to try and minimize confusion... josh's sister will be referred to as ashley and halsey-ashley will be referred to as ash but if u catch me slackin and mixing shit up lmk 🫡

also fuck it, 4,000 word chapter

"Good morning, whore!"

"Hey, slut."

"Hi, sweet baby Ashley."

The mentioned shook her head with a laugh as she slid into the backseat of the 2013 Honda Accord that belonged to the person speaking to her. "Hi, Hayley," she greeted softly.

Josh cracked a slight smile at his sister's reaction, handing her his skateboard so she could set it next to her on the floor of the vehicle. He didn't even wait to make sure she had done so before getting into his best friend's car himself— mostly because he didn't need to; this had been the two siblings' almost daily morning routine for the last year or so.

"Question," he began, shutting his door and putting his seatbelt on while Hayley backed out of his driveway.

She removed her sunglasses from where they had been resting on the top of her head to put them on properly before responding. "Answer."

"Why the fuck are we leaving for school so early?"

Although her eyes were now hidden, Josh knew she was rolling them at him. "Some of us aren't quite literally skating through high school and are actually involved in something."

"So... school newspaper stuff. Got it."

"Not just the school paper, Josh," Hayley clarified. "Editor-in-chief of the school paper."

It was Josh's turn to roll his eyes. "My bad. Editor-in-chief stuff," he corrected in a slightly mimicking voice.

Hayley smiled in satisfaction at the acknowledgment of her position, despite being mocked in the process. "Thank you," she replied cheekily.

"Still," Josh continued. "It's the first day of school, it's not like there's gonna be much to report on— especially not before the school day even starts."

"We have the Welcome Back Assembly after first period, remember? Gotta help the newbie photographers get usable pictures. Plus, I should probably get there early to make sure nothing bursts into flames in the meantime."

Throwing his head back against the headrest of his seat, Josh let out a loud and dramatic groan. "Why'd you have to remind me of that stupid assembly?"

"Hey, it's not that bad," Ashley piped up from the backseat.

"Oh yes it is," he argued. "So fucking boring and useless. Waste of my time," he mumbled.

"Waste of what time? What the hell else would you be doing other than sitting in class?" Hayley challenged, her tone almost accusatory. 

"Literally anything else. Smoking under the bleachers by tennis courts, drawing dicks all over the teacher bathroom, or— y'know, speaking of dicks —getting mine sucked in the ja—"

"Ew, Josh!" His sister interrupted, causing his best friend to laugh.

"See?" The mentioned smiled innocently in an attempt to offset his previous words. "Much better ways to spend my time."

Not even five minutes after that conversation, Hayley was pulling into a parking spot by the entrance to the school's art hallway. The trio got out of the car, with Ashley handing Josh his skateboard and Hayley locking the vehicle behind them with her key fob. It was when they started making their way towards the building that Josh realized something. "Hey, where's Thing 2? Is she here yet?"

Now that her sunglasses were off her face and back in their earlier spot on top of her head, Josh could actually see Hayley rolling her eyes this time. "Yeah, she should be," she nodded. "Had a question about an art project she's been working on, I think...? Kinda forgot what she was saying last night once we started making out though, so..."

"Huh..." Josh began, trailing off.

"What?"

"Just didn't realize you guys were detachable. I genuinely thought you and Ash were fused together like CatDog or something."

Hayley couldn't help but laugh loudly at his words, shoving him playfully before grabbing the door to the art hallway and holding it open for the Dun siblings.

"I still can't believe she managed to successfully talk you into taking ceramics with her," Ashley spoke to Josh in disbelief, the door swinging shut behind the group as they walked inside the school.

"Don't give her all the credit," Josh disagreed. "I needed one more class to fill my schedule and honestly didn't care enough to find out if any others seemed even somewhat enjoyable, so she lucked out on that. It also helps that Mr. Iero isn't, like... the absolute worst."

