Lost forever are our former selves.
Can you show me proof they ever lived?
Or are they tainted memories of a wishful mind that's looking for a reason to forgive?

Ice Nine Kills - So This is my Future

I tried to tell myself I wouldn't sleep, that I would stay up all night to avoid having a nightmare, but my feet were dragging by the time I made it back to my room. My headache had returned as soon as I left Parish and Prey, and I could still feel the weariness in my mind from my time with Zodiac. Along with my arms feeling like lead from constantly blocking the brothers' attacks, I hardly made it to my bed before I was asleep.

My dreams were shadowed, but I didn't wake up screaming, just with a heavy pit of sadness in my stomach, the acid of nausea burning my throat.

I saw Kael chasing a woman but unable to catch her, she left a trail of blood wherever she went, drifting out in the air behind her like fabric in the wind. Then Gabriel appeared, grabbing Kael and holding him back, forcing him to let the woman disappear from sight. Kael collapsed to the ground, his shoulders shaking as he wept for the love he had lost.

I knew it was Ambriel, knew I was dreaming of his pain and loss, maybe he was too and I was somehow invading his mind even in sleep, even from whatever distance separated us, but there was something more, something worse at the edge of my mind. A warning. I hated seeing Kael cry, seeing him with his face in the ground, his wild hair spread out over the yellowing grass.

He only spoke one word, over and over, repeated in a terrible loop.

Why? Why? Why?

His voice broke as he called after the woman, begging her to come back, asking why she had left, why she had left him behind. Then he turned to his brother, his eyes black and soulless, his teeth bared. He said the same word, but this time it was different. He was no longer mourning. He was angry.

He dove at Gabriel and the dream ended, my alarm waking me, telling me I had another training to go to.

I didn't remember setting the alarm the day before. Abraham probably had, meddlesome old man. I rolled from bed, trying to shake the dream's hold on me. I hated dreaming of Kael almost as much as Gabriel. I hated seeing him alone, hurting. As much as I tried, it was becoming more and more difficult to stay angry with him. I worried for him, for how he was coping, surviving.

I knew he didn't want to be the leader of a Clan. I knew it scared him, even if it was just him and Nevaeh. I wished he didn't have to hold that burden. I wished he wasn't alone. But then I'd remember that he had left me, I hadn't left him, and the spark of anger would return, of hurt and betrayal. Gabriel had betrayed him, but he had betrayed me too, something I had never expected from him. I had never lied to Kael, I hadn't even known, but he still left me just the same, judging me equally alongside Gabriel...which I deserved, since we were the same - but also not. It made my head and my heart hurt.

Ailech knocked on my door, earlier than usual, but I was glad for the distraction, glad to not have to think of Kael or my dream anymore. I opened the door to see him waiting impatiently, drumming his hand against the door jam, Ember next to him.

"Let's go, Grayson's waiting. And he's the 'if you're not early, you're late' type."

"Do you really need to be here for this one? 'Focus and perception' don't seem categories that are likely to get physical."

I was beginning to see it was going to get continually harder and harder to not speak to Ailech, as I had in my first week at the Vault, though I rationalized that thirty words a day wouldn't change much. He wouldn't be my next Syn. I winced at the very thought.

"Headache back?"

I nodded, noticing it was in fact still there, though it hadn't been the reason for my cringe. Ailech let the subject drop and our awkward caravan walked toward my next class. Ember keeping her distance behind us. Two minutes later I had already had enough of the girl acting like I was a witch who would try to make a stew out of her and I turned.

"I'm not going to hurt you, you know. I'm the good guy here, sort of...well, comparatively."

It annoyed me that I cared what she thought of me, and maybe it was just on principle, but I didn't like how she seemed to assume I was too dangerous to even walk near.

She nodded quickly at my words, her eyes wide, but stayed where she was behind me. I gave up and marched to the room number Abraham had written, no longer seeing the point in wasting my effort on her. She reminded me of a mouse, or some other rodent, maybe something nocturnal because of how big her eyes were. A nocturnal rodent. She had a fidgety way about her, skittish like she was constantly on the lookout for a predator. I found it funny that she and Ailech had the same gift. They were complete opposites. Nothing seemed to scare Ailech, probably because he wasn't worried about dying, or scared of pain, whereas Ember seemed to think of nothing but fear and death and bodily injury.

