At the legion of doom..

"Oh crazy about Joker and Harley." Scarecrow sipped his coffee. "I heard they tried an open relationship thing, which everybody knows only works for gay men."

"Your ideal gossip distracts me from my massive plan." Bane finished stirring the cream in his coffee. "Break the Batman. Punish Gotham for its transgressions,  and stand atop the mountain of skulls left in my wake."

"Alright...Anyway, I heard Harley-" Scarecrow began before someone walked up to them.

"Morning." Joker poured himself a cup of coffee, both Scarecrow and Bane looked nervous as the clown prince of crime began stirring his coffee.

"How are you?." Bane asked.

"Fine. Why wouldn't I be?." Joker's face snapped at them.

"Because..." Scarecrow said, exchanging a look with Bane. "Harley dumped you..."

"People are saying that Harley dumped me?." Joker walked up to them looking pissed before laughing maniacally. "Please! You know what? I don't even care. I wish her well." He sipped his coffee, his hand shaking and his eye twitched.

Back at Ivy's apartment...

"Ivy, Y/n, no rush, but Howie Mandel's only showing how to turn Thanksgiving leftovers into an entire nativity scene" Harley spoke up from the couch, watching the TV.

"HOLY FUCK!-" You punched a hole through the bathroom door and ran over to the couch.

"Oh, my God! Wait, what?." Ivy quickly poured the coffee and walked over to the couch. "Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot." She handed a cup of Harley before sitting down and watching the TV.

"Next I'm going to show you how to make a mashed potato Virgin Mary," Howie said, sweat rolling down his forehead. "But first..." he chuckled nervously. "Please welcome my, uh, surprise co-host." he began to sweat even more. "Uh, you know him as the clown prince of crime. Let's give it up for the Joker." 

The audience gasped as Joker walked into the frame, wearing a chef hat, laughing.

"Shit!." Harley said.

"Damn it." Ivy scoffed.

"Fuck." You groaned.

"Oooh." Frank leaned in, now paying attention.

"Get ready America." Joker smiles at the camera. "Howie's got something he's dying to tell you." he whips of Howie's apron revealing a bomb strapped to his chest, and the audience starts screaming.

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, Not Howie!." Frank shouts.

"You know what's stupid?." Howie reads a paper that was in his hand. "Me, for playfully implying on yesterday's show that the celebrity villain couple, formerly known as "JoQuinn" is no more."

"Thanks, Howie." Joker hugged the tv host, smiling. "When I dumped poor, sad, what's her name..."

"She's right over here." Frank pointed at Harley.

"Frank." Ivy glared.

"I promised I would respect her wishes to drift into the darkness of total anonymity. And for the record, our couple name was...Joker"

"Oh, that liar trying to blow up the cleanest and nicest talk show host in television!." Harley shouted.

"Just ignore him. He's baiting you." Ivy said. "It's not worth getting angry over."

"Sorry, but that's all the time we have today, Howie." Joker smiled. "And speaking of time, yours is running out." He pressed the button on the bomb which started a sixty-second countdown.

"I need a very brave wardrobe girl!." Howie ran off the scream as the audience began screaming, Harley, enraged, smashed the tv with her baseball bat.

"Jesus Harls!." Ivy shouted. "This is why I don't put the good TV out."

"Good TV!?. Where you hiding that bad boy?." Frank looked around, asking Ivy.

"If he thinks I'm just gonna fade away into obscurity, he doesn't know what's coming." Harley began pacing angrily.

"Who cares?." Ivy asked. "You're doing great. You got a killer new outfit, you started meditating."

"I haven't started yet. I just downloaded the app." Harley said.

"That's a first step." Ivy put her mug down. "You're a strong independent woman who doesn't care what other people think."

"Right! Who cares what Joker and his stupid Legion of Doom buddies think."

"Exactly!." Ivy smiled.

"Right on!." You grinned.

"Preach!." Frank shouted.

"Hell, I'll show them in person how little I care." Harley took out her phone.

"What?. No. What are you doing?." Ivy asked.

"Logging into Joker's calendar."

"Oh, God, we're off the rails." Ivy groaned

"No, let it play out." Frank smiled.

