CHAPTER THIRTY NINE

Hannah had avoided the world for almost a week, spending her days lying in her sister's bed and watching homemade videos of her siblings growing up. It left a bittersweet taste in her mouth; on one hand she adored the adorable moments that had been captured but on the other, she was somewhat jealous even though she knew she shouldn't have been. It wasn't her father's fault that he hadn't been in her life and she had to admit that Auntie Sara and Uncle Jay had done all they could for her.

And so had Cameron.

That thought made it even harder for her to ignore her cousin. She had smashed her phone screen but the bloody thing still worked and every few hours she got a call. She'd sent him a quick text on the third day after he had called a million times, probably making numerous spelling mistakes due to barely being able to see what she was typing. 'I'm alive, don't worry,' was all she had said, feeling guilt rise up inside her.

She knew very well that whilst he may have been disgusted to see her half naked – after all, who wanted to see that with their cousin? Gross – he would still be worried sick about her. And as he didn't know where Chris lived, he hadn't been able to barge right in and ensure she was okay.

Her friends had all also called and left her numerous messages, encouraging words filling up her phone. And so had Rayne. He was the one person she was most scared to face and whilst she knew it wasn't rational to blame him considering it was neither of their fault, the student body wouldn't be analysing every pore and curve of her boobs if they hadn't had sex that night. 

His voice rose through the air, a lump in her throat as she listened to his voicemail.

Hey... it's uh, it's me... Well, I guess you already know that. I don't really know what to say anymore... I've said it all already and uh, you might not even be listening... I miss you... I miss uh, talking to you and hearing you laugh and stuff and uh, I'm so mad that you're so upset right now... and embarrassed too I guess... I wish I could make it less but I don't really know what to do. Whenever you're ready to come back and stuff, uh, I'll be here. Okay? Uh, bye Hannah, I'll see you around... hopefully.

"Are you seriously gonna sit and wallow in your pity whilst listening to his voicemails over and over again?" Lucy asked, falling down on the bed with enough force to make Hannah jump slightly. She had just pulled her school uniform on, tightening her maroon tie as she chided Hannah with a wagging of her finger and toothpaste on her chin. After hearing all about Rayne and their impromptu 'date' from the older sister she had never known she had, Lucy was very much aboard the lets-ship-Rayne-and-Hannah train.

Before Hannah could defend herself, her stepmother's voice resounded from downstairs. "You're gonna be late! Breakfasts ready, kids!"

The two girls trudged downstairs, little Liam skipping after them with a giggle. Hannah was still wearing her pyjamas, refusing to go back to school for the seventh day in a row but her phone soon rang with her Aunt's voice.

"Hello?" Hannah had whispered, not sure what to say. She knew that by now Cameron would have told his parents what had occurred and the shame hadn't left her, still sinking into her skin despite the passing time. Every time she thought back to that moment the video played she felt nauseous, bile rising in her throat and her stomach twisting wildly. True to their word, however, the school had locked down on their IT system and had blocked the video from circulating as much as possible.

"Hey there, darling," Sara answered, thankful that her niece had picked up the phone. "How are you feeling?"

Hannah laughed although it was empty, the sound tearing at her windpipe like thorns. "I'm... okay, I guess. I'll survive. I'm, uh, I'm staying with my dad at the moment. Could you let Cam know, please? I haven't told him but–"

Sara chuckled, it bubbling up in her throat reminding Hannah of summertime. "He already knows, love, Tyler told him. Aw, he's lovely, isn't he by the way? We met him the other day! Anyway, yeah, his boyfriend told him who knew from his friend, the one who's Christopher's nephew. Alex, isn't it?"

Hannah felt a warmth erupt inside her, spreading until it filled every corner of her body to the brim. Cameron had known where she was and yet, had still left her to lick her wounds in peace. He had given her time to recover, time to think, time to heal and that was what was most important.

"But darling, I'm actually calling for something else. Your head-teacher rang me early this morning, he wants you to come back to school. I know you're embarrassed to face everyone, baby, but you can't just miss a week of school when you're this close to your finals. You've worked so hard for this!"

Hannah begrudgingly agreed, although every fibre within her was saying no. After promising she would get up and get ready for school – god, just the thought made her want to vomit – she handed the phone to her father, who had a day off work. "Auntie Sara wants to talk to you."