"Careful, J. Don't sound too psyched. Wouldn't wanna make the rest of us jealous," Hayley deadpanned.

"Ah, my bad. It's just so hard to contain my excitement," he quipped, sounding equally monotonous.

"Okay, I gotta get to the newspaper room. I'll see you at the assembly though... right?" The blonde questioned, looking specifically at Josh with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes, ma'am," he sighed obnoxiously, smirking when Hayley rolled her eyes at him yet again.

"Bye, Hayley," Ashley spoke gently.

"Bye, sweetpea," Hayley replied to the redhead with a soft smile. She glanced at Josh before continuing. "Later, loser," she added, heading off towards her destination.

"I'm gonna go print out my AP Lang project before class starts," his sister informed. "Wanna come?"

"Hmm... as tempting as you make going to the library sound... hard pass."

"Okay, have fun by yourself then," Ashley laughed. "Bye, Josh."

"See ya."

Josh watched his little sister leave, the ghost of a subconscious smile on his face. He pulled out his phone to check the time and immediately frowned when he saw that he still had a little less than half an hour before school started.

Pausing, he thought about the best way to kill that time without having to suffer in agonizing boredom while doing so. He found himself running through the list he shared aloud just moments ago in the car, which helped him decide how to at least partially quicken his wait.

The unfortunate part of Josh's choice, however, was that the exit leading to the tennis courts was on the opposite end of the building by the gym. He then remembered he was holding a certain object in his hand and his mouth slowly turned into a mischievous grin.

Setting his skateboard down on the ground, he stepped on it and kicked off to begin his journey. It was early enough in the morning that if any teachers did see him skating through the hallways, they'd probably just scold him and go on with their day. Plus, it's not like enough people were there yet to cause any actual harm.

A couple of minutes later, he had just passed the cafeteria when he spotted a familiar gathering of students stopped in the corridor, two of the three talking with serious looks on their faces as the other stood there semi-awkwardly. One in particular caught Josh's attention and that grin from before returned, only now more devilish.

The group resumed walking, and as he neared them, Josh tilted his direction just slightly so that he would graze the person who had drawn his focus as he passed. Josh knew their reaction to this would be priceless.

They quickly reached one another, and when Josh flew past the trio, his shoulder brushed against the body of that specific person with enough speed and force to cause them to stumble.

Josh didn't have to turn around to see the bright red face, its eyes glaring so violently that he could feel lasers being burnt into the back of his head. He bit his lip harshly, trying his absolute hardest not to laugh, but a loud cackle left his mouth anyway despite his (honesty pretty low) efforts.

"Sorry, Joseph!" He called back insincerely, knowing it only got more of a rise out of the mentioned.

He didn't stick around to confirm his suspicions, instead continuing down the main hallway to complete his mission of reaching the other side of the school.

Maybe he would have a good first day of school after all.

---

Josh sat towards the back of his anatomy class, messing around on his phone as he waited painfully for what felt like forever for the clock to finally reach 8:30.

"Hey, is anyone sitting here?"

Glancing up, he was met with someone he was... friendly... with, and moved his backpack off of the stool next to him so they could sit. "Go ahead, Debs."

"Thanks," Debby breathed out, taking the seat gratefully. "This is the last fucking place I wanna be right now," she groaned.

"Same," Josh agreed simply with a small exhale of his own.

The two made light conversation for the next few minutes while time slowly crept along. Eventually, he saw his teacher walk through the door and the bell rang just as it was clicking shut behind her. Josh had never been more excited for class to start than he was in that instant; not because he liked anatomy— far from it, but because it, at the very least, gave him something to do.

"Good morning, everyone," his teacher Mrs. Paulson greeted kindly. He mumbled back a 'good morning' alongside the rest of the students out of politeness. "With the Welcome Back Assembly after this period and shortened class times to accommodate it, we'll just be doing introductions and going over the syllabus today."