"Oh, hey, there's a party at the Gotham Mint with the Legion of Doom guys tomorrow!." Harley smiled. "Oh, if he wants to fuck with me in public, I will fuck right back!."

"Please do not do this." Ivy said.

"Please do that shit." Frank nodded.

"I'm just gonna show those guys how awesome I'm doing without him. It'll be so fun!. And you can meet a hot guy and use your cool love potion." Harley smiled at Ivy, gesturing to the bracelet around her wrist.

"This is not a love potion. It's my distilled pheromones. It makes men infatuated with me and then kills them by turning them into plants."

"Right, a love potion." Frank, you and Harley all say.

"Please come with me. Please!." Harley begged.

"No." Ivy said, walking away.

"Do it. Do it. Do it."

"Stop."

"Do it. Do it. Do it." Harley, You, and Frank began chanting.

"Frank shut up." Ivy said. "Saying no again." No matter how many times she said no, you all kept chanting at her. "Fine."

"Yes." Harley smiled, then looked at you. "You coming with us?."

"Cant...I've got work to do tomorrow, a target of mine's gonna be in the city tomorrow evening, Penguin wants him gone, gonna pay me big bucks if I do it." 

"Aww..." Harley frowned.

Then there was a text on Ivy's phone, Harley grabbed it.

"Oh, shit. Howie exploded." 

"No!." Both Ivy and Frank shouted at the same time.

"Not Howie!." You looked down.

"Joker, you son of a bitch!." Harley tossed the phone in the air.

"That's my phone!." Ivy shouted as Harley swung the bat, hitting the phone, and breaking it into pieces.

Timeskip...

At the Gotham Mint, Harley and Ivy walked in, along with two tigers.

"Did you know that this party was for children?." Ivy asked as someone took the tigers from Harley.

"I do now." Harley spoke. "Although, technically, one boy becomes a man today."

"Are you one of the dancers for my nephew's bar mitzvah?." Penguin walked over with a plate of shrimp in his hand before realizing it was Harley. 

"Jesus, Harley!." He laughed. "Rock bottom came fast as the Joker dumped you."

"Uh, she dumped him, and you smell like shrimp shit. Excuse us." Ivy grabbed Harley's arm. "We should leave."

"No, no, no, no, no." Harley pulled her arm away. "All the Legion bigwigs are here." She looked around "I came to show 'em how great I'm doing and I am gonna!."

"This isn't your coming out party, It's a 13-year-old boy's coming out party." Ivy put a hand on her friend's shoulder.

"Look, a lot of people made a name for themselves at parties." Harley said. "like Bane, he decided to blow up Gotham Stadium during Trivia Night."

"Fine, just don't leave me alone or some like D-list villain will hit on me or ask to do a heist with me and the longer we wait... Okay, she's gone." Ivy looked around for Harley. "This is why Y/n should've come with us." she rolled her eyes, looking uncomfortable.

Meanwhile...

"I need a permit for a trap door?." Joker shouted at the construction worker. "The whole point is no one is supposed to know about it, especially the city, I need this lair rebuilt now." he pulled out a gun and aimed it at the construction worker, and then his phone rang.

"Knock, knock, who's there? It's me, Joker."

"You will never guess who's at the bar mitzvah." Bane said on the other end of the phone.

"Jesus, Bane!." Joker sighed. "I don't have time for a guessing game. Hang on." he looked over at two people moving his shoes. 

"Those shoes have black soles, put plastic booties on!."

"Harley is at Penguin's nephew's bar mitzvah." Bane continued talking.

"She crashed the stupid thing?." Joker laughed.

"Yeah, seems like she's doing pretty well, brought a tiger." Bane looked over at Harley. "Pretty cool."

"What?." Joker groaned.  "Anyone can buy a tiger, you know she has HPV, right?."

"Most sexually active adults do." Bane replied.

"Shut up!." Joker began walking away from his lair. "I'm on my way."

"Uh-oh!." Harley walked over to the table were Scarecrow, Bane and Two-Face were sitting. "Who are these troublemakers?." She laughed. "Nah, I'm just kidding." 

"I know it's you, Scarecrow."

 "Two-Face."

"Other half of Two-Face."

"Bane." Harley mocked him which made Scarecrow and Two-Face laugh.

