guys didn't like," I quietly said. "I only began talking to him because I was drunk; if I weren't, I would've never said anything to him."

"I know," He said with a faint smile. "I shouldn't have entertained Paige as long as I did."

"You're free to talk to whoever you want, you're not my babysitter." I shook my head, "I just turned into one of those drunks." My face twisted in disgust as I remembered the conversation I had with Garrett, the one where I laughed at the girl crying. "Oh god, I'm one of those drunks."

"You're stressed, it's okay." He ran his left hand through my hair, leaving the other on my neck. I nodded in response, knowing he was right.

"I still feel horrible," I said.

"I think I know how to fix it, at least a little bit. At least I hope," He said, a soft smile covering his beautiful features. "But in order to do that, we need to go to your house."

I nodded, feeling extremely cold all of a sudden. I couldn't put my cardigan back on due to me getting tears and mascara all over it, and I sighed as I looked at the messed-up material.

Carter removed his hands from my body completely, while I stood up from his lap. I held my hand out to help him up, considering I was the reason he was there after all. He gladly took it, pulling himself up.

He towered over me as per usual, his pretty brown eyes looking down into mine. "You're like a cute little puppy dog, you know?" He asked, shrugging his jacket off.

"Is that supposed to be a compliment or something?" I asked with a sniffle. He smiled in return, wrapping the leather jacket around my shoulders.

"Take it as you'd like. Except for an insult, don't take it that way."

I couldn't help but laugh a dry laugh, my throat dry due to the lack of fluids in my system. As if he could tell, Carter grabbed a closed water bottle off of the top of the car. "Brought this out for you, figured you'd need it." I took it from him, noticing his knuckles were also cleaned up.

He probably did all this when he took the van's keys inside, but I was too caught up in myself to notice.

I thanked him and took the plastic bottle, opening it and taking a big drink. When I was finished, I scooted back in the car, this time buckling up as Carter shut the door and ran over to the driver's side.

My feelings calmed down a tremendous amount because of the way Carter calmed me down, and if it were even possible I found myself so much more grateful for him. He not only comforted me last night after the fight with my mom but now after I got myself drunk over something so stupid.

Carter turned the radio on as we made our way to my house. It played an overplayed pop song, but it was one I didn't mind too much. I love music, no matter the genre. It's a way to speak without saying anything, through the lyrics and emotion.

I could listen to music all day long if I could.

By the time we arrived at my house, the headache came back. Tonight was a very interesting night, and I was kind of glad it was almost over. I got out of the car after Carter parked in the driveway, thankful to be back home.

I could shower, change, and just lounge around without thinking of anything, including the party.

Unlocking the house, we were greeted with a dark building. All the lights were off, so I just locked the door and booked it to the staircase. I hated being alone in a building in the dark, and despite having Carter here with me it didn't change my fear any.

As I reached the top of the staircase, I glanced behind me to make sure Carter was still there before opening the door. My bedroom door opened quietly, and I flipped the light switch on quickly to get some light in the room.

My eyes widened, as my room didn't look the same as I left it. My bed was completely covered in an abundance of snacks and other items. I turned, my eyes immediately snapping to Carter.

He was leaning against the doorframe, his hands in his pockets as he watched my reaction. My face began to heat up, realizing he did this.

He did this.

"I hoped you'd like it," He said. "I know today didn't exactly go as planned, but at least it'll be a good night to an icky day."

"You didn't-" I stopped, turning back to the sight in front of me. "Carter," I softly breathed out, walking toward my bed. I dropped the items that were in my hands, my attention completely on the organized snacks laying on the bed. There were a few movies along with a singular flower, a tulip.

My favorite.

I picked it up, my heart hammering in my chest. If I didn't have a crush on him before, I definitely do now.

"Nobody's ever done this," I whispered, running my finger along the bright green stem.

"You deserve it," He said. "You deserve all this and more that happens to you."

++

Carter really be simpin for Rory and nobody else huh