Hey you. It's been a while. It's been so long since we last spoke. I wonder if you still think about me. If you ever try to search my name in hopes you'll find I unblocked you so that you can speak to me once again. Do you ever wonder where we would be now? What our lives would've been like if we had never fallen apart? I do on occasion. I'll see or hear something that reminds me of you, of us and what we used to be. I'll almost say one of our inside jokes, and a small part of me dies whenever I remember that you're not around anymore for me to tell the joke to. Sometimes I wonder if I could ever let you back in. Give you a second chance. A part of me misses what you gave me. No matter what, I was your first choice. If you needed someone to rant to about your family, I was there. When something exciting happened you were the first person I told. I was willing to get in trouble if it meant I got to talk to you a little while longer. Anyone who hurt you instantly was bad in my eyes. You meant so much to me. And I thought I meant the same to you. But I guess I was just fooling myself, thinking that someone would care for me with the intensity I cared for them.

I want to ask you. Was he worth it? Were the feelings he gave you worth putting me through so much pain? Me. The one who tried to defend your actions as they were eating me alive? The one who was so willing to throw away any chance of gaining a boy's affections so that our friendship could be saved? The one that you said was closer than a sister? To this day I wonder why I wasn't good enough for you. Why wasn't my unwavering loyalty enough for you to give up one boy? You said you loved and cared about me so much, so why did you abandon me as soon as you had someone who would be able to give you the physical connection you craved? What did I do wrong? Please tell me, because I can't figure it out.

Sometimes I wonder if I really am to blame for this. I wonder if it really is my fault. He demanded that I "stop playing the victim." Was he right? Was I not the one who was truly suffering? Were you the one going through the worst of the pain? Sometimes I regret it all. I regret meeting him. I regret being so trusting. I regret thinking that I was deserving of a relationship. I regret caring so much. I regret ending it. These regrets fill my mind sometimes. They make me wish that I had stayed home. That I had talked to the guy I met at the dance class instead. They make me want to give all that up so I can have another hug from you that never seems to end. They make me long for the nights were we'd sit in my driveway talking and singing and enjoying each other's presence until my mom made me come inside. They make me remember all the times we stayed up late texting. Our tradition of sending hearts on Snapchat every night before bed. The pictures we'd send each other when we heard something relating to one of our jokes when the other wasn't around. The screaming along to songs as you drove us around. They make me miss it all.

But then I think. Why did I have to stop playing the victim? What did I do that makes me the perpetrator? How was I at fault when you were the one that stabbed me in the back? How was I the villain when you were the one manipulating me so that you could have the loyal friend and the cute boy who she had feelings for? I was not the cause of this. This was your doing. You chose to talk to him knowing I had feelings for him. You chose to start talking to him after you got out of a toxic relationship. You were the one that listened to his sweet words and fell. You're the one who decided that three days was enough time for me to get over the boy who was my first kiss, the boy who made a special trip even better. You are the one who continued to pursue him while you watched me fall apart trying to get over him fastest so I could still have my best friend. You were the one that told everyone that we weren't talking because we liked the same boy and he chose you. You were the one who was playing the victim. You were not the one crying herself to sleep almost every night while her heart broke into even more pieces while your best friend and the boy you liked created a closer and closer bond and telling you to get over it. To choose. You were not the one who so desperately wanted to save her relationship with her best friend even if it meant that your relationship with some boy you met hardly a month before was ruined. You were not the one willing to do anything to stay friends.

I sit and wonder why I still care. You certainly don't. You let me suffer. You never truly cared about me. I always did more. I still do more. What I need is more than you could ever give me. So now I say goodbye.

Goodbye to you. You who I loved to dearly. Who I treasured more than anything or anyone else. Who was closer to me than a sister. You, who made me finally feel like someone's first choice. You, who gave me a shoulder to cry on at my worst. You, who I told everything to. You, who knew all my insecurities because they were your own. You who made me feel wanted.

I say goodbye to every memory. Every trip to the mall. Every hug. Every laugh. Every car ride. Every venting session. Every sleepover. Every Snapchat. Every smile. Every FaceTime. Every inside joke. Every thought or feeling I ever shared with you. I say goodbye to it all.

I can't keep it with me. I can't. It's too painful. Every day of my life I wonder why I wasn't good enough for you. Why did my friendship mean nothing to you? Why was everything I ever did for you worthless? How did I fail as a friend once again? Was I too much? I know I'm annoying, but I thought you accepted me as I am. I know I'm loud, but so are you. I know I sing a lot, but you never said it annoyed you so how could that have pushed you away? I know I don't listen well, but I'm trying to fix that. I know my flaws, I know I'm anything but perfect but that shouldn't be a reason to throw me away. I'm trying so hard. You knew better than anyone all I want to do is make people happy and I know I'm flawed beyond compare and I know I'm selfish and I know I'm not much but I'm trying as hard as I fucking can to be someone who people want to have around and someone people can depend on and someone that people give a shit. I'm fucking trying and you knew that. You fucking knew. And it didn't fucking matter. I didn't matter. I never fucking matter.

So goodbye. If I could completely erase you from my brain I would, but I can't, and I won't. Because while I say goodbye to you I won't forget you. You taught me to guard my heart. You taught me to set my boundaries. You reminded me of where I am in this world. You brought me back down to reality. Thank you for that. I honestly wish you the best. Despite the pain you caused I don't wish any harm to you. I sincerely hope that you beat your insecurities and overcome your fears. But know that I cannot be apart of your journey. It's no good for me. So for the last time,

Goodbye.

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This has not been proofread. It's just some things that I wish I could say to someone from the past. Thanks for reading.