A tall man was seated next to a roaring fireplace when I walked through the correctly numbered door. The room was strangely empty, a section of the floor covered by a rug, the other half bare, the lacquered hardwood shining in the firelight. The room was dark, windowless, making it seem like evening, not early morning and besides the chair the man sat in, there was only one other. Ailech stared at it for a second before rolling his head down to stare at the floor, muttering something offensive under his breath, which Ember blushed at, and leaving the room, sitting on a bench in the hallway with a scowl on his face. Ember sat down close to him, at which he scooted farther away.

I let out a breath of air, something like a silent snort, my laugh, and closed the door. The man, Grayson, was easily three times my age, though he had a sharp look to his features that made his exact years hard to pinpoint, black still streaked occasionally through his gray hair and beard. He tilted his head toward the open seat and I took it, wondering what exactly this training would entail.

"What is your best weapon?"

His question surprised me. I had been expecting an introduction of some sort, like with Zodiac or Parish and Prey. Apparently Grayson wasn't as worried about manners, though he seemed the type that held them dear.

"My Shift," I replied evenly, though my first thought had been of my knives.

"Wrong."

I leaned back in my chair at that. Wrong? How could he possibly say that, my Shift was my power. I had others, but everything stemmed from my Shift, from my nature. I knew that much.

"My focus?"

I tried to keep the scorn out of my voice as I replied as I assumed he wanted me to, though I didn't believe 'perceptiveness' would ever be close to as helpful as my Shift.

"Close, but also wrong."

"Then what? What's my biggest strength?"

I hadn't even been there thirty seconds and I already didn't like him.

"Your mind. You can be the strongest Nephilim there is, but if you are unintelligent, you will die. Gabriel is intelligent, which is why he has survived as long as he has, even with the game of chess his father has orchestrated. Gabriel may be powerful, but power alone has not saved him. Everything he does is calculated. He can make acquaintances feel certain ways about him, make them think certain things about him, make them act certain ways toward him, all because he picks up on things quickly and manipulates them to his advantage.

He can find the quietest path to take to sneak up on an enemy. He can plan the details of an attack so quickly and thoroughly he has won before he ever lifts a finger. He notices things others do not, and that gives him power over them. He is perceptive because he was trained to be perceptive, taught to see everything at once, from a very young age. He was brought up to be intelligent, the perfect warrior, whereas you were brought up to be a woman. Which is why we have much work to do.

In comparison to your Pair and his mind, let us just say, your life is going to be very short unless you can learn very quickly. The mind, and how trained it is, is the greatest strength of any being; immortal or Human, demon or Angel."

At his first mention of Gabriel, my teeth ground, begging to sharpen behind my lips. And his underhanded insults at my intelligence hadn't gone unnoticed either. I wanted to get up and walk out, but something in me made me stay. I wanted to be able to do the things Gabriel could. I wanted to be able to sense a trap, to understand others' minds without my Gift, to make people view me in a certain way, with fear or reverence or loyalty, depending on the situation.

"Shame I couldn't have had a childhood more like his."

My words came out sharper than I had wished, but the man didn't even blink as he watched me.

"Though his upbringing was not agreeable to him, his father did an excellent job for his purpose, but you already know that, you just do not wish to admit it."

I opened my mouth to disagree, to tell him nothing could justify what his father had done to him, but Grayson continued to speak.

"You have seen him fight, you have seen his skills, none of which he would possess if it were not for the vision his father had of what his son could become. There is no point in arguing with me, I am correct and anything you say would only accentuate the fact that I have the hardest job of any of your tutors."

I couldn't believe what this man was saying, both about my Pair and myself. He had called me stupid twice now, as well as defending the horrendous methods of James' father.

"Having him kill children, torture people, burn them alive as a child wasn't wrong. That's what you're telling me?"