"I'm going to blow up this bar mitzvah." Bane looked away, folding his arms.

"Quinn, great to see you. Where you been hiding?." Two-Face asked.

"On your left, where you can't see shit." Harley joked.

"So, guess who has a plan to finally get rid of Batman?." Harley then pointed to herself. "Ya girl."

"Look who's trying to run before she can crawl."

Bane, Scarecrow, and Two-Face laughed nervously.

"Mazel tov!." Bane shouted.

 "Glad you're here, J-Man." Harley smiled at Joker. "Pull up a chair, doesn't bother me." she quickly grabbed a menu. "So, who's goin' beef and who's goin' chicken?."

"You are going somewhere else, because this is the Legion of Doom table!." Joker said chuckling. "Why don't you go find the Crazy bitch table?."

"Spoiler: It's not a real table." Bane spoke up.

"That was implied!." Joker shouted at Bane.

"Who wants to ditch this jester and tear up Gotham with me?." Harley looked at the other three before Joker laughed, then glared at the other three.

"Laugh." He said menacingly. "Laugh with me." then they all started laughing.

"You know what?." Harley got up from her chair. "Who needs ya, this table's too far away from the dance floor anyway."

Harley sat down by Ivy and looked pissed.

"These assholes always pretended to be my friends but they're really just... assholes!." Harley slammed her hands on the table, Joker raised his glass to her and winked.

"They think I am not in their league, but they don't know shit!." She angrily shouted making everyone look at her.

"Hi, girls. So glad you could come." Mrs. Cobblepot walked over to them. "I know we're all evil here, but maybe we could put a little sugar on that salty language, you know, for the kids."

"Sorry, Mrs. Cobblepot." Harley smiled.

"Yeah, never again. Sorry." Ivy said, and then Mrs. Cobblepot walked away. "Dude, we got to get the fuck out of here."

"Hell, no. I'm not giving up." Harley glared. "I'll show these Legion guys I can do something not even they can!." She smiled looking at Ivy. "What's one thing in this room, none of them ever had the balls to try?."

"The fruit salad?." Ivy asked, looking over at the fruit salad that some kid sneezed on.

"Even worse." Harley grinned. "I'm gonna rob the Gotham Mint."

"All right, Stop. Let's get real for a second." Ivy put an arm on her friend's shoulder. "The Gotham Mint is impenetrable, they're so confident, they rented the atrium out to the Legion of Doom."

"Look, I'm doing this thing, all right?." Harley snapped.

"What if Batman shows up?."

"I'll kill him."

"Where's the getaway car?."

"I'll steal one."

"Where will you put all the money?" 

"Look around, every kid's wearing a backpack." Harley gestured to all the backpacks. "Gah! Look, Ivy, all the reasons you said it can't work are exactly the reasons I gotta do it,  they might not like me, but they will respect the shit out of me."

"All right, fine. Just go. Go steal the money, but don't say I didn't warn you." Ivy rolled her eyes, Harley grabbed a backpack and snuck her way into the back, quickly taking out a guard.

"The vault must be around here somewhere." Harley looked around the corridor and saw the vault "Bingo."

"Ugh!." Joker groaned. "My chicken is rubbery."

"Mmm, your beef looks good." Joker swapped plates with Bane.

"Uh, fine." Bane reached for Joker's plate but Joker pulled the plate back over to himself as well.

"Ah, ah, I might finish that."

"Oh, well, then, what are we doing?."

"Hey, everybody, let's give it up for Joshua's bar mitzvah, huh?." Penguin smiled.

"It was very special for me, It was when I realized it was my dream to become a crime lord." Joshua smiled

"Awwww." The crowd said in unison.

"So today, I force that dream onto you."

"Okay, Joshua, get ready for your first caper." Penguin smiled at his nephew. "Good luck fighting off the guards, also known as Gotham Chucklehut's finest improvisers... and stealing that cash-ola, otherwise known as..." Penguin spoke up.

"Joshua Bucks?." Harley looked at the money before the realization clicked.

"Oh, no!." Harley's eyes widen as the curtains behind her drop, revealing Harley, the cash, and the injured improv team.

"Go, Joshua... Oh, my God!." Penguin looked at Harley, horrified, then angry.

