CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

There was silence and then Hannah laughed; a sound that was so throaty and false that it almost scared them. "You're actually going to tell me about him? After wanting to know for eighteen years?"

Her laughter became hysterical until tears dripped down her cheeks. She didn't know why she was feeling so emotional these days but it was frustrating her. She barely ever cried and here she was, wailing like a baby.

Aunt Sara's expression melted, pity shining from her coal eyes. "I'm so sorry, darling. I thought it would be best for you not to know because truthfully there isn't much to say."

"But you do deserve to know," her Uncle Jay added, nodding along with his wife as he pulled his chair closer to the teenagers.

Once Hannah had controlled herself and wiped her eyes, she motioned at them to continue. "So... how much of an asshole was he?"

Cameron's parents looked at each others with identical unsure expressions. "Well... he wasn't."

The food long forgotten, Cameron swore loudly. "What the fuck?!"

His father shushed him and continued. "Okay, so, they met in university. I think they were in the same business class or something. He was really smart but also worked really hard for what he wanted to achieve because unlike us, he didn't grow up with money. He was studying computer engineering or something like that and-"

Hannah gasped, a memory of her mother shouting at her as a child to stay away from her computer. "Is that why she hated me being on the computer? I always thought it was because she didn't like me near her stuff."

Sara nodded. "Yeah, although you look like Jasmine, you most definitely take after Chris in every other aspect. You're a mini version of him from what I remember."

"Chris." Hannah whispered the name to herself, feeling the way it fit on her tongue. It was such a regular, standard name.

"Chris Davis," her uncle confirmed.

Cameron scrunched his nose, running his fingers through his pin straight hair. "That's so... white. He's English? That's weird, I've never thought of you as half something else before. I always think of you as being just as Indian as me."

Hannah felt like her mind was reeling. They had barely told her anything and it was already too much. Now she had a name and a race to go on. "I don't really think of myself as Indian though," she murmered, more to herself than to Cam. "I don't feel connected to it. I don't feel white either though, I feel like neither."

"You're both, honey," her aunt said with a sad smile as she squeezed her nieces hand reassuringly.

"Go on."

"Chris was a good guy, kinda nerdy but sweet talking and pretty funny. He was a charmer, that was for sure. And he charmed Jasmine right off her feet," Sara continued, smiling to herself as she remembered her days in university with them. Sara and Jasmine had been in one of the same classes and from there, their friendship had grown. And ever since she met Jasmines brother, Jay, she had become one of the family.

"You know what your grandfather is like, don't you," Uncle Jay continued, his foot absent-mindedly tapping away at the wooden floor as he recited all he could remember. "He was much worse when we were kids. After mum died, our dad grew tougher, stricter, more controlling. I was lucky that I always had managed to please him and I didn't back down when he wasn't happy with Sara because her parents weren't as educated as mine. I fought for her but Jasmine was never brave enough to fight."

Hannah's mouth had dropped open and she actually looked outraged. "Do you mean that my dad wasn't some random deadbeat guy and that the only reason I don't know him was cuz grandad was horrible to him?!"

Uncle Jay sighed, shaking his head. "Not quite. Chris was a smart guy but he was dumb with people. He fell for her too fast and focused his life around her. He became obsessed, it wasn't healthy."

"Your grandad didn't know about him, he would have had a heart attack. Remember this was over thirty years ago, it was unheard of for Indian's to marry even other South Asians, never mind someone from a whole different continent. It was seen as shameful."

Hannah felt sick. "That's so stupid though. We're in London, there are so many people that are mixed race or in a relationship with someone different than them. Oh my God."

Cameron was silent, listening intently. His hands were curling in fists and he didn't like where the story was going. Although Hannah wanted to know, he knew she wouldn't like it.

"They hadn't been together long but Chris told her he was in love. Jasmine freaked out because to her, it had never been serious. She said it was just a stupid fling. She always knew that she could never really be with him so she started distancing herself, making excuses, the whole lot. Chris tried everything to get her attention but she avoided him. So then he decided to talk to her dad."

"No!" Hannah spluttered.

"Yeah. It's not like he knew what our dad was like so can't really blame him but still, it was a stupid idea. Dad went mental. He had never wanted Jasmine to study fashion even though she was doing business alongside it. He said it was stupid, a waste of sending her to university. But she had begged and had promised to do really well and then some random English boy came along and told him she had been in a secret relationship the whole time instead of studying like we was supposed to."

"And he was pretty poor. Very hardworking but his parents didn't have anything," aunt Sara continued, nostalgia running through her veins as she thought of the past.

"Jasmine was in a lot of trouble but she managed to weasel her way out of it by saying that they were just friends and he happened to like her. She said nothing had happened between them and that she would focus on her studies."

Hannah was sitting up straight, trying to imagine her mother as an unsure nineteen year old. It was hard, she couldn't see her in any other way than the bitter woman she'd become. "And then...?"

"And then you came along."

Hannah felt sick. Her stomach was shifting around and her throat was dry. It was her fault. She'd always known that it was but hearing it was so much worse.

"She tried to hide it of course but there's only so long you can hide a baby bump."

Uncle Jay's face contorted slightly, thinking back to the day their father had found out. It was strange for him to talk about his younger sisters relationship but Hannah deserved to know it all, she'd been kept in the dark for years. "And her pregnancy was proof that she'd, well, had a physical relationship when she had specifically assured dad that there had been nothing between them."

Sara sighed. "She was a mess. We were only nineteen, she was too young. She couldn't look after herself, much less a child. Your grandfather tried to pressure her into having an abortion, ashamed of it. He didn't want people to know. But she resisted, she wanted to tell Chris. He loved her, he would support you."

"And then he wanted nothing to do with her?" Hannah guessed, her heart wilting.

Her uncle nodded.

Hannah stood up, her feet a little unsteady as she walked away in a dream-like state. She floated upstairs to the bathroom and locked herself in, analysing her face in the dim light. Tears trickled down her paling cheeks as she sobbed. She'd always known that her father had never wanted anything to do with her. But knowing that her mother had the choice of having an abortion, made it worse. Jasmine had wanted to have her once upon a time. She wanted her but as soon as Chris left, she didn't.

Hannah was a reminder of the mistake Jasmine had made, that much was clear.

Hannah Davis. It didn't sound right but truth be told, Hannah Adem didn't sound right to her either. She didn't feel like anyone, like she was just floating through her like. Existing but not quite living.

"That's why she hates you," she whispered to her reflection as she studied her features. Whilst she looked so much like Jasmine, she could faintly see traces in her that were probably from her father. Every time her mother looked at her, she was seeing the man who left her when he had said he loved her.

Her much lighter skin was one obvious thing; a drop of milk in a cup of tea. The way her eyebrows curved was different and her teeth were smaller and rounder than her mothers. Her cheek bones were lower and her limbs weren't as strong and lithe.

Hannah wasn't as good as her mother, not in any way at all. And her heart hurt just thinking about it.

She remembered the way she had told Rayne that she wanted to look for her dad but now she just felt sick. She never wanted to look for him. She didn't want to know him at all.

Why should she look for a man that ran away as soon as he heard he was about to become a father?

He didn't deserve her. Wiping her tears roughly and glaring at her reflection, Hannah repeated herself out loud.

"He doesn't deserve you. Neither of them do."