She wanted to add a 'dad' at the end of her sentence but couldn't quite drag it out from between her teeth, the word foreign in her mouth. Lucy and Liam both said it without a care in the world but somewhere deep inside her, Hannah didn't think she deserved to call Chris her dad out loud.

"Long time, no speak, Sara!" Chris said, beaming as he took hold of Hannah's cracked phone. Before everything had gone pear-shaped, he had been rather close to Sara and even got on well with Jay. Despite the many years that had passed by, the grey in his hair and the grown up daughter that he had, it was nice to talk to his old friends again. Hannah left him to it to get ready for school, humming to herself in an attempt to soothe her treacherous mind as it thought up every worst case scenario.

Her uniform was a little creased but it was too late to bother ironing it, the clock striking close to eight o'clock. Her form class begun in thirty minutes and she had barely finished breakfast or had time to put any makeup on. It was only when she was reaching the iron gates that Hannah regretted it however – a face full of makeup would have done wonders to hide the mauve bags under her eyes and the way the corners of her lips had all been bitten.

Mr Harris pulled her away before his form class began for a meeting, moments before the bell rang. Whilst he sympathised with her for all the whispers and stares that were still circulating around the student body, he was first and foremost her teacher. It was his responsibility to ensure his students rose to the very best of their capabilities and her missing so many lessons wouldn't do anyone favours.

"Hannah, I understand that you're embarrassed and rightly so but that doesn't mean you can hide away for the rest of the school year. I'm sorry but I can't have you missing any more lessons on purpose or else there will be consequences. You've spent your entire academic life waiting for this one year, just think about it, and don't let people's words push you away when you're so close to succeeding above them all."

She sighed, fingers tugging at a loose thread from her school skirt in an anxiety she just couldn't shake. How many people could say that their teachers had seen their bare breasts? It was definitely not on her list of what to achieve during high school and yet, here she was!

"That's what Becky said," she mumbled, words tripping on her tongue.

Mr Harris rested his chin on one hand, looking at her with expectation. "Well then, it's about time you made some decent friends then, isn't it?"

Hannah sighed, nodding diligently but spacing out during his little lecture all the same. The bell rang above them, shrill as the school day begun.

"Before you go, Hannah, I would really like you to think about doing the speech at the end of the year celebration," he ignored her surprised yelp and emphatic shame off her head as he continued, smiling. "You've come a long way and it would be nice for you to stand up in front of everybody and show them what you're made off. You're a good kid, Hannah, and it really has been an honour being your form teacher for the past seven years or so."

She couldn't quite control the guttural sound that rose from her throat in disbelief but willed it down all the same. The speech at the end of the year celebration ceremony was usually reserved for one student who had been hand-picked by the head-teacher himself, to represent the entire school. Premrose was such a large school with such an impressive alumni that the event usually caused quite a stir throughout all the circles worth knowing about.

"I'll think about it," she whispered, although she had already decided to decline. Hannah had faced enough people staring at her in the past hour to last a lifetime!

The stumble towards her English class was what she was least looking forward to, knowing that both Becky and Mohammad were going to pounce on her. And worse still, it would be the first time she saw Rayne that week. She knew that by ignoring him, she wasn't making it any easier but honestly, Hannah couldn't find it within herself to do anything else.

She was a coward.

Her English class was full when she arrived, chattering rising with every step taken forward until she felt she would suffocate beneath their words. Her name was still being thrown around occasionally, lumped in with the gossip Ashlyn and Gabriel had stirred after being unceremoniously thrown out of the school.

Becky was seated on top of her table when Hannah walked into the classroom, bowing her head in hopes of not being seen. Mohammad was sitting in his chair, laughing at something Becky had said with his hands running through his hair. After the few years she had known him, Hannah was well aware that he only did that when he was nervous about something and the way the two were grinning at each other made her smile knowingly.

Her fantasies of all the ways she could accidentally-on-purpose butt into their lives and do a little matchmaking was sadly interrupted however, when she caught sight of Rayne. He had one hand propping his face up, skin pallid as he slumped over in his chair with his tie barely knotted around his neck. He looked dreadful and Hannah knew she probably looked the same, the creases under their eyes matching perfectly. The lesson passed by in a blur and for once, she was glad Mr Daniels was droning on about their final year exams as it meant she could conveniently not notice the looks Rayne was sending her.