"Hey, Joshy, mazel tov." Harley dropped the money, chuckling nervously.

"This is fantastic." Joker laughed, then looked at Bane. "You're probably not laughing because this is sort of how you screw up."

"You ruined the bar mitzvah!." Penguin glared, walking up to Harley, the crowd booed. "And crippled an improv troupe!."

"And that's our show, folks!." Harley bowed and then frantically sprinted towards the door.

"I got this." Penguin loaded his umbrella gun and shot Harley in the neck with a dart

"Say good night, puddin'." Joker walked over to her, grinning, all the others surrounded her.

"You think this is gonna... stop me?." Harley spoke drifting in and out of consciousness sounding tired and weak.

"She even sounds like you." Joker looked at Bane, laughing again.

"Oh, I don't think... Do I sound like...You never hear your own voice, I guess." Bane folded his arms.

Seeing this, Ivy ran over to Harley but was stopped by Scarecrow, Two-Face, and Penguin, Joker gave her a bitch slap which knocked her down, and picked up her phone.

"Let's see what we have here..." Joker checked the messages. "Oh look at that, Headhunter's in your contact list as well." His eyes widened when he looked back at Harley and slowly began laughing.

"Well, might as well have some fun at this party, and what's a party without a party crasher!-"

"Just a normal party." Bane spoke, Joker sighed and began using Ivy's phone for a text.

Meanwhile...

You were a top Gotham bridge, your target was tied up and tape was over his mouth. 

"It's a long fall..." You looked down at the waters below... "If you somehow miss the sharp rocks at the bottom, you aren't getting out of those ropes." you grab the man and are about to chuck him over the edge before your phone let off a dinging sound, you read the text from Ivy.

"Harley and I crashed Penguin's nephew's bar mitzvah, it's so boring...are you free right now?."

You sigh and drop the man on the edge, keeping him in place with your foot.

"MMMM!!!!." He shouted and begged as you responded to Ivy's text.

"In ten seconds yes, why do you ask?."

"Just wanted to know if you'd be up for a little fun...behind the Gotham mint?." That message came with a winky face emoji and you gave a thumbs-up emoji before taking a selfie with the target, then throwing him off, taking another picture as the man was impaled on the sharp rocks. "shit...I forgot to cut off his head!."

Timeskip...

You climbed back onto the bridge, a bloody knife between your teeth and the head of the target in your hand, you slowly walked over to the target's car and got in the driver's seat, putting the head in the passengers seat.

"Safety first." you put the seatbelt on the head, strapping it in nice and tight, you then drove off to the Gotham mint, as you did, something slowly crossed your mind...Ivy never used emojis when she texted you, in fact, she was annoyed whenever you used emojis.

"...Oh....fuck!." You floor the gas pedal and the car zooms down the street, knocking over a fire hydrant that a dog was pissing on, the blast of water sent the dog flying into the air.

"Cut the song. No Horah for Harley."

"Hey, it's gonna take more than a souped-up parasol to keep me from kicking your ass, you fat flightless bird."

"The mouth on her." Penguin handed Joshua his umbrella. "What better way to become a man than by--"

"Ooh, than touching your umbrella? Whoo." Joshua turned the slider from Gas to Bullet. "Yes, I've been waiting for this!." He then pointed at it Harley.

"Any last words before I k*ll your dumb blonde, stupid, smelly..."

"That's too many adjectives." Scarecrow whispered to Two-Face who nodded.

"...idiot ass?." Joshua finished.

"Hey, Joshua, make sure you aim it directly at my head, 'cause you don't want to miss in front of your friends and family." Harley smiled.

"I won't miss."

"I don't know, that trembly finger's telling a different story." Harley kept smiling.

"It's not trembly." Joshua snapped. "I just... I've never shot an umbrella before."

"I bet there are a lot of things that you've never done like drunk a beer." Harley laughed.

"I drunk a beer, like all the time." Joshua shouted. "I always drunk beers."

"I bet you still believe in Santy Claus." Harley was getting arise out of him, making him angry.

"I don't!." Joshua shouted again. "I'm Jewish and today, I'm a man."