The man took in a slow, deep breath, as if he saw the task of explaining beneath him. I wanted to rip his throat out.

"It was part of his training, teaching him to be ruthless, to enjoy the kill, to find sport in it, and to obey orders without hesitation or question. Perhaps if his father had been more stringent in his lessons on obedience, he would still have Gabriel in his home. It was all beneficial to creating what he is now."

I was close to speechless, but my anger wouldn't let me sit in silence.

"Abusing him was beneficial to him? Torturing him to the point of him trying to cut his own throat when he was barely a teenager was beneficial to him?"

I was practically screaming now, feeling my throat close around my words, pressure building in my head. I wanted nothing more than to storm from the room, but only after killing the unfeeling robot of a man before me.

"I did not say I fully approved of his father's lower appetites or private uses for his son. I said his training was superb, his punishments always serving a purpose, and the outcome was favorable, yes. If he had continued his training he would be invincible at the age he is now."

"No, he would be dead."

"Perhaps."

The man shrugged as he answered, as if James' life meant nothing. I bit back my anger. Gabriel's life - not James' - did mean nothing. He was a monster, and though I would never agree with Grayson, I didn't want to defend my Pair any longer than I already had. I didn't want to feel sorry for him, feel protective of him. He didn't deserve my loyalty. I didn't like Grayson though, he seemed a terrible human being.

"You were one of his tutors then, along with Abraham?"

The man nodded, looking pensive before he spoke.

"I taught him to see the world, to actually see it. Unfortunately, I did not have as much time with him as I would have liked. He ran into hiding too soon after his father brought me in. But he still learned quickly, picked up on each lesson without making me repeat myself, something that I greatly abhor."

I rolled my eyes at the man's tone, like he was a martyr for teaching his skills, suffering for the noble cause of knowledge. I wanted to punch him in his face, see if his mental acuity could save him from me shattering his cheekbone.

"Do not think of killing me, pupil, I was not just the tutor of his focus. I have other skill sets you would find rather unpleasant, though I hear Cordelia has that pleasure with you."

My brows came together as I tried to remember what Abraham had said about Cordelia, but before I had even paused for a second, Grayson spoke again, under his breath this time.

"Beauty and brains, so often strangers."

He let out a deep sigh before looking up and opening his mouth to speak, but I cut him off, my temper growing darker with each snide comment he made.

"If you call me dumb one more time I might just show you the reason I said my Shift was the best of my many weapons, sir."

The man looked up to the ceiling in an irritated manner as if pleading with Heaven for patience before replying.

"Little fledgling, do not think you frighten me. I have stood before Master Darke himself, bolt and frost from Heaven. I reined in his insolent son. In comparison, you are but a kitten, mewling at me in your great, ferocious anger. Do not waste my time with your childish threats. Now, shall we begin or must we exchange pleasantries further?"

I glared at him, a second away from standing and leaving, and pulling the air from his weak, Human lungs as I walked out of the room. I could already imagine the sweet sounds of his sputtering gasps as I continued down the hall. I was pulled from my short-lived fantasy as Abby entered in a flurry as usual. He always seemed in the greatest of hurries, even after arriving at his destination.

"So sorry I'm late. I wanted to be here to start you two off, introduce you and get things moving along nicely, but something came up, you know how it is, always something, always someone, everyone needs a favor or advice. Such a busy life here, running so many programs, people, making preparations for the future and dear Jordan here, and, of course, with Mr. Darke out there somewhere still and the coming future and ach, it's never-ending. It's just a constant sprint uphill, enough to drive an old man mad, really, but no matter, I'm here now, so what have I missed? Oh no, oh dear. Oh, this doesn't look good."

Abraham hadn't even taken a breath as he spoke in a constant stream, stripping off layer after layer of sweaters and coats and scarves as he rambled before finally looking at Grayson and me, and sensing the tension of the room. Probably seeing that I looked about ready to spring from my chair onto the man across from me and strangle him with my bare hands.

"Oh. Oh no. What did you say, Grayson, my man?"