It took all of the willpower in Josh's body for him to not groan dramatically at the mention of having to introduce himself. At least he got out of participating in a mind-numbing icebreaker this time.

In an attempt to entertain himself during the off time when he wasn't being forced to share his name, grade, and the most exciting thing he did over the summer, Josh looked around, hoping to find something interesting to distract himself with.

His eyes ended up landing on the glass terrarium sitting in the front left corner of the room. Well, it wasn't necessarily the enclosure itself that piqued his curiosity, but instead what was inside of it.

An orange corn snake.

He hadn't really processed the fact that his anatomy class took place in the zoology room until that moment.

A thought suddenly struck Josh, and he could practically see the lightbulb appear over his own head, juxtaposed with the heat lamp placed above the very snake that sparked his idea.

The rest of the period passed by much faster than the beginning of the day had, and Josh was growing more and more restless with every minute.

Almost as if she were putty in the hands of his scheme, Mrs. Paulson spoke up towards the end of class. "I'll have the classroom door locked during the assembly if any of you would rather keep your things in here than take them with you to the gym. You can swing back by and pick them up on your way to second period."

The bell rang not long after that vital piece of information was shared, and Josh swiftly slung his backpack over his shoulder, hoping it seemed like he just couldn't wait to get to that assembly (or out of class— either worked). He exited the room but hung back just outside of it until he saw the last person file out. It was when he saw Mrs. Paulson walk out and turn to lock the door behind herself that he put his plan into motion.

He hurried over to her, stopping her mid-act with her key in her hand. "Ugh, I think I accidentally left my phone at my lab table. Is it okay if I go in and look for it? Super sorry," he lied, hoping he sounded somewhat convincing.

Mrs. Paulson tried to hide her annoyance but failed when an agitated sigh left her mouth. She checked the watch on her wrist. "Yes, but be quick; I need to go ahead and get down to the gym before the assembly starts. Please make sure you push the button on the handle as you leave so that the door locks behind you, okay?"

Josh nodded appreciatively, thanking her as he darted back inside the classroom. He went over to his seat, pretending to search around for his phone while peeking out the small window by the door to see if his teacher had disappeared yet. As soon as she was no longer visible, he smiled to himself and approached the snake terrarium.

"Hey, buddy," he greeted, bending down to meet the reptile's height. He watched as it slithered over to the frontmost glass wall to get closer to Josh. He didn't know shit about snakes, but he had enough knowledge to know not to fuck with them if they didn't want to be fucked with. He really wanted this snake to be friendly so that everything could go according to his impromptu and improvised agenda, but he wasn't going to torture or abuse the thing in the process.

The snake moved its head up so that its eyes were more parallel to Josh's and its tongue flicked slightly. That didn't seem like a sign of aggression to Josh. Guess I'll find out, he decided.

It was when he went to lift the screen off the top of the container that he noticed a name plaque towards the top of the terrarium itself. Rusty, it read.

He angled the mesh cover back enough to gently stick his arm into the animal's home. Trying to be as unobtrusive as possible, he let his hand rest off to the side of Rusty so that the snake could make its own choice on whether or not he trusted Josh enough to wriggle onto it.

Immediately, it crawled towards him and made its way up Josh's arm. Very carefully, he removed his limb from the enclosure, deciding to leave the lid where it was so that it would maybe look like the snake had gotten out on its own... somehow.

After letting Rusty get comfortable, Josh transferred his arm into the front pocket of his hoodie. When he felt the snake contently remain there, he grinned in satisfaction.

He made sure to flick the overhead lights off for an added sense of responsibility before opening the door, clicking the lock on the handle as he left the classroom.

Josh began heading to the gym, identifying a recognizable head of cotton candy pink hair by the bathrooms that were located just outside of the science hallway. The owner of the pastel-colored hair saw Josh making his way towards them and their mouth twisted into a small scowl.

"What the hell took you so long?" They interrogated once Josh finally reached them.