"Oh, that's right, I forgot I'm talking to a newly grown man." Harley rolled her eyes. "I mean, after all, you've already fingerbanged somebody." 

"Wait, what?." 

"I mean, you have, haven't you?." Harley grinned. "You didn't lie about such an important milestone, right?."

"Yeah, it happened."

"Are you sure?." Harley asked, grinning from ear to ear.

"I... I don't know." Joshua began shaking "It was at camp, at night, It was me and her and it was dark, I definitely did something."

"Oh, Joshy."

"Do you really think you're ready to kill someone if you've never even finger-blasted a girl?." Harley asked, Joshua began sweating and shaking even more.

"You're right." He looked up and dropped the umbrella. "I'm not ready."

"I told you we should've gotten him the dollhouse like he asked, Oswald." Mrs. Cobblepot shouted at Penguin.

"It's not a dollhouse!." Joshua shouted. "It's an army base with sound effects of real screams and it's the only thing I wanted!."

"You're dead, Quinn." Penguin pointed the umbrella at Harley, Ivy tried to get up by Two-Face and Scarecrow kept her down, then...they are heard a car horn, and it was getting louder, everyone ducked as you drove the car right through the doors, stopping it just before it hit Harley.

"Hey, did they do cake yet?." You asked, getting out of the car, adjusting your leather jacket.

"Not yet." Harley tried to flip out of the car but instead, she landed on her ass, granted, she did break the chair.

"I thought that was gonna be way cooler." Harley groaned, lying on the floor, Joker was smiling, slowly walking up to her.

"Harley, you're not a solo act, you're a sidekick, an afterthought." He chuckled. "No one is ever going to take you seriously,  admit you're nothing without me and you walk away alive...Or you can die."

"Well, easy choice." You said, walking over to Joker, before looking at Penguin. "Happy birthday Ozzy."

"It's not my birthday Headhunter it's my nephews and this is a bar mitsvah!." Penguin glared at you, your smile faded and your eyes widened before you had a confused look on your face.

"Wait, you're Jewish?..."

Ivy, seeing a distraction, kicked Two-Face in the balls and punched Scarecrow, running over to both you and Harley.

"I ain't admitting shit!." Harley shouted at Joker, who looked over at Two-Face, Scarecrow and Bane.

"Boys?." He looked at Harley and grinned, the three of them circling Harley, Ivy and yourself.

"I got Two-Face." Harley got up.

"I got Scarecrow." Ivy spoke.

You looked over at Bane.

"....well then...fuck me..." You said as Bane grabbed you by the throat and tossed you into a giant glass statue, leaving you with several cuts.

Harley was getting shot at by Scarecrow, Ivy used her vines to block the bullets, Harley leaped over them, grabbed her bat off the ground and whacked Scarecrow with it.

"Ive, gun!." She shouted, looking at Two-Face.

"Got it." Ivy snatched Two-Face's tommy gun out of his hands with the vines, tossing it to Harley, who shot at Scarecrow's fear toxin jetpack, which sent him flying around the Gotham mint, screaming his head off.

"Let's get out of here." Ivy ran to Harley.

"No, let's fight." She looked around. "Maybe Y/n can help-" she looked over to you and her eyes widened as Bane was piledriving you onto the floor.

"Bane!." Joker shouted. "Quit dicking around with HeadHunter and get those two." he pointed at Ivy and Harley.

"But he was attacking me." Bane spoke, before piledriving you again.

"He's no real threat to you, he's just an assassin for hire!." Joker shouted. "Just do what I tell you, you dumb, freakish monster."

"Bane, why are you letting him talk to you like that?." Harley looked at Bane, who frowned.

"In fact, why do any of you let him talk to you like that?." She looked at the rest of the villains. "He doesn't even have powers, his only power is bullying you into doing what he wants." She glared at Joker.

"I should know. He did it to me for years."

"Don't listen to her." Joker glared back. "She's nothing!."

"She makes a good point." Bane spoke. "I don't like how you called me a monster."

"-Yeah, that was pretty harsh." Scarecrow said.

"-Oh, yeah." Two-Face agreed.

"Oh, my God! It's just an expression." Joker sighed, sounding pissed.