A small part of me was happy that Abby assumed Grayson's guilt, not mine, but the rest of me still wanted to launch myself at the despicable man who was supposed to be my newest tutor.

"She is rather emotional, do you not think? I expected a Pair of Gabriel to have thicker skin, better control. I believe she is upset because I pointed out how slow she is, plus she harped on the training techniques of Master Darke to the point of obsession. Are we sure she is integral, Zed?"

Abraham held his head in his palm for a moment before speaking, his voice muffled from the position.

"She isn't like Mr. Darke. She wasn't raised like him and didn't I tell you not to even mention him? You're insufferable sometimes. They are at odds at the moment, but that doesn't mean you can commend his father's abuse of him. They're still Pairs, Grayson. Use your mind, my man, use your heart a little. And she is not slow, I guarantee if you tried to teach her instead of insult her she would impress you as much as her Pair did. But if you goad her then she won't learn anything. She's just as stubborn as he was, though not as hot-headed, but you can't torture her into listening to you. Honey, not vinegar, my Grayson, come now, you know better."

Grayson looked into the fire stoically as Abby berated him, and I had to force the smile away from my face. When Abby was done speaking he waved his hand behind him and his chair from his office appeared, in which he sat, clearly planning on staying for the duration of my lesson. Grayson let out another sacrificial sigh before looking to me once more.

"I believe now is the time you are supposed to impress me with your skills, so let us begin so I can be amazed at how...sharp you are."

I smiled back sarcastically, waiting for my instructions.

"Perhaps first we will start with something small, something Gabriel learned within minutes when he was less than half your age. A part of any action is its opposite, and a part of being able to use your mind completely, to sense everything, see everything, is stilling the other parts of you. Stand."

His command made me want to do the opposite, but then I looked at Abby who was keeping his eyes evenly on Grayson, and I remembered how he had endorsed me. I stood.

"Now, do not move, do not think of anything but your surroundings, do not move anything but your eyes. You are a statue, you are stone,  you are a fixture of the room. Let all distractions fall away and focus your mind only to your senses."

I felt silly, standing in the corner of the room, trying to focus on doing nothing, moving nothing.

"Slow your breathing, I can see your chest rise and fall as you fill your lungs."

I wanted to roll my eyes, but stopped myself as I tried to make my breaths shallower, it was a strange feeling, but in a sense it was wonderful as well, being still. I couldn't fight the thoughts of Gabriel from my mind, the images of him when he would stand as I was trying to, when he would look like a statue, like he wasn't even real, wasn't even alive. I tried to block out the images, but I couldn't. I was being taught to do exactly what my Pair did, to halt my body in order to stretch my senses, and by the same man who had taught it to him. I hated the connections we had, how our paths intertwined no matter what I did.

"Yes, well, adequate."

Grayson's words were almost flustered, and I knew I had succeeded. Abby smiled from his chair in front of the fire.

"Now, what do you sense? What do you hear or smell or see. Do not move, but tell me what is out there."

I no longer felt silly as I stood, no longer felt like I looked a fool. Instead, I felt calm. I closed my eyes slowly, listening to the nothing noises of the room, the hall past the heavy door, the rooms further down the hall, the people in them.

"Ailech is outside with Ember still, his eyes are closed, but he isn't asleep. Ember is watching him. She's annoying him. Three people are walking down the hall, south, towards them. A woman and two men, one's heavy."

I heard the smile in Abby's voice as he spoke.

"Good, wonderful child, now keep your eyes closed, can you see them? Not just sense, but can you see the woman in the hallway? What does she look like?"

Abby's words didn't sound absurd to me, didn't seem impossible. Instead, I focused harder, trying to spread my senses, to strengthen them. I could hear her breathe, her footsteps, her clothes rub against themselves as she walked. And then I was there, not physically, not really, but I could see movement, see three figures walking slowly. A short man with his face in a book, a taller, larger man with a long gait, and then a woman in a dress, holding her shoes in her hand as she walked barefoot down the hallway lightly, just now passing Ailech and Ember.

"Light hair, in a dress, she's carrying her shoes...prominent nose."