The very second the bell rang, she jumped from her seat and marched straight out, clutching tight onto her text books as though they were her lifeline. Rayne's expression fell, eyes crest-fallen as she ignored him calling her name.

"Hannah? Hang on a sec, aw c'mon, Hannah!"

As soon as the coast was clear, she slumped against some lockers in the corridor, groaning as she slid down upon the floor. The ground was cold against her bare legs and her socks had rolled down but she barely noticed, too absorbed in how exhausting ignoring Rayne had been. They didn't have a label on their relationship, hadn't even talked about it and yet, she felt as though she had been ripped to pieces being away from him for so long.

'It's your own fault,' she thought, lips quivering slightly. 'Stupid, so bloody stupid.'

Becky and Mohammad had caught up with her by that point, her friends both torn between wanting to hug her and wanting to slap her. Mohammad sat down on the ground beside her, offering his shoulder to lean upon which she graciously accepted, burying her nose into his collarbone. "Life's a bitch," he said, as way of greeting.

Becky wasn't so forgiving, glaring daggers as she pursed her lips – painted bright orange today. "I love you and all, Hannah, but Rayne's my best mate. Ignoring him when he's so worried about you is downright mean. What the fuck are you playin' at, woman?"

She spluttered in response, the inner corners of her lips stinging as she bit down. "I dunno," she mumbled, the space between her brows creased together. "It's okay, uh, it's fine. He'll be okay without me, won't he?"

Mohammad glared at her then, so strongly that her words immediately evaporated from between her lips. He was usually so laid back all the time, constantly joking, that seeing him on edge with anger in his eyes struck a chord in her. "You don't seriously believe that shit, do you?" he asked, voice rising with outrage as she wrapped her arms tighter around herself – as though she was stop herself splintering into a million pieces. "The boy clearly likes you, Hannah, don't be a fuckin' idiot and push him away just cuz you're embarrassed."

Becky nodded furiously, braids bouncing around her shoulders, kneeling down unusually close to the boy beside her. "I've known Rayne half my life and it's clear as anything that he fancies the pants of you. Look, that blonde bitch and the biggest bastard in the world aren't around anymore, and thank Jesus for that! Don't run away from Rayne when we all know you two are perfect together, as sickening as it is."

Hannah tried to ignore the way her heart spun cartwheels against her ribs at the thought of Rayne liking her, like they said, but it was hard. The shame that she had felt, however, at the way his eyes widened in horror when he saw the video was enough to force it back down.

"You don't understand," she managed to mumble against the navy of her skirt as she squashed her face into her legs in an attempt to disappear – one that didn't work out so well. "You don't know what it's like, I'm so goddamn humiliated. It's not even just about him, it's about everyone. How can I possibly face anyone when the whole world has seen me naked?"

Mohammad snorted, one stray loose curl falling in front of his face. "Melodramatic, much?" He slid himself on the ground until he was directly in front of her, looking her straight in the face with a serious expression. "I get it, you're embarrassed that most our school has seen your tits. But big fuckin' deal, what's a bunch of dumb teenagers in the grand scheme of life? It's not like they're plastered to billboards across the country or used to wallpaper Buckingham Palace or tweeted by Obama or–"

Becky interrupted him with a shove, rolling her eyes at his complete lack of tact. "What this complete bloody idiot here means to say is that it's not as bad as it feels right now, okay? They're just boobs, mighty fine ones if I do say so myself but just boobs all the same. If it makes you feel better, I'll totally print out photos of my own right now and stick them all over the walls. Premrose needs a little livening up anyway."

Hannah giggled at that, her throat feeling a little less constricted with the lengths her friends were going to in order to make her smile again. Mohamamd had rolled his eyes at that but he was fighting a grin back, until he gave in, beaming brightly at the two girls.

And on the other side of the corridor behind all the people rushing past and the lockers clanging, Rayne smiled too, glad that Hannah was back. One week without her was hell, he couldn't imagine them being apart for another moment.