"Sorry, Ash. Had something important come up," Josh explained loosely, falling into step beside her as they continued towards the gym.

"Like what...?" She asked hesitantly, suspicion audible in her voice.

"You'll see."

"Should I be scared?"

Josh pondered for a moment. "Nah," he decided.

"Because that sounded so convincing," she deadpanned.

"God, you and Hayley are like clones of one another," he groaned, making Ash laugh warmly at his theatrics.

The two finally arrived at their destination and entered, going over to the senior section. Just as Ash was about to climb the bleachers to the top row (the area where they usually sat when they couldn't successfully skip out on an assembly), Josh caught her wrist to stop her. She turned and looked at him, her face full of confusion. "What?"

"Let's sit in the front row this time," Josh suggested, sitting in an empty spot and pulling Ash down with him.

"Who the fuck are you and what have you done with my best friend?" Ash demanded, narrowing her eyes at Josh but staying in her seat anyway.

"You'll see," he repeated with a smirk, his arm (and Rusty) still resting inside of his hoodie pocket.

While they waited for the assembly to start, Ash began digging around in her backpack. Letting her be, Josh scanned his surroundings and eventually found Hayley. She was standing near the sophomore section, assisting someone Josh assumed was a freshman with the camera they were holding.

Hayley let out a soft huff, and Josh could tell she was trying her absolute best to remain patient with her new staff member. To her credit, she was staying much more composed than Josh would have been had he been in her position.

The blonde must've sensed someone staring at her because she looked up, meeting Josh's eyes and realizing it was just him. She smiled and waved slightly. Josh waved back and nudged Ash's side, causing her to finish her rummaging and sit up. She also saw Hayley and instantly perked up, excitement overtaking her features.

He witnessed Ash dramatically blow a kiss towards Hayley as the latter "caught" it and held it to her heart. Both girls giggled and Josh couldn't help but roll his eyes at them. "You guys are so corny."

"Yeah, but that's okay. I wouldn't wanna be corny with anyone else," Ash replied wistfully. It then seemed as though she suddenly remembered why she had been searching through her bag, because she bent back down to pull something out of it. "Here," she spoke, holding a stick of peppermint gum between her pointer and middle fingers out to Josh.

Josh accepted the offer hesitantly. "Thanks...?"

"You reek of cigarettes," Ash said matter-of-factly as a way to explain her previous actions.

"Probably because I smoked one right before first period," he retorted, using the hand that wasn't stored in his pocket to unwrap the item and pop it into his mouth.

Ash just hummed in response, grabbing herself a piece as well before taking hers and Josh's wrappers and shoving them back into her backpack.

Shortly after that, the school band ceased their playing of their fight song to signal the start of the assembly. Josh watched a certain individual walk up to the podium situated in front of one of the walls without bleachers. He had completely forgotten that Tyler Joseph won the student body presidential election last spring— not that he kept tabs on the guy or anything.

"Welcome back, Claremont Cougars!" Tyler began excitedly. "I hope everyone had a good summer. My name is Tyler Joseph and I'm this year's student body president..."

Josh began to tune Tyler out, not able to give literally any less fucks about what he was saying. Not only was the Welcome Back Assembly absolutely awful, but having Tyler in charge would no doubt make it exponentially torturous. Well, at least until the execution of Josh's plan anyway. That would at least bring him some excitement.

Josh peered into his pocket as subtly as possible to check on Rusty, smiling when he saw the little dude resting there peacefully. He let out an annoyed sigh, however, when he realized he would have to sit there in boredom until it was time to release the kraken— or, well, snake.

Without meaning to, he accidentally popped his gum loudly when he tried blowing a mini bubble inside his mouth. He caught the way Tyler froze for a split second before he continued talking. The hesitation was so quick that Josh didn't think anyone else even noticed it. Yet again, the mischievous grin that first made an appearance earlier that morning showed itself on Josh's face.

