don't tell me nothing's on your mind

Aurora Holland

The car ride to Paige's was silent. Well, silent on my side. Paige rambled on and on about how Carter was totally into her, and about how this was only the beginning of their 'beautiful relationship'.

The longer I sat in the passenger seat, the more I sat and switched from twirling my ring to scratching my hand. I took a glance down at my hand as she pulled into her driveway and shut her car off, noticing I'd somehow managed to make myself bleed. I didn't notice, probably because I'd been scratching at it so much for so long today that it was past the feeling of numbness.

I sighed in disappointment at myself as I ran my thumb along the raw skin, smearing the small amount of blood. It wasn't a lot, but enough to notice. If I kept going, I was surely going to make it worse.

Paige and I unbuckled at the same time, and I watched as she checked herself out in the rearview mirror to make sure she looked okay.

"I'm telling you, Aurora, he's going to drop dead when he sees me trying on all these beautiful dresses," Paige told me, wiping the edges of her lips.

"Paige," I said quickly, not thinking before I spoke. "Don't you think you're reading a little too much into this?"

Paige looked taken aback by my sudden statement, her brows pushing together in confusion. "What do you mean?" She asked.

I took in a sharp breath, deciding whether or not to continue with where I was going. Part of me knew this was a bad idea, especially since Carter and Logan could pull up at any moment. But I also know that now that I've said something, she's not going to let it go until I tell her. And I'd rather do it here when it's just us two instead of other people around.

"I think you're looking too much into it. The entire car ride home from the party was you talking to Carter, him not even listening. He's not shown one ounce of interest in you, yet you're already talking about a relationship. Just like with Logan and I. I'm kind to him the way I am to everyone, and he smiled at me once. You assume I like him when I don't like anyone, simply because I don't know anyone well enough and it's a lost cause." I rambled, twirling the ring quickly. I very much wanted to scratch at my right hand, but I knew I'd make it worse so I used all my strength to not resort to that.

Paige's mouth closed shut, not seeming to expect me to say what I did. But I did, and it was out now. I said what I said and I can't take it back, and I really didn't want to.

"You're not being very kind right now," She said, seeming to only get that one part out of everything I said.

"Paige, I-"

"No, Aurora. I get it. You're just jealous because I have attention and you don't," She said, cutting me off.

"What? No, that's not what I'm saying at all!" I exclaimed, frustrated. I'm not usually the type to lash out or yell, so this was definitely a first.

"You're just trying to get back at me with Asher, aren't you?" She asked, "You know I apologized and you know that wasn't my fault."

"This has nothing to do with Asher," I denied. It hadn't even crossed my mind until she said something, so each word that came out of her mouth hurt more and more.

"It is about Asher!" She shouted out.

I blinked, hating the fact that tears were beginning to fall. The last thing I wanted to do was make her mad because when Paige is mad it takes a long time for her to calm down. I honestly thought it'd just feed more into her delusional thoughts if anything, but clearly, I struck a nerve.

"Aurora, you need to get over the fact that Asher just didn't want you. It's not my fault he didn't either," She snapped. "Asher was out of your league, the way that both Logan and Carter are as well. You're lucky I'm supporting your delusional crush on Logan."

Before I could even begin to think about how to respond to that, she threw herself out of the car in anger. I looked in the side mirror to see both boys have pulled up, Carter taking it upon himself to park in the driveway since we were leaving his car at her house.

I took in a shaky breath, hating that I said something I definitely regret, and usually, I'm really good at letting her say and do what she wants.

But she's going to get hurt, and I don't want to see that.

I leaned my head against the headrest, blinking as I stared at the top of the car. A few more stray tears fell as I tried to blink them away, and I cursed at myself for saying anything.

Shaking my head, I wiped my cheeks. This was stupid, and although I already didn't want to go look at dresses, I dreaded it now.

I grabbed my backpack off of the floor, reaching for the door handle. As I went to push it open it was opened for me, and I looked up in shock to see Logan standing on the other side.

He had his usual bright smile on his face, his brown eyes shining in the August sun. "You okay?" He asked, seeming to notice my puffy cheeks.

I glanced over to see Paige occupied with Carter. It was all her talking to him, twirling her hair around a finger. He wasn't paying any attention to her and instead was looking at Logan and me.

"I'm fine," I lied, looking back at him.