Abby let out a delighted laugh and I opened my eyes, seeing Grayson first, who looked slightly put out, and Abby next, who looked like he had just found a golden ticket.

"Wonderful, child! Absolutely wonderful! Mr. Darke can do this and I had a hunch you would be just as skilled. It's something of a Gift. It is called Sight. Some can stretch their vision past just their eyes, using their other senses, using their mind to see past a barrier, or farther than their eyes would be able to. Oh, wonderful! I told you, you old bag!"

Abby directed his last words to Grayson, who looked much older than he had moments earlier.

"Yes, you still breathe too heavily, but I suppose having some degree of Sight is an accomplishment for you. We will work on that at the beginning of each session. Seeing through a door and down a hallway will hardly help you survive. We will need to stretch your new Gift considerably before it begins to become useful.

Gabriel could see everyone in his father's estate by the time I was done training his Sight. And the estate was very, very large. He could tell me where each of the residents was, each of the servants, what they were doing. He could even tell me which of the prisoners, or his practice targets, were still alive underneath the house in their cages, and which had expired and needed to be thrown away."

"Lovely visual," I replied in a flat voice, hating how often Grayson spoke of Gabriel so callously.

Abby came to my rescue, standing as he threw something onto the bare section of the floor, he blew into his now empty palm and the little grains he had scattered puffed up into clear structures. Upon further inspection I saw that they were crystalline representations of leaves.

"Now, if you were walking across this floor, I would be able to hear you, to track your movements according to what crunched under your steps, so-" Abby held up a finger as if he was about to impart a wondrous secret on me, "-don't make a sound."

I stayed where I was for a second, waiting for him to explain more, but he simply sat back down and looked up at me expectantly, his face the picture of innocence and eager anticipation behind his steepled fingers.

"Don't make a sound? That's your instruction. To be quiet. That's all I get?"

Abby nodded enthusiastically, his white hair flapping like the mane of a horse.

I tried to not think of my runs with Gabriel, how he had always been so silent, like running with a ghost. Even when he hadn't used any Angel names, any dulling words for silence or stealth. Like our game of tag back to the manor after he had brought me back, he had still been so quiet. I remember likening him to wind once, just barely disturbing the world around him as he sprinted, flew, over the ground.

"You're telling me my Pair could always sneak up on me because he dodged leaves?"

Grayson was the one to reply.

"He has a very quick mind, as I have already said. He can find the most silent path through any terrain, weighing his speed against his need for secrecy, the most direct route against how soft his advance needs to be. He is close to impossible to surprise because of his senses, and he can surprise almost anyone because of his stealth, nearly undetectable, making him a formidable foe regardless of if you are attacking or retreating.

So yes, he could always sneak up on you, on anyone, because he can dodge the noisier of the leaves, time the noises he must make with the rest of the environment, and calculate exactly where he will go, and when, and how, according to his destination and purpose."

I scowled at the man before walking over to the clear, sparkling leaves that covered the floor. After a moment of planning, I saw that there was no feasible route I could take to avoid crushing the leaves, and the routes that left the fewest casualties would be so cumbersome and slow, it would hardly be worth the stealth.

"There isn't a way," I spoke quietly, to myself, and jumped a little at Abby's reply.

"Hm...?" he said in a grandfatherly way.

I smiled as I decided on my solution, though I was sure it wouldn't count. I took four steps toward the center of the room, toward the carpeted area where there were no leaves, and strolled across, curtsying sarcastically once I made it to the far wall. Grayson looked to the ceiling again, beseeching the heavens to be done with me I'm sure, but Abby simply smiled before looking over at the slightly younger man.

"Did you see that? Did you see what she did?"

"Yes, yes and it was just as earthmoving as when he did it, though she did not set them on fire afterward. It does not mean they are problem solvers, Abraham, it simply means they are trouble makers."

Grayson's reply was as mordant as I thought someone like him could muster, but Abby merely shook his head, a small, knowing smile back on his face.

"No, it means they are both."

Thoughts on Grayson?

Sly little Abby, always meddling...

T