He waited a few beats before popping his gum again. This time, Tyler kept talking, but Josh picked up on the way his eye twitched at the sound.

"Shut the fuck up or I'm gonna confiscate your gum," Ash whispered to him. "I'll stick my God damn hand into your mouth and yank it outta there if I have to, and you know I will."

"As much as I'd love to do that just for you..." Josh whispered back. "...I think it's worth the reaction we're getting from Mr. President over there," he snickered.

Ash glanced over at Tyler, which Josh took as his cue to create the noise again. Somehow, Tyler's eye twitch that time was bigger than his last.

Emitting a small laugh, Ash crossed her arms across her chest and contently sat back in her seat. "Be my guest," she concluded, visibly amused.

Josh paused the nuisance until Tyler was finished speaking and some other girl took his place at the podium. Once Tyler was standing back by the wall that was behind him, Josh let out another pop.

Tyler immediately searched the room for the source of the interruption, in the end, landing on Josh— who had been sitting there, smiling and chomping his gum exaggeratedly to show Tyler that he was, in fact, the one broadcasting that beautiful sound to the world.

Tyler's glared at Josh through the slits of his eyes, anger very evidently starting to wash over his entire body. Josh didn't know how throughout the last four years they'd gone to school together Tyler still hadn't figured out that if he just simply didn't react, then Josh would have no reason to provoke.

Josh popped his gum a few more times after that but quickly became bored again as Tyler's responses gradually grew less intense.

He allowed some time to pass, but once the cheer squad performed their routine and the principal introduced the new staff members they had that year, Josh decided he was ready for his scheme to unravel.

Tyler took the stage again to present the other student government officers. "I've already shared who I am a few times, so I won't put everyone through that again," he laughed ever so slightly, obviously hoping that he would receive a few chuckles in return. He smiled in satisfaction when the gym collectively replied with some variation of a pity laugh. "But I did want to introduce the rest of my wonderful board and make you all aware of a few of the events we have coming up."

Two girls and a guy stepped up next to the podium and Josh nudged Rusty slightly to get him to move a bit. Once he felt the snake wiggle around, Josh guided him back up the sleeve of his hoodie and waited for him to conceal himself enough that Josh could remove his hand from his pocket.

"Why are you being so weird?" Ash asked quietly, glancing at her best friend warily.

Not really wanting to say "you'll see" for the third time that morning, Josh ignored her as he discreetly leaned down towards the floor and directed Rusty back down his arm. The creature poked its head out and Josh grinned while the snake began to slither out.

He aimed his sleeve off to the side with the goal of getting Rusty to travel against the base of the bleachers first. It took a lot for him to physically hold in his excitement as Rusty perfectly complied with Josh's plan.

Watching until Rusty had made it a few feet over to Josh's right, he sat back and waited patiently for the chaos to ensue.

Josh focused his attention back on Tyler, the smirk on his face growing when he caught a glimpse of orange out of his peripheral vision. "... our secretary and social media backslash PR officer, Sabrina Carpenter. And last but not least, our treasurer, Dallon Weekes," he droned on. "Our first spirit week kicks off next Monday, and the list of themes for each day is posted on our Instagram as well as around the school hallw—"

Tyler was abruptly cut off with an ear-piercing scream. "Snake!" Someone shrieked.

Rusty had reached the other end of the gym by then, and Mrs. Paulson bolted out of her seat in the teacher section, hurrying over and safely scooping the reptile up off the floor.

Amidst the commotion of people screaming and running out of the room, Josh met Tyler's panicked gaze and grinned innocently. The brunette put two and two together and an expression resembling that of a genuine desire to commit homicide overcame his face.

In Josh's defense, he was just doing what his boss had told him to do: have a good first day today. He sort of originally intended to either way, but the way things played out simply required him to make it for himself.

Josh couldn't help but be slightly impressed with himself, but more importantly? A good first day of school he sure as hell had.