If he knew something was wrong, he didn't say so and just held out a hand. I hesitantly took it, letting him lift me out of the car. He shut the door after I moved out of the way, moving his hand from my own and instead wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

It felt awkward, but I didn't say anything as I was too shaken up from my fight with Paige. She seemed perfectly fine, hiding her anger as well as she usually did. She was definitely still mad, however, as when she and I made eye contact, I saw her eye twitch slightly.

Scary.

We met Paige and Carter over by Logan's car where they had been waiting. Logan walked over to the driver's side and hopped in, and just as I was about to climb in behind his seat Paige stopped me.

"You're sitting up front," She snapped. It was rude, only continuing to show her anger towards me.

I glanced over at Carter, who seemed to notice the small exchange. Paige's eyes met his, and she suddenly turned her scowl into a fake smile. "I mean- Logan wants you to sit up front with him. That's okay, right Carter?"

My eyes met his at her question, and he looked between us. He very clearly wanted to sit up front with his brother, but after noticing the look on Paige's face he went against his wishes. "Yeah, whatever." He muttered, climbing into the seat behind Logan's.

Paige looked at me again with that sick, fake smile, and I just rolled my eyes at her as I walked around the front of the car to the passenger seat.

I shouldn't be surprised, yet I am. She does anything to get what she wants, even if she doesn't realize she's hurting me. Which sucks, because I've never stood up to her like this. I figured she'd at least let me give my opinion considering she's always putting hers into my life, but she didn't seem to like what I had to say.

It was as if she loved it when I was her little shadow, being able to throw me around like a Barbie doll in her make-believe life.

I hopped into the car as soon as I opened the door, ignoring the way Logan was watching me. He seemed surprised that it was me getting into the passenger seat and not Carter, but I didn't say anything as I sat my backpack down on the floorboard between my legs.

My hands sat between my thighs, one extremely red and puffy with a little bit of blood between the scratches. It was ugly, and I regret letting myself do something like this to myself.

I heard Paige get in the car behind me, her being the last to get in. Once we were all in Logan turned the car back on, the windows immediately getting rolled down. I buckled up, my eyes continuing to stare down at my lap as I waited for the rest of this day to be over.

"Carter," Logan said sternly. I slowly turned to look at what was going on, confused as to why we hadn't left yet.

"Logan," Carter said in return, looking at his brother. Logan watched him through the rearview mirror, his brows raised as he tapped his fingertips on the steering wheel.

"Buckle up," Logan said. "We're not leaving till you do."

"I don't buckle up, you know that." Carter rolled his eyes, leaning further back in his seat. His long legs barely fit due to the fact that Logan had to have his seat so far back, and I could see his knees pressed up against the back of the driver's seat.

"In my car you do," Logan argued, a serious look on his usually happy face.

"Then I can gladly go take my-"

"No!" Paige suddenly exclaimed, cutting Carter off. "I mean, no need to argue, right? Carter's eighteen and in the backseat, he'll be fine for the ride to the mall."

"No Paige, I'm sorry." Logan didn't let it go. However, I don't blame him. Buckling up is a serious thing, Carter could die if we were to get into a car accident. "I'm not moving this car two inches till Carter buckles up."

"Well then there's your answer," Carter sarcastically said, opening the car door. "I didn't want to ride in this shitty car anyway."

He flung himself out of the backseat, slamming the door shut afterward. I just looked down at my lap again, knowing my opinion wasn't needed in this conversation.

"Great going, Logan." Paige snapped, "Wait a minute, this means I can ride with him!"

Paige suddenly threw her car door open, flying out just as quickly as Carter had. She slammed the door shut as well, leaving Logan and me in his expensive Jeep alone.

"I guess it's just us, then," Logan spoke. "Not that I care anyway. Thank you for buckling up."

"You're welcome," I politely said, looking in the mirror on my side of the car.

I had no good view of Carter's car due to it sitting in Paige's driveway, so I kept my eyes ahead on the empty road ahead of us. I felt it would be too weird and too obvious to watch them by turning around, so I just sat silently in the passenger seat while I twirled the ring around my finger.

"You okay?" Logan asked, catching my attention again. He seemed to take advantage of the fact that we were by ourselves now.

My eyes darted over to him, as I thought about an answer to give him. I didn't know him well enough to just spill out my life story, and I'm honestly used to keeping my feelings to myself. I tend to write in a journal when bottling up my problems gets to be too much, but I really can't write anything down right now.

Before I could respond, the sound of a loud engine was heard and I glanced over to see Carter zooming off past us. Paige was in the car with him, and so Logan took that as his cue to follow after the reckless boy.

