I just hovered over the gravestone, staring at it, lifeless. People came by and left, saying their thoughts, wishing he was in a better place.
Unlike them, I haven't moved a inch. No matter what anyone has said.
He's gone. He died by suicide, gunshot wound to the head. I remember running in after hearing the gunshot, the sight was unforgettable. I remember holding him, crying as I called 999. I remember what I saw on the screen. He was uploading a video. The name of the video was, 'Goodbye Internet.'
Goodbye was a word I didn't want to hear. Especially not from him. Never from him.
He was the only boy I loved. He showed me how to be me.
Without him, I would have never ever had gone on tour, co-wrote a book, stood up for myself, all those things were what he brought into my life. Ever since I won that crappy black and white camera from a cereal box, everything change.
Now to be standing here numbly, it shook me. We didn't even get to film the next Phil is not on fire which he enjoyed doing. He never posted that internet support group video that he had edited and ready to go.
I finally broke. I fell on my knees, sobbing. "Why Dan? Why did you leave before I could tell y-you that I loved you!" No response. "Answer me dammit!" I pounded my fist on the ground, why wouldn't he answer?
I looked up at the moon, I could feel my body shake. "Just give me an answer! Why did you do it?! Why did you say goodbye?!" I felt a cold breeze hit my face, angry I stood up. "Was I not good enough?! Was your own best friend not good enough to stay for?!" By now I probably woke up all of England, but I didn't care. I just wanted answers. "DANIEL FUCKING JAMES HOWELL! WHY?!" The silence was like a stab to the heart. I knew what I had to do and I had to do it fast. I left the graveyard and put my hoodie on quickly. I knew some people were staring but I didn't care. I just want Dan back. I wanted to hug him and say 'It's okay!'
Maybe this was all a dream and Dan is actually alive. Who knows.
When I reached me and Dan's apartment, I, shaking, took out the keys and tried to put it in the keyhole. I could practically feel the neighbour's watching me as I walked into the apartment. As soon as I closed the door, I ran into the kitchen searching for certain items. I opened every cupboard and cabinet, searching. Finally I found what I was looking for, a knife and a bottle of Dan's sleeping pills. I walked into the lounge and set the items down. Suddenly I saw dans laptop, it was open. I took a closer look and saw something I didn't want to see. 'Goodbye Internet'
I was about to slam the computer shut but instead I accidentally played it.
"Hi." I froze at Dan's voice. It was his voice. I felt tears overflow my eyes again. "For the past couple months, I've been going through a really hard time. I was conflicted about a boy I loved. I didn't know if this boy liked me back, or if he just hated me."
Shaking, I grabbed the knife and pills.
"Soon I realise I fucked up. I was too late to tell him. He started to leave me alone. He and I didn't speak like we use to. All because I had a girlfriend."
His girlfriend? The bitch that didn't even attend his funeral.
"This girlfriend told me that he hated me, and that I was a faggot. A ugly ass faggot. She eventually went behind my back and cheated on me with almost six different guys."
I tightened my grip on the knife and pills.
"Since then, all I could think was that I wasn't good enough. I'm never good enough. I never ate, slept or anything. Now it's too the point that I can't even...I can't..." He looked up showing that he was crying. "I can't even say one nice thing about myself....it hurts me...it kills me....I can't take it anymore....I just want it to end..." By now both me and video recorded Dan were sobbing. "I don't see the point of breathing. Or speaking. Or anything. But now that I'm dead since I will be when this goes up. Phil....oh Philly..." I bit my bottom lip.
"I'm going to miss you....more than anything....your hair...your smile...your everything...you lit up my whole world. You showed me the world in a different perspective and Phil....I love you for that."
I grabbed the laptop and just stared at the screen. "Dan...."

"Phil you are the toughest spirit out there, that I know. Please don't change that when I'm gone. You deserve a long and happy life. You deserve happiness. Phil, when the world pushes you down YOU taught me to get back up and push the world down. You're my little sunshine and just because I'm gone, I don't want the sunshine to die out."
I couldn't help but sob. I was surrender helpless. "Dan...dan..dan.." I muttered under my breath.
"You deserve so much more than what this world gives you. I know it may seem like the end, but....it's not. This is just a small bump in the huge future you have ahead of you! You can't give up Phil because you are not aloud too! I'll be watching you from heaven or hell! And I swear to god Phil if I see you their before your time I will fucking beat the absolute shit out of you!"
Phil just stared at the knife and bottle.
"I have nothing more to say....I guess this goodbye....for good."
There was a long pause.
"Goodbye Internet."
---------------
I sat on the brown leather couch silently. It's been ten years since that day. That day I lost him. Today was his birthday....the birthday he should be here celebrating. I haven't left the house at all since then....I had groceries delivered, I pushed away all my friends, and quit YouTube completely.
AmazingPhil was no more. Danisnotonfire was no more.
"Dan...if you can hear me..." My voice was broken and shaky. "H-happy b-birthday....m-m-meme l-lord."
I just sat there until I felt a pang in my chest. Suddenly it felt like all oxygen was cut off. I tried to grab my phone to dial 999 but I couldn't move as I hit the ground.
Everything went black.
----------
I woke up, lying down on a soft patch of grass. I was wearing this bright pastel blue shirt and jeans. I had a flower crown around my head as well. So this is heaven. Bright sky's. Big fields!
I started humming a all too familiar song. "Whenever I'm alone.....or if I'm feeling gray...there's one place I can go....to brighten up my day....it makes me want to sing....that's how the show should end....but wouldn't it be good if I could sing it with a friend....?"
I stopped when I heard a familiar voice. "Okay fine! Whatever I'll join in too!" I sat up and turned towards the sound. I smiled brightly. "I might go outside and feel more alive! Without Twitter where would I be..."
"I guess I'd be fit and stop posting sh-"
"Rubbish!" I stood up and hugged the living day lights out of Dan. "I missed you so much...."
"I missed you too Philly...."
I grabbed Dans hand as we both walked down the endless grass field singing.
"Life is so much better! Life is so much better when you spend it all onlineeeeee!"
With that, the two continued to walk the endless path singing and dancing happily.

I cried writing this. Hope you liked it! I'm sorry about the feels tho....