"Also, let's talk about dinner." Bane tossed you aside over to Harley and Ivy. "I selected the beef well in advance and you stole it from me, you said you didn't even want to come to this "stupid thing." Bane spoke and the crowd gasped.

"My feelings exactly, this is a monumental night for young Joshua." Bane folded his arms.

"I'm the Joker, all right?." Joker laughed. "I was joking, okay?...Oh, my God! I'll kill Harley myself." He walked over to Harley and took out a purple gun, Ivy got in front of him.

"Ivy, if you could just, you know, move over, so I could just kill your friend."

"Absolutely," Ivy smirked. "Over my dead body."

"Ugh! Female friendships." Joker rolled his eyes, before vines surrounded him, Ivy giving him a glare...then a laughing sound was heard.

"Hold on." Joker took out his phone. "I'm getting a cell call from my contractor..." he put the phone up to his ear. "What? This is the Joker. Come again. Yeah, whatever."

"What do you mean they're not going to start till 10:00?." Joker shouted. "Ugh! Can you believe this?

"They're calling it a residential zone...It's an abandoned amusement park at the end of a rotting pier!." Joker said out loud.

"I'll, uh... Yeah, coming over right now."

"Let's put a pin in this." Joker walked over to Harley, smirking, before walking away. "You understand."

"So, are we good to leave now?" Ivy looked over at Harley.

"Yeah." Harley smiled.

"No...." You weakly groaned, coughing up a bit of blood.

"Oh my god Y/n, are you okay!?-" Harley ran over to you-

"Oh yeah sure, just only BLEEDING OUT OF SEVERAL PARTS OF MY BODY!." you shouted, Harley and Ivy helped you up.

"I can't believe you talked me into coming to this." Ivy sighed.

"Don't forget your party favors." Mrs. Cobblepot handed them bags of money.

"Thank you, Mrs. Cobblepot." Both Harley and Ivy took the bags, dropping you on the floor and walking away.

"OW-What the fuck!." You shouted at them.

"Aw, such sweet girls." Mrs. Cobblepot smiled.

"Yeah, really sweet." You snapped, you walked over to the car and pulled out the head, chucking it at Oswald. "Here's your man, have the money by tomorrow, Oswald...and tell your nephew I said happy birthday."

You slowly got in the car you drove here in, backing up, you ran over two of Penguin's goons who screamed as you reversed out of the mint, as you were putting the car in drive, someone tapped on your window, of course, it was Harley and Ivy.

"...Can we get a ride?." Harley asked, with a smile on her face.

Timeskip...

The three of you were back at Ivy's apartment, eating some of the cake from the party.

"So, do you realize now that you don't have to prove to anyone how awesome you are?." Ivy asked Harley.

"Yes, except for the Legion of Doom." Harley smiled. "I need to get into the Legion of Doom."

"What?" Ivy looked confused. "After all of this, why would you wanna be a part of that club, those guys are such dicks." 

"No, not all of 'em, when we were leaving, Bane said, "You go, girl!." Harley smiled.

"No, he distinctly said, "Ooh, Go-GURT." Ivy rolled her eyes.

"Ooh, what, they had Go-GURT? Oh, man." Harley looked down. "Ivy, listen. Anyone who is a respected supervillain is in the Legion of Doom, that's when you know you've made it." She grinned. 

"If Joker can get in, so can I." 

"...Can I go to a hospital?." You asked, still covered in your own blood thanks to Bane, you were pale as hell, you looked like were on death's doorstep.

"Um, hospitals are way too expensive." Ivy looked over at you. "And relax, you'll be fine, you're an assassin, you'll walk it off-"

"I'm literally bleeding out of my ass right now, the least you could do is give me some of your medicines or plant juice or whatever the fucking miracle tonic you have here is called."

"Stop being so dramatic Y/n." Harley continued eating cake. "I'm sure your ass is fine-"

You turned around and they both gasped, dropping the plates on the carpet.

"Holy shit!!!." Harley screamed.

"What's everyone screaming about?-" Frank asked before seeing what happened. "Oh. My. God..."

"Okay, yeah, come on, we're taking you to the hospital..." Ivy used her vines to help you into the stolen car. "...Hey, I know this may sound shitty but...can you pick up the bill?... I'm behind rent on my apartment."