"I'm okay," I answered after realizing I'd completely ignored him. "Just overwhelmed."

"You wanna talk about it?" He asked, taking numerous glances at me as he drove. He was a much calmer driver than Carter was. Whereas Carter was more reckless and didn't care, Logan was constantly checking traffic and following every rule to a T.

"Just a very... interesting first day of school I guess." I kept it vague, watching out of the window as I responded.

I know it's quite rude to not make eye contact, and although I've always been taught to look into someone's eyes when talking to them, I couldn't. I was already nervous to the point where my stomach was turning, and it was a lot easier to talk to Logan when I wasn't looking at him. It almost made me less intimidated by him, if that makes sense.

"You've made quite the impression on a lot of people," He said.

"I don't know how," I told him honestly, twirling the ring a little faster.

"Everyone's raging about that thing that happened in second block." He said. From the way his tone sounded, it sounded like he had a smile on his face.

Looking over, I saw that I was right and he was smiling as he spoke.

"It's a rumor," I said.

"I know." He immediately shot back, "I know we don't know each other all too well, but I think I've gathered your personality quite enough in the bit I know you to know you're not going to go all psycho on a girl because you were interested in my annoying brother."

He laughed as he spoke, and it was a beautiful sound. This caused me to smile lightly, feeling the nerves in my stomach calm down a bit. He talked to me as if he knew me more than he did, making my nervousness die down.

"I can believe Paige would do something like that, but not you. I could be wrong, but call it a hunch." Logan then added after I didn't say anything.

At the mention of my cousin, my smile dropped. It just reminded me that I was living in her shadow so much to the point where my mother wished I was her, and it reminded me of the fight we had only moments ago.

"Paige says you're into art," Logan then changed the subject, once again after I didn't respond.

"Yeah," I answered kindly, looking back up at the road.

"What kind of art? Anything specific or is it strictly whatever comes to mind?" Logan asked. He kept asking questions to the conversation didn't die down, despite the fact I wasn't very engaged in the conversation.

Doesn't that usually bore another person? When someone isn't very responsive?

"My favorite is anything to do with watercolors. It's easiest for me, but I'm quite fond of everything." I told him.

"Maybe I'm weird for this, but I'm currently imagining your bedroom walls covered in watercolor paintings." Logan smiled another one of his cute smiles, causing me to blush.

"Unfortunately, no." I shook my head. "They're kind of all shoved in a folder untouched once I'm finished with them. The only things hanging up on my walls are anything relating to shelves or anything like that."

"Shoved away in a folder? How's anyone supposed to see them?" Logan asked, his brows pushing together in question.

I shrugged, rubbing my thumb along the scratch marks littering the top of my right hand. "I don't know, I never think to show anyone, I guess."

"Nobody looks at them?" He asked, glancing at me for a second. We stopped at a red light, putting his full attention on me. His brows were still pushed together, causing the skin between his eyebrows to wrinkle together. His brown eyes looked at me in my spot, the dark brown color mesmerizing me for a moment.

They were absolutely beautiful.

"Nobody really cares enough to," I told him honestly. Usually, I shrugged something like this off. Despite the fact that my artwork really does mean something to me, I never tell people it truly bothers me that nobody really cares to see it. There was just something about looking in his eyes that made me forget I barely knew him, causing me to be completely honest with him.

"I-I mean, my dad shows some interest but my mother tells me that it's stupid to spend so much time on something that won't get me through college," I added, looking away from him.

"That's bullshit," Logan said. "You can get far with the artwork. Depending on the work itself, you can sell one piece to pay rent for like three months straight."

I shrugged, not feeling the need to tell him the things my mother had told me in the past to stop me from wanting to pursue my dreams in the art industry. I never really thought about it as a career choice, knowing that it was silly and nothing good enough to get me to make a living from it. I always just tend to use it as a way to escape reality, a way to make me forget who I really am and the sad, sad life I live.

It made me forget about all of the overwhelming feelings I feel on a daily basis. About the fact that I'm constantly being compared to and living in my cousin's shadow, and about the fact that my life is sadder than anyone else I've ever known. About the fact that I truly have no real friends, and my personality isn't one that's memorable.

And most importantly, it makes me forget that I'm a boring person with no true purpose.

"Well, looks like we're here." Logan brought me out of my thoughts, and I immediately took notice of the giant building and the parking lot full of cars.

"Hopefully we don't have to third wheel with Carter